Rachel Zoe Project: Soak It In While You Can

Prerequisite photo of something fashionable or adorable.

Mannequin 1: What are we looking at?

Mannequin 2: I’m on the lookout for something exciting. That, or clothes.

Mannequin 1: Are you sure it isn’t that cute guy over there?

Mannequin 2: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

I had an awesome day today. Work went well. I managed to switch from a section of a class with a terrible syllabus to one with a FREAKING AMAZING syllabus that I adore. I got myself primped and polished and played with my dog…and then I remembered I had this recap to write. All I can say is something better happen this episode. Rachel, help me prove to the tvgasm readers that there’s something worthwhile about this show! Do not ruin my good day! I realize this is a lot of weight to place on tiny, bony, fragile shoulders but I’m sure she can handle it.

Brad! Brad! This is a castastrophe! I can’t be expected to do anything worth building a reality show around! BRAAAD!

Now that the Golden Globes are done, Rachel needs to prep for NY and Milan Fashion Week to get gowns for the Oscars. Rachel wants to bring almost all of her clothes with her when she travels. Rodger says this “Sucks. Sucks. Sucks.” Pfft. Men. I always manage to throw in at least five more garments than I was meant to bring.

It’s called willpower.

Rachel touches down in NY and her first visit is to one of her favorite designers…Gwen Stefani. Girl can’t sing but she’s got style. She’s rocking a dominatrix, classy Madonna look today. I kid but she’s actually stunningly gorgeous. So put together…almost as if she expected this visit…And by Madonna I mean the Material Girl, not the Virgin Mary, in case there was any confusion.

Gwen lets Rachel try on some clothes and then Rachel’s voiceover tells us how awesome Gwen is as a mother and designer and we see clips from one of her fashion shows. It’s so difficult to juggle being a mother and having a career. Preach, sista! …But then how come you seem to have a breakdown every week when your job is just picking out clothes and not actually creating anything…and that’s without having to take care of any children

Oh, you know you were thinking it.

Back in Rachel’s studio in LA, Brad and Jordan are discussing how busy they are. I wish they could actually convey this is…you know…actions. Brad says he’s been up since 3am. Photos of Anne Hathaway flash on the screen.

See… I can do it, too.

They pull out some outfits from the racks…slowly… Yes, it seems sooo difficult. In the middle of this turbulence, Rachel calls. She needs Brad to come to NY. What? We’re going to leave Unnamed Assistant Jordan all alone…with the other unnamed assistants important members of the styling team?

Coming back from the commercial break, we’ve switched gears again. Forget the Oscars, Brad has to call designers during fashion week to ask for donations of clothes for Naomi Campbell’s fashion show. He rightly points out that with their own fashion shows to worry about, designer’s could care less are far too busy to worry about another person’s fashion show.

 

Back in NY with Rachel, there’s been a blizzard! What? No… If this is the day I remember when they closed down all the schools, this is awful. Rachel is prepared though. By dressed like an extra from Doctor Zhivago. But in an outfit completely made of fur. That consumes her. Complete with leather boots. None of that animal friendly crap going on here.

Eat your heart out, Peta.

Rachel goes to check in with Kevin (who the hell is Kevin? I don’t know…) and there are definitely not enough clothes for Naomi’s fashion show. Naomi is going to be putting on a show in the UK and in NY so part of the problem is that designers are donating clothes to the UK show and they won’t be donating anything else to the NY show. Oh, no! Catastrophe! As usual…

Wait, break for a moment. Rachel says “I’ve had a lot of experience with fashion shows. Yes, I’ve worked with supermodels. Yes, I’ve worked with Naomi Campbell. But when you combine all of those things it’s like one giant !@#$” Wait, um, what? Isn’t a fashion show working with models? HOW IS THIS DIFFERENT FROM ANY OTHER DAY? EVERYTHING IS NOT A DISASTER! THE MORE YOU SAY EVERYTHING IS A DISASTER THE LESS I’LL TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY!

Brad, sensibly, says “I don’t think we’re in dire straits”. Rachel says they are. Yeah, Brad. Of course, we’re in dire straits. How else could we have a show if we didn’t pretend something went wrong something didn’t go wrong every week?

Another Bing promotional spot! Rachel, Husband Rodger, you can do as many of these commercials as you want, it’s not going to make anyone use bing. Why? Because it sucks as a search engine.

Jordan and Ashley back in LA are choosing clothes for Demi and the London premiere of Valentine’s Day. Wait, what. This show is so behind. That seems like so long ago…because it is.

2. 12. 10!

Tagline Interpretation: Because directors who make films about prostitutes know everything there is to know about romance.

Back in NY, Naomi Campbell comes in to the studio. Brad is shaking with “excitement and intense fear”. Like a chihuahua. No, Brad! Don’t let her sense your fear! She’ll chuck a cell phone at you!

It keeps me awake at night…that and my craving for Taco Bell.

Rachel explains to Naomi that there’s a shoe shortage. No! Why? Why!?! Why the hell would you do that? Rachel, you’re too small for a cell phone to the head not to send you into a coma! Naomi makes a phone call. Dramatic music plays. Cut to Naomi. Cut to Rachel. Cut to Brad. Give it a rest, editors!!! Rachel looks worried…everything will probably be fine.

 

Jordan and Ashley are actually handling clothes back in LA. There’s a black and white one that looks super cute but I only see it for a second.

Brad goes to dinner with an intern and a stylist. There names are not important enough for me to remember. BRAD: “If this show doesn’t go well, Rachel’s name, it’s basically fashion suicide, we won’t be able to come back here.” Reasonable person that she is, the intern  just goes on eating their dinner, unwilling to we swept up into the panicked spirit of Rachel Zoe. Or maybe she’s just chewing. For all I know she’s working on a piece of gum or a sprig of parsley.

Daily recommended allowance of sustenance…for crazy people…No, wait. They feed you in insane asylums. Nevermind.

It’s the day before the show, and Rachel has just learned of Alexander McQueen’s passing. The show will have an homage to him at the end to pay tribute to him. (I recommend reading the NY Mag article in their fashion edition about this.)

RESOLUTION OF MAJOR SHOE SHORTAGE: Rachel calls Jordan and tells to send a bunch of shoes over to them. Problem solved. So…easily. ARGH!!!

One of the male models is Haitian and talks about the earthquake. His grandparents lost their home but their alive. He was there and his story inspires everyone. At this point I finally get a hint of why they’re putting on this fashion show in the first place.

His words bring things back in perspective. Brad says he has to remember why they’re doing this. And now we’re off to get clothes! Suddenly models are wandering around everyone, people are making phone calls, trying on shoes, runway walking…

Rachel is running late on the day of the show. They haven’t finished the fittings! They don’t have a lineup yet! Oh, no! Her hair/makeup artist minion Joey tells her “You’re an angel. And you’re so good at your job. You just need to get to your job”. Aw, comforting and funny. I want a  gay BFF who showers me with compliments and has magical glam squad powers.

 

Finally we’re at the fashion show. Rachel looks…insane. What is she wearing? Pam (Rachel’s sister) is with Rodger in the car driving to the fashion show. Hold up. Rachel has a sister? What? Sister Pam says she wants to support Rachel in everything she does. Where were you when they needed someone to pick up the giraffe poop?

And now…THE CLOTHES

 

Bam! Beige bride with attitude.

I actually think this one is really cute. Except for the black pageant sash. Miss Junior Mortician?

Just some girlfriends hanging out, having fun…in our 6-inch heels…

 

Simple but it moved beautifully. Woosh. Woosh. Woosh. Woosh.

 

You can’t see how lovely the fabric was in this picture, so you’ll just have to trust me.

I have no words for this. I just knew I had to include the picture.

 

The mean sister from 27 Dresses. In a garish asymmetric purple number with gauze at the bottom. What? FASHION!

 

 

This was a super adorable dress. No complaints.

 

But for an unexplained readon someone threw (a tissue?) across the runway.

 

Bam! Kickass grandma in black lace.

 

Again, no complaints. Angsty ballerina.

 

I don’t know what to make of this one.  Futuristic senorita in a modified 80s prom dress?

FAVORITE MOMENTS…

These weren’t shown on the show but they happened during the fashion show.

MODEL DOWN!

 

Whoops!

 

Oh no! Let me practice a submissive position.

 

Please save me, God! I’m too young to die in a cell phone related accident!

 

I fell again! No one can save me now…

 

Well, I might as well take off these death-traps now.

INTERPRETATIVE DANCE

When I first saw this backwards runway gyrating…

 

I couldn’t quite believe it was happening…

 

Then, she turned around and I recognized Pat Cleveland.

(aka one of the guest mentors on ANTM one season)

Full view of the actually pretty gorgeous dress.

She’s either auditioning for Evita or Degree antiperspirant.

I have to give her credit for completely owning this runway. She did not want to leave and in true diva style made the most of her time in the spotlight.

FASHION CELEBRITIES

Diane von Furstenberg

Donna Karan

 

Naomi Campbell

 

Even in a fun and flirty flapper dress she’s threatening…

ALEXANDER McQUEEN TRIBUTE

 

The show is a success!

Tune in next week to hear Rachel say “Unfortunately, fashion shows don’t stop for anniversaries” and “Is this sister telling sister to have a baby because children want cousins and grandparents want grandchildren?” I promise to include more photos I couldn’t fit into this recap. Sound off in the comments, I love to read what you have to say!