Ballad of the Boombalatty

Okay, I’d just like to say that in light of last week’s sneak peek of this week’s episode talking about Anastacia’s “weight issue” (oh god), I drew up a quick list before the show of the items I expected to see on this episode, after, you know, existing in the world and seeing any reality show ever. Here it is verbatim, created at 8:53 this evening:

* Belly shots
* C/U eating shots
* All other girls in confessionals “concerned” about her eating habits
* Anastacia “proud of her womanly curves” or some shit
* At least 1 judge comment on it, though they never ever have before
* Still won’t get kicked off because hey, she’s Anastacia

Let’s see how my predictions did, shall we?After the obligatory recap of last week, we find the ladies lounging around in the Pussy Castle and Melissa R. musing on the honor of being in the “final 6.” Since it started off as 9, I don’t see what the big deal is yet. You can brag at 3. No sooner. Thank you for your cooperation. Melissa S. worries about having been in the bottom two 2 weeks in a row, and I’m all, “Yeah, ‘cuz YOU SUCK.” Go home, see if Danity Kane will take you yet. Serious. Or hey, why don’t you be proactive and start your own lame-ass girl group? Comprise it of the shitty singers who never made it in any reality singing/dancing competition, call it the Sexy Failures. I volunteer to be your manager. Sigh.

So here Anastacia starts fretting about needing to work on her “physique” because all of the other girls are “liiiiiiittle! skinny minnies!” she sings optimistically. Nobody disagrees with her. We cut to Asia concurring about Anastacia’s calorie-engorging woes. BOOM! Prediction #3 comes true.

“I feel like eating!” Anastacia says, and leaves the romper room in favor of a cake-eating montage in the kitchen. Predicion #2! Just terrific! O. Snapp: 1, Reality Show Producers’ Originality: 0. Goose egg, bitches!

“Ughhh… did someone poison my kitty food?”

“I’m gonna go eat, and then I’m gonna do some cardio,” she says, and I wonder what the 14-hour days full of dancing counts as if not cardio. Because to me, walking up to my second-floor apartment is considered cardio. Let’s be serious here, honey. IT’S OKAY TO EAT CAKE.

Chelsea is intercut with this fabulous cake montage, which I believe to be composed of the same shot of Anastacia eating, just from different angles. Chelsea is saying how she totally sympathizes with Anastacia’s struggle, since she, too, used to have problems with food. I feel a heart-to-heart coming on…

After their Pussy Mail viewing, (and our weekly dose of Drag Queens #1-4) the Pussy Hopefuls meet Robin down in the dance studio, where she informs them that “if there’s one thing the Pussycat Dolls are, it’s sexy.” D. U. H. Thanks, Genius. I would go so far as to say that the Pussycat Dolls are nothing at all EXCEPT sexy. Anyway, this all somehow plays into the idea that the girls get to go for one day to Las Vegas to perform! ROAD TRIP!!! They get to perform “Tainted Love” at the Pussycat Lounge after getting dressed on the tour bus. What an honor! Winner gets immunity.

Anastacia begins worrying again about performing well this time. Where did all of her confidence go? She’s a star! Every single girl should be worried BUT her.

They all pack furiously fast and I wonder why, since they’ll only be gone for, like, 50 hours. “Oh my God, WHY did I eat so much yesterday?????” Anastacia moans, and my eyes cannot roll high or far back enough. It’s worse than this time I saw “Failure To Launch” on a plane. And believe me, my eyes really hurt after that.

On the bus, the girls practice the song together, which I barely recognize without those catchy “bee-deep-beep” synthesizer noises that actually make the song interesting. Nevertheless, they seem to have the words down, until Miss Mikey interrupts them with his own stellar version.

“Hey, let’s flash those truckers! Toot toot!”

He teaches them some choreography and insists that they practice NOW. Okay, I don’t know if it’s just me, but… dancing on a bus that’s racing down the freeway at 70+ miles per hour? It might sound granny of me, but this can’t be safe. Just as I’m writing this down, the bus jerks and all of the girls reel uncontrollably.

Classic pose, Mariela. Very creative.

“I am sorry, but WHO DOES THIS?” Melissa S. demands. “Somebody please tell me because, clearly, I didn’t get that memo.” No problem, Ms. S, I’ll be sure to speak to the new receptionist about that incident immediately.

At least they get fed on the bus. “Who wants turkey?” someone says. “I’ll have turkey!” Chelsea responds. “Double decker chocolate cake please!” calls Anastacia. And for anybody who could possibly miss Pissely’s unique presence in this group dynamic, have no fear: Asia is quickly taking over the place of whiny-ass crybaby. She groans about not liking the food presented to her. Well, I’m sorry your highness, but we’re fresh out of caviar.

“Fine. How about escargot?”

“I like burgers and fries. God, why is that so hard to get? I’m from frickin’ Yerk.” Frickin’ wha-? Isn’t she required by law to say New Yawk?

Well, I’m a picky eater too so she’s forgiven this time. But don’t give me any more shit, little miss thang, or I’ll come up with a REALLY nasty nickname for you and then you’ll get kicked off before I can make full use of it. Then you’ll be sorry.

Robin emerges from… somewhere on I-10 and gives the girls their wardrobe. Now, I’m all for high drama on TV shows and everything, but all I’m saying is, I’m pretty sure that the Pussycat Dolls do not have to get dressed and made up on a goddamn moving bus in the middle of the desert. I know and you know that they have at least dressing rooms, especially in their own Lounge in Vegas. Don’t give me this shit, Robin Antin. I will not eat that, or a burger from Yerk. Well, maybe if it had bacon on it.

So anyway, the girls are getting ready, and they all slip easily into their outfits. Except, of course, for Anastacia. Goddammit, why didn’t I put that on my list?! It was so obvious. Now come on, Ken Mok! Who is she supposed to be in this situation, Toccara? Don’t even tell me that the wardrobe people got every other girl’s size specs except Anastacia’s. She’s super-tall, and that means that you should have a thousand options for her because at least the other girls could swap if they needed to. I just don’t buy it. However, here is Prediction #1 coming true:

They arrive in Vegas and Robin introduces them to a crowd who, sadly, will not be seeing Nicole Sherzingslurrer tonight. After the intro, the crowd hesitantly applauds, a collective but polite “oh bummer.”

Anastacia begins, and her ass is totally hanging out. She turns around, and oh! there’s her cooter! Not that that’s any different than the others. But her discomfort shows and is reprimanded by Miss Mikey. Mariela does her famous high kick and I’m pretty sure she has it in the bag. What man in the audience did NOT come for that?

BAM!

And for God’s sake, Asia HAS GOT TO STOP doing that finger twitching thing.

While they wait for the results, the Hopefuls check out their Presidential Suite, or as I like to call it, The Litter Box: Las Vegas. After they freak out over the sauna and all that crap, Robin announces the winner to them. Everybody awaits her answer in golden-sparkled anticipation.

So who did the audience pick? Melissa S. Melissa S.?!! Are you people smoking crack?! Oh man, I begin to think that Anastacia might actually go home. That cannot happen! It would shake the very foundation of all my reality show beliefs!!

In keeping with this panic, the girls sit down to dinner and Anastacia gets another eating montage. That poor girl. There is absolutely nothing I hate more in this world than a hot girl hating how “fat” she is. This hot girl has yet to fulfill Prediction #4, about loving her curves because she’s a woman. And that’s the most important one! Please Anastacia, yes you’re bigger than the other girls, but it’s because you’re about 3 feet taller than them! You’re an Amazon, accept it! Love it! Live it! Now pop out those boobs, swing your hair around and get back to work!

“Okay, just… right after these BBQ Ribs.”

Meanwhile, Asia’s being a bitch again. Pissely who?

DOES SHE EVER CLOSE HER DAMN MOUTH?

But that’s boring and she’s a moron so let’s move on. The next day, Queen Robin announces that for their next performances, they’ll be singing duets. Not only duets, but ballad duets. Juicy! I guess their singing skills will actually matter this week. That means no ass-shaking; hope you got your fill during that dreadful “Tainted Love” cover. Interestingly enough, the strongest singers are each paired with the weakest. Ergo, for whichever team does the worst, it will be totally obvious who’s going home. For example, if shining star Melissa S. (gag) goes home, Anastacia’s out. Gasp!

After the break, the Pussy Hopefuls head home and take their frustrations out on one another with a friendly wrestling match, or, as my dad calls it, wrasslin’. Really, PCDs? Why don’t we just bring in a truckload of mud and some bikinis and call it a day, hmm? Asia gets a little too into it, and frankly, I’m not surprised. As we all know, she’s from Yerk. And those bitches know how to FIGHT.

“Kids… don’t make me get off this sofa. Pipe down in there.”

“REPRESENTIN’ YERK, Y’ALL!”

Queen Robin rewards the girls with her best idea ever: a vocal coach to deal with their tired throats. Hmm. Tired throats. That one is too easy, and I’ll never settle on just one joke, so I’m not even gonna try. Let’s just keep going.

No, wait. I AM going to make a joke, dammit! But I was right, I can’t choose just one, so I’ll give you a few.
1) and the coach is… that hooker from down the street! or,
2) they practice soothing their throats on a peeled banana. or,
3) wow, I didn’t know they made a Ricola for that.

I feel better. Carpe jokiem, that’s what I say! Okay, NOW it’s suitable to move ahead. Asia’s the first one up, and she thinks she’s all hot shit, giving it some “soul” (read: too much melisma). But this chick Valerie, I just love her immediately. She tells Asia everything she needs to hear, such as: “I didn’t even recognize the song,” “so much vocal gymnastics,” “I call that ‘fake singing,’ a cop-out sound,” “carbon-copy,” “stop all the theatrics!” Oh. My. God. This woman is a saint. Where has she been during every fucking season of “American Idol?” I demand to know!

Owned.

Of course this crushes Asia, and she admits to telling herself, “Asia, just be mature and walk away.” Did they teach you that in Anger Management, li’l wrassler? Yeah, you could do that. OR, you could be mature and actually take the professional vocal coach’s advice so that Ron Fair doesn’t tear you a new one tomorrow. Pick or choose, missy. Pick or choose.

They have another Family Meeting and Asia starts crying (shocker!) about missing her baby and stuff, and like, being tired, like, not in her body or in her dancing or singing, but like, tired. I believe the word you’re looking for is “emotionally.” That’s okay. Let it out Baby Mama Drama.

By the way, who does this with their girlfriends? Anyone?

As Chelsea and Amaztacia meet with Valerie, I begin to fully accept the fact that singing is the LEAST important part of this competition. Chelsea’s voice is starting to go, which worries Mariela because they are, in fact, a duet. Don’t worry, Mariela. She could croak her way through the song like a cute little toad and still be adored by the judges.

Valerie tells Amaztacia that she’s “all throat.” Ahem. Like we didn’t know THAT. I am PRAYING that my girl doesn’t go home tonight, but you sneaky editors are really making it look that way right now. She says she feels really out of her element and needs her friends. More eating shots. So she finally calls some girlfriends, cries it out, starts running on the treadmill, and we hear some triumphant music and never see her eating again, by the way. My hope for this Pussy is finally restored. Until the judging, that is.

During the break, a “7th Heaven” commercial shows that the little girl is getting engaged? What? Wasn’t that canceled 4 years ago? And more importantly, is anyone recapping this show?

At the Pussy Lounge, the girls suit up and get to the stage, Chelsea drinking tea until the last minute. Please, God, all I want out of this show is for her and Amaztacia to make it to the top of this competition. I mean seriously, guys, how many of you really want to see the top 3 be Asia, Melissa S. and Mariela? All they’ve got between them is a twitchy mic hand, a weak pout, and a superhigh kick.

After meaningless judge intros, the first duet performs “I Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing” by Aerosmith. Awesome song choice, guys. WTF? Melissa R. comes on and I scream “NO MORE LEOPARD PRINT!” to my sad little television. I’m sorry, TV. It’s not really your fault. You’re hurt by it just as much as I am, I know.

Well, it’s either this or the fuckin’ boas.

To make things even better, she actually stops singing during the final refrain because she’s crying. CRYING. Was she thinking of the video, where Liv Tyler puts her hand up to the giant plasma screen of Steven Tyler singing, I wonder? Because that always gets me a little misty. All those big lips. Nope, she was just thinking of her grandma. One, two, three: “Awwwwww.” Shut up. At least that’s what Ron and Li’l Kim say. They tell her to channel it into a singing voice that will actually move people. Li’l Kim should know, she had to perform LITERALLY two weeks after Biggie died.

Chunkies unite!

Oh, and also? Asia most definitely did not take Valerie’s advice, and is taught a lesson by mean Mr. Fair, who comes up with this gem: “One thing that bothers me is her finger on the microphone, which WOULD encourage her singing with extra vibrato, because her hand is vibrating.” I didn’t even tell him to say that!

Mariela & Chelsea are next, singing that Christina Aguilera song, no not that one, the other one. Where are your high kicks now, Mariela? Oh Christ, she sounds just like the time I went to karaoke for a company Christmas party. Except I had the good sense to sing a fucking Led Zeppelin song and make sure everyone listening to me was drunk before I picked up that mic. Mariela, I wish you could have had that luxury, because you were absolutely painful to listen to. And watch. Actually, without the benefit of a pole to rub up against, all of the girls look extremely awkward in these performances. Chelsea’s voice doesn’t go out, and in fact, she totally kicks Mariela’s round, perfect ass in this performance.

“I just lost, didn’t I?”

For some reason, Robin is so positive in all of her reviews of these terrible renditions. Luckily, Ron Fair is around to keep it real. Robin is like Twiggy to his Nigel Barker. Except that he’s about a thousand times less hot. And less creepy in dealing with girls. So I guess she’s more like Twiggy to his Janice Dickinson.

During Amaztacia and Melissa S.’s performance, singing “Unbreak My Heart,” our heroine unfortunately just whispers through most of it. Melissa too, though. However, this is just an unfair song to give them. I mean, does Nicole Sherzingskanky’s voice go that low in any of the PCD songs? Does any female’s voice go as low as Toni Braxton’s? I don’t think so. What I wanna know is, when are they gonna do “Wait (The Whisper Song)”? Now that would be some serious entertainment. Just think of the props they could come up with. Oh, the dances they could do! It’s sad that this dream will probably never be realized.

As the ladies wait in the dressing room, Mariela admits that Chelsea is the better singer, but, she says, “I can dance. And dancing is not something you can fake.” Well, singing isn’t something you can fake either. Unless you have a great sound mixer. And you lip-synch at concerts. Oh dammit. Mariela: 1. O. Snapp: 0. Goose egg.

Back at the judging panel, Melissa R. is loved by all. Ron hates Asia and her twitchy hand. Melissa S. doesn’t matter because she can’t be eliminated. Amaztacia is improving vocally, but Robin notes that she’s gained some weight. Oh, what’s that you say? Prediction #5 coming true? Oh lovely! However, she notes it only in the context of the fact that Amaztacia looks uncomfortable onstage. I’m happy that they don’t tear her apart (or call her a side of beef, like Mr. Jay would).

Mariela is the best dancer. Chelsea is the best singer. Oh Lord, please tell me Asia’s going home.

The girls come back in and Asia’s group is safe. Blast! Melissa S. & Amaztacia are good too. YESSSSSS! Oh! That means that Prediction #6 has been fulfilled. Ah, satisfaction.

So it’s down to Mariela and Chelsea. “You are so beautiful,” Robin tells Mariela. Yeah, except for those zombie eyes. Oh, this one is going to be so easy. Mariela is so outta there. For her exit, she gets Latin-flavored goodbye music and Robin cries a little bit. What the hell? Are all of these girls on their periods together?

Well, it’s true, Mariela IS a great dancer. But her vocal stylings this evening were beyond pitiful. I will miss her booty shakes and ceiling kicks… but damn, I love being right. 5 out of 6 Reality Show Predictions came true, and though the most dignifying one was the only one missing, I’ll take it all for what it’s worth.

For this episode, I couldn’t decide which got more screen time: cooters or tears. So here they both are, for your screengrabbing pleasure:

Tears win… this time.