Tonight on Project Runway, it’s the Mila/Jaysian smackdown! Who will color block? Who will cry and wear giant scarves? Who will date a gay guy? And what the hell is going on with Tim Gunn’s balls?
The word is “the”. Go!
Last week after the second extinction of the Flamigay, I read an interview he gave over at EW. He talks mostly about what a positive person and he wouldn’t say anything bad about anybody and then goes on to diss Emilioth. LOL! The return of Benita Butrell.
But I ain’t one to gossip, so you ain’t heard that from me.
He also said in that interview that he wouldn’t wanna have his own reality show about his family, cuz starting your own business and failing isn’t the kind of tv he wants to make. Oh no you didn’t just smack Jay! Project Runjay was a great…pilot. I know he’s gone now and I should just get over it but I will miss you, Flam!
Emilioth, Mila, Jaysian and Retired Adam Hambert have made it to the end! Heidi gives them nine thousand bucks and thirteen weeks to make ten piece collections. Jaysian and Mila have to battle it out for that last spot. And we get to meet their families! Emilioth’th thtacks of newthpapers and Mila’s scared husband and dog. Talk about a spin off.
Tim comes out on the runway and gets a pretty lukewarm response. It’s either because his advice has been way off the mark this season or because he’s standing next to Heidi, who’s in a see thru nightie and black panties and no one knows quite how to respond to that.
Jaysian is a new kind of boy scout. A jorts loving, booty wearin, leg waxin shawl enthusiast boy scout. I’m not comfortable with the idea of him owning a Swiss Army knife.
Mila packs up her clown suitcase full of makeup and tells us that she and Jaysian are similar in that they both have strong points of view and strongly bad hair, BUT…she’s better. She tries to get the attention of the bang pervert across the street one last time, but since she’s still without her bangslut bff Maya, he’s still got his blinds closed. Wait. He’s opening them. He’s in his underwear! He’s bending over and mooning Mila. Did he just spit on the window before he slammed the blinds shut again? That was harsh.
I think he likes me.
Jaysian’s mind is boggled. I second that. The boys try to pack their shit while Emilitoth lithps “you’re goin down at Bryanth Parkth, bitcheth!” Awesome thanks. Now you’ve spit all over our luggage. Great meeting you. Being a gay man, ragging on someone’s gayness can be seen as self defeating and backbiting, but it’s just such an inherent part of Emilioth’ personality you can’t just pretend it’s not there. I mean come on you guys. This is how he pronounces the word “doing”.
Emilioth isn’t scared. He’s gonna come up with another…wait for it…SHOWTHTOPPER!! Old Ham, in the same jeans he wore the day he was born, has a teeny tiny little suitcase. For a pillow. Damn. I hope they had some laundry service up in there.
That greasy pillow smells like old ham. You know it does.
Three months later. Vancouver. A quiet, sleepy street.
The wind starts to blow. Birds scatter.
Something new is in town. It’s TIM!
That’s called layers, Vancouver. Watch and learn!
The first thing he sees is this sign.
This must be Old Hams house, cuz he’s the only one who has an attack squirrel. ON HIS HEAD!
But I ain’t one to gossip, so you ain’t heard that from me.
It is Old Ham! LOL! His hair is…it’s…can’t…type.
MOM IN THE 70′S!!!
OK fine. Yes. I stole your Virginia Slims. I’m sorry. Can we just get past it?
When we get close up to the hair, I can see he’s really going more for Justin Bieber. Cuz if you think you’re ten we will too!
Retired Justin Bieber
Old Hambiebert gets right down to business and takes Tim to his collection. It’s colorful, vibrant, and refreshing.
Ham is gonna take twenty outfits to Bryant park. Dang! He has some seriously pretty stuff. As you would guess, lots and lots of jackets. And they look great, even if we’ve seen him do all this before.
The Grim Reaper needed a makeover. Bitch was getting depressing.
I think Tim’s gonna gush, but he’s scowling. Uh-oh. He tells Ham that it’s gorgeous but the collection won’t win because it’s the same stuff the judges have already seen for him. He goes on and on about it, and Ham nervously whips out a can of Aqua net and makes his hair younger. He has a star tatt on his neck. Was that always there? It looks like a giant zit that he drew a shape around at the last second cuz cameras were coming over.
Don’t pick at it.
Ham is disappointed in Tim’s reaction, obviously. He kinda whines “can I show some of it?” AW! He’s literally turning ten right before our eyes. Tim’s like um no trash the whole thing and start all over!!!!! WOAH! Why is it bad to put your best stuff forward and show off every little trick in your book? I don’t think anyone’s envisioning Ham as the next designer for Laura Ashley. He does what he does. Ham has a dilemma here. He could listen to Tim, who has up until recently had a stellar eye for what the judges wanted. But Tim has also been so wrong so many times this season that pulling an Emilioth and ignoring Tim completely doesn’t sound like the worst move.
He’s shocked that Tim told him to burn it all. He’s out of money, he’s out of time. Tim’s shocked when he is invited to meet the family after all that. His kids are cute, his wife is cute, and his mom is Tyne Daly. He and his wife were next door neighbors as kids. AW!!!
Rarr. Have we met? Tell the nanny she can leave now.
Woah, Rip Torn! Bring back the other neighbor!
The Hambert family plays win lose or draw with Tim, and he kinda sucks at it.
Sumptuary! Epistemological! Antediluvian! Saturnine! Abstruse! Parlous! Enervating! Adenoidal!
Ham gets Tim to jump on the trampoline and says it was awesome to see his interaction with his kids.
I think Tim’s had about enough interaction for the day.
Are you sure you’re not gonna throw up again? OK bye now thanks for swinging by and CRUSHING MY DREAMS.
Tim goes back to NYC next to meet up with Emilioth. Tim is wearing jeans, and as hard as he tries, denim is the one area of fashion he just can’t wrap his giant to the knees balls around.
Nice moose knuckle there, Tim.
Emilioth gets kinda turned on so he takes Tim to the bridge he goes to at night to thpit on people and shout “SHOWTHTOPPER!” at the top of his lungth.
Sharing is good. But you have to be sure to share just the right amount or it’s creepy.
Then Emilioth takes Tim to a good ole buffet.
Emilioth’ brothers are super supportive, and they also have giant tongues. Emilioth grew up poor in the ghetto. I think it might be where he got the idea for this number. That screams bus stop louder than a movie poster featuring Angelina Jolie with a dick drawn on her face.
He doesn’t wanna do all black and grey, so he’s gonna do really bright colors! Awesome. Maybe less American Flaggy? I know it’s only red and blue now but a super pale white girl’s gonna be wearing it. That thing belongs on Superman’s grandma. Ok that’s enough but my fingers just keep typing. Let’s move on. Next up is a jacket from Mad Men. Peggy had to wear this stuff before she started making any money.
In this economy no one wants to look like a poor secretary.
Coming later in 2010: Expired Avocado
But don’t worry. He’s not just doing dowdy. He’s also doing needy and tacky. He’s created a fabric with his name all over it! AGAIN! It wasn’t enough of a rip off the first time. Two times and it’s REAL!
Did you know that in Spanish, OSAS means “she-bear”?
But wait. There’s more!
The cougars are attacking that poorly dressed African woman!
Emilioth laughs cuz Tim is thpeechlethth. America is too. He’s spray painted a jacket. It looks cool. Tacky as a half dried boogar, but cool. Did he steal this from someplace?
Besides little country girls in Texas?
Emilioth tells Tim he’s not designing for cameras, he’s designing for his customer, and she wants ugly clothes dammit! Tim tell him it’s not about cameras, it’s about telling a story. Emilioth argues that he’s made a strong showing this season and…Tim nods and assures him that he’s aware of the judges’ bad taste but he should still make an effort to not suck. Emilioth is defensive so Tim tries to word it different ways. Poor guy just doesn’t have the vocabulary to say “That’s fug and people are gonna laugh at your stupid ass.”
Emilioth is like oh hayellth noth! He says he refuses to change a thing because he designs for a woman and Tim isn’t a woman (technically) so he can thuck it. Tim can only take so much back talk. “I see a serious absence of sophistication in this work and I see clothes that look, frankly, old.” HA! I LOVE TIM! Emilioth stands there lithping nothing, like a car trying to start. Finally, Tim has squeethed the fight out of him. Well done, T!
Tim lowballs it to LA to see Mila. She’s had a makeover!! Her bangs are still choppy and uneven, so that means she made the stylist do them that way. The woman has her convictions, and for whatever reason she just hates straight bangs.
Mila has made a picture board with a “Shadows” theme. How thoughtful! At the end of the day you know that shit’s just gonna be all color blocked anyway, but what a lovely shot of waves. The board looks like an advertisement for a really long nap.
Blah has never been so deeply researched.
Guess what shadows mean! Black and white! Shocker! She tells us what a risk this is to use black and white and stripes and stuff. Because you’ve done it in like eighty percent of the challenges so far? Tim says gorgeous a lot, which means she will lose. He warns her that her conservative side tends to get matronly, but then he immediately says gorgeous a few more times. He asks how she feels about the head to head with Jaysian, and she tells us that she refuses to get beat by that little shit. She’s a better designer and he’s just annoying. LOL. Would you like some Pepper with that Wendy?
We don’t get to meet Mila’s husband. She did say she has a husband, right? He’s probably hiding in a closet. In every sense of the word. On the bright side, Tim gets to feel young again!
Did you say something funny? Cuz for some reason I just peed my pants.
Oh wait there’s the boyfriend. Not husband. He came out of the closet.
Everything in Mila’s world is either back and white or angular or both. Even the dog.
Please get me out of here.
Dad says that when Mila was a child she was always dressed to the nines. Sure, back then people made fire with sticks and wore animal pelts stringed together into muumuu’s, but for the period she was very fashionable.
First grade was a breakout year.
In the eighties, Mila was a goth girl. Like Desperately Seeking Susan, but without the ly Seeking Susan part.
Mila’s a costumer, but she has always wanted to be a designer. Her boyfriend really gayly tells us how proud he is of her. AW!
If she wins I get a pony!
You know you wanna ask Mila how the sex is, so let’s do it!
Tim gives big hugs and leaves. But on his way out he breaks his wrist on the front door.
Let’s go to San Francisco! There’s an old saying in San Francisco that goes
Get a job, hippie!
This is the home of the Jaysian. He’s making lots of bottomless clothes and gift ribbon necks.
Cuz vaginas never go out of style.
A lot of black in this finale. Jaysian says his inspiration is the Samurai. I think his inspiration is Old Ham and neck perms. He tells Tim that he likes to combine soft and hard, so Tim tells him to get a boner and they’ll do just that. Jaysian’s all confused, which embarrasses Tim. Awkward!
Jaysian is wearing fake fur and a giant scarf and a fauxhawk. I’ve run out of things to say about Jaysian’s personal fashion choices, so let’s just leave it at “get a nap, Yoko.”
Tim tires to get him to think Oscars, and particularly likes this jacket, minus the rogue sleeve.
He says it looks like student work, which makes Jaysian sick to his stomach. Jaysian laughs when Tim brings up Mila and says she’s no competition cuz “I have the ball…on my side.” Sports reference attempt. He must really hate Mila. He’s confident he’ll beat her, even if Tim thinks his work is a little cuckoo. Jaysian prefers “Cuckoo Chanel”. LOL. Now for a game of guess the bottom! Rolando’s the top. He could be wearing a dress right now, and he’d still be the top.
Jaysian’s mom is adorable, and is a little surprised with how friendly Tim is to her, just meeting her and all. She says “I just know you from TV!” HAHAHAH.
Besides houseboy ass, yes. Yes it is.
His parents were poor when he was a kid, and they worked two jobs to support him. They still do, apparently, cuz his goal is to win and pay them back. And if that doesn’t work out, he can always sell Rolando to Tim. His mom gives a wedding toast, and Jaysian cries.
Well, don’t wear itchy scarves then.
All he wants is to give them the things they never had in life! Like a son with a job!
Come on! Make some real tears! You can do it! Think of a world without shawls!
The designers all arrive back at NY. Swanky pad! Mila is the first to arrive, followed by Jaysian, of course. Rigged! Thanks for that, producers. Jaysian doesn’t even try to pretend he’s not mortified that they’re gonna be roommates.
I am only posting a pic so you can see his latest shawl. He should cover up those chicks behind him. They look like they’re freezing.
You guys, Army Wives looks harder to sit through than war.
When we come back from break, Jaysian finally breaks the silence and tells Mila that it’s weird talking to her because they’ve never spoken. She says that she seems hard on the outside…she doesn’t finish that sentence, cuz how could she? They agree that it’s cathartic to talk, and she says she’s not such a bad guy. Silence. Jaysian’s a bitch. I love it.
Old Ham arrives as a really drunk Boy George with Liza sideburns.
Ham says he listened to Tim’s advice! Sucker! When Emilio arrives, two creepy goths jump out from behind the couch and make him cry.
Mr. Toad’s Pasty Ride
Ham has lost some weight, and Emilioth asks “bitch what’d you do? You ok?” Rudest compliment ever. You look awesome. AIDS? He’s jeal cuz he went the opposite direction.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I am eating a piece of meatball pizza as I type. Live proud and die young, Emilioth!
Tim comes in. Jaysian hugs him and Emilioth gives him a terse handshake. Tim tells them to have fun before one of them is out on the streets. I wanna root for Mila, but she’s wearing Madonna gloves. That’s the second time she’s made me reference Madge and I don’t appreciate it so screw her. She’s out!
There are only three workspaces in the workroom, which means the two almost losers have to share. Mila says “thank God we’re talking”. HAHAH. Tim comes in to remind them that one of them is going home, and the judges are gonna decide today. They only have three hours to get their shit together. The models come in for fittings. Jaysian is having some issues with his shin guards not zipping up. That might be a blessing. Still, I think he’ll be hard pressed to lose to Mila.
For ladies who wanna look fat while they get their hair cut.
Mila is worried that Jaysian is using color. Duh. Did you honestly work under the presumption that everyone was gonna do all black? Not that that presumption is all that far off. Jaysian thinks about losing and then does this.
Oh grow up Mary!
Then Mila cries! WOW! I hope she wins. She learned how to express human emotion, and isn’t that the point to all this? No? Ok then she’s out.
I fight eye wrinkles every day. With CGI and Photoshop. Yay computers!
Now let’s see if someone can make a dress as pretty as this one in a Yaz birth control commercial.
Heidi comes out looking f ing gorgeous. God that woman is pretty. And she’s squeezed out baby Seal!
Prints be gone!
Let’s say hi to the judges! Hi Kors!
Mila’s out first with a boring business woman on a snowy day number.
This weather blows.
The jacket opens up to reveal a pattern war.
If you’ve got a muffin top, wear something that will blind and confuse anyone who tries to look at you too long.
Now for something modern: a flapper dress! With a gimp collar!
Now that’s how to make a dress out of washers.
I really like that last one. Jaysian’s next! He’s gone and given his model big hips again, but this time he’s done it with little hula hoops.
I’m sorry ma’am, but you’re gonna have to buy two seats.
Jaysian tells us how fresh and new his looks are. Leotard with gun holsters. I guess that is new, but ew.
His last look is an Old Ham descendant. The jacket looks very well tailored, and the clown/beheaded queen neck is out in full force.
Chinless girls across the world, rejoice! When the last model is done, she disappears. Like a victim on Cold Case.
Mila launches into her shadow spiel, and Heidi likes every one of her pieces. Simple but with a twist. Kors laughs that one of Mila’s models even looks like her.
That model is totally grateful for that comment.
Kors likes the work but wasn’t really surprised by it and doesn’t think the models look modern enough. Nina likes the separates but agrees that the models don’t look modern and she can’t just do black and white for six collections a year. Kors loves the Madonna gloves and the homemade jewelry. Heidi gives Jaysian credit for pumping up the volume. Kors loves all his pleating seaming and the shin guards. Jaysian is cry talking. Nina says he’s very innovative and his stuff is well tailored but a little too much on the crazy pants side. Heidi would wear the shin guards if they were long enough to hook up to her garter belt. Seal’s so getting her pregnant tonight. Kors says that his clothes aren’t retro at all. Slam, Mila! Jaysian says that they didn’t like each other but now they do. Thanks for sharing way too much dude. Heidi says it’s gonna be hard, but Mila’s out you know she is.
Kors wants Jaysian to advance and Heidi wants Mila. Nina is undecided. Kors is bored with Mila, and Nina wants to be surprised. Heidi likes that Mila put her own spin on retro. Heidi didn’t like Jaysian’s Old Ham jacket. Kors brings up some weird word “ungapachke” (or whatever) which is too much. Heidi thinks Jaysian is too much, but Kors argues that it’s better to have to much and refine it than to not have enough. Nina goes over her shopping list in her mind.
Cilantro, chicken broth, toddlers, Luna bars.
Heidi gives Kors shit for redesigning all of Jaysian’s clothes for him instead of just judging what’s there. Good point, Heidi! The designers are brought back in. Heidi says it was a tough decision. Mila was impeccable and distinctive, but one note and too retro. Jaysian is forward thinking but over designed. But they want to see more of….MILA!!! I can’t believe it! Good for her!! Jaysian is sweet about it. He says he’s “shock” to lose, and then he cries real tears. About time! Heidi tells Mila to get her styling together for the show and gtfo. Mila cries and says she’s grateful. She doesn’t go back to the holding tank nanny boobooing “top twooooo!” so good for her. Tim kicks Jaysian out, and it’s hard to not feel a little sad for the guy. However, I do have pizza left. What were we talking about?