Rachel Zoe Project: Where are the CLOTHES???

Trust me, fellow NY fashionistas, I know that Rachel Zoe isn’t the highminded arbiter of style she purports to be. Nevertheless, the show gets more fun when they have red carpets to plan for (Hang in there!) and I do like seeing the designer fashions without having to comb through pages and pages of the misguided dreck that is inevitably produced for runway shows. Don’t pretend it isn’t true. As a peace offering, my first pic this week is from the costume exhibit at the Brooklyn Museum I went to see a few months ago. Now this is style. I’m torn between launching into either Liaisons (A Little Night Music) or Class (Chicago). Except they have nothing to do with clothes and this isn’t a musical or Glee so it isn’t appropriate to burst into song. Ah, well. What was I talking about? Oh, right. On with the recap…

Brad is waiting for Rachel at Fred Segal. They try to excuse this as cleansing the energy of Taylor. It’s more of a thinly veiled excuse for shopping and trying on clothes. Brad complains that “you’re dressing me like Roger”, “I look like a lesbian”, “I look like I should be DJing somewhere….like Atlanta”. Oh, Brad. You and your nonsensical quips. You look nothing like Justin Beiber or Melissa Etheridge. Also, the first google hits for “Atlanta DJ’s” are not what I expected.

Kate Hudson, Cameron Diaz, Jennifer Garner, and Paula Patton are confirmed clients for the Golden Globes. Store this information.

This is my transition.

Hey, it’s better than the transitions on the show.

New assistant Ashley has been styling for three years but is thrilled to be coming to work for Rachel. If I watched The Hills I would say she looks like a duller version of one of them but I don’t know any of their names so…just choose one at random. But hey, at least it’s not creepy, greasy, Victorian bow girl. *shudders*

So…yeah. I, like, went shopping today. And then my boyfriend texted me this stupid message. He’s such a jerk. I should bring up how he was hitting on that other girl on the show when we go to dinner tomorrow.

(what I assume passes for conversation on The Hills)

Roger knows that during Golden Globes season his job is to stay out of her way and not try to contact her, thus maintaining their status as a happily married couple. So he goes off to stretch and then run in a very, very masculine way with his personal trainer.

Ashley’s first day on the job her responsibility is to dress Paula Patton. Rachel explains to us that the two ways to dress a pregnant woman are to dress to accentuate the bump or dress to hide it with an empire waist. Pictures of fat bitch Heidi and Catherine Zeta-Jones (and we’ve come full circle back to Chicago and A Little Night Music) are flashed on the screen. You could also take the Bethenny approach and try on everything in your closet and then go out in a long shirt that you pretend is a dress and hope no one gets a look up your dress. (Shoutout to my fellow recappers on Bethenny Getting Married?)

Ven you got it, flaunt it
Show your assets, let them know you’re proud

OR

Still gorgeous. Not. Fair.

As I’m watching Ashley going to Starworks to look for clothes I’m distracted by the length, split ends, and incredibly dry, stringy-ness of her hair. It looks so lifeless and unhealthy.

My daily regimen? I iron my hair out on the kitchen counter, scorch the split ends with a blowtorch, use it to sweep my floor, and then empty a couple of ashtrays on it.

I would assume Rachel is sucking the life out of her a la Bette Midler and SJP in Hocus Pocus but then Rachel would have better skin and healthier hair.

SJP: Remember when I used to be the pretty one?

Rachel natters on for a while. No one is interested. Don’t worry, it’s not important.

Finally, there is drama. Actually, that should be “finally, there is drama?” Someone went to pick up a Versace dress and the hotel gave it to someone else. Rachel thinks it’s another stylist as apparently some stealing between stylists goes on during awards season. This isn’t an ABC family/Disney channel movie. Stealing is still a crime…isn’t it? Am I missing something, tvgasm readers?

Even we were sent to jail…momentarily.

Unnamed assistant is named Jordan. Somebody remember that. Getting to know you…getting to more than I care to… If you could talk then…maybe you’d disagree…But at the moment…I will keep speaking for you…Because of all the wonderful and new…things I’m missing by watching this show…it feels like…days…

Lucio (from Versace?) finally brings the dress. It’s a droopy, grayish lavender nightgown. Rachel seems to agree with me but says, more politely, that it’s still a great dress but not right for Cameron Diaz (don’t need to be making her look any older) and not right for the Golden Globes.

Soooo flattering. And youthful. I can see why someone wanted to steal it. No. No, I can’t.

Brad is with Jessica his Pilates instructor. This seems to spur Brad to have a heart-to-heart with new assistant Ashley. He’s really friendly, says he wants to spread the wealth and get her involved. He says he comes to the job with a “gay man’s perspective” wanting feathers and sequins and he needs her opinion as a woman because he doesn’t wear women’s clothes. I kind of love this as one of the things I hate is male designers who try to force women with gorgeous feminine curves to starve themselves to a upside down triangle with broad shoulders and no hips which is a MALE BODY IDEAL. Real nice, guys.

Female Figure: I don’t look anything like you.

Male Figure: If you starve yourself for a while, you might.

Female Figure: You’re sleeping on the couch tonight.

Male Figure: I love you… OW!

Teensy question. How much does anyone care about the Golden Globes? From the outside, it seems like the “practice Oscars”. A weird mishmash of categories that branch TV and film. Not the Oscars, not the Emmy’s. The show where no one cares, people make random jokes, and everyone gets drunk and hangs out.

Final fittings today. Does that mean I finally get to see clothes??? Molly Sims comes in. She needs something for In Style and something for the Globes. She puts on four dresses and the lighting is way too bright but here are the pictures anyway.

What Rachel probably thinks she looks like when styling celebrities.

Roger (Husband, yeah I learned his name, too) goes over to his friend’s house. He holds a baby. Talks about how Rachel is getting past the age when they’ll be having children. But in the pregnancy dresses segment she was going on about “when I get pregnant”. Does she know you’re talking like this Husband? Given the passive-aggressive nature of the relationship I assume the message accompanying the picture is…

Here’s a pic so you can imagine what’d it be like if you weren’t barren. Love, Roger (Your Husband)

We are cheated! There are some pictures of models, either from lookbooks or ads in the clothes that the actresses have chosen to wear.

It’s raining on the day of the Golden Globes! Horror of horrors! Rachel is NOT happy. Rachel sits on the couch with her minions/friends and watches the Golden Globes railing about the rain, complaining about Roger’s insistence on catching the last minute and nine seconds of the football game. This bored me so I went to go find you pictures from the Golden Globes. You’re welcome.

As styled by Rachel Zoe. I like it, but there’s nothing all the stunning about it.

On the other hand…at least it’s not this…

A dress that I LOVED.

Yes, the shoulder sponge AND the hip sponge do make it seem like she’s been attacked. But at least it’s a bold choice.

This is a Diva. That mouse can suck it.

So tell me what you think. Can we make it through more episodes where nothing actually happens? I promise I’ll start including even more of my own fashion pictures if this show doesn’t start offering up anything good.