Real Housewives of Atlanta: Bury That Donkey

Recaps

By L Boogie | Wednesday, April 4, 2012 | 6:00 am | 24 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Real Housewives of Atlanta, Recaps

This week, we put an end to the Black baby story, Phaedra officially becomes queen of the dead and Nene pursues life beyond her home’s rented gates.

Kim is meeting Cynthia for lunch to iron out their issues, Kim’s face and Cynthia’s wig. Kim calls Sheree to tell her about the upcoming lunch. She says that Cynthia has balls around Nene except Nene wasn’t in the truck on the safari the day of the infamous comment. Who was there? All of Kim’s so called friends who never once defended her. During Cynthia’s drive, she calls Nene and repeats the fact that Kim always talks about everyone else. I really hope Cynthia got a list of Kim-sults together for this. This passive aggressive hatred has mostly stemmed from Kim’s poor behavior at her wedding last year yet she won’t say it aloud.


“I can’t believe I let my menu reader have the day off. Damn child labor laws.”

Kim: You know I’m trying to lose baby weight. Why did you tell me to order the first thing on the menu?
Cynthia: I thought you’d like barbecued muskrat and corn bread.
Kim: I actually don’t. I can’t believe you recommended it!
Cynthia: I never told you to get that.
Kim: Yes you did!
Cynthia: I can’t remember what I told you to order. I apologize. Let me pay.
Kim: Okay, can you pay now? I’m ready to leave.
Cynthia: Pay for what?
Kim: The meal! You said you’d pay.
Cynthia: I honestly don’t remember what I said. Let’s just move past this.

Cynthia says that they were never friends and they’ve always had a back and forth exchange of foolishness. Kim says that she always says dumb stuff but doesn’t understand why Cynthia would make the black baby comment. Cynthia, thankfully, ends this by saying that she doesn’t know Kim that well and doesn’t think she’s racist. Kim says that Cynthia is different when Nene is around and that they can speak regardless of who is there. They say they’ll go on a double date but it’s one of those meaningless statements that you make to illustrate that you are past a situation and then use your husband to get out of when the time comes.

Cynthia: We’ll get together soon. As long as Peter’s not Black, ruining a business or fighting Gargamel we should be able to make it.
Kim: That’s perf! As long as Kroy’s not blonde, being tricked into conceiving a baby with me or playing football for a crappy team, we are there!

Nene is in L.A. meeting with the producers of Glee. She’s with a token gay man, Andre, and he’s her part time assistant. Nene is tired but he’s ready to eat, exercise and find out where she got her size 14 Loubotins.

Nene: Is this hotel equipped with smoke detectors? Because something is flaming, honey!

Yes, Nene loves the gays but Andre is too gay. Read: he borrows her shoes and Axe body spray too often. She puts up with him though because she’s pretty much alienated everyone else.

Kroy heads over to Kim’s parents house, or her backyard where Joe is being held as an indentured servant, and asks for Kim’s hand in marriage. This is interesting. I’m all for tradition but that went out the window about as quickly as Kim’s panties in an Arby’s parking lot. The Falcons have had more downtime during the post season than Kim’s vag. Anyway, all of our questions about Kim’s priorities are answered. Joe immediately asks if Kroy is in this for life, if he’s going to take care of Kim and the girls forever and if Kroy will take care of them forever and if he realizes that he’ll be taking care of Kim and the girls forever. Forever.

Kroy: If your little pumpkin keeps putting her cigarettes out on my condoms, I’ll be with her for the rest of my useful years.

Once Joe is assured that Kim will never have to move back into his house because Kroy will keep her or at least pay child support until Joe dies, he gives Kroy his blessing. Then he calls his wife to share the good news and tells Kroy to keep up his defense or something like that. He could’ve used that advice 11 months ago. Both for football and Kim.

Kandi is meeting with her sex toy people. She comes up with the name clit-stick for a lipstick shaped vibrator. Then they show Kandi the vibrator that will play to music. Lastly, they show the toy she’s dubbed happiness & joy; it’s a dual stimulation toy that they seem to think men will want to use on their women but I’m not sure about that one.

Kandi: This stuff is much smaller than the ball of rubber bands I’ve been humping.
Sex Toy Lady: Wow Kandi! You’re getting all hot and bothered over there.

Kandi: Good thing I’m sure…or unsure. Haha! Remember that commercial from the 90′s?
Sex Toy Lady: Haha! No, I was stoned out of my mind in Amsterdam in the 90′s but that’s cute too.

Cynthia is at the Cynthia Bailey Modeling Spy Agency for Wayward Girls and Black Babies. They’re having Opening Judgment Day which will consist of ten potential models walking before a panel of debt collectors who will decide which one is most likely to spend enough money to pay off Peter’s debt. Since Peter is producing the show, he shows her how to run the business into the ground in record time and he toasts that the business is about to “blow up”.

Peter: I am literally going to blow this place up…for insurance money.
Cynthia: What was that honey? I couldn’t hear you over the sound of me doing the robot.

Phaedra is still determined to bury Atlanta’s population in the most fabulous manner befitting a southern belle. I predict that Atlanta will be faced with a pandemic when sequins contaminated soil begins to seep into the water supply. She’s meeting with two people who recently lost a parent to test her skills. She puts on her best “sad face” whilst trying to cover her money hungry grin. They look at caskets, review their dad’s life story which doesn’t completely add up and the grieving folks pay $14,000 via credit card for the funeral. That’s actually on par with the average funeral so Phaedra failed to sell them on the ancient Southern tradition of a casket sip and see which features drinks stirred by none other than Redickulous. That would’ve easily brought the total to $14,004.27. When it comes time to wrap up the arrangements, the “son” slips up and basically says that his dad is 147 years old. At that point, they all have a good laugh at their emotional manipulation of Phaedra and say that she did a great job of raking them over the coals of death.

Phaedra: I’m still getting paid for this right?

Nene is excited about her Glee meeting and is confident that she got her part. While they are at the restaurant, they coincidentally run into Steve Harvey and his wife. Steve lives in Atlanta but they spend a lot of time in L.A. for his work. Steve warns her that it’s really fake in L.A. and she has to be on guard against all of the so called producers etc…He says that if she goes there with love, meaning her family I suppose, she’ll be okay. Nene wants to ask Gregg if he’ll be okay with Brentt moving to L.A. with her but has a feeling he won’t be. Then she coincidentally runs into Keisha Knight-Pulliam and they chit chat about Nene possibly moving to L.A. Keisha also calls Atlanta home but says that it’s helpful to have a place in L.A. Am I the only one who thinks this scene was filmed in Atlanta and they just used stock photos from BH 90210 for ambiance?

“Andre, the internet been saying my breasts are all over the place!”

“They just like to say hi to my rich belly button, honey!”

Kandi is at work in her boutique. Her employees called out so she’s stuck working. Why do I feel like being taken advantage of is the story of Kandi’s life?


Kandi: All 18 of them got sick suddenly. I’m so disappointed because today was “Dress Like Your Favorite Designing Woman Character” Day.

Willie Watkins, Phaedra’s funeral business mentor, is being honored at an event in Atlanta and she asks the women to wear their Sunday best. Somehow these women interpreted that as animal print, sheer midriffs and raggedy edges…did Lawrence quit on Sheree? Kim shows up and proceeds to complain about the entire thing. This kind of proves what Kandi said about her not going to Africa because she never goes anywhere and when she does she complains. I’m not defending the event because it probably was horrible but she does this at everything. Phaedra feels that it’s rude to talk during an event but let’s it slide because she probably wants to bury herself at this point. All of the girls are getting restless and Kim finally takes Sheree outside to tell her something.

Kim: I’m engaged bitch!

Sheree: And I’ve nearly mastered my Home Alone impression! What a week!

Once again, we do not get to see the footage of another important moment. There’s a reasonable assumption that this will be shown on her spinoff but she claims she was at home with sweats and no wig on. Kim isn’t going anywhere near a camera without her wig so we shall see…Kim asks Sheree to be one of her bridesmaids because with Sheree’s budget they will all have to wear burlap sacks and Kim will most assuredly be the belle of the ball. Sheree scrunches up her face and claims that she’s about to cry. We’re to assume that it’s tears of joy but I’m sure they are tears of a woman being forced to play second fiddle to someone who once kissed Michael Lohan yet managed to land a well to do sucker.

Next week is the finale and Nene throws a fit at Kandi’s sex toy launch party. I’m guessing they’re setting up her exit from the show and maybe planning Marlo’s entrance.

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24 Comments

  1. 1
    NotWithoutMyTV notwithoutmytv
    Posted April 4, 2012 at 7:12 am

    Yeah, the asking for someone’s daughter’s hand is marriage is stupid in the 21st century. But I think reality shows have seized on it as an easy way to create fake drama, and the father is encouraged to act all Godfather and stern and fake threatening to the son-in-law. I think they did this on that “We Love Allah in Minnesota, Youbetcha!” show.

    I really wonder what Willy Wonka and his Funeral Empire are getting out of teaching Phaedra to be his competition? I don’t see reality show appearances as great advertising for a serious, solemn business…and the oboes of buffoonery always play whenever Phaedra’s doing the mortuary thing, so it’s not great coverage if Willy Wonka is only doing it for the publicity.

  2. 2
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted April 4, 2012 at 7:43 am

    Okay, NWMTV, you have really piqued my curiosity. What on earth is “that ‘We Love Allah in Minnesota, Youbetcha!’ show”?

  3. 3
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted April 4, 2012 at 8:21 am

    Kim must wear dentures and have her vagina tightened as tight as a snare drum every 6 months because, there is NO other way to explain this bullshit.

  4. 4
    NotWithoutMyTV notwithoutmytv
    Posted April 4, 2012 at 8:30 am

    All-American Muslim–all the cast members are Scanderhoovians from Michigan, which has a large Muslim population. They all talk like they’re on the set of Fargo.

  5. 5
    NotWithoutMyTV notwithoutmytv
    Posted April 4, 2012 at 9:11 am

    The measure of battleship NeNe’s “rich and famous-ness”: the stars Bravo scrapes up to give her advice are Steve Harvey and Rudy from the Cosby Show.

  6. 6
    Derek Hazelton
    Posted April 4, 2012 at 9:14 am

    @Gypsy, I’m sure the only exercises Kim does are her Kegels.

  7. 7
    Derek Hazelton
    Posted April 4, 2012 at 9:19 am

    @NWMTV, please don’t get me started on the coonery that is Steve Harvey and the Family Feud or the fact that KKP hasn’t been relevant in twenty years and the fact that her career has spiraled into only Lifetime movies and the Tyler Perry stage-play “chitlin” circuit.

  8. 8
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted April 4, 2012 at 9:37 am

    Thank you NWMTV. Missed the show– as did most of the world’s population. I did, however, read that it was/is rather controversial. As I look around me all I see are regulation Muslims.

  9. 9
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted April 4, 2012 at 10:03 am

    Ha! @Derek, that betch is too lazy even for that! Woman puts her wigs in the MICROWAVE! Which alone is gross but how does Kroy deal with her?

    I’m thinking vag rejuvination 2x’s a year.

  10. 10
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted April 4, 2012 at 10:05 am

    Rudy? Really, no, REALLY? All I think of is the episode of The Cosby Show where she stomps up the stairs and screams the number: “ELEVEN!”, for what reason, I forgot.

  11. 11
    Derek Hazelton
    Posted April 4, 2012 at 10:49 am

    LOL @Gypsy… my favorite Cosby show episode is when Rudy steals her mom’s dry cleaning money to buy a light-up fish sweater, she gets the last one, and the fish don’t light up, and she still gets punished! Epic. Fail.

  12. 12
    Derek Hazelton
    Posted April 4, 2012 at 10:54 am

    @Gypsy, I assume that’s the case, but is it really necessary to rejuvenate a vagina every 6 months? Wouldn’t it just be cheaper to find a new man or buy one of Kandi’s sex toys?

  13. 13
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted April 4, 2012 at 1:02 pm

    Well Derek, that vajajay just landed her a 25 year old multi millionaire so, you do the math.

    And it’s not about her pleasure, she’s all about the Benjamins baby! (That was an old Puff Daddy song from back in the 90′s) Gotta keep those glory holes tight and in tip top shape to keep a young Buck like that to deal with her baggage and keep her rolling in the dough.

  14. 14
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted April 4, 2012 at 1:04 pm

    I also loved the episode when Vanessa gets drunk and they make Rudy take shots of Applejuice and let Vanessa think it’s booze. Try getting away with that today on TV. Not even Charlie Sheen could pull that off!

    LOL, thanks for the laugh!

  15. 15
    Derek Hazelton
    Posted April 4, 2012 at 1:28 pm

    No problem, Gypsy! Another episode I love is when I think Cliff gets heartburn and has a dream where all the male characters give birth to hoagie sandwiches.

    You know how boring this season has become when we use this thread to discuss our favorite Cosby show episodes and Kim’s vaginal maintenance.

    I hope L-Boogie will be recapping Kim’s wedding show because I don’t want to be the only one who watches it.

  16. 16
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted April 4, 2012 at 1:38 pm

    You’re keyboard to my eyes! You know it!

  17. 17
    hot cawfee
    Posted April 5, 2012 at 9:11 am

    I hope Kroy realizes that Kim’s wretched parents need to be taken care of too. Poor sap–get a pre-nup boy.

  18. 18
    LAC LAC
    Posted April 5, 2012 at 12:09 pm

    L Boogie – you are the wind beneath mah wings, ’cause girl, I cannot watch this show in one sitting. Very funny recap!!

    NeNe – I see Moose and gay Squirrel went to L.A. I imagine the smog level must be real bad out there with all the smoke being blown up that ass of hers. And to top things off, having the receiving line consisting of cheesy ass Dolemite looking Steve Harvey with his 400 button suit and “ain’t I a playa?” showing off of wife number three’s ice-skating rink ring, and Rudy from the Cosby Show. Lord, help us…

    Kim – Gypsy, I am with you on the kegel exercises. That bitch would get someone to do them for her while she eats pizza. Poor Kroy, if only he could have seen the dance that her dad did after he left. I doubt he thought he would ever actually have someone asking to take her hand in anything except an unzipped crotch outside a Wendy’s.

    Phaedra – just waiting for her to put some little known southern traditions on the funeral business. For a little more money, yew can have sip and spa at the grave site. Just because your loved one is gone, doesn’t mean that you can’t have a little pampering and bellinis while you give him and her to Jesus. And really, a dinner honoring someone for burying people? OOOOOKKAAYY….

    Kandi – looking forward to the next episode with all the buff mens… :)

    Cynthia – with Peter by your side, offering advice, there is no telling how far your agency will go…under. But you are pretty and love the wigs!

    Sheree – so, we will be seeing you on “Don’t be Tardy for the Wedding?” hoooorayyyy…. Now, you do know that bridesmaids do not get 50 ft paintings of themselves or seed money for their Chateaus, right? And that it will be all about the Kim? Just checking, boo…

  19. 19
    MrsMiaWallace
    Posted April 5, 2012 at 1:31 pm

    Man, I usually hate spin off shows but I may have to watch this one solely because I am so puzzled at what is going on with those two. He seems down to earth and nice and normal and she is a train wreck and baggage from a mile away. I want to peek into what the magic is and the dead soulless way he discussed their love in his interview after the “blessing” scene was a little disturbing… but maybe she knows how to make a man happy and they are just wonderful together?

    I actually liked the “blessing” scene only because it looked so rehearsed and staged and the dad seemed really nervous and got his lines out too fast. I could just picture him thinking over everything he wanted to say and practicing. It was kind of endearing in the way of an old dorky dad trying to do something uncomfortable is.

  20. 20
    annie Annie
    Posted April 6, 2012 at 6:23 pm

    jumping on the Cosby Convo:

    my favorite episode: three words…Gordon Gartrell Shirt!
    I love that one!!

    ps I had a huge crush on Theo :)

  21. 21
    annie Annie
    Posted April 6, 2012 at 6:28 pm

    Peter and Cynthia’s convo at the modeling agency just solidfied my suspicion he’s been scamming her all along. Peter says he’s inviting all of Atlanta, her agency is gonna blow up and she better make sure the fire marshall doesnt show up….dude, please. Just the way he told her that screamed “SCAM” to me.

    Also, I bet Shereeeee was super, duper jealous of Kim’s ring. You know she was thinking her daughter better have a ring like that.

  22. 22
    Derek Hazelton
    Posted April 8, 2012 at 5:02 pm

    On the RHOA wikipedia page, Sheree is listed as a “former housewife.” Does anyone know if this is for real?

  23. 23
    Derek Hazelton
    Posted April 8, 2012 at 5:08 pm

    http://www.s2smagazine.com/stories/2012/04/sheree-whitfield-fired-over-salary-demands

    LOL, I googled it and found out she begged to get paid like NeNe and then got the boot when Bravo told her she didn’t deserve it. No wonder she wasn’t at the All Star Party…..

  24. 24
    featherhead
    Posted April 8, 2012 at 5:18 pm

    Now how is she gonna pay for chateau dirtpile? I wonder who’s gonna lend her the money for the “no trespassing” sign? She’s been fronting for a long time now ……

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