Project Runway Season Finale: Justice is Served. So Are Knock Knees, Bad Hair and Fat Avatars

Tonight on the Project Runway finale, Liz Taylor infects Retired Adam Hambert, Mila takes the stick out of her ass, and Emilioth spits all over the damn place.

Name that jug!

We open with Emilioth telling uth that thith ith when all the blood, thweat and tearth pay off. You would think that he would have learned by now to not use so may words with the letter s in them. There is spit all over my TV. Unfortunately, not enough to filter out whatever’s happened to Retired Adam Lambert’s face.

I didn’t know Kors still had a living auntie.

If you could copyright haircuts, Liz Taylor would be wealthier than she already is.

Let’s start with the designers talking shit about each other! Mila says Old Ham’s collection looks like really fancy Hot Topic clothes. Emilioth thinks Mila’s stuff is well made but too prude, and Mila thinks that Emilioth is going for the Harlem boutique look…in 1994. LOL! Way to make me like you at the last second, Mila! I rewound a couple times to try and figure out which collection Old Ham described as old lady clothes, but it could apply to either of his peers. Speaking of old lady clothes, I think Kors’ mom wore this exact same outfit when she came to visit the show.

All he’s missing are giant sunglasses and an orange wrinkly child.

Tim comes in to check on progress and starts with Old Ham. He’s done twenty four looks! LOL needy. He figures Tim will hate at least half of them, which will still put him ahead of the pack. At least as far as sheer numbers go. He’s taking too much of Tim’s advice. He’s even wearing the same outfit. But without a turtleneck to cover his waddle and with his Boy George chaining boy hookers up in his loft witch hat.

Emilioth is next, and he greets Tim with a big fake laugh because the last critique didn’t go so well. The smile is off his face the second Tim asks “Haven’t we seen this before?”

Bitch I gained forty pounds for this collection. Don’t judge me!

And yes, Tim. We have seen that before. Barbara Bush owned it. Her version had sleeves though, thank Jehoshaphat.

Tim assures Emilioth that he’s not being a bitch, he’s just preparing him for the judges’ questions. Emilioth tells us that the judges occasionally say the complete opposite thing as Tim (which is true) so he’s gonna ignore Tim and hope the judges pull through for him. From the tiny snippets we’ve seen of his work, he’s going down hard. YAY!

Mila starts off by showing Tim a mo hair sweater. He’s like “you killed a homosexual for this? That’s reprehensible!” She says no, MOE hair. His feathers go back down but he only unscrunches his face a tiny bit. This sweater is an homage to the 60′s. Jesus. Mila must have made a shitload of money and banged lots of hot dudes in the 60′s cuz she just can’t let it go. This outfit looks like something Goldie Hawn would have thrown together for a Laugh In funeral.

Tim says her clothes are too classy so she better have hair and makeup make her models look like trashy whores. He moves away from her and gives the designers a pep talk. Emilioth ignores his ass. Time to choose models! Emilioth wants to make sure that he gets multicultural models cuz it’s a multicultural world. Yeah well it’s also a fat world but you almost barfed on the real woman challenge so cut the crapth. Fittings! Ham is so excited for all this that he’s redone his hair. If he had a curling iron he could look like a really frightened Hassidic dude.

He just wants the judges to say “he’s growing!” I don’t know about that, but that model’s hips sure as hell are.

Fertile Myrtle

How is this girl a model? She has a pea head and a giant body. No offense.

Mila tells the Pantene guy that she wants her look to be “rock and roll, but in a less controlled way.” I don’t know what that means, but her model still has her haircut. It makes me wonder how Mila views herself. She may be Boris’ Natasha to us, but she’s Sid’s Nancy to herself. But less controlled. Rock stars choke on their own vomit, so I don’t know how you can be less controlled than that. I need to just drop it, right? BUT I CAN’T ! Gordon Lightfoot Best Of collections aren’t rock, Mila!

Just like me, but less cartoon villain-y.

Emilioth wants his girls to look sophisticated but not old. This model looks young, but insane.

Did someone get a new toy?

Only thirty minutes till the end of the day. Emilioth is tho nervous that he starts punching Barbara Bush’s gina.

Uncalled for!

He tells us this is his defining moment and dedicates this to all the people who believed in him. OK Meryl Streep. Where you gonna put that Oscar? Douchebag. Old Ham sets his alarm for 2:40 AM. Camera Guy, was this shot really necessary? Not only did you catch his boob at the least flattering angle, you didn’t even give the man time to whip out his spray on hair! Give the man some respect!

Old Ham is mad that Emilioth didn’t wake him, but Emilioth is in the mirror practicing what to say when people who haven’t seen him since the weight gain call him Tyler Perry.

Mila is so excited to leave for the day that she doesn’t even open her window and try to find a bangs perv. They arrive at the runway and church music plays. Old Ham does some “I’m not even close to 40!” snow angels on the runway. Emilioth is lucky enough to get Fantasia as an assistant. That girl really does need money. Damn. I should ask her to fill in at the restaurant. I need a break.

For real.

Uhoh! Three of Mila’s models have ditched her! Emilioth is missing one, too, but he’s six times as shitty as Mila is about it. He runs around snapping his fingers at people. Let’s take a break. Are any of you unsure whether or not you’re gay? Do you have a suspicion that you might be but can’t really tell? Are you curious about parades but not sure if you want to commit to glow sticks? Look at this picture. If you don’t get tingles, you’re totally straight. Call your mother and let her know so she can stop freaking out.

I just recommitted to a lifelong avoidance of boobies.

Tim pulls some alternates for the designers and they calm down. Well that was anticlimactic. Everyone rushes around doing last minute snips and tucks. Showtime!! Heidi comes out on the runway in some sort of New Mexican rug. She’s still not comfortable without a baby in her womb, so she’s got people drawn there as a crutch.

Still not preggers? Seal, you’re slacking!

She says this year was a great season because of the amazing designers. People clap politely. Jaysian looks extremely pissed still. And waaaaaaay greased up.

Try some humility. And powder.

Let’s say hi to the judges! Hi Kors!

Hi Nina!

Hi, Guest Judge Faith Hill!

What?!?!?!?!?

Faith Hills sure is gorgeous when young bitches aren’t stealing her awards.

Old Ham is first to show, and he comes out looking like he’s been trying to graduate from Catholic school since 1987.

He’s super nervous and paces all over the place. Those pants are seriously tight. His collection was inspired by 1940′s German and Russian military. Let’s just hope the models don’t start fighting over the Jews. First comes the hippy model in the red dress. It’s severe and cool. Love the tights.

I don’t know when wearing donuts on our heads went out of fashion, but it’s a shame.

These tights are one giant “SUCK IT” to Mila.

This next suit is badass. It’s one of his jackets, minus the giant collar and plus some houndstooth.

The next look is a really pissed off summer dress, like a rebel daughter is forced to go to the Country Club with her mom. It’s a pretty standard dress with badass boots and a big belt. Meh. Who cares though? He could win based on his first two looks alone.

Next up is a Breakfast at Tiffany look. If Tiffany was a black widow. I could see this model biting a guy’s head off. And that’s because of her face, not the dress. The dress is gorge. It’s a bit bunched up in the front so the stripes run together and I doubt that was on purpose. But I love it.

And now he gives a big wave to the trash bag challenge of seasons past. The skirt is simple. Probably too simple for that top, which I can’t stop staring at. It’s fantastic. I would probably laugh at the woman wearing this at a party, but I’d also want to try and get a lunch date with her just to find out WTF is going on in her crazy ass life.

There’s a bee coat walking now. Old Ham likes to make women look like they can kill you at any moment. I wonder what his wife is like.

The jacket on this next one is great. Love the lining. He’s all about jackets, but I guess you can never have enough jackets in the world. The pants I could do without. It might be that he chose a knock kneed model to wear them, but I doubt these would flatter anyone.

The next look harkens back to the circus challenge. The dress is kind of a coat? Meh. Not into this one. The women who would wear most of these clothes are super depressed and harsh, I’ll bet. It’s about time they had a designer of their own. Happy women have all the fun these days.

This coat is stunning!

The last dress looks like a fat Avatar chick trying to squeeze into a tiny dominatrix dress. Love the color.

You’re spillin over, sista!

The back of that one isn’t very flattering, either.

That was a fantastic line. One of the best I can remember on this show. Well done, Old Ham! That Liz Taylor hair brought you luck!

Mila is next, and she starts crying and looking off in two different directions while she talks about how hard she’s worked for this.

Mila comes out in flood pants and thanks her gay boyfriend, who is wearing Madonna gloves. He’s so getting laid at the wrap party. Tim’s gonna sit on him like a lawn chair.

So right away, you can see what Mila’s going for. Older Lady hip. And there’s nothing wrong with that. I know the judges complain that everything looks old and blah, but you think Nina’s gonna shop at Gadzooks? No. She needs something to wear that doesn’t make her look like her grandma and that hides her jelly. Mila’s her girl.

Because when you’re past forty five, you deserve some goddamn ice cream.

Next up is a pretty dowdy coat. And didn’t the judges tell Mila to work on hair and makeup? This model looks like a frazzled college student on a winter laundry day.

The dress underneath mixes houndstooth and stripes, which I just can’t approve of.

Shot of Jaysian looking pissy while our favorite Flamingay rocks out to the music.

Jaysian, if you keep stressing you’re gonna look like the lady in front of you in no time.

The next dress is very pretty, but the taste is obliterated by the giant Flavor Flav for old people necklace. And what’s with all the tights?

Next up are marching band flood pants with a raincoat. Seen it. Not ever together like this, but still. The jacket is gorgeous, but done a zillion times. And it might not be wise to put jackets up against Old Ham when you know that’s gonna be his entire collection.

The next one is almost gorgeous, but it has a big pleather rectangle on the front that says “I’M YOUNG, GET IT?” She should have just gone with what she does and not tried to please the judges. Love the gloves, though. Her boyfriend is totally taking those home.

Next is the moe hair sweater we saw earlier.

This poor model looks like she’s been up for two weeks. They hired someone to comb her hair right?

I can’t tell what’s going on with this next one. Vertical stripes with an overlay of some sort? A see through half shawl? And is she wearing bike shorts under her skirt? For fancy ladies who occasionally do cartwheels in public.

On closer inspection it’s badass. Love the gils. The model ran and ran, but Freddy Krueger finally caught up to her.

Mila is backstage telling Tim that she is totally kicking butt in front of the judges. It’s hard to root for Mila cuz she’s just such an asshole. I know she doesn’t mean to be and she probably doesn’t know how she comes across. She just needs to be quiet and try to focus on one spot. And now for more tights, a sloppy sweater, and a painted shirt. MEH.

It’s pretty obvious who Tim wants to win…

…which means she won’t.

OK I have to amend my previous comment. Up close the sweater is kinda cool. It’s not gonna keep anyone warm, but it looks great.

The next dress looks like a super slutty version of one of those purple peppermint sticks. Again, she’s trying way too hard with that pleather.

Her washer flapper dress is next and looks fabulous. The dog collar borders on offensive, but otherwise nice work.

The audience claps politely, and her bf looks in two different directions as a sign of support.

Pretty decent work overall. Not very exciting, but mostly pretty and ALL Mila. She’s got talent fo sho, even if this wasn’t all my cup of old. Emilioth tells us that his life is about to change. LOL. I can’t wait to see him cry when he loses this shit. Fingers crossed! Even his family hates him.

His collection is called “Color Me Bad(ly)” and it was inspired by his mom and her sisters. Way to go for the 18-26 crowd, dude. The first coat is that drab olive thing we saw in part one of the finale.

The lining is open gash red. EW! It’s like Oscar the Grouch being pulled out of the trashcan and skinned alive. The blouse is fucking hideous. Who would put those colors with bright red? This is all wrong. Fitting that his name is literally all over it.

Emilioth’th voiceover telth us how brilliant this all is while his plain Jane Barbara Bush dress walks the runway. I detest Emilioth, but he’s shown some talent this season, right? Not today.

OK, the next jacket is perty. The color is at least. Bright red with blue? Well, Independents need something to wear to election parties too, I suppose.

And now for another librarian coat from the fifties. Why, Emilioth? WHY? Red and blue is a theme with him, and it’s just hideous.

He’s used that nasty pink blue and olive fabric again. The model looks like she wore gangrene infected leopard skin and got paint thrown on her by PETA. The blue lining of the coat corresponds with the blue in the dress, but the bright red still clashes loudly.

He watches the show on a monitor next to Tim and gushes “beautiful!” HATE. The next look is an homage to molting frogs getting their legs slowly cut off. Olive green and bright red rubber looking gloves? Really? If the judges aren’t kicking themselves for not aufing him for that washer dress, they’re fucking morons.

And now for a Units dress. Emilioth thayth that thith collection thays a lot about him ath a dethinger. Agreed. It says everything.

Boooooooring.

Is he trying to get a break on his taxes or something? Cuz he’s taking this red and blue thing really far. Next up is another simple done a zillion times before look, but with more hideous colors this time.

Wonder Woman finally calmed down and got an office job.

Next up are tight black pants you’ve seen a million times, a black jacket you’ve seen a million times, and a Flashdance shirt made with that gangrene infected leopard skin. There are streamers coming out of the sleeves. Poor model looks like a little girl’s first bike.

Next up is that spray painted mini skirt we saw last week. Best thing he’s shown by far.

Just in case you’ve let your Brazilian grow out a little and don’t wanna lift your skirt every time you have to scratch.

The coat is pretty standard blah fare, but this is his best look so far.

This one’s pretty two. If it didn’t have that Sheena shoulder strap it would be gorge.

One good piece and one almost good piece. If he doesn’t come in third, there is no justice. And now for some stars!

Dame Judi Dench Blanchett Stewart liked Mila.

OMG I LOVE YOU.

Flamingay liked Emilioth’th, but his last dress was made out of polyester so don’t invest too much in that stock.

Future Jaysian liked Mila.

Really, Project Runway? This is your A list? You could have at least sprung for Rudy.

Raven says that Emilioth’ word patterns reminded her of the nineties and she’s totally bringing that decade back. Ugh. I wish you would so you could be palatable again.

Irina liked Mila. They’re like two ice cubes in a tray.

The judges gather and agree that all three designers did a great job. The designers are brought out and congratulated on their great show. I think they’re 2/3 right on that one. The models are brought out. The judges start off with Old Ham. Kors says his construction was exhilarating and he stepped up the luxury. They all agree that as gorge as his clothes were, they were also commercial enough to sell like hotcakes. Emilioth starts singing True Colors.

Nina loved it and Faith would wear a couple of his pieces. Nina of course loved the only pieces I didn’t like. She says overall it was a very editorial collection. No one was too thrilled about the purple dress though.

Emilioth is next. Faith was “knocked out” by his coats. ?!?!? Those are fucking hideous! Heidi liked the collection and loved his masturbation print. Kors says his collection was the most commercial and his fave was the green gown at the end. However, he didn’t get the jump from sportswear to glamour. Nina says the collection was quiet but sophisticated. Emilioth should try to work some of that into his perthonality.

Now for Mila. She babbles about shadows. Shadows my ass! You know she was like “I have to come up with something black and white to blather about so they don’t call me a one trick pony hack.” Heidi thinks Mila has grown and listened to their advice, and Kors says she brought the sixties look into the present. He was “turned on” by the pleather and says it was nasty. EW. Kors needs to not make me think of his penis ever. Heidi liked the painted t-shirt and Faith liked the pleather blocked piece. Nina and Kors congratulate her for taking the stick out of her ass.

Old Ham FTW! In alone time, the judges compliment all of the designers. Kors says Mila pulled it out and was great at mixing textiles. They compliment the leggings, which look way better close up. The collection was great but not surprised. Heidi counters that Old Ham’s work wasn’t surprising either cuz his line looked just like the other stuff he’s produced. Kors says yeah but it looked way better and more expensive than usual. Nina says it gets to be a little too much, but they all agree that most of his chic pieces would sell. Nina says Old Ham is the most fearless. Not of her, of course. Everyone’s afraid of her ass equally.

Faith seems to like Emilioth the best. UGH. Kors says Emilioth went the opposite direction of the other designers and came across as more plain than usual. Where was the drama? In his head, Kors. In his head. Nina says they should judge on the most creativity, but Heidi isn’t sure whether they should judge on this one show or the whole season. Today, duh. Kors was a bit bored with Emilioth but his clothes were the most flattering and Nina thinks they were the most sophisticated. I just. Don’t. Get it. But that’s not anything new. Let’s bring the designers back out!

Mila’s the first out! WHAT?! Oh no. I thought she’d take second. She’s gracious about it, but now every time she sees a shadow she’s gonna cry. Heidi says both Old Ham and Emilioth are deserving, but Old Ham wins!!! YAAAAAAAYYYYY!!!! Emilioth doesn’t take it well. He quotes Flamingay: “You don’t have to have the crown to be the King.” It was Queen, but whatever. He goes back to the greenroom and sobs, and it’s like a nice tall glass of LI iced tea.

Delicious.

He blathers on about how he will be a world brand as I high five myself like a crazy person. Old Ham’s family comes out and cries and stuff. AW! His son’s so sweet! As Ham cries about how his family is proud of him, I get a little teary. But it’s hard to cry when he’s got that hair. I press pause and my tears turn into laughter again.

Obvs, I’m super happy he won, which is a good feeling. It’s been a few seasons since I was cheering at the end. Overall, this season kicked last season’s ass. Here’s to bigger and better!

Thanks so much for being with me here this season. You guys have made me laugh my ass off consistently week to week in the comments section. A friend asked me recently why I holed up in my apartment so much to make fun of TV shows instead of, you know, getting a life. My daddy told me when I was young that I might be an odd boy who didn’t think I would find a place to fit in this world and the most important thing was to follow whatever made me smile. And this place, and you guys, have made me smile since the second I got here. Love and thanks. See you next season. xo