Project Runway: Tim Gets Ghetto

Previously, the models got back problems from giant ugly hats and Macy Gray got sent back to whatever bar she crawled out of. Miss you already, girl! PR isn’t really known for casting based on looks, but there’s usually at least one guy that takes off his shirt a lot. Some might think this is shallow. Personally, I miss it. Right when I think about writing a letter, this happens.

And then this.

Jeeze I’m sorry I complained. It’s like a conspiracy to make my penis sleep forever. Thankfully, Mondo keeps his clothes on. He’s relying on a painted mustache for sexiness. Poor thing looks like a girl with super unfortunate facial hair genes.

Wax, mija.

The boys gossip about how Chunky Mike shouldn’t have won last week, and Christopher tells us that Chunk’s skills “just aren’t up to the rest of us.” Then he makes a hand gesture so we get what he means.

The rest of us can sew like midgets.

Please make

it stop.

Chunky Mike is hurt that none of the designers were fake enough to at least pat him on the back for winning. AW. Well, maybe just…get more talent? I don’t know. I was trying to be helpful. I’m sure if Charo was on the show she’d have loved your work and congratulated you and played a little guitar and coochiecoochied and slapped your hand every time you tried to eat her Cheez Nips. Ah well.

The girls all think April should have been out for her diaper. I can’t disagree with them, but Hivy and Wretchen are so gross that I’m gonna have to take the diaper’s side. If they’re good enough for Kors to wear every day then they’re good enough for the rest of us, k?

April tells Peach that she’s upset no one “got it.” Don’t worry, Peach got the diaper! She and April are in the same boat! This was supposed to make April feel better, but she looks mortified that she is now sharing a boat with a shaky lady who makes stuff that looks like Meemaw couches.

Great…..thanks? And is that caulk you’re putting on your eyes?

I don’t look twenty for nothin’, little one. Now hand me the sand paper.

 

Fat Bitch Heidi comes out wearing grey again. I guess it’s the year of grey or some shit. At least it’s not more cow camo. She looks like a decaying rolie polie.

This is a team challenge! The ugly sides of this group’s personalities have been touched on this season, but now they will be thoroughly exploited. YAAAAYYYY!!! Each team has 6 people, and Chunky Mike gets to pick first. He takes….Wretch! EW! Yes, he will have a better chance of winning, but he also has a bigger chance of crying and binge eating until his head explodes. YAY x 2! April thinks he’s a dumb ass. “Why would you hire Hitler?” You can say a lot about Hitler, but the man was a hard worker.

This show is totally fair, you guys. They don’t just gross us out with half naked fugly guys.

My penis has gone from sad to tired to angry to just plain silent.

Wretch tries to hide her excitement about getting picked first, but she hides that about as well as her split ends. This is probably the first time she’s ever been picked first for anything, so expect her to be super nice and grateful today. LOL kidding. She’s gonna be a raging c word. Nice people don’t wear bikini tops to work.

April, Mondo, Knit Michael, Other Asian Valerie, Passanova and Peach are on one team. Peach is picked last, and even when she’s the only one sitting there no one calls her name. HAHA poor Peach.

She’s half turning to be funny and half turning because the only other option is staring awkwardly at Passy’s giant nipple mounds.

Sad clown horns play as Heidi forces her on a team. She says that the other team is full of the self proclaimed brilliant kids and she’s with all the suckass loozas underdogs. Tim meets the designers in the workroom and introduces them to a Garnier stand in. He looks like Wretchen.

The challenge is to create a six piece Fall collection. Hivy twitches that this is just sooo hard. Making one piece each like every other week ever. Or maybe she’s just trying to figure out what she’s gonna do if her team decides not to go for a Banana Republic creme and beige theme. I can’t remember if Hivy was nicer before she died a couple of weeks ago or not, but at least she wasn’t gnawing on human flesh back then. Seriously, zombie, set a snack time off camera.

Wretch is making super obnoxious “no problem” gestures. Man I want her to lose. Hard. And cry. And possibly get hit by a truck on her way out. They have to choose from all these categories, and I am too lazy to type them out so here they are:

The Garnier shill talks about hair, and only his sister acts like she cares.

Stop smiling at the hair products and USE SOME.

The Bad News Bears meet quietly and Knit Michael says they should try and respect each other. Cut to the other team kicking Chunky Mike in the balls over and over again while he cries and Wretchen shouts out instructions. Bad News chooses Military and Wretch chooses Menswear as Womenswear. No one else even tries to get an idea in. She won’t shut up, and her team just smiles and lets her dictate everything. Passy loves his team’s ideas and is excited to work with lace. Raise your hands if you’re shocked. “I fee-el lige a feesh een da wadder.” But with super giant nipple mounds.

Bad News is doing a piece each, but Wretch is delegating chores like a sweat shop master. She says Bad News is full of freaks so they should keep it simple and clean. GayJ goes on the defensive and says that he won’t be crazy this week, but no one really believes him. The guy’s wearing a pajama top and a gold jacket.

Hivy and Wretch nix every idea Chunk has, and Hivy even points her pencil at him and tells him not to suck extra this week just cuz he has immunity. Then she takes a pinky out of a ziplock and munches. So rude. Over at Bad News, Peach starts getting pissy because everyone is just doing their own thing instead of collaborating. No one really has much to say to that, because Knit’s already lectured them about respect. Peach is just left shaking her jowls and looking scared shitless. She accuses them of “throwing her out on the curb” and making her come up with her own ideas because they’re gonna lose and they want her to go home. I don’t know if anyone here is that diabolical, but it’s a good plan. Her point seems to be that it’s unfair to get stuck with her own shoddy talent, which is kinda hilarious.

Team Wretch compliments themselves on how well they collaborated on listening to Wretch, and then it’s off to Mood. Wretch yells at and nags Chunk the whole time, and then tells GayJ that she will kill Chunk before letting him ruin this. GayJ is just thrilled to not be the worst one at this moment in time. Then Wretch tells us that she’s worried his crappy workmanship is gonna get them in troubs. LOL hope you enjoyed that second of pride, buddy.

Back at the workroom, Hivy gushes over her own work. Other Asian says they are doing random chores and are all over the place which means there is a huge chance they’ll f up. She’s right, and I’m loving it. Passy says that he’s always accused of being too dramatic so this week he’s gonna be Passanova Softener. Just one sheet and your clothes come out smelling like bad English.

Pirates of the Gayribbean

Chunk doesn’t know what he’s doing, so Hivy gently explains it to him. Kidding! She snaps at him and tries to eat a love handle. She tells him he keeps saying he knows how to do it but obviously doesn’t. He tells us he’s gonna explode all over her, but instead he leaves the room to steal some shit out of the snack machine and have a calm down binge. Overeating is a deterrent to violence. Do you know how many times I’ve wanted to hit someone but just not had the energy? We should stop fighting wars with guns and start using frozen Milky Ways.

Christopher goes up to the supervisor and tells her that Hivy is nagging Chunk and they need to…”Coddle him?” He nods and she rolls her eyes and tries to figure out how she’s gonna muster the will to be a decent person. Then she just scraps that idea altogether. She says Chunk is a time suck and can bring them all down. By the way, to whoever invented denim bustiers, I think you owe us all an apology.

The designers get to send two people from each team to consult with the Garnier guy. Yay! Blatant Product Hawking Break! FF. Tim comes in to check on progress and already has disgusted palsy face.

Bad News is first, and Tim warns them up front that lace can be old. He’s into Mondo’s dress, but isn’t crazy about the pink Peach is using on the boob. Other Asian Valerie gets applause for her jacket, and April is warned that her seams are funky. Chunky Mike says their collection looks like it’s for a bordello. HAHA. Passy gets his turn and is already scared cuz Tim always hates his work. True to form, Tim says Passy’s look is too old. Passy’s nipples deflate right before our eyes.

On to Team Wretch. Wretch starts off, of course, and she blahs about how awesome she is. She sure likes back flaps on her stuff. I’m wondering what she’s trying to hide.

She says flat out that she’s in every design even though she’s not sewing them all herself. Tim gives her the “I sat on my car keys and now I can’t find them” look and moves on to Chunk, who he doesn’t really pay much attention to. April laughs at the old ass boring clothes on Wretch, and she’s right. What this outfit could use is a nice absorbent pair of Huggies.

Tim tells them they’re collection is super snorey, and that shuts Wretch right up. He’s more useful than a sock and some duct tape, and he uses way bigger words. Hivy tries to bite his nose and he flicks her on the forehead.

Passy leaves the room after Tim does and lays on the couch, depressed that Tim hates him. He whines about how he doesn’t even want to feeneesh. Other Asian and Knit try to talk him up, and Knit says his worth is breathtaking. Like mustard gas. “Eets a boolchit!” It’s always best to bring logic in when you’re feeling down. Either Tim hates Mexicans or you’re super terrible. Or both. Glad we had this talk. Other Asian leaves the room before she kills him, and tells us he needs to put his panties on. HAHAH. “I even gayting fat!” He says he’s gonna leave, and Other Valerie goes into the workroom freaking out. He’s not gonna leave. He didn’t pack eighteen bags of belly button t-shirts to just go home.

Chunk sends Passy’s model to the lobby to talk Pass down from the fat ledge. Cuz models? Are totally known for their kindness.

She tells him to believe in himself and a bunch of other random greeting card crap. It works. He just kinda drops the phone, and you know his mom is on the other end of the line watching telenovelas and rolling her eyes. Chunk’s work doesn’t fit his model, and Wretch starts bitching at him. GayJ’s not doing much better, but Chunk is more fun to yell at so Wretch stands over his shoulder and tells him “make it work” over and over again. I’d like to think that if he could lift his elbow high enough he would sock her horse face with it.

Passy gets back to work and tells April that he plans on a long career dressing old sluts. HA. He has decided that he “juss need to make it works!” Sometimes I think he’s just faking it. He probably really talks like Frasier. Hey I just noticed Team Wretch is called Team Luxe. LOL. Leave it up to Chunk to be on the team that shares a name with a Cheesecake Factory spinoff.

The next morning, Wretch comes in with a list of duties for everyone. She writes out instructions for Chunk, but he can’t get it. Since this episode is intent on grossing us all out, here’s a nice shot of zombie beaver for you.

Team Wretch is running around like fools, and the Bad News Bears calmly make fun of them. Team Wretch makes the models sew! HAHAHAHAH!! Is that even legal? Lifting all those pins is hard work. They’ll be lucky to not break their arms before the runway show. Other Asian says “The Bad News Bears are coming around!” Teehee. Hivy and Wretch think they’re gonna kick serious ass, but Knit Michael thinks there’s no way they can win when they’re making grandpa sweaters on purpose. I don’t know. Those can be hot.

Good news! My boner works again!

Time for the runway show! Let’s say hi to the judges!

Hi Kors!

Hi Nina!

Hi lady with the strongest stomach God ever built!

Now picture them having make up sex.

The Bad News collection is up first with Military and Lace. Mondo starts with mustard leggings under shorts. The top is hot, but the rest is fug. This woman looks like she’s going for cocktails right after she finishes walking the mall.

We get a closeup and I take back what I said about the top. It’s fug too. He did my favorite thing though. He made a model look fat.

Peach is next. It doesn’t look like a couch, but it does look like it should be worn by a woman who makes her living on one. Well placed chains. Wouldn’t want her belly button to run off or get stolen.

April’s is the best, so far. It’s tacky and kinda whorish like the others, but her model looks like a wealthy whore, not just bowling alley trash. Also, she’s given her model the allusion of shoulder hair which I always approve of on a model.

Other Asian Valerie made a cute outfit, but it’s the same shit she always makes and she completely ignored the challenge. As one of the judges points out…

I think Passy made the best look out of his team. The pants are well made and simple, and the top is hot. I would totally wear it. Just to scare people with my moobs and three nipples.

Knit Michael’s is good too, but it has too much crap on the back. It goes well with Passy’s. He brags that Harv’s Trophy is staring at the dress like she wants it. Wearing clothes like this led her to fame and fortune, but also the possibility that she could be suffocated in her sleep by a giant hairy old man.

This is what PTSD looks like.

Now onto Team Wretch!

GayJ made a shirt dress. Groundbreaking. Not even a good shirt dress. Is that an ascot? Headslap.

The leggings make the model look like she has vitiligo. Christopher did a very classy, boring suit. The blouse is cute, but the fit on the pants only works when the model stands still. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

The Hungry Cat

Trandy sends out a boring ass skirt suit. Well at least this team is consistent.

Hivy did a blouse that looks like a shabby version of Christopher’s. Tights under high wasted shorts and a bathrobe. This is is def for the work at home crowd. And what is with the maroon? This line is officially heinous.

Chunky Mike’s work is sloppy and looks totally unfinished. The collar looks like wadded up Kleenex and the pants don’t fit. He’s lucky he has immunity. Unfortunately, it’s to talent.

Wretch did one of those tight dresses with a hole in the front. Do people still wear those? Those were hideous in 1998 and time hasn’t helped.

Was their theme fug work clothes on Valentines Day? Hideous. And they lose! Congrats, Bad News! The losers are sent off the runway so they can start planning how the “blame Chunk” teamwork is gonna go. Are you hungry? I am. Thankfully, Hivy is crying. Delicious.

Look! I’m Other Asian Valerie!

Heidi calls Bad News’ work young and fresh. Backstage, Hivy and Wretch talk and talk about how much better they were than the other team. No one is rallying around them now though. They led the rest of them right into traffic. Heidi and Kors loved Passy’s! WOWEE!! They also say Peach did her best work. Let’s hear what Wretch is bitching about in the holding tank! She says that they should be uniform and say they failed as a team instead of throwing a skinny person under the bus. Uhoh Chunk!

The judges let the designers say who they liked best and Passy gets a lot of compliments. AW! Team LOSE comes out and guess who starts? WRETCH! She blahs about how cohesive they are, but of course does it as c wordily as possible. She says that they wanted to send out a collection that looked cohesive so they could hide some of their weaknesses. Of course, Fat Bitch Heidi jumps right on that and asks her who her weaknesses are. Wreth stutters about different work processes, and then cries. Notice she’s not taking credit for everything any more. Stupid ho. She whines that they did their best. Then Hivy cries too and says their collection is like having an ugly baby. Kors rolls his eyes. LOL. Heidi dismisses them but Wretch won’t go and gives a speech about how they are united and aren’t gonna turn on each other. Kors tells her to grow a pair and stop making boring ass clothes.

Nina disses the bad proportions and calls the line sexless. She adds that the colors are hideous, and Heidi and Kors call Hivy’s work out as the worst. HAHAHAH WOOOHOOOOOO! They hate GayJ’s shirt dress too and Heidi says it looks like a stewardess uniform. Wretch says that towards the end they realized that grandma came to visit, but Kors calls bs and says that when they came out Wretch loved it. She tries backpedaling, so Nina and Heidi call bullshit too and says she loved the line before it got trashed. Wretch takes responsibility for the shitty styling, but says that Chunk had the most trouble in the challenge. Here we go. She says Chunk is so terrible that she spent the whole time helping him. Heidi shakes her head and says Wretch sure changed her tune. LOVE IT. Wretch is such a bitch!!

Hivy starts ragging on Chunk too, but Heidi tells her to shut her face cuz Chunk has immunity. Christopher disses Chunk too, and GayJ says that his problems are his own. Finally, someone mans up. And it’s the lesbian guy with eyeliner. Only on this show. Trandy goes back to blaming Chunk. Heidi says that it’s super easy to gang up on fat people and Chunk won last week and has shown a lot of talent. Go Fat Bitch! Wretch says she refuses to be a martyr and she doesn’t wanna go home. Heidi can’t believe this bitch is still yapping. Then Hivy jumps in and says “I don’t know if it’s laziness or just ignorance!” Heidi snaps “But?” Hivy just got called out on her shitty English by Heidi! Wow. The wonders never cease.

Meet Morty Fied

Heidi repeats that Chunk has immunity. They refuse to name someone else who should go, and Trandy suggests they go off of past experience. Kors is like um no. Wretch whispers to Hivy that she’s going home, and then snaps that if that’s how the judges are gonna be then they should know what each person made. Kors is like DUH YOU DUMB BITCH. She goes down the line and she’s losing it as she points to her stuff, sarcastically calling her dress hideous and 80′s. Everyone confesses to their sins and then they get kicked off the stage. Nina is still awake! You know this shit is good.

Back in the holding tank, Bad News questions Wretch and she admits to blaming Chunk for everything. He sits dejected in a corner. Poor guy. That’s just wrong. I hope Wretch gets her bony ass booted. The judges aren’t too pleased with her, saying she’s a fake lying biatch. Heidi says Hivy’s look was terrible, and Nina calls it hideous. Kors doesn’t like that GayJ gave up all his fun today. Heidi says Wretch was obviously the team leader and everyone else was too afraid to speak up. You guys! PASSY WON!!!!

He celebrates by kicking English in the nuts. Chunk is safe, obvs. He goes to the back and cries about how mean the other designers were to him. This episode has had a winning underdog, a self important asshole cut down to size, judges fighting with designers, and finally man tears. Which means? Yes. PERFECTION.

Congrats, Lifetime! You’re a winner!

Christopher is safe, HIVY IS SAFE!?!?!? HOW?!?!? Trandy is safe. That leaves GayJ and Wretch. Oh shit they’re not sending Wretch home. Lame. Hivy should be outta there! Of course, Wretch is safe. Bitch face. HATE. Well, she’s still here, but I don’t know if safe is the right word.

Get me a side of ranch and a pitchfork.

GayJ has been pretty bad, but Hivy is just pure suck on the inside and out. He’s upset that he’s leaving over something that didn’t have his personality in it. Before anyone can remind him that clothes that have his personality in them suck too, Tim comes in and TELLS THEM OFF! WHAT?!?!? He says that Team Wretch should be ashamed of their tacky behavior on the runway and they are morons for letting Wretch manipulate and bully them. WOW. Best. Episode. EVER. You go girl! Tim needs to get ghetto every week. Hivy twitches at us and says that Tim’s totally right. Bwahahahahah. Hivy and Wretch deserve each other. Wretch tries to cry and says in a little girl that she was just trying to be nice. HAHAHAHAHHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!

Project Runway, I FUCKING LOVE YOU.