Rachel Zoe: Just A Little Girl From Short Hills

We start the episode where we left off last week, in NY. Don’t get too comfortable because Brad’s already packing to head to Milan since they still don’t have any real options for Demi or Cameron for the Oscars and the awards are only 9 days away. Seriously? You have to be kidding. That’s ridiculous. What the hell have you been doing? As a random sidenote…Brad is incredibly efficient and organized when it comes to packing. And he packs far more pairs of shoes than any man I know.

He calls up Jordan to ask how things are and how many gowns are in the studio for the Oscars. She says “Um…uh..like four?” (This is why I didn’t bother giving you a name Ms. Articulate.) Brad is properly shocked (not in a good way) and says Rachel’s going to have a s*** fit. What does that mean? I know it rhymes…but I’ve never heard that particular phrase before. (Urban dictionary seems to agree with Brad that this phrase exists. Of course, the first entry also seems to think spasticness is a word. And that it’s spelled “spazticness”. Geniuses. We’re raising a generation of geniuses.) Brad then asks about shoes and accessories to which she replies they’re going to start pulling items but it’s a bit difficult given that they don’t know what they’ll have to match it to.

I call shenanigans. 1) I seem to remember a studio full of shoes and bags and accessories. 2) Why not just pull a bunch of metallic options? Half the time you can’t see their shoes anyway and when you can they’re usually metallics which is a safe choice because it both elongates the leg and goes with everything without being matchy-matchy. Unless your dress is gold or silver.

Go on. Guess what her shoes look like.

Dianna Agron is a good a transition as any. After Brad hangs up, we move to a scene where Rachel’s sitting at the head of a table with her minions husband and important members of her team who have vital jobs. Rachel interviews the explanation that because she wanted to use white, she’s been pulling white dresses and the fact that she can’t use white means that half her options are gone. Aha! But that still means you have half your options. I could do the math but essentially since I’m assuming she had more than 8 dresses (with the white dresses included) for the TWO women to choose from, she has more than 4 options now. Regardless…Brad says that Jordan and Ashley have a lot going on with Demi and Cameron coming in for Oscar fittings on Tuesdays. Gee, thanks. You realize THE AUDIENCE doesn’t know what day it is. Evidently, this puts pressure on them. Brad then reveals that the a one-of-a-kind gold gown that Rachel found in LA is on hold for someone else. She interviews that “It’s not cool. But it happens…every year.” She’s still taking it pretty well. Remember this later.

A moon drifts over the screen (Editors, you need to work on the transitions.) and suddenly we’re in Milan. I immediately see pigeons rats with wings and churches. Yay! Just like Venice. And Florence. And…nevermind. Brad calls from Milan to confirm that the gold Oscar de la Renta that Rachel wanted for Cameron will be shipped to their office in LA. He leaves a message.

Brad then calls Marisa (Really, I can’t be responsible for all of these names.)to discuss how Rachel is jetsetting off to London to meet Kate Hudson for a Burberry fashion show. That would have been fine as a transition but no…we get double decker buses, a British flag, and what I assume are recognizable places. (Gee, thanks again, editors.) Rachel wants to talk to Rodger about how “it’s kind of amazing” that they took a full detour to London. He agrees but all he really cares about right now is eating his blueberry waffles which he drenches with maple syrup. Rachel says she’s starving and then watches Rodger eat his waffles. With poorly disguised interest.

No one’s saying you can’t eat waffles too, honey.

Rachel interviews that Kate called her and so she came over to “help her get ready, go with her, and just have some great fashion fun with her”. She says she’s so jetlagged that “I feel like my body’s sleeping but my eyes are open so I won’t remember anything that happens.” (i.e. how college students feel at least 88% of the time during 8am lectures) Rodger tells her to take a nap but Rachel does not like this suggestion. “Take a nap? Kate’s going to be here in 45 minutes.” Aw, cute. She just reminded me of a girl I babysat.

Rachel interviews that Kate’s been a client for many years. She says she has incredible style and they love playing dress up together. (Translation: She will wear all the crazy nonsense I put her in whether or not it shows off her lack of a chest or oddly modifies her proportions. Oh, I remember some of those dresses.) Rachel says this is a “surreal moment in my career and in my life because I’m a girl from Short Hills, NJ and Kate is Hollywood royalty”.

In case you were wondering, back in LA, Jordan and Ashley are on the phone with Brad. Really, do these people do anything except call each other?

LONDON: When Kate Hudson arrives she and Rachel are very cute together. She seems more like her sister than Sister Pam. Rach says she never misses a Kate Hudson movie. If that’s true, that’s friendship. Alex & Emma? The Skeleton Key? You, Me and Dupree? Fool’s Gold? Bride Wars? Even Bride Wars? Lord love her but that girl does not have a good track record. Rachel tells her she looks great but that she should wear Burberry to the show. I don’t know if that’s skillful handling or she actually means that because Rachel has questionable taste when it comes to coats. She says “Kate and I fell in love over our obsession with fashion and all things beautiful.” Beautifulis the monstronsity that Kate reveals she bought her for $35. (Not that I have a problem with affordable fashion… but there are some things you don’t pick out of the bargain bin. It could have lice.) She looks like a big, fluffy Sesame Street puppet has eaten her torso. I forgive her though because it’s London and raining and it’s probably cold.

That is…What in the hell is that?

Burberry Fashion Show. Claire Danes (Grow freakishly long eyelashes in what is surely a safe way that also happens to possibly darken your eyes/eyelids) and Anna Wintour (who apparently radiates darkness from the picture above) are shown first. Rachel meets Kate at the show. They decided to dress her in a “Burberry, green, sequined mini dress and a oversized military coat with a shearling collar.”

Oh, to pose every so adorably in a miniskirt in the freezing rain while your professional umbrella holder hovers beside you.

As to the actual fashion show? Ew. I hate the Burberry clothes. Rachel interviews that “Burberry is the most iconic English brand”. OK, I might officially hate English fashion. Anglomania exhibit at The Met+Hideous Burberry Show = 90% convinced Me. Sorry! There are some cute trenches but it’s mostly weirdness and fur and completely impractical hideousness in garish or sickly colors. And lots of military looks. Designed by Christopher Bailey.

Cute. Vampire detective with attitude.

Fail. Possessed model in a faux Elizabeth ruff and cheap looking shirtdress? skirt?

Cute. Military inspired but in a playful color.

Fail. Pantless. A shapeless coat that is far too big for her. Angry, unfinished-looking boots. Marvelous, they’ve designed a high-class call girl walk of shame outfit.

Fail. The bad fit and odd zipper placement would not fly on PR.

Abused when she refused to wear the dung-colored skirt and sad boots that together shorten her frame, they had to bandage her top to hide the bruises.

Why? They scare me, too, but I don’t want to make them look fat.

Rachel and Kate  of course loved the show. They chat in the car about turtlenecks on men. Rachel loves them. Kate’s not really into it. She thinks you need to be a certain type of guy to get away with a turtleneck. She says it’s “way too metro for me”. Rach returns, “Well, you know me. I’m just a big, old fag hag at the end of the day.” Oh, honey, you’re not old. You just look it.

Rachel mentions loving seeing all the fashions and then hearing Stevie Nicks start playing. This prompts Kate to sing Silver Springs by Fleetwood Mac (Of all the Fleetwood Mac songs…I had to go look that one up). She sounds like she has a decent voice (the video is up on the Bravo site for however long) but you should hear her really belt it out in Cinema Italiano from Nine. Now that’s a surprisingly great performance. Rachel loves it and says “If I weren’t tone deaf I would just sing that all day.” Kate tells her she should but Rachel says “Dude, it’s just rude to everyone around me.” LOL. Kate disagrees. She tells Rachel that so many people in her life have told her to stop singing. “I hear from my son every day…Mom…Stop singing. I’ve been banned.”

They share another cute moment when Rachel tells her “Roger says your such a good influence on me.” and Kate replies “I love that. You have to live spontaneously more often and not get so crazy about all your…things.” Rachel says she’s been working on relaxing and finding a balance between work and a personal life but she’s a “psychotic, mental patient perfectionist. I am who I am. That’s it. That’s it, bitch. I am who I am”. This sends Kate into a peal of laughter as she claims she’s going to make a T-shirt. One that I would so buy…

Rachel and Kate come back to find Rodger in his bathrobe.  *shudders* Rachel teases that he looks like he’s in a hospital. I don’t know what that means. Let me make the jokes, sweetheart. You just look pretty and stay neurotic, k?  Kate opens up a magazine to a picture of a beach in Brazil and holds up a Diane von Furstenberg to make the idea of taking a vacation “more palpable” to Rach. Rodger interviews that “I don’t know if Rachel’s personality so much changes as it just comes out more around Kate. She makes it easy. She makes it fun.” Yay, fun Rachel! Rodgers says he’ll go if she wears a bikini. We learn that Rachel will not wear a bikini. Ever. She doesn’t go in the water so I suppose it doesn’t really matter what kind of swimwear she refuses to don. She jokingly refers to herself as “frigid”. Rachel recognizes that she’ll never be as laid back as Kate but she needs to let go a little bit.

Rachel brings up Kate’s son Ryder and how Rodger hasn’t seen him in a while and how adorable he is. No, it’s a trap! Suddenly we’re in another conversation about how Rachel should have a baby. Rodger and Kate gang up on her. Seriously, guys, is this the theme of the show now?

And we’re back in Milan. Rachel interviews that Milan is up there with Paris in terms of setting trends for the rest of the world and it’s all about sexiness mingled with luxury. Brad meets Rachel in “L’Armadio di Laura” vintage store. They purposely show the sign so I mention it. Brad looks super cute in a black turtlenck and black suit jacket. Very Italian chic. Rachel comments in her interview saying “I think it’s sexy. “Is it wrong to call Brad sexy?” Yes, cougar lady. No. No, not really. By the way, is this some insane person’s idea of continuity with the conversation with Kate before?

Brad finds it amusing that Rachel seems to have gotten a case of Oscars amnesia. He says though that “cute clothes distract Rachel. It always works.” Does that mean that when there’s a catastrophe you can just throw a Chanel coat at her and she’ll relax? Then why don’t you do that more often???

Rachel? Meet pocket. Hideous coat but how cute is she? Adorable.

Rachel and Brad continue to play dress up with hideous coats. Then Brad says a hilarious set of sentences that I’m just going to transcribe. “What’s this? Is this a men’s poncho? Or is this lady land? Is this a lady cape? I don’t think it is.” They proceed to try on more ill-fitting poorly proportioned (for their respective body types) coats and pronounce them all gorgeous. I’m getting the feeling these are people who just shop to shop.

Alberta Ferretti show. Now, it’s time to resume the search for Oscar dresses. Rachel’s on the lookout for something Cameron can have a “princess moment” in and something not-black for Demi. Stop making up an agenda. Just find some dresses. This year Paris Fashion Week clashes with Oscar week so it’s vital that Rachel find the dresses here in Milan since she can’t go there. For the most part, I love the show. The soft, romantic, vaguely historical feel of it is right up my alley. I’m getting lovely 1930′s, 1940′s glam vibes.

Simple. Classy. Would have worked better with a metallic heel.

The dusky rose color ages the poor pale girl but the style is still lovely and moves beautifully.

Again, not quite right for a girl this pale but I love the dress.

“A Nude blushy tone is one of the most romantic, ethereal ways to dress up” -Rachel.

Ooo. Love. Aside from the weird darker bandages. And the fact that she looks so fragile that I’m afraid she might crumple at any moment like the scene at the end of Death Becomes Her.

I can’t help thinking of one of J-Mo’s descriptions from and old Top Design recap. “The Little Gray Mushroom Who Got Left All Alone In The Window And Wanted To Die But Was Too Sad”. The model’s expression is not helping. What happened to smizing? This doesn’t even qualify as angsty Twilight staring? Who destroyed your soul before shoving your in that itchy-looking dress?

Cute. I’m getting a “Little Mermaid stranded on the beach/Her dress is trying to hang itself” vibe.

Opposite of “making it work”. Let’s make a simple dress unflattering by putting the bands in the worst possible places.

Definitely a vintage look. That should have stayed in the past.

And we owe it all to…

Postmenopausal Tinkerbell.

Rachel goes backstage to say hi and hug Alberta and say “That was so beautiful. One of my favorite collections. I love. Ciao. Ciao. Ciao. Bellisima.” while kissing her cheeks and then her hands. This conversation confuses me because they both seem rushed and it’s half Italian and half English. I think Alberta asked if she liked it and that’s when Rachel said it was beautiful. Then Alberta asked something about “in LA”. Rachel answered “Yes. Please. Bye, sweetie.” So I think she was asking if Rachel lives in L.A. and Rachel invited her to visit? I don’t know…

Missoni. Rachel (with Rodger and Brad in tow) heads over to the Missoni showroom. She’s greeted with a hug from Margherita Missoni who is wearing a hideous grandma/cat-lady outfit.

She shows them an ugly bag made with chicken legs. And Rachel makes the face that I adore.

Because a girl from Short Hills can still recognize a stupid idea when she hears one, no matter how long she’s been drinking the fashion cool-aid.

Some hideous coats are tried on. Because everyone wants to be consumed by their cats when they die alone in their one-bedroom apartment. Angela Missoni comes out to say hi and do the double kiss and appear before the cameras. They discuss the start of the brand and Rodger goes off into his own little world. He sees all the pictures of grandparents and family on the walls of Missoni and he interviews that maybe he and Rachel could be on to the same thing. They could be starting a fashion house, the ”House of Zoe”. He says “wouldn’t it be so wonderful if one day our children and grandchildren could be a part of it and it just sort of gave me a feeling of gratification and purpose”. Oh, so many comments. 1) Nice that you’re not even going to try and get your name in there. 2) Aren’t you a businessman? So we’re set that any future children aren’t going to go that route. 3) You kind of need to have kids before any of this can happen. You get that, right? Rachel orders a bunch of items from Missoni. She talks with Rodger about how nice the items were in the shop, he brings up his dreams and she shuts down. She interviews that “it’s not the time or the place”.

In the we’re back, no we’re not segment…Rachel fails to pronounce the name of a big shopping street (which is the only one she knows) and Brad and she thinks it’s hilarious. Ha. Ha ha.

Versace. Rachel goes to visit Donatella Versace, “one of the strongest forces in fashion”. Brad says she’s a goddess. Goddess of what? I’m sorry. Something about her face bothers me. She has lovely hair and a great figure, but oh, that face. I can’t look directly at it for too long.

Something. Is. Not. Right. Here.

She seems nice, though. She greets Rachel with “I thought who is this young girl, 12 years old?” (Thank you, subtitles.) She amends her statement to say, not 12 but 20. Rachel makes the introductions. Donatella knows Rodger, but not Brad who’s just a starstruck smalltown boy from Canada. He says she’s a gay icon and that she’s like the Madonna of fashion. I thought Madonna was the Madonna of fashion. Unless he means the Virgin Mary. Nope, that doesn’t make any sense.

Rachel ask Donatella “when are you going to come to L.A. next?” She says she wishes she could come for the Oscars but she can’t this time.

Rachel: “We miss you there.”

Donatella: “I miss you, too.”

Rachel: “You have to. I’ll do a big dinner for you if you come.” (Rachel can’t possibly cook, can she? She’d order catering. I’ve never even seen her eat. How can you cook if you don’t taste the food?)

Donatella: “I’ll be so happy.”

Rachel: “Please, please, please, please. What’s that?”

Rachel’s attention is caught by a red fur vest which Donatella lets her try on.

Why? Why with the colored fur?

They joke a bit more but they’re busy prepping so Rachel skidaddles over to the Versace show. It’s very chic and streamlined. True, there are a few missteps but I like a lot of more it than I usually do in stores.

Very “kickass foreign spy”.

I had a blue Furby once. It wouldn’t shut up. Apparently this is how they’re recycled.

Love the model. Awesome, intense stare. Actual curves.

Do not understand the dress. I’m trying, but I don’t. It’s half patent leather go-go dancer and half flapper fringe.

Hacker/Spy/Thieves are too busy for things like bras. Or repairing their pants with anything but duct tape.

In a weird way…I love it. EVIL FISH DRESS.

Project Runway Reject

A dress should make a statement. The future will be as slutty as the present?

Just look. Do I really need to say the obvious?

GORGEOUS coat. SUPER slutty.

Rachel needs to attend a Bulgari party but what to wear? She debates between a crazy high platform heel and a sexy, skin-tight, laced up high heel boot. Rodger gives his input in his interview which is “I’m a big fan of Rachel dressing more provocatively. That’s just her husband speaking.” Out loud he says “Rachel? If you wear those boots we’re canceling all evening activities”.

The gays are not amused.

Brad: *laugh* This is a private conversation.

Joey: Can you guys not have your sexy flirting time…

Rachel: I’m not! He is!

Rodger: I never get to talk to her alone so what do you want from my life? You guys are always here. So…sorry.

Brad: Well. Rodger, of course you’re never alone…cause Rachel needs to talk to me about dresses. She needs to talk to Joey about hair and makeup, and Marisa (who the hell is Marisa?) about products.

Rodger: Honey?

Joey: No sexy time.

Brad: We barely have time to change outfits.

Brad interviews that he “feels bad for Rodger because he never ever gets to see Rachel without her gaggle of gays around her, and that’s got to get annoying, but I’m sorry, the Oscars are coming up and we’ve got a lot of work to do. So, suck it up, lady”. LOL. I love Brad when his clever remarks make sense.

Rachel interviews that the party is important for her because she uses a lot of Bulgari jewelry for all her clients at all times during the year. No jewelry, lots of handbags.

Julianne Moore is there and shows off a bracelet.

Rachel interviews that she’s probably one of the most beautiful, elegant, and talented actresses of our time. My mom comments that Rachel never says anything bad about anyone.

Angel? Palaverer?

Rachel calls into LA and gets Jordan on the phone. The gold Oscar de la Renta gown that she wants for Cameron is in the studio.

In case you forgot.

She then asks about the gold Marchesa which is not in the studio. Rachel interviews that she was “completely obsessed with the dress and promised that it would be sent to her studio immediately after the show”.

In case you forgot.

Dramatic Irony! Dun dun dun… Rachel breaks the bad news to Brad when he calls that the Marchesa dress is with someone else. If you watched the Oscars last year, it’s pretty obvious who.

Brad: Why are we getting fucked so hard this year?

Rachel: Because we do every year.

I can’t help thinking…different context…

Rachel is incredibly upset because she’s just lost 3 of her favorite dresses from NY fashion week.  But what about the gold one? Irrelevant! She says that she thought she had first shot at the dresses but now they’re with other people. Rodger says that “it’s business and you don’t have to do business with them. Simple as that.” She wants the best dress for her clients. Rodger says it’s all subjective and there’s no such thing as the best. Rachel says she knows when she looks at a dress if it’ll fit, if it’ll work for the client and be the best dress for them. Rodger says she should just cut ties because it happens every year and then Rachel gets upset every year when it happens. He says “Fuck ‘em. Teach ‘em a lesson. Seriously, Rach.” Rachel tries to explain that “Rodger is a businessman. He doesn’t seem to understand that in the creative world of fashion you don’t tell people to fuck off.” Grr. No lovey-dovey-ness this episode. They fight for a minute or two longer but it’s pointless to recap. Unless you like hearing married people argue. In which case, “Freak! What’s wrong with you?”

And…previews for next week! Johnny Weir in high heels. More married couple arguing. Join me? I promise more clothes. I’ve been stockpiling extras from all the fashion shows. Later, darlings!