The Puppy Bowl: Only the Strong Survive

Puppies really know what team play means.

Only the strong survive puppy bowl. Sure, some men like football and get drunk watching men in tight uniforms but the real heroes? Those who can endure the constant game of puppy bowlery. And yes, we have it here. So- I pose this question to you: Are you a man, or are you a man? Do you accept this challenge?

Mona: Welcome to Puppy Bowl 6!! From MonaMonzano (brilliant recapper of More to Love, the Hills and Charm School) and Amanda A., whom you might know from check into cash commercials and her frequent visits to the Philly Steak depot!



Amanda: Coming to you from Silver Spring Maryland!



Mona: Where the hell is that?



Amanda: Home of cuteness!

maximum adorability

Mona: Those stands are packed with cardboard people!

If only people were actually like this. I wouldn’t have to take diet pills.

Amanda: For those of you who don’t know, Puppy Bowl has the most outstanding athletes on four legs making dreams come true!! Especially my dream of saying “AWWWWWW” for 3 hours straight.



Mona: And this year we get to catch glimpses of puppy tailgaters!!!! No, seriously, that chihuahua is cold!

Amanda: This year also comes complete with BUNNY CHEERLEADERS!!!!! Who…….react? Well, maybe later.

sniff.

Amanda: This is going to be extreme.



Mona: EXTREMELY CUTE!



Amanda: The hour has arrived.



Mona: You are just writing what you hear.



Amanda: Pinnacle!



Mona: The vet just grabbed that dogs nuts!

Not in the bikini zone (weeps)

Amanda: Is that what they do to human football players? Where do I sign up to be an NFL vet? “Yup, his junk be okay!”



Mona: Nothing says American extravagance like a puppy bowl.



Amanda: These puppies are American heroes!



Mona: Where’s Carrie Underwood to sing the puppy national anthem?

Nothing says America like slobber and butthole sniffing.

Amanda: Some of our players include: Sir Winston.



Mona: Snobby



Amanda: Fava!



Mona: Where’s the pit bull puppy ready to tear some shit up?



Amanda: Duncan

Again, loves Yachting.

Mona: Which one has rape charges? Unsubstantiated rape charges.



Amanda: Did these puppies take urine tests?



Mona: At the end of the bowl, the worst pup gets a plate of brownies.



Amanda: And now that the game has “begun” we quickly learn there is no game and this program is exactly what the description of it is, “puppies play.”



Mona: But we do have cool views like the Water Bowl Cam——-HEY GET THAT FILTHY LEG OUT OF THE WATER BOWL YA DAMN MUTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Amanda: Bite on the toosh! And the crowd goes wild!!!!



Mona: Which puppy will get mercilessly humped?

Trick question: ALL OF THEM!

Twizzlers Blimp!!!!! Whoo hoo twizzlers for all!!!!!

Because Blimps are usually chock full of the product that they advertise.

Amanda: Driven by hamsters who look like they are wearing fake hamster masks! CREEPY!!!!!



Mona: Jersey boy is on the move, and fave cleared two puppies in one jump. I’m assuming that’s a play?



Amanda: A two buck tackle means gang bang right?



Mona: Yes. Hot puppy butthole.

like this one.

Amanda: Which one is dating Kim Kardashian?



Mona: Bandit is not fucking around!!!!! Seriously, though- never teach your puppy to chew on other puppies.



Amanda: None of these puppies ever look like they’ve ever played football before.Who is coaching this!!!??????



Mona: I bet Marmaduke is coaching.



Amanda: Please let’s look at the weird miscolored hamsters again!



Mona: Bandit and Duncan are making out on the 40 yard line.



Amanda: And where are the sexy bunny cheerleaders!?! More cheering!

sniff.

Mona: More action camera shots and oddly placed yet adorable camera angles!



Amanda: The offense seems to be setting up a play? Really? Touchdown? Okaaaaaaayyyyyy.



Mona: Slobber knocking action?



Amanda: Aw! The new puppy player, Royal has one blue eye!



Mona: Maybe that means he can see the future.



Amanda: It does mean that.



Mona: I wonder if he can see the winner of the puppybowl!



Amanda: He’s like the puppy version of Biff from Back to the Future 2!



Mona: The bunny cheerleaders look like they’re napping. Look alive!



Amanda: Who are you routing for?



Mona: You know, I always go for the UNDERDOG!



Amanda: The announcer just said , “AWWW.” Is that allowed?



Mona: Yeah, the announcer is saying “aww” a lot. Very unconventional.

you’ve been vewwy vewwy bad cute puppies!

Amanda: There should be a penalty for going into the water bowl.



Mona: Stop making out by the waterbowl, athletes!!



Amanda: Uh oh fight!!!!!!!!



Mona: FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!



Amanda: Fight on the 50 yard line!! Spill some filthy puppy blood!!!



Mona: OMG Michael Vick is there!



Amanda: “Slip sliding action” seems like a diarrhea reference. So does “pup to pup coverage.”



Mona:This ref is gonna feel real shitty after this gig is over and he has to do industrials and hair commercials the rest of his life.

Amanda: That orage fuzzy toy getting more action than me in 8th grade!



Mona: These puppies should be kicked off the field for excessive licking.



Amanda: Puppy Bowl is the only sport where it’s okay to “not quite know what to do with it.”



Mona: These squeak toys are getting in the way of the game. Ever notice how white curly haired dogs get shit stuck in their fur? And, might I add, their fur looks like pubic hair.



Amanda: AWWWWWWW!!!! I mean EEEEEEWWWWWWWW

Amanda: Those hamsters look like they got highlights and spray tans for the event.



Mona: They look like my grandpa’s toupes that we found in a box, cleaning out his condo.

Mona: WAIT, WOMEN CAN”T PLAY FOOTBALL!



Amanda: Kathy Ireland can!

Mona: Wow, that was a long first quarter.



Amanda: It’s ONLY THE FIRST QUARTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!????????????



Mona: Ah, a kit kat commercial. Time for a Kit Kat break! Remember the 90′s when KitKat Bars were around?



Amanda: Where are the bunny cheerleaders? Put them on the field with the puppies and maybe they’ll hop around. Oooo then throw in an alligator streaker and POW you got a show!!!!!!!



Mona: The ref enjoys a pleasurable moment alone in the locker room with a kit kat bar.

mmpuummphft

Amanda: OMG I WANT A KITKAT!!! I wish it was the 90′s so it was socially exceptable to eat one!



Amanda: Kick off the 2nd quarter! New puppies!! Thank God, I was sick of those shitty first quarter puppies.



Mona: The new puppy is named Coco, and he’s “a fullback, of hair?” Gross.



Amanda: A human would HATE to be called that.



Mona: Kicking this game into overdrive means a three way. PUPPY THREEWAY!



Amanda: They are now sensually smelling each other’s ears. They should switch the music to some soft jazz



Mona: That puppy just stepped on that other puppy’s ear. DECORUM!

The weird contrived set of tailgating.

Mona: These puppies all look like they stepped out of a shower and were towel-dried fluffy.



Amanda: Or they got stuck in the dryer.



Mona: I bet they smell like downy



Amanda: Do you think the hamsters get motion sickness in a blimp? Do you think hamsters can barf? I guess if they are spray tanned and highlighted they can barf.



Touchdown DUNCAN!!!!!!!!



Mona: (baby voice) Who are you barking at? Who you barking at? Victory?



Amanda: Man, Duncan is a true crowd pleaser, if you’re a puppy crowd. If you’re a human crowd you’d be like, “he’s cute, but since he’s a dog he can’t play football. But then again……….Airbud…..he proved me wrong everytime….every sport.



Mona: Yeah, Airbud really paved the way for this auspicious event.



Amanda: New puppy! Jake is a chug! Chihuahahua + pug.



Mona: New puppy, Garbonzo is actually Fava’s twin. They’re the Mannings of the puppy bowl. I wonder if any of these puppies are on ‘roids?



20 Minutes later…



Mona: These puppies were really nervous before the game. They took an ambien the night before. And tonight, they’re just going to party.

Amanda: awwwwwwwwww



Mona: Jake really is apeshit. He needs some doggie valum.

easy, champ.

Amanda: Any play can be paused for a good butt sniffing. Mmmmmm.

Butts!

Mona: Once my cat’s vet told me to put my cat on valum because she kept urinating on the couch. But that’s neither here nor there.



Amanda: You’re cat really did urinate EVERYWHERE!



Mona: This show makes me want to eat a dog meat taco so I can embody all of the cuteness going on.



Amanda: Mmmmmm Taco Bell.



KITTY HALFTIME SHOW!

Amanda: Presented by Bissel! Good call Bissel! You know the only reason people buy you!



Mona: I hope there will be a nipple slip.



Amanda: Why is there porno music playing over the displaying of the bissel vacuum?



KITTY THE WHO!!!!!!

Mona: There’s Pete. I can tell my his nose.

I’m so confused and scared.

Mona: God, they’re not even playing music. What kind of halftime show IS this?



Amanda: Kitty halftime show is a little less affective than puppy football because kitties are more shy.



Mona: Just like the real superbowl, the music is tragically outdated.



Amanda: I like the random cut to a cute kitten NOT PLAYING and looking really confused. Mona, your cat could learn something from this.

what the…?

Mona: Shut up. She’s got a Ph..d in adorability. And, she has no tail, so watching these cats would give her a complex.



Amanda: These cats all look SO guilty.



Mona: They are mortified. What is this halftime show doing to these kittens’ young brains? Answer: Malforming them!

Amanda: Yeah, PETA really should get on this.



Mona: Do they revisit the old stars of the puppy bowl? Like, later in life?



Amanda: No, because they all get adopted! or euthenized



Mona: Why can’t they put real mouse babies on the field and just see what happens?



Amanda: YEAH!!!!! Make the blimp crash!!!!!!!



Mona: Old single women everywhere are creaming their pants over this shit. It’s kitty porn with vaudevillian music playing over it.



Announcer says “And now for the grand finale!”

Amanda: The cats are like “what the hell is a grand finale!?!?! Oh it means they dump confetti on me, I should have known.”



Minutes later. Confetti is still pouring down on confused kitties.



Mona: This is a lot of construction paper, wasted.



Amanda: Thanks kitty half time show for tainting my potential cat against my star shaped strobe light and my confetti cannon. Aw, who am I kidding? I’d never “rescue” a cat, I’d only buy one from a top breeder. Then complain about how it sucks.



Mona: They’re gonna need a shit load of bissels to suck up all them kittens!

LIke this halftime casualty.

2nd Half!



Mona: The ref is getting some action this year, he is getting some tail!!!



Amanda: ZING! New puppy players!! The Boston Terrier is named Yums!



Mona: I love Yums. He’s named after my grandmother.



Both: AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW



Amanda: I love Yums.



Mona: Yums is so cute.



Amanda: I love him or her!



Mona: It’s a two man genital lick on the field! I smell un-puppylike conduct!

Amanda: When do they play “who let the dogs out?”



Mona: Can’t afford it cuz bissel a suck ass cheapskate



Amanda: Seriously, though. Those hamsters are BAD blimp pilots.



Mona: Puppies really are genderless until someone whips their dick out.



Amanda: I can’t wait for those hamsters to crash that Twizzlers blimp and Twizzlers will go everywhere!!!



Mona: Most blimps are most definitely filled with the product that they are advertising.



Amanda: Puppy MVP, does that mean that the Most Voted for Puppy costs more to “rescue”?



Mona: I think “AWWWWWWWWWWWWW” can sum this all up.



Amanda: I hope the MVP gets a ring.



Mona: Or, branded.



The blimp shows the “hamster’s eye view.”



Amanda: Hamsters eye view should be a lot more Richard Gere colon.



Mona: New puppy player, Dixon. He is like a sponge in dog form.



Amanda: “I am NOOO T a PuPpuY!!!” You know, like Nixon?!?!



Mona: Riiiiiight. Oh look! Yums is getting back in the game!



Amanda: Yums!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Mona: Go YUMS!!



Amanda: Give me a Y!!! where the hell them bunny hos at?

sniff.

Mona: Probably orgying it up in the locker room. Yums gets a leapfrog tackle. which means puppy bellies and jaws afly!



Amanda: All these puppies have not been fixed, therefore they are all impregnated…..by the ref.

Mona: Ugh, I think I made out with the ref my first week in LA.



Amanda: New puppies! Chamomile! Her nickname is old blue eyes. Weird, it seems like dogs regular names are more like nicknames, but what do I know!



Mona: More new puppies! Mason! He seems like a manic depressive.



Amanda: Tonka!



Both: AWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Amanda: Nutmeg! I love her!



Mona: Nutmeg has a warrant out for her arrest, just saying. God, I’m sick of the water bowl cam.



Amanda: Yums is getting kicked out for unnecessary rough-rough-roughness!!!!

NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! YUMS!!!!!!!!!! BOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Mona: I feel like Charles Manson is controling the outcome of the 3th quarter.



PUPPY FOUL! Illegal use of the paws.



Mona: Tigger’s all obsessive compulsive



Amanda: I’m legitimately surprised the Twizzlers blimp hasn’t crashed yet.



Mona: Chamomile is JUMPIN’ for another play, just like Cameron Diaz.



Amanda: Hydration Break? God, this is just like the Superbowl.



Mona: If I got a hydration break from my work I wouldn’t get so many UTI’s.



4th Quarter!



Amanda: That ref is on his 14th kit kat! I guess he better eat them while they are free.



Mona: Carson is using the “suck my puppy dick” tactic.

go for it.

Amanda: Two man tackle on Carson………………Daley? Gross.



Mona: Ugh, Chamomile is like a 70 year old lady. Bad breed. Yes, I blame the breed.

I would kill to be in the puppy bowl….

Amanda: Scraggley ass dogs not allowed to play but allowed to watch.



Mona: Exactly. If you’re pubey and look old and not cute, you’re off the field.



Amanda: I miss Yums.



Mona: Get out of the water bowl! The puppies are really terrible at drinking water.

Puppycam big brother is watching you.

Amanda: The pups are going to run out of steam and nap on the field. Adorable. But who takes the championship?



Mona: llegal napping on the field!?!?!



Amanda: I lost the puppy bowl 6 years ago.



Mona: They should interview you.



Amanda: Chamomile drops the ball



Mona: Surprise surprise. I told you she sucks!



Amanda: Fava got Subaru Drive of the day? That seems like a fake award.



Mona: No, Fava got a Subaru. That dog owns a Subaru now.



TWIZZLERS BLIMP!



Amanda: I’m not so sure the hamsters are “enjoying” the “action ” on the “field.”



Mona: Why don’t they have a water bottle cam?



Back to the puppies.



Amanda: These miraculous pups are giving it all that they got……………and that means they have no idea that they are competing in a competition!



Mona: Extra MALAUTE ON THE FIELD!!!!!!!



Amanda: omg Marmaduke!!!!!!!!



Mona: Some of these puppies look more like adolescent dogs. I demand a rematch.



Amanda: Yeah, a rematch of random whatevers! Aw, dogs sooooooooooooooo bored……….adopt already

adopt already!



Mona: “I’m tired toooooooooooooooo………..but I have to perform. Kim is watching me.” -A puppy



Amanda: How can you foul on that cuteness? Ask my husband………he does it practically every night.



Mona: Savannah! you came in at the last moment the clock is running out!!! The paper cut out crowd goes ………………….uh…………………..wild?



Amanda: What a score…….? Oh I see, the puppy carried one of the many toys into the “goal area” and therefore scored a point.



Mona: And with that the puppy bowl, is over.



Amanda: MVP award goes to Jake!



Mona: The jawawa pug!



Amanda: Awwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!

and his small, beating heart.

Mona: Yeah, but fame can be a bitch.

I will haunt your dreams.

Amanda: That “game” ended pretty abruptly.



Mona: The puppy bowl is in memory of someone?!



Amanda: Uh okay, I guess it’s done.



Mona: So unfulfilled, no awards or barked speeches?



Amanda: No Gatorade being dumped on sweaty puppies?



Mona: No puppy press swarming the winning team?



Amanda: Hmm….



Mona: Huh….



Amanda: I miss Yums!!!!!



Both: AWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!

Yums, for you: every day is puppybowl.

Thanks for watching!!!!