This week, we put an end to the Black baby story, Phaedra officially becomes queen of the dead and Nene pursues life beyond her home’s rented gates.
Kim is meeting Cynthia for lunch to iron out their issues, Kim’s face and Cynthia’s wig. Kim calls Sheree to tell her about the upcoming lunch. She says that Cynthia has balls around Nene except Nene wasn’t in the truck on the safari the day of the infamous comment. Who was there? All of Kim’s so called friends who never once defended her. During Cynthia’s drive, she calls Nene and repeats the fact that Kim always talks about everyone else. I really hope Cynthia got a list of Kim-sults together for this. This passive aggressive hatred has mostly stemmed from Kim’s poor behavior at her wedding last year yet she won’t say it aloud.
“I can’t believe I let my menu reader have the day off. Damn child labor laws.”
Kim: You know I’m trying to lose baby weight. Why did you tell me to order the first thing on the menu?
Cynthia: I thought you’d like barbecued muskrat and corn bread.
Kim: I actually don’t. I can’t believe you recommended it!
Cynthia: I never told you to get that.
Kim: Yes you did!
Cynthia: I can’t remember what I told you to order. I apologize. Let me pay.
Kim: Okay, can you pay now? I’m ready to leave.
Cynthia: Pay for what?
Kim: The meal! You said you’d pay.
Cynthia: I honestly don’t remember what I said. Let’s just move past this.
Cynthia says that they were never friends and they’ve always had a back and forth exchange of foolishness. Kim says that she always says dumb stuff but doesn’t understand why Cynthia would make the black baby comment. Cynthia, thankfully, ends this by saying that she doesn’t know Kim that well and doesn’t think she’s racist. Kim says that Cynthia is different when Nene is around and that they can speak regardless of who is there. They say they’ll go on a double date but it’s one of those meaningless statements that you make to illustrate that you are past a situation and then use your husband to get out of when the time comes.
Cynthia: We’ll get together soon. As long as Peter’s not Black, ruining a business or fighting Gargamel we should be able to make it.
Kim: That’s perf! As long as Kroy’s not blonde, being tricked into conceiving a baby with me or playing football for a crappy team, we are there!
Nene is in L.A. meeting with the producers of Glee. She’s with a token gay man, Andre, and he’s her part time assistant. Nene is tired but he’s ready to eat, exercise and find out where she got her size 14 Loubotins.
Nene: Is this hotel equipped with smoke detectors? Because something is flaming, honey!
Yes, Nene loves the gays but Andre is too gay. Read: he borrows her shoes and Axe body spray too often. She puts up with him though because she’s pretty much alienated everyone else.
Kroy heads over to Kim’s parents house, or her backyard where Joe is being held as an indentured servant, and asks for Kim’s hand in marriage. This is interesting. I’m all for tradition but that went out the window about as quickly as Kim’s panties in an Arby’s parking lot. The Falcons have had more downtime during the post season than Kim’s vag. Anyway, all of our questions about Kim’s priorities are answered. Joe immediately asks if Kroy is in this for life, if he’s going to take care of Kim and the girls forever and if Kroy will take care of them forever and if he realizes that he’ll be taking care of Kim and the girls forever. Forever.
Kroy: If your little pumpkin keeps putting her cigarettes out on my condoms, I’ll be with her for the rest of my useful years.
Once Joe is assured that Kim will never have to move back into his house because Kroy will keep her or at least pay child support until Joe dies, he gives Kroy his blessing. Then he calls his wife to share the good news and tells Kroy to keep up his defense or something like that. He could’ve used that advice 11 months ago. Both for football and Kim.
Kandi is meeting with her sex toy people. She comes up with the name clit-stick for a lipstick shaped vibrator. Then they show Kandi the vibrator that will play to music. Lastly, they show the toy she’s dubbed happiness & joy; it’s a dual stimulation toy that they seem to think men will want to use on their women but I’m not sure about that one.
Kandi: This stuff is much smaller than the ball of rubber bands I’ve been humping.
Sex Toy Lady: Wow Kandi! You’re getting all hot and bothered over there.
Kandi: Good thing I’m sure…or unsure. Haha! Remember that commercial from the 90′s?
Sex Toy Lady: Haha! No, I was stoned out of my mind in Amsterdam in the 90′s but that’s cute too.
Cynthia is at the Cynthia Bailey Modeling Spy Agency for Wayward Girls and Black Babies. They’re having Opening Judgment Day which will consist of ten potential models walking before a panel of debt collectors who will decide which one is most likely to spend enough money to pay off Peter’s debt. Since Peter is producing the show, he shows her how to run the business into the ground in record time and he toasts that the business is about to “blow up”.
Peter: I am literally going to blow this place up…for insurance money.
Cynthia: What was that honey? I couldn’t hear you over the sound of me doing the robot.
Phaedra is still determined to bury Atlanta’s population in the most fabulous manner befitting a southern belle. I predict that Atlanta will be faced with a pandemic when sequins contaminated soil begins to seep into the water supply. She’s meeting with two people who recently lost a parent to test her skills. She puts on her best “sad face” whilst trying to cover her money hungry grin. They look at caskets, review their dad’s life story which doesn’t completely add up and the grieving folks pay $14,000 via credit card for the funeral. That’s actually on par with the average funeral so Phaedra failed to sell them on the ancient Southern tradition of a casket sip and see which features drinks stirred by none other than Redickulous. That would’ve easily brought the total to $14,004.27. When it comes time to wrap up the arrangements, the “son” slips up and basically says that his dad is 147 years old. At that point, they all have a good laugh at their emotional manipulation of Phaedra and say that she did a great job of raking them over the coals of death.
Phaedra: I’m still getting paid for this right?
Nene is excited about her Glee meeting and is confident that she got her part. While they are at the restaurant, they coincidentally run into Steve Harvey and his wife. Steve lives in Atlanta but they spend a lot of time in L.A. for his work. Steve warns her that it’s really fake in L.A. and she has to be on guard against all of the so called producers etc…He says that if she goes there with love, meaning her family I suppose, she’ll be okay. Nene wants to ask Gregg if he’ll be okay with Brentt moving to L.A. with her but has a feeling he won’t be. Then she coincidentally runs into Keisha Knight-Pulliam and they chit chat about Nene possibly moving to L.A. Keisha also calls Atlanta home but says that it’s helpful to have a place in L.A. Am I the only one who thinks this scene was filmed in Atlanta and they just used stock photos from BH 90210 for ambiance?
“Andre, the internet been saying my breasts are all over the place!”
“They just like to say hi to my rich belly button, honey!”
Kandi is at work in her boutique. Her employees called out so she’s stuck working. Why do I feel like being taken advantage of is the story of Kandi’s life?
Kandi: All 18 of them got sick suddenly. I’m so disappointed because today was “Dress Like Your Favorite Designing Woman Character” Day.
Willie Watkins, Phaedra’s funeral business mentor, is being honored at an event in Atlanta and she asks the women to wear their Sunday best. Somehow these women interpreted that as animal print, sheer midriffs and raggedy edges…did Lawrence quit on Sheree? Kim shows up and proceeds to complain about the entire thing. This kind of proves what Kandi said about her not going to Africa because she never goes anywhere and when she does she complains. I’m not defending the event because it probably was horrible but she does this at everything. Phaedra feels that it’s rude to talk during an event but let’s it slide because she probably wants to bury herself at this point. All of the girls are getting restless and Kim finally takes Sheree outside to tell her something.
Kim: I’m engaged bitch!
Sheree: And I’ve nearly mastered my Home Alone impression! What a week!
Once again, we do not get to see the footage of another important moment. There’s a reasonable assumption that this will be shown on her spinoff but she claims she was at home with sweats and no wig on. Kim isn’t going anywhere near a camera without her wig so we shall see…Kim asks Sheree to be one of her bridesmaids because with Sheree’s budget they will all have to wear burlap sacks and Kim will most assuredly be the belle of the ball. Sheree scrunches up her face and claims that she’s about to cry. We’re to assume that it’s tears of joy but I’m sure they are tears of a woman being forced to play second fiddle to someone who once kissed Michael Lohan yet managed to land a well to do sucker.
Next week is the finale and Nene throws a fit at Kandi’s sex toy launch party. I’m guessing they’re setting up her exit from the show and maybe planning Marlo’s entrance.
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