There’s nothing like a good change of scenery to spice things up. Just like when the Facts of Life went from a boarding house to a candy store to try and revitalize the show, Project Runway has relocated, albeit temporarily, to the heart of the Fashion world, Paris, France. Now all they need is a young George Clooney with big hair to complete the effect.
But of course heaven forbid that Project Runway needed to spice things up. They’ve got a strong season going for them so far, thank you very much. So this little diversion should prove to be a nice change of pace. And it raises the specter of the greatest challenge they could ever attempt to do: The sexy French maid outfit challenge.
So finally in honor of Project Runway’s Paris trip, I have decided to finish this recap entirely in French, the language of Love, as opposed to the language of hate, which we all know is Inuit.
Tellement en ce moment vous vous demandez si je vais réellement accomplir cette récapitulation en français. Non, pas vraiment. Je suis simplement curieux pour voir si mes typos sont dépassent la langue et également I pour voir si n’importe qui prend la peine de traduire ceci et de le lire. Si oui, mon chapeau est éteint à vous!OK, just kidding. I can barely type in English much less another language. The show starts immediately after Angela was sent unceremoniously packing. And no they didn’t send her right home they gave her a day to see the sights and have a nice meal. It’s Bravo, they’re not entirely heartless. They’ve kept Carson Cressley employed for over 3 years, exactly 2 years and 10 months longer than he was of any interest to anyone. We start with our annoyingly cliché French accordion music moments after the last eviction. Alas this lame music will pervade the entire episode until they leave for New York. Thank god they didn’t go to England as we’d be hearing God Save the Queen every 5 minutes.
Catherine Maldonado then tells the designers about their next challenge. They are to design couture dress. Now for those of you who don’t know, and that was me until I looked it up last season, couture is a term referring to a hand made one of a kind high fashion dress. And France is the capitol of it. I’m ambivalent about it since a lot of what I’ve seen in the past of couture is what turns the normal person off from fashion. Ridiculous crap like this and this. But for a challenge, why not. And besides, Couture rhymes with cooter, so it can’t be all bad.
Catherine says that in France couture is a serious business. You have to be licensed by the government to do it. Just like Germany has strict beer making laws, France has strict fashion laws. 007, license to couture. Wow, that was one bad joke.
They have only two days to complete the dress. When Vincent hears this he is shocked. “I mean a couture gown in what, 20 hours?”. Vincent is using the European clock you see where an hour of their time is like 2.4 of hours. It’s the metric system. They do things differently over there. Even their plugs look weird. Catherine then says they are all invited to a party Sunday night where they can present all of the fabulous gowns. The password to get in is “Fidelio” and be sure to wear a weird mask and bring lots of condoms. From there Tim tells them they are heading to their hotel and after they unpack he is taking them all out to dinner. Are there Red Lobsters in Paris?
After a brief look at their hotel and a walk around town, which made me convinced that I need to go to Paris soon, they walk through the courtyard of the Louvre and past the final resting place of the Holy Grail. Oops, I’ve said too much… Moving on. They then go to what Laura calls a “great French restaurant” , or as the French call it, “a restaurant”.
The next morning Tim gets them up bright and early. After a short ride on the metro, where Jeff is mistaken for Pete Doherty, understandable since they both have that heroin ravaged talentless loser vibe going, they are brought to Sacré-Coeur de Montmartre a church at the highest point in the city where artists go to find inspiration. They are given 30 minutes to sketch. Vincent doesn’t waste any time during sketching to start talking about his arousal levels. “I trained in couture dressmaking. It just turns me on” he breathlessly informs us Great. Thank you Bravo for unleashing Vincent’s erection on Europe.
When they are finished they all take the metro again and go to the French Mood called Rain. And since couture fabrics are expensive they are given 300 euro, equivalent of 370 dollars. Hmm, maybe that trip to France will have to wait a bit until the exchange rate changes. As they wander the store Uli talks about going with what she knows, which makes me nervous, and Vincent upon seeing a bolt of white fabric moans sin ecstasy at the store clerk helping him saying “Ooh, she knows what I like”. Readers, commence vomiting now. Jeff goes with a weird plaid and says his inspiration is the Statue of Liberty. This makes me hopeful that that means he will be booted this week but then he reminds us that he has immunity this week, which makes my heart sink.
Back in the workroom they are given models cards for the French model that they are going to be using. Then Tim lets us in on a piece of news that makes me sad. They will only be in France for this one challenge. They will have to refit their NY models when they get back to the states. They have until midnight tonight and with that Tim says “Faites-lui le travail!” Make it work in French.
And Kayne still thinks he’s the “funny one”
Uli finally steps out of here comfort zone and starts to design a dress with no prints. It’s a classic satiny looking gray. This makes me happy as I’m an unabashed Uli fan, despite some cheap jokes at the beginning of the show (Hey, A blogger gots to eat) and hope this can be a big breakthrough for her. Laura goes with a black dress with white a white collar and wants to vamp it up. Michael says he is going simple and will then put his details on top of that.
Kayne on the other hand is excited as his dress is going to be the kind of dress he would make for his favorite pageant girl. Laura gently reminds him, well as gently as Laura can do anything really, that “that’s gonna get you in trouble Kayne”. Lets hope so, I’m kind of done with Kayne and his “Vegas tendencies” as Laura puts it.
Later that night we see Vincent working on his dress in shorts and a muscle t shirt, sans accompanying muscles. This challenge is that hot for him. Pretty soon I expect him to tuck back his junk and do a Silence of the Lambs dance around his dress with “The Crying Game ” playing in the background. Laura pipes in, and god knows I love it when she does, saying that “Vincent is a legend in his own mind. He spends a lot of time working on his pattern on the mannequin, stepping back, and admiring his work. Asking us other designers for what he calls an opinion but its really he just wants us to come admire his work.” Cut to Vincent doing exactly that.
The next morning, after an “Odd Couple” like exchange (only without the humor) with Jeff, Vincent and an electric shaver, we get right back to the workroom. They only have twelve hours left and need to Faites-lui le travail!
Tim comes by and gives them all his Tim’s take, French style. Michael is worried about his time. At Laura’s station, we see her wearing a cutoff exposing her now quite big pregnant belly. Damn, didn’t she just find out she was pregnant a week ago and now she’s got a huge belly? I have no concept of time on this show. Its like watching a soap opera in the mid nineties when Hope and Bo are having a kid, and then watching it in 2000 and their kids are like 23 and getting married. What? My mom watches Days of Our lives so occasionally I get to see it. Don’t judge.
Next for Laura? A couture “Bun in the oven” T-shirt
At Kayne’s station, which were calling pageant central, Tim looks concerned. Tim starts his next sentence with “I am only saying this I the spirit of someone who wants you to succeed…” Ooh, that’s not a good start to s sentence. That’s the equivalent of the “Ed, I just want to tell you that I think you’re a great guy….” speech. Namely, what comes next is gonna sting. “This is not working for me. Seeing all this boning underneath. It’s not pretty”. I don’t know what boning is but I agree with Tim. I always do. Kayne is simply oblivious. He thinks it’s gorgeous. It’s like a drug addict who says he can quit any time. Or an alcoholic who says she will just drink beer and won’t do shots anymore. We all know how successful that is.
Back in the workroom Jeff is having a mini breakdown regarding the whole couture French sanctioned thing or what have you. I guess that French heroin doesn’t agree with him. Laura is still worrying aloud about Kayne. She likes him and feels bad that he may get hurt since his dress sucks. Jeff in his usual way just says he doesn’t care if he gets hurt. The same way I don’t care about making heron jokes about a recovering junkie. The beauty is, if the recovering junkie is a dick head, all bets are off.
Laura’s dress and her elaborate collar are coming along but Vincent and Jeff hate it. Vincent tells Jeff that it looks like the creature from the black lagoon. It’s totally ruining his hard on man. Jeff then comes back saying that yeah, it’s really boring! A boring creature from the black lagoon? I love how they both think they agree on what they think of her dress, but are too stupid to realize they both have the exact opposite reaction to it.
Michael meanwhile is worried he’s not going to get his done in time. This is the part of the show I hate. When you can’t tell what everyone’s dress looks like so you can’t tell who’s going home and who’s staying. So when they make me nervous for Michael, it gets my agita up. Vincent meanwhile is going on and on about how his dress has “got a funk to it”, and combined with the constant “it turns me on” comments, it creates an unappealing vision in my head of what is the cause of said funk.
That night at the hotel poor Laura is letting us in on what I have chauvinistically not even noticed. All this stress is making it tough for her since she’s pregnant. Her ankles are swollen from the constant walking around town, she’s tired and she’s got a pregnancy to look after not just herself. Because of that she goes to bed early while everyone stays up to drink wine and cheese. But she doesn’t miss much as all we here is Kayne insisting his dress is gorgeous.
The next morning everyone is getting ready for the big party today with their gowns. They have 3 hours in the morning to finish up. Uli is worried that Vincent’s skirt fabric looks a little too much like a sofa. Yeah, and we all know what a dress that looks like a sofa can get you on Project Runway. Michael is worried as he is hand sewing his dress and he’s never done it before. They don’t hand sew in the hood. It’s all sewing machines. Blinged out sewing machines.
Soon Tim shows up and says they have 3 hours to get ready. When Laura asks if they are having their traditional runway walk Tim says he can’t say. It’s a surprise! After that the Models arrive. Mmmm, French models.
Not everyone is happy with them as Michael soon realizes his model, who is hot, is also about the size of a small hobbit. This means he has to take the dress in 4 sizes with an hour to go. With all the sewing he has to do on top of that I start to worry about my boy Michael. Kayne meanwhile is still in his little “my dress is gorgeous” world. Population: 1. When Tim comes by to see Vincent, he has reduced himself to gluing his last stuff on, even the hem. Tim is quite displeased (to fond out exactly why, listen to his weekly podcast). After a brief bit of bitch Tim getting everyone in gear they head off to their fabulous party.
This is how we say “Hello” in America!
When they get there they realize the party is on a boat docked on the river Seine. Brings back Memories of Highlander – the series. Ahh, I miss that show. And like Highlander, in the end there can be only one. As they are all walking onto the barge the weirdest thing happens. Some random guy from an apartment building above starts pelting them with eggs. Or was it from the grassy French knoll? Who knows. I guess the guy must have a thing about hastily constructed fake couture. Like I said, they take this stuff seriously in France. Unfortunately Michael, who has had a hard enough time as it is, has his dress now with a sheen off egg on the cuff.
On the barge we are greeted by Catherine who is wearing those god-awful oversized 70′s sunglasses. God I hate those things. It just brings imagines of a preying mantis looking Nicole Ritchie flooding into my brain. Gross. Speaking of gross, Laura’s model. Holy cow. A pale pudgy mess. She looks like she just stepped out of a Sid and Nancy look a like contest. The other models however, are smoking. Even better than the ones back home. Except for Amanda of course.
She actually makes Laura look tan
With that they break out the champagne and Catherine does her rounds talking with each designer. When she is chatting with Jeff she asks about his neck tattoo and we finally learn what it is. Directions to the final resting place of the lost ark of the covenant! Who knew? She tells him that doing a couture dress all in cotton is rather audacious of him. Which I think is the French word for “retarded”. When Catherine is amazed by Michael’s detail work on his dress we hear Michael tell us “it is fucked up under that dress. If you took a look it’s horrible.”
When we see Vincent’s dress Catherine is surprised that he decided to go with shoulder pads. NFL couture. Vincent however doesn’t care about fashion right now. He is transfixed. He decides to put his month long erection to good use and starts to hit on Catherine in the creepiest way possible. Or the most Vincenty way possibly. Same thing really. “Your one of the most sensational women I’ve ever laid eyes on. Everything about you, your hair, you watch, your look, impeccable.” Her watch? Then he goes in for the kill. “Was your father a thief? ‘Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.” Vincent’s full court press doesn’t work to well as Catherine brushes it all off. Then when he asks her opinion on his dress she just says that its “an interesting dress”.
After a truncated runway show Tim grades the scorecards and says that they are going back with him to NY but for now, lets par-tay. “Bravo!” exclaims Catherine, to which Tim Responds “Bravo is right!” Oh they do love their in show plugs. With that they spend the night drinking champagne and watching the sights of the city as they sail down the river. Speaking if the sights, one of the French models asks Kayne in her sexy French accent about American models. And Kayne totally sells my Amanda down the river by saying that while the American models are good, the French ones are superb! Et tu Kayne? Et tu?
The next morning alas is the end of our Paris adventure. They are all headed back to NY. When they arrive back home instantly through the magic of television they have to get ready for another runway show with their real models and they have only 2 hours to get ready. With the French models subsisting on moldy cheese and wine, their measurements are a lot smaller than our good old br-b-q eating, beer swilling American models, so everyone is struggling to refit their dresses. Laura notices her poofy collar got smooshed in the planes garment bag and is struggling to regain its poofiness. A struggle we all face every day in one form or another.
On the runway we are greeted by our perky Heidi. She is going a different way with this weeks look. No jeans and a cute top but instead opting for a nice black evening gown. Only downside, it minimizes her world famous boobies. Our judges are Michael , Nina and Richard Tyler, who just designed the Delta flight suits we saw last episode. It’s all about corporate synergy people. Richard Tyler has an amazing look by the way. It’s like the crypt keeper with a mullet.
“The first dress is Kayne’s. It’s actually not too bad looking, but I am distracted by Amanda, looking prettier than she’s ever been. But since we’ve seen her look pretty damn horrible in the past, it’s basically just nice to see her cleaned up for once. Next we have Laura’s dress. She is worried that the collar doesn’t have the oomph it had in Paris. Next is Uli’s and it’s quite the departure for her. A simply gray silky gown. No crazy prints. It’s one of my favorites and really shows that she has bigger range.
Next is Jeff’s wacky cotton yellow jacket mess. I don like it at all. Vincent’s is OK, but Vincent of course thinks its genius. “The cut on the back of the dress. No one cuts like that” yeah, yeah, whatever. Then we have Michael. I admit it’s not the best effort for him. It has a Malan like quality to it. “I’m sweating like a whore in church” he says as his model walks don the runway, since he has a lot of issues with the dress. Which I appreciate. Nothing aggravates me more than listening to designers talk about how awesome their dress is when everyone can clearly see its a piece of crap. Actually that’s not true, nothing aggravates me more than the way that every single low cut gown this season has been modeled by a woman with the chest of a prepubescent boy. Where can a guy get some cleavage around here? Let’s get some of that décolletage up in this mofo.
After the runway show we are brought before the judges. Since the sow has narrowed it down a bit they get a chance to talk to every designer. They start with Uli. They all like that Uli broke out of her shell. They think it beautiful. Michael says he think “it looks elevated. I don’t look at it and thinks she’s wearing a flip flop in Miami”. Uli is now bringing her A game down the home stretch.
Then they go to Kayne. He went with gold mesh and the famous boning we have heard about. Richard Tyler thinks it looks too busy. As does Nina. Michael agrees as well saying “I think the ombre chiffon is gorgeous, but who can concentrate on that?. I think you’re middle names gotta be ‘too much’”. You know Michael has been waiting weeks to use that line.
When they ask Jeffrey to describe his outfit he tells them that he loves the color. He says he just wants people to smile when they look at it. They all surprisingly like his use of color as well and give him high marks. Vincent they don’t like either. The top doesn’t fit right, the sleeve doesn’t fit right. Nina thinks that the back would have worked better as the front. And Richard Tyler doesn’t like the Angela like flourette on the back of the dress.
Now its time for Michael. Kors says the dress looks like when they loan a dress out to a celebrity and this is what they get back. A wrinkled mess. Oh please Kors, having celebrities wear your dresses is your bread and butter. You guys form a symbiotic relationship, not unlike the people of Naboo and the Gungans. That’s right Kors, you’re Jar Jar. Deal with it. Michael does come back with the egg spattering incident but I’m not sure how far that will get him. It’s not like it splattered all over the dress, it just grazed the hem. Richard Tyler and Heidi hate the little bunny eared ruffles coming out of the cleavage and ask him to tuck them in. When he does the difference is notable and the dress looks much better.
Laura’s they don like at all. They specifically comment on the dated looking collar which bothers them. Kors says that if you shortened the collar and gave her a duster she would look like a French maid. I am struggling to see his point there. Was that an insult?
Once they are finished they send them all backstage so they can discuss amongst themselves. They combine their scores with Catherine’s from France. Most of them agree on Uli’s and Jeff’s, they liked them both. They don’t like Michaels dress and Kayne’s is just flat out tacky as always. Nina says about Kayne that his taste level is just not there. Nina you’ll remember waxed rhapsodic about Bradley’s potato sack dress that took him 5 minutes to throw together. Fashion is subjective. With Vincent’s dress, Michael is complaining that the model is basically topless, once again making it sound like an insult. They also hate the glued on button looking thing in the back. The funniest part was when Heidi then reads Catherine’s notes on Kayne’s. She looks down at the card which just says “No, no, no, no, no” That made me laugh. Next Laura. Its looks too obvious and old. Kors says “it’s a big block of fabric that looks like a slab”.
After they are done deliberating they bring out the contestants. The winner of the challenge is announced first. It is Jeffrey. And now I realize why I hate Jeffrey. Unbridled arrogance, a sense of entitlement. Acting like a dick all the time. He sucks but when the time comes late in the game they somehow are able to squeak through. Jeffrey is the New York Yankees. God I hate him. Let’s just hope he is the 2004 New York Yankees and Michael is the 2004 miracle Boston Red Sox. Especially since Heidi announces from now on there will be no more immunity.
Heidi then says that Uli is in. And then, thank god, Michael is in. My man is still kicking. Now I just need Laura to make it so my top 3 is intact. Please god let Laura make it. Things don’t bode well for that outcome as for some ungodly reason, Kayne is told he is still in it. So it’s down to Laura and Vincent.. Are all the rumors true about Vincent’s weird looking model getting hit by a bus? Did he make it?
Haha. NOPE! Laura is een! Vincent is out! The Vincent hard on of 2006 finally sags. After he goes to his workroom to clean up we get Vincent’s parting thoughts. “It got me off, I just loved it”. How his man doesn’t have Popeye forearms I have no idea. And if you cant get enough Vincent check out his interview in this weeks Entertainment Weekly. He puts the D in delusional. Among his gems, Michael Kors “didn’t have a clue”. The judges didn’t like his outfits because they were so new and innovative it scared them. And when asked who he thought was the best designer, here is his response:
Myself. I love the truth, and I’ll say this: If you look at the show and you know anything about design, you can see clearly who the designer was. They are amateurs. This show is full of amateur designers. I think one was way, way above and alone on the show. But I don’t do the ego thing. It’s not my style. But I love the truth.
Boy I’m glad he doesn’t do the ego thing, otherwise that could have come off looking bad.
Ah well, that’s all in the past now. Today all is good in runway land. My top 3 remain intact and things move on to next week where Tim says they have a big surprise for us.