And then there were six. After Project Runways Ã¢â‚¬Å“dramaticÃ¢â‚¬? walk off last week, Zulema the Wicked Witch of the West (or should it be the Oily Witch of the West?) was sent packing with her gigantic funhouse glasses. And this just one week after winning a challenge. I guess itÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s true what they say, one day you are EEN. And the next day you are out. If Ã¢â‚¬Å“theyÃ¢â‚¬? is a smoking hot pregnant supermodel named Heidi, which Ã¢â‚¬Å“theyÃ¢â‚¬? usually are.
Last weeks challenge was for me probably the most ingenious. Having them take a picture with an OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA, and then print out the pictures from the OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA, choose one and use it as their inspiration for making a dress. Is there anything an OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA canÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t do? And all for the low, low price of $239.95 at Best Buy, where there are thousands of possibilities! Sorry, the whole deluge of reality show product placements has gotten me all mixed up. IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢m just going to take an Advil and lie down for a while. Advil. Advanced medicine for pain.
Alas, no product placement in this weeks challenge. This week they decide to go retro, meaning harkening back to last seasonÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s early challenges where they are forced to make a dress out of unusual items. The challenge is to design a garden dress. But not just any garden dress. An actual garden dress. As in, made from a garden. Get it? I hope next week they arenÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t told to design a Poodle skirt, cuz that could get messy.The show starts on the Runway where our beautiful Heidi greets them all. Another interesting bit of trivia, our own Heidi Klum is soon going to be starring in a new German TV show called Germanys Next Top Model. ItÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ll be like Americas Next top Model, only itÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ll be in German, have a host thatÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s not annoying as hell (sorry J-Unit) and hopefully lots of nudity. LetÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s hope Fox Reality can get the rights to it, along with the European Big Brothers which,from what I hear, are nothing but nonstop orgies.
Another interesting bit of Runway news is in todayÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s Variety. Due to the huge ratings this season is getting based entirely upon the word of mouth generated by the witty recaps at TvGasm.com, Bravo has ordered a one-hour reunion special to air one week before the finale on March 1st. Now I know what some of you may be thinking, Ã¢â‚¬Å“Reunion special? Big whoop. Those suck.Ã¢â‚¬? Not Project Runways reunion specials my friend. Last seasons 1 hour reunion show was one of the most riveting hours of TV IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ve ever seen. With model Morganza refusing to appear, Vanessa having a meltdown knocking over her wine glass and walking out after being viciously attacked by the other cast mates and Kevin sweating bullets and fidgeting about when Wendy accused him of vandalizing her kids picture. It was amazing television.
Back on the runway Heidi lets them know that this weeks challenge is about designing a garden party dress. I’d now just like to say that living in the tri-state area IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ve always been slightly annoyed at the NY based reality shows seasonal shifts from production to air time. I found it odd watching Tommy HilfigerÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s The Cut in July while they all walked through giant snow drifts along Manhattan streets. It was also annoying because it sucked, but at least we had sg-dubs recaps to keep us watching. The same thing here where they are designing a Ã¢â‚¬Å“garden dressÃ¢â‚¬? in February. However since this is a depressingly cold and bleak month of the year, I am all for a summer dress competition.
In explaining the challenge of the Ã¢â‚¬Å“garden dressÃ¢â‚¬?, Heidi leaves out the part about it actually being made from a garden. Oh no, delicious puns like that must be savored and revealed at just the right time. Besides, we have some serious business to take care of first. ItÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s time to get rid of one of the models. After ZulemaÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s unconscionable act of stealing Tarah away from Nick, an act which almost killed him, itÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s left to last weekÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s winner Daniel to choose between his model Rebecca and Tarah. This is a tough one because Tarah has become a big favorite with everyone for her beautiful looks and fierce walk that has pop. All of us are holding out hope that he will keep Tarah, but Daniel in keeping with the whole Ã¢â‚¬Å“loyaltyÃ¢â‚¬? thing this season, goes with Rebecca and Tarah is gone. Even after sheÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s gone, Zulema can still hurt us.
The loss of Tarah is of course too much for Nick to bear, but letÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s face it, not having exact change when buying gum is too much for Nick to bear. The man is not exactly cut from the Steve Mcqueen mold. Unless you cut out the Ã¢â‚¬Å“SteveÃ¢â‚¬? and Ã¢â‚¬Å“McÃ¢â‚¬? parts. “That one really hit me hard” he says, doing that welled up Ã¢â‚¬Å“IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢m not gonna cry..IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢m not gonna cryÃ¢â‚¬? look I get every year at the Oscars when they do the Ã¢â‚¬Å“In RemembranceÃ¢â‚¬? montage (dammit Wendi Jo Sperber, you left us too soon!).
Later as the men go back to the apartment they all decide to celebrate the fact that out of the final six people left, the men are in at least 4 of those spots. Another interesting bit of trivia, the percentage of people left who like to have sex with men is a whopping 100%. Part of their celebration is to go to the Ã¢â‚¬Å“PenthouseÃ¢â‚¬? which turns out to be…. just a roof. Somewhere Trump cries. As they are laughing and having a good time we here Nick tell us that underneath all the fun “I think we sort of know that we are each others competition”. Nick’s a regular Sherlock Holmes.
The next morning at 6 AM sharp Tim makes an unprecedented appearance knocking on the contestantÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s apartment doors. Ã¢â‚¬Å“Get ready in five minutes. We are going on a field trip.Ã¢â‚¬? he tells them. As they walk down the street we hear them all speculate as to where this field trip will be taking them. They all think it will be something fabulous. Nick is thinking they are going to some fabulous upper west side garden party with diamond encrusted toilet seats and caviar fountains. Andrae thinks it will be Tavern on the Green. Have they seen this show? Their field trips are either to product placement department stores (Toys R Us, Banana Republic) or a fabric store in midtown. This is BravoÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s Project Runway not NBCÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s Martha Stewart Apprentice. DonÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t expect Alexis Stewart to be making you a chicken salad sandwich on a boat trip in Maine people. The best youÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ll get is a roast Beef sandwich with Jay at ArbyÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s. and you could do worse, cuz thatÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s a damn fine sandwich.
Well, as expected instead of a glamorous garden party we are simply taken to a flower store. Or the flower district to be more precise. They will be given 100 dollars and one hour to get what they need to create a Ã¢â‚¬Å“gardenÃ¢â‚¬? dress. Andrae is done in 30 minutes, bragging bragging that he used to work in a florist shop when he was younger so he doesn’t feel that he’s in the “deep end of the swimming pool”. Daniel V picks some beautiful violet and blue flowers that would look good if he could pull it off. LetÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s hope he listened to TimÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s Advice and keep his momentum going. When they showed Chloe picking out her materials, I yelled out Ã¢â‚¬Å“Stay away from blue flowers!Ã¢â‚¬? in my apartment to no one in particular, except maybe shi-shi, my darling lapse also. Thankfully she didnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t, she actually went with a pretty yellowish green leaf that she was planning on making into a floral pattern. So far I think this is shaping up to be an interesting challenge. Kara doesnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t know what to do. I’m beginning to think Kara is South African for “Idiot”. Still high from realizing that her useless ass hasnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t been sent packing she looks to be buying a bunch of shrubs. DonÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t ask for whom the bell tolls Kara. It tolls for thee.
Well it’s back to the workroom, but it wouldn’t be an episode if Tim didn’t drop a bomb on them. The winner of this weeks challenge, he tells us, will be exempt from elimination in the next round. This gets everyone jazzed up. But no one more than Santino. “It would be great to win first place, because then I could do something really offensive for the next challenge and not be penalized for it.” Hear that people? So far he thinks heÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s been inoffensive. I now want Santino to win. Kara says she has to pull out all the stops and its do or die time. There isn’t a metaphor this girl can’t mix.
Daniel is using ferns and flowers surrounding the bust line. ItÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s not looking to bad. Andrae picks things that he thinks would Ã¢â‚¬Å“die beautifullyÃ¢â‚¬?, kind of like Jan Michael Vincents career. He says that he is designing a Ã¢â‚¬Å“topiary dresÃ¢â‚¬?. Now I donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t know much about fashion. I shop at the Old Navy. To me performance fleece is haut couture. But from what Andrae is making I can only assume that a topiary dress means Ã¢â‚¬Å“big green tankÃ¢â‚¬?.
Kara is braiding. She has a big pile of green and she tells us that Ã¢â‚¬Å“all I wants to do is smoke itÃ¢â‚¬?. I donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t get it. Why would she want to smoke a ficus plant? WouldnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t that make her sick? Oh waitÃ¢â‚¬Â¦ I get it. She was talking about the mary-jawana! Another thing I’ve noticed about Kara is she over enunciates things so much her lips take on a life of their own. She sounds like Giada De LAurentis when she says spa-GHET-ii
For those like me who are fashion amateurs, I’d just like to take a moment to point out what couture means; Ã¢â‚¬Å“The highest levels of fashion design, usually features designs that are only affordable to the very wealthyÃ¢â‚¬?. See? Now you’ve learned something.
No sooner are they to work than w get our first visit by Tim. As he walks around the room he stops first at ChloeÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s station. She is gluing tiny petals onto a huge skirt and is deluded into thinking she will have enough time. Tim tries to warn her that her idea is good but very ambitious. She is certain she can finish it. Take it from a former art major, you never have enough time. As he goes around the room he is actually rather gentle with everyone. No one is standing out as a big problem. Not even Kara. The only real problem is materials. Since they are all made of flowers everyone might not have enough to cover their models. Did I tell you this was my favorite episode?
Once Tim goes around the room he realizes there is no Andrae. Ã¢â‚¬Å“WhereÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s Andrae?Ã¢â‚¬? he yells in his dulcet tones. Andrae is outside with his dress and when Tim goes to look in on him and his astroturf monstrosity Santino starts up with his dead on Tim Gunn impression. ItÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s actually pretty funny. Ã¢â‚¬Å“WhereÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s Andrae? Carry on!Ã¢â‚¬?
LAter things get all serious Ã¢â‚¬Å“Think Ã¢â‚¬Å“a very special episode of Different StrokesÃ¢â‚¬? with Nancy Reagan serious. Daniel talks about the time he came out to his parents. He only did it just recently. Nick also reminisces about his times in the closet, saying for years he had the rent a dates in high school and his parents never knew. Really? Nicks parents didnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t know he was gay? ThatÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s like me saying I didnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t know Denzel Washington was black. I need to meet Nicks family. There are some people in Nigeria who need their help opening an offshore account to move 12 million dollars into it and if they help they can get 5 percent of that money! Daniel says that his ex girlfriend doesnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t even know that heÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s gay. Well, she knows now. And if sheÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s reading this recap. Call me, we can talk. IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ll help you through this.
Once the confessional time is over Daniel asks Santino to give them another round of Tim impersonations. And Santino is on fire. He creates a scenario where Andrae and Tim are dating and get into an argument at Red Lobster. I donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t know whatÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s funnier, the idea of Andrae and Tim dating, or watching Tim eat at Red Lobster, plastic bib and all.
Speaking of which, Tim makes another visit later in the night to check on everyoneÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s progress. When he asks how Kara is doing she is flustered and says she has no idea where she is going with her piece. Tim mentions that itÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s around ten at night and she better come up with an idea soon. Kara says that it is all coming together organically and she will eventually come up with something. Maybe a few tokes of some nice ganga would help her get all creative. Then put on some Phish and twirl around for a while. After that, make a run to Taco Bell for some Santa Fe GorditaÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s.
Daniels piece meanwhile, while looking good, may not have enough material to finish, Chloe’s dress is not even half finished and sheÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s running out of time. When Tim goes over to Andraes workspace he sees the floor covered in moss. Ã¢â‚¬Å“Look at this flotsam and jetsum!Ã¢â‚¬? he exclaims. Oh Tim, you make it sound so dirty. Say it again! Say flotsam again!
When Tim goes to check out Santino at his workstation he asks him to do his impression. A HA! The jig is up. Santino actually gets embarrassed and all red. As disturbing as Santino is, watching him with an ear to ear grin is even worse. HeÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s got horrible teeth that would put any British person to shame. He must floss with coaxial cable. Everyone is enjoying a good laugh including Tim. And then it hits me. Tim looks like a gay Steve Martin.
The next morning they have only hours to finish before the models come in for the fitting. Everyone is frantically gluing leaves on things. Chloe has resorted to gluing her leaves on chunks at a time and ending up with huge gaps in her dress. “IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢m not gonna blame anybody, IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢m just out of time.Ã¢â‚¬? She says. How brave of you.
Soon the models show up and its time for a treat. ThatÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s right, models with big bushes! ItÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s funny watching them cram them into these huge hedges with straps. Chloe has a stroke of genius and puts a leaf cap on my girl Grace. Sure it covers up her beautiful red hair, but it accentuates her huge schnozz, which I find oddly attractive.
Well with the models bushes trimmed its time for the runway. Heidi shows up in her Roman Toga outfit and tells everyone assembled that this challenge is all about innovation. But first lets meet our judges! The fabulous Michael Kors, Nina Garcia fashion editor of Elle magazine, and two dudes named Mark Badgley and James Mischka who I think work for the Parks Department or something.
As we watch the walk off all of them look pretty good except for AndraeÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s green tank, but Andrae is oblivious to how bad it is. He thinks itÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s cute and chic. Well, so is a German panzershrek so maybe heÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s not completely off.
After the walkoff, Heidi brings them all out onto the runway. First off, everyone is surprised that no one used flowers. ItÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s a sea of green leaves up there. Heidi was expecting to see all sorts of roses on everything. It looks like everyone saw Austin Scarletts corn husk mishap last season and didnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t want to get anything too perishable for the dress.
Galadriel the elf passes the ring to Frodo…
Nicks dress they say is too uniformly green. There wasnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t enough color. It wasnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t sophisticated enough for them. The judges like Ã¢â‚¬Å“sophisticatedÃ¢â‚¬? dresses made out of leaves and stems. They like ChloeÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s and KaraÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s, and they love Daniels. Even Santino does fairly well. But they save their worst criticisms for Andrae. It doesnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t fit her well and it looks like a big green doormat. Michael says its not Ã¢â‚¬Å“joyousÃ¢â‚¬?. Santinos are too shiny. He sprayed them with shellaq. Nina says it looks too plastic and it robs it of its natural feeling. Ã¢â‚¬Å“I have no problem with it being shiny.Ã¢â‚¬? says Heidi, to which Michael Kors responds Ã¢â‚¬Å“because youÃ¢â‚¬â„¢re German!” What the hell does that mean? Germans like shiny things? I think Michael Kors is having a mini stroke. Next hell be screaming things like Ã¢â‚¬Å“Bumble bee popcorn turns on the faucet. Not too much gravy! Stop the elevator!Ã¢â‚¬? and Kara would just nod approvingly and talk about how things are inviting and not inviting all at the same time.
When the contestants are ushered offstage its time for the judges to confer. Ã¢â‚¬Å“ItÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s hard to make leaves look vulgar, but there is a little bit of vulgarity in everything he does.Ã¢â‚¬? Michael says about Nicks dress. If you think thatÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s bad, wait until next weeks challenge when they have to make a dress made entirely of cock rings.
Soon enough they bring everyone out. Chloe, Kara and Santino are OK and sent backstage. The winner is Daniel, who has now become an unstoppable force. He is like Steven Seagal in Under Siege 2.
This leaves us with Nick and Andrae. I havenÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t seen two more nervous gay men since the premiere of Battleship Earth. I have absolutely no idea what that joke means, but it made me laugh so I left it in. If anyone can figure it out let me know. And the loser this week isÃ¢â‚¬Â¦.Andrae. Which is too bad because I normally like his stuff. And the whole thing is made worse because he barely even cries. I mean after his week 2 meltdown I was expecting snot to be rolling down his face and him peeing his pants. But no he remans fairly composed and Heidi waddles on up, gives him his auf wiedersehen and tells him that its time to make like a tree and leave. Hey-OOOOOHH!
So now thereÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s only five left and Santino is still alive. What did everyone else think? Are they upset Andrae’s gone?