Rachel Zoe Project: I’m Having a White Moment

The show opens with what I think is Go Getta by Stella Mwangi which is an awesome song…but we don’t get to hear it so I just thought I’d mention it. Topic 1 on the agenda of this week’s episode is the need for Oscar dresses. Rachel explains that while designers show off tons of outfits every fashion week there aren’t enough Oscar quality dresses and there is a lot of competition for those few dresses that are magnificent. Rachel sets her own agenda. She wants white dresses for Cameron Diaz and Demi Moore so they can have a “white moment”. Does that involve subjugating other nationalities because of perceived superiority and callous indifference? No? Oh, it just means wearing white? OK, then.

Topic 2 on the agenda. Rachel and Husband Rodger have an upcoming anniversary! Sadly, there’s no time to celebrate. They had a winter wedding (The way Rachel says that lots of other couples have summer wedding while we had a winter wedding makes it seem like one of those long buried arguments married people bring up when they mean to say “this is your fault”) and so they have to celebrate their anniversary during Fashion Week. It can’t be helped. As Rachel puts it, “This is my job”.

We start Day 1 of our Fall 2010 Fashion Week coverage at an Oscar de la Renta show. *excited clapping* Rachel is there with Rodger and Brad in tow. There’s nothing to really film backstage aside from models getting their hair done. Oscar is there and Rachel morphs into a 16-year-old girl, VERY flirty and girlish. He tells her “I looked back to be able to see forward” (translation: There are only so many ways you can manipulate cloth and wrap it around a dress form so I stole from the past). She twirls her hair and giggles.

The gowns are gorgeous. There are some mediocre numbers but I am generally pleased.

What is with the obsession with punky/angsty porcelain doll little girls?

Pretty von Furstenberg-esque maxi dress. Scary, zombiefied model.

Something a little more tailored and structured.

Very “Undead Housewives Charity Brunch”.

Homeless girls need evening gowns, too.

I can’t help thinking of the feather duster in Beauty & the Beast.

Qui? You want that I should sweep the floor with my dress, monsieur?

Rachel’s attention is caught by a gold dress. She thinks that maybe it’ll be good for Cameron Diaz. She says some other nonsense but all I catch is that it’s a princess dress and it’s been a while since Cameron has had a “princess moment”.

Have we forgotten “Shrek Forever After” so soon?

There’s a bit about NY Traffic that’s just about as exciting as you would think watching someone sitting in traffic would be. Yup. Just a few notches more boring that sitting in traffic yourself. This is entertainment, people.

Day 1 Fashion Week continued: Because of all the terrible traffic they’re late to the Michael Kors Fashion Show but whatever…he’s a hack and makes hideous or very simple clothes. Rachel explains that being late is a big deal because if you’re given a front row seat (which I assume she was) and you don’t show up it’s very obvious that there’s an empty seat and people notice. This then upsets the relationship you have with the PR directors who notice the empty seats up front and take this as a snub and it’s those PR directors who are the ones you have to call later to get dresses.

Day 2 Fashion Week: I assume it’s morning because Rachel answers the door in her bathrobe. Brian Atwood has come calling.

They talk for a bit about designing a special Rachel Zoe shoe. I have a healthy amount of respect for people who can design a great variety of shoes since in my mind there can’t be more than 10 or 20 basic variations. This session does nothing to make the task seem tremendously difficult as he just sketches a simple half-boot with a high heel and scribbles a zipper down the back.

Some shoes he’s designed.

Rodger goes with Sister Pamela (I know that makes her sound like a nun) to a lingerie store. Since they’ll be celebrating their anniversary soon, Rodger wants to get Rachel lingerie as a gift. #1 Why are you buying a gift a few days before your anniversary? If you knew you were going to buy lingerie it’s not as if you’d have to worry about her gaining weight. #2 How is lingerie a gift for the woman? That’s a gift for you. The store looks like it stocks  high-end lingerie before they pull out all the naughty items…lubricant, vibrators, french maid outfits. What kind of high-end store is this? Rachel would not approve… And why did you bring your sister-in-law?

In his interview, Rodger says “When you’re younger you don’t really understand what it means to be in love. I think I’m more in love with Rachel now.” Awww.

Brad sent alone to the Derek Lam show since Rachel is tied up in meetings all morning. Wow, these clothes are hideous.

Meryl Streep as Miranda Priestly would tear her apart.

Sexy Cowgirl Secretary? This is a really simple look without the hat.

Any ghost from one of the movies where it never stops raining…

Brad says “As soon as the white gown came down the runway I knew it was the perfect dress for Cameron Diaz”. So the white moment is about funeral shrouds? Brad calls Rachel to tell her he’s found a dress. He says “It’s so modern but so elegant…comfortable but chic”. She says “You know I think it’s really sexy when you say blouses”. Calm down there, Rach.

OK, new topic. Obviously we’ve been stuck on the same one for too long. QVC is staging a show. Rachel is designer. Rachel’s fashion show is all about “accessible glamour” and “being able to work these garments into everyday life”. Translation: I want to make clothes for the kind of women who shop on QVC. The clothes can’t be so couture that when they wear them to the Walmart they’re burned as witches, or heathens, or pagans. Do they still burn pagans? We only see a shiny trench coat. It’s simple and aside from the cheap, shiny fabric it isn’t too hideous.

Day 3 of Fashion Week: Unfortunately fashion shows don’t stop for our anniversary. -Rachel

Rachel and Rodger watch a video from their younger days. We see Rachel when she was young (though can you believe wikipedia says she’s 38???). She has brown hair and really harsh makeup and dark lipstick. She comments on how much she has grown and how she didn’t know where her life was going at that point and cute things about her and Rodger but I can’t type that fast so all I got was “I’m a brunette with no wrinkles” and “Ooo, that was some bad hair and makeup”.

“I love you.” -Rachel “I love you more”-Rodger The two exchange gifts. Rachel got him a gift and then got herself a gift for him to give to her. I find that hilarious. There’s a bit where they debate over who should open the package which ends up containing…rose-gold handcuffs. OK, first off, now we know who buys those kinds of things. Secondly, happy anniversary! Tres romantique.

Now it’s time to reveal what Rodger bought for her at the lingerie shop.

Rodger: “Honey I got you something”.

Rachel: “I’m not wearing it. Not wearing it. Not wearing it.

He explains that he knows she’s been saying she needs a black camisole so he got her one. Aw, he listens. She finally takes a look inside the box and says “That’s beautiful. I will wear it”. Yay! She then riffles further and finds really skimpy black lace panties which she hides back in the box because “it’s embarrassing”. Obviously she has forgotten that people are filming this gift exchange to show on national television. God, Rodger!

He tells her to hold on because he got her something else. I am jarred from typing this all up when I hear “No way! Shut up!” I turn and there’s a Barbie designed to look like Rachel. You know, just taller and with fewer wrinkles and better hair. Whatever. She loves Barbies and she adores the doll. It even has a little chanel jacket and her sunglasses. I can’t help it. I think it’s adorable that he knows what makes her happy and is still trying after all the years they’ve been married to come up with something special.

Rachel: “He never ever disappoints me…after 17 years together.” AWWW

After all that cuteness we’re back to complaining. Honestly, there are two settings on this show. Complaining and catastrophe. Rodger says “My dream anniversary would definitely be Rachel and I on a beach alone no phones” but he knows that’s not going to happen because their anniversary is always in the middle of fashion week. He suggests going to see a broadway show. Rachel points out that they don’t do that even when it’s not our anniversary. He says that’s the point, that it’s their anniversary so they should do something special. Instead she drags him along to a Donna Karan show. Demi Moore, Brooke Shields, and Susan Sarandon are there. The dresses are a mixture of hideous and mediocre. The models are creepy, red-lipped robots. Yes, this is soooo much better than a Broadway show. It’s a sea of black and gray which Demi “lives in” but Rachel is going to take her out of her comfort zone this year so she can have a white moment. Rachel, I love you, but please stop saying that.

Because all girls want an outfit that no one looks good in.

Because if you intentionally have a nip slip wardrobe malfunction it’s chic?

Meh. Christian Siriano could have done it better.

A simple, flattering dress slightly modified to be slightly unflattering.

I like it, but then it’s very simple.

And we switch gears again to another unrelated topic (I’ve stopped keeping count). Someone just posted on Brad’s twitter that Taylor is in NY. He is sitting with hair/makeup artist Joey by a window and tells him this. The only purpose of this segment is to bring up Taylor again so Brad can say “Taylor spent so much time trying to make me seem like an idiot, people started to believe I was an idiot. Now people are starting to see I’m really good at what i do.” Thanks, Brad. Now, back to our regularly scheduled programming…

Psych! Another unrelated topic! Sister Pam comes to sit with Rachel. She’s leaving tomorrow which makes this a perfect time to have a conversation about Rachel not having kids. Cue promo scene at the end of last week’s episode. We learn that Sister Pam is a single mom with two kids in suburbia which Rachel sees as the opposite of her life. I’d also like to point out that this does not really make her the best choice for recruiting new candidates for motherhood. If I had a sister with two children to take care of on my own I wouldn’t be eager to follow in her footsteps if I had a loving husband and a fulfilling career. Rachel says that having children is an not impulsive decision. Most of her family lives across the country so they wouldn’t be able to help and she has an “underlying fear that if I become a mom, my career goes out the window”. While she would love to have children she would also be undertaking another obligation that would interfere with the obligations imposed by her career. I kind of love how she puts it. Instead of complaining that a child would be a pain, she says that if someone were coming to her saying mommy this and mommy that and constantly needing her help she would want to drop everything for them and that would cause her to neglect her responsibilities. Aw. No nanny, wet nurse, and loads of assistants roped into childcare for her.

New scene! This show kind of has ADD. Rachel stands there like a little doll while Joey pins up her hair and Brad sews up her dress. The other straight woman in the room just hovers while the gays take charge. Her hair looks very pretty in an updo but she insists on undoing Joey’s hard work (then why did you hire him?) and leaving her hair loose. Everyone protests and Brad says “You look like a couture Wicked Witch of the West with your hair down”. That’s certainly a nicer way of putting it.

Rachel and Rodger are in the car/van/SUV with Brad in the back. Rachel: “I feel like there’s no better way to spend our anniversary…going to a Marc Jacobs fashion show.” Brad: “I feel like I really complete your anniversary.” Brad asks if they want him to go to dinner with them after the show. Rachel: If you want me to get divorced. Brad interviews that “when Rodger’s not around I assume the role of the fashion husband. Which I love”. I wonder why everyone keeps inventing phrases. Stop being Gretchen from Mean Girls…white moment, fashion husband, fetch? It’s not going to happen. Stop trying to make it happen.

The Marc Jacobs show is full of different forms of tackiness. Fur and various shiny fabrics and way too much plaid.

I’m frightened. Can’t you just smize?

 

Plaid Squirrel-Human Mutant Hiking Scout

Collaboration b/n Bowler Hatted Straight Guy and Ping

Sexy Canadian Fishing Costume? I don’t even know how to make a joke for this one…

Jenna from Pretty Little Liars!

After all of that wonderful fun, Rachel and Rodger drive off to have dinner at Babbo. Cute things are said. They’re mostly killing time until they get there. Rachel tells him how Marc wished them a happy anniversary. She wonders if she’s overdressed. He tells her that the common folk do occasionally dress up to go to dinner.

Fashion Week Final Day: Rachel gets a call informing her that the stage at the Oscars will be white so they’re requesting that no one wear a white gown. Gargh! Prerequisite Catastrophe! Happily, the episode’s almost over this week so there’s no time to make a big deal out of this.

They’re off to a Marchesa presentation. This is the sort of high fashion couture we’ve been waiting for.

Bam! Vagina-highlighting black circle explosion!

I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve seen this fuzzy-sponge attack dress before…

I love it FOR it’s impracticality.

The show is a presentation that involves all the models standing around in vignettes (translation: like mannequins) while people hover around them taking pictures and making notes. Rachel’s attention is caught by a silver dress (that looks gold on the show and in the pictures I found). She says it’s definitely a Best Dressed. It’s the kind of dress a winner wears. I’m pretty sure it’s the dress that Sandra Bullock wore when she won minus the shoulder blobs. Ooo, dramatic irony!

 

Rachel calls the team in LA to get the dress (vignette 6). Join me next week when there are apparently issues getting the dress. Future catastrophe! Hmn…I wonder why…