The Fantastic Four!

It occurred to me last Wednesday when Project Runway was a repeat that it was the one and only repeat of the season, which worked out perfectly for me since I was in L.A. with the rest of the jaded Hollywood TVgasm crew and their jewel encrusted Sidekicks. You have to appreciate a show that doesn’t leave you hanging with numerous season-stretching repeats. And the one repeat they did have was at the crucial moment before the big fashion show in New York, timed so we could spend a week debating who out of the final 4 was the decoy. Bravo, Bravo. Bravo.

But this week Project Runway is back, and it’s a special episode. We finally get to find out who goes to Bryant Park, and since it’s the second to last episode (not including the reunion special) it gives me the opportunity to use penultimate in a sentence. And if that wasn’t exciting enough, stories are now out that Jeffrey may be disqualified for cheating in his final runway show for outsourcing his sewing. So how much drama was in this episode? Eh, actually not a whole lot after we found out what the big twist was. Read all about it after the jump.In more evidence that we have come to the home stretch the episode starts with a quick two minute recap of the season so far. Angela’s insanity, Vincent’s masturbating and Kayne’s floppy man tits. All images come flooding back. After the brief walk down memory lane, the show then goes to the morning after the last elimination. We see Uli waking up all alone in the bedroom. Angela’s boner destroying hippie sack is now just a memory. A horrifying blood curdling memory. In the boys apartment Jeff nudges Michael saying it’s time to wake up and “time to fight”. Obviously he doesn’t mean literally since he’s a pudgy former junkie who prefers to pick fights with middle aged women. Michael would eat him alive. No, this fight is more of a metaphorical fashion like fight. Jeff doesn’t win those either.

Then we hear Jeff talking about the final challenge and his chances of advancing. “Each of us does something very specific. If you like peasant blouses, big and flowy, Uli’s in, if you like run of the mill friendly fashion them Michaels in, and if you like mothballs and chicken soup then Laura’s in.” OK, I get that Jeffrey is a self conscious asshole who needs to validate his own shitty talent by disparaging others, but “moth balls and chicken soup”? That’s a little too random even for me. I mean I enjoy chicken soup and mothballs perform a valuable function. But aybe he means Mothballs and chicken soup. But that’s just gross. Who would even like that? Oh Jeff, your metaphors confuse and frighten me!

From there we cut to everyone getting ready for their big day. Laura has got her messed up morning hair going, and it looks much better than the stern schoolmarm slicked back hair look she’s been sporting all season. Add in the fact that the t-shirt she is wearing has a neckline that is above her navel and she is barely recognizable(shes wearing a Blogging Project Runway T-shirt which begs the question: Wheres the TVgasm love? When will we get a t-shirt shout out?). She is of course still riding high from her recent win.

As is Michael. He is out on the rooftop contemplating life and getting ready for his last challenge. He says that ever since he was nine years old he has wanted to be a fashion designer. This makes me a little self conscious since when I was all I wanted to do was watch cartoons and pick my nose. The more things change….

On the runway they are met by Heidi as always. This next challenge is the big one she says. It will decide who makes fashion week, and who makes fashion week as the decoy (although they don’t ever say that). The whole experience is made more immediate by the image of just 4 designers sitting before her. It’s finally come to this. Heidi says that she will not tell them what their challenge is. Instead they will go meet with Nina Garcia at Elle magazines headquarters tomorrow, located oddly enough across the hall from Cracked Magazine World Headquarters. And then Heidi brings us to the most heart wrenching moment of the show. Time for the model elimination. With Kayne gone it leaves my early pick, and current celebrity girlfriend Amanda, out in the cold.

Laura sticks with Camilla but Uli goes for the upset and steals Nazri away from Michael. Uli is playing for keeps. Michael is then forced to go with Clarissa, so that just leaves Jeff. Will he save Amanda from certain death? And by death I mean getting voted off a reality show, since we all know that that is the worst pain any human can ever got through ever. Alas no. he goes with his same lame model from before and the rest of the models are sent packing. Light packing though since all they have is a black slip. Of all the Aufs in all the world, Amanda’s auf was the toughest auf of all. I’ve been batting 1.00 with my redheaded models on this show. This is a tough loss. Godspeed Amanda. Shine on, you crazy diamond…

I know, I can’t beleive it either

The next morning they all shuffle over to Elle and meet Nina in her office, which is bigger than any apartment in New York that I’ve ever been in. Laura is excited since she hasn’t had much one on one time with Nina at all this season. When they get there instead of some one on one time, Nina just gives them a 10 minute shilling, Umm, I mean speech, about the wonders of Elle Magazine. It was hard for everyone to concentrate since she also had GoldenPalace.com written on her forehead. Project Runway loves their product placement. After her little Amway sales pitch about the wonders of Elle (at one point I believe she said that its perfume inserts are capable of curing certain forms of cancer), she then fills us in on the challenge.

They are to create an outfit of their choice that must convey their point of view as a designer. They want them to communicate a story to them. They have total creative freedom. Uli is thrilled. No more garbage dresses, no more “use every piece of fabric you have” crappy rules. Its all on them now. Nina then gives them some sheets of paper and tells them they have to choose 3 words to describe who they are as fashion designers. Uli then scribbles down “Party, vasted and Herr Grubenfuhmer”.

Later In the workroom Tim, well I call him Tim since we are BFF, comes by fill them in on the rest of the challenge. They have 30 minutes to sketch and a budget of 250 dollars. Jeff wants to toss all the judges preconceptions out the window. Does this mean he will make something that doesn’t suck? A radical notion, but will it pay off? Jeff then describes himself as a romantic so he decides to go with the colors Red White and Blue. America, the land of romance. But then again it’s also the colors of the French flag, and France invented the whole awesome idea of sticking your tongue inside another persons mouth, so maybe it’s a little of both. Uli sketches at least 4 different dresses and is so confused as to which way to go that she decides to wait until she gets to Mood before she makes her final choice. Laura decides to go a little safe and just do what she does best but do it better then ever. Well, since she’s already pregnant I’m assuming she’s referring to her clothes and not getting pregnant again, cuz shes really good at that. Michael says that he wants to go with a sketch that had a wow factor, but none of his sketches have that wow factor so he is getting nervous. From here its off to Mood (sniff, last time I’ll type that sentence all year). When Uli spots a wacky tie dye print she creams her lederhosen. She now knows what she’ll do. When saw the print she then tells us that it is “Colorful! Flowy! Uli!” Amen sister. Amen.

When they get back to the workroom, Michael is still stumped. He’s forced to go back to sketching. Not a good sign. Meanwhile Jeffrey is continuing to do his trademark diary room insults. This time he’s picking on Laura, the woman who decided to get married and raise a large loving family while Jeffrey was sitting in his own shit in a gutter shooting up heroin. Jeffrey then explains why he is better than Laura. She can’t design he says. She doesn’t have the range that he has. And worst of all, she has 5 kids yet hasn’t bothered to tattoo any of their names on her body, this proving that she doesn’t love them as much as Jeffrey loves his kid. I myself only tattoo my favorite foods on my body, which explains why I have a giant Taco Bell Santa Fe Gordita tattoed on my ass. Was that too much information?

While Uli is busy with her Uliesque print (even going so far as having Jeffrey try it o and frolic around the workroom just like dear old Grandpa Meinhard used to do back in Stuttgart) Michael is still in a brain freeze. Then it hits him. “Sexy, sensual sophistication!” he beams. Michaels epiphany is further emphasized by the radical up tempo music. It’s the kind of music I hear in my head when I get in that blogging “zone” after I struggle with how to insert another crude cooter joke into a recap.

Soon Tim comes by. He’s surprised by Jeffrey’s choices. Jeffrey tells Tim its reminiscent of a dress that he once made that was so beautiful that it made people cry. I only believe the last 3 words of that sentence. At Laura’s station she is worried that’s she’s being too safe and too cautious. Tim tells her that she can’t be safe. She has to wow them. Maybe not move them to tears, because only Jeffrey is that talented, but wow them. At Michaels station Tim shows some concern. “It can’t just be a pretty dress” he explains. This is a window on what he’ll do at fashion week and he needs to keep that in mind. Michael nods in agreement and gets to work. At Uli’s station she is having the same fears as the rest of the designers. She’s afraid of being to predictable. Tim once again drills it into their head to surprise the judges but still keep it you. “Don’t bore Nina”!! he pleads, making me think that at some point in the past Tim bored Nina and had to pay the harsh penalty.

With one hour to go Uli has a meltdown of sorts and decides to start from scratch. She starts shredding the dress she has and will start over. By having the producers put this in the episode it either means Uli wins or she gets sent home. Laura exclaim “go for it Ul’s!” Ul’s. I like that. But in her diary room interview Laura is concerned that Uli doesn’t know what she wants.

The next morning everyone gets up bright and early. Uli is so concerned that she starts to slip in and out of third person. “Uli is in deep trouble today, because I vasted whole day which turned out to be totally wrong. ” If she drifts into using the royal we, then you’ll know she’s really f*cked. In the workroom Tim asks them to grab their one sheet and gather round. He’s got more stuff on the days challenge. The winner of this challenge will have their dress photographed by some pretentious French photographer whose name I can’t pronounce much less spell, and their dress featured in Elle’s “First Look” page. This sends them into convulsions. Oh but he’s not done yet. Soon they will fit their models and have an hour to photograph them on the streets of New York! OK, not sure how awesome that is, but I’m rolling with it. The photos need to convey their story. This also means however that they have to be done by 5pm, 6 hours before schedule. So they are now doubling there efforts in the workroom.

While everyone is working Jeffrey takes a short break to watch a small video on his phone of his son walking. Jeffrey being Mr. Rock and Roll starts to blubber like a baby. I’m sorry but crying at some grainy internet video of your kid? Guys don’t cry at internet videos unless it’s someone like this dude, or the sad, desperate and utterly authentic cry for help that is LonelyGirl15.

In the workroom Uli tells us that she loves pressure. She eats it like candy. Laura thinks Jeff is taking a big risk with his dress and Jeff is aware that there is no bottom two this time. You’re either in or out. From there we are brought to our emotionally empty Amanda-less model fitting. Michael has no straps finished on his dress so he is forced to pin them down. Laura is tired and “practically blind” from beading everything in sight. Plus the whole pregnant thing I suppose makes things tougher for her.

After the rushed model fitting they are given digital cameras and sent off to take pictures. Michael goes as far as….. the Atlas lobby. Jeff goes to Central Park. “The provocation and the irreverence to me are all in the fabrication” he says. Wow, looks like someone got a thesaurus for Christmas. He considers his dress as having that advantageous inspirational, celebrational, muppetaitonal supercalifragilicousexpealidocousness that the other designers lack. Laura has a little more trouble herself with an aborted elevator picture when the elevator refuses to cooperate. She instead just gets a generic “hailing a taxicab” picture in Times Square. Uli meanwhile is all about tthe adventure and goes to..you guessed it, Times Square.

When they get back to the workroom Tim tells them its time to choose their magic 3 words. Laura picks “Glamour, Confidence and Elegance”, Jeff goes with “Romantic, Irreverence and Provocative” and Uli goes with “Fun, Life and Adventure”. She was originally going to go with “Food, Folks and Fun” but that’s already being used. Michael goes with the three S’s “Sexiness, Sultriness and Sensuality”. Jeff’s reaction to that is to call it “stupid”. Clearly Michael doesn’t understand the fabricated irreverence of his provocation.

The next morning everyone is up bright and early as always. It’s runway day! And the final runway day. Laura is quite beat down with the whole experience and wants to just get throught the day. When they get to the workroom Tim greets them on what is their last day in said workroom. Tim tells them all ow proud he is of each and every one of them (sniff..) and then sends in the models for their fitting and makeup. Time to knock the judges designer socks off.

On the Runway Heidi comes out and it’s clear she was saving her best outfit for last. Girl is rockin the boobies. Shes bringing some décolletage up in this mofo. I wold give anything if shes just randomly started doing jumping jacks. After she briefly explains the challenge its time for the show

What you see

What I see

Jeffrey’s comes out and it looks like a big pair of French knickers. But Rock and Roll knickers! Laura’s dress is beautifully well made, but other than color, it is virtually indistinguishable form her last dress. And again with the plunging neckline. But then again, her last dress was the winner and the judges loved it, so it ‘s hard to tell how the judges will react. After the Alison debacle I’ve realized you can never predict what these crazy judges will do. On Heidi that works, but c’mon, I’ve seen enough skinny model sternums to last me a lifetime. Uli’s outfit is a big step forward. Not so much in the colors as it’s the same Uli crazy print, but the design of the dress is a lot different than what were used to. Michael is kind of a typical boring Michael evening gown but without the usual Michael oomph. Michael however, loves it. “I even made a white girl look like she had some ass, that’s how damn sexy my dress is”. he says.

After the show they bring out the models. The judges want them to describe the story and the 3 words they picked. Nina doesn’t like Laura’s because she wasn’t surprised. It’s the same old Laura. Kors agrees and says that the make of the dress is great and its chic, but he also says they need to see something new from Laura. Terri agrees, she likes it but has seen it before. When they get to Michael’s dress, Kors is under whelmed. It’s just another gown. There’s no real look to it. Michael says that there is a look to it and that that look is “va va voom”. Weird since when I look at my clothes I keep thinking “Yabba dabba doo”. They also have trouble with his “keyhole” which is yet another new fashion term that I’ve learned from this show. Before now I just thought it was called “the opening where you can see boobies”.

A keyhole refers to an opening in a garment usually around the cleavage area or upper back. So named because it is supposed to resemble and keyhole opening in shape, although it is more of a teardrop shape in reality.

They love Uli’s. They like how she has gone with a completely new shape to the dress. Nina agrees. They also love her front “mini keyhole” that showing just a bare hint of skin.

The guy in the red shirt rules

Then its Jeff. They don’t like his at all. He explains to the judges that he likes to create things that have sort of an “heirloom” feel to it. Call it “Rock and Roll Hummel” if you will. Kors doesn’t thinks its provocative at all, he thinks it’s a little too “pretty”. Heidi doesn’t think it looks sophisticated or edgy at all. It looks very milkmaid to her.

When the judges deliberate the big theme is how disappointed they all are with everyone’s choices. Every one other than Uli that is. When they bring the designers back out they start by announcing the winner. And the winner is…. Uli! Wow! I am amazed. Not because it was a bad dress but because I thought for sure she was the decoy in the show. Looks like I was wrong. Then Laura is told that she is safe. But with a warning from Heidi that she does not want to see 20 plunging necklines. OK, she was my #2 choice for being the decoy, so I’m not doing to well on that front, but the good news is my final 3 is so far completely intact.

This leaves just Jeffrey and Michael. At this point I am confident I got the hat trick. Jeff’s clearly made yet another piece of crap, and the judges have loved Michael all along so they are more willing to overlook one of his rare duds. But then the unexpected happens. No one is out. All four will be showing at fashion week. There will be no decoy. Wow. I am pissed. Jeffrey has been in the bottom two and close to elimination for his crap for weeks and weeks. And now because of a quirk in this seasons judging he gets to completely luck his way into showing at Fashion week. Damn, I would have rather seen Angela’s stuff at Bryant Park. At least that would have been n more entertaining. And of course this also means Emmett wasn’t lying to me when I talked to him in NY and he said he didn’t think there would be a decoy. Ah well, with that we have our final 4, and Tim for one is thrilled. He has been dreading sending someone up to the workroom all night, and now he doesn’t have to!

So what did everyone think? Do you like the idea of having all 4 show at Fashion week? Do you think Jeffrey got in by default?