Real Housewives of Atlanta: Pimp and Circumstance

Okay, really Black baby? We are discussing this topic yet again this week and I’m hoping it will end. Meanwhile, Phaedra has a dedication for Ayden and Cynthia finds herself in the middle of it all. Let’s get to the juicy details…and it won’t take us two hours to get there.

Phaedra is having Ayden’s dedication and has decided to make it a small, intimate affair. I just wanted to see how it’d feel to say that. She actually intends to make it as over the top and ridiculous as her earrings. They gather at Enon Baptist Church for the rehearsal.

Apollo: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your earrings.

In keeping with Ayden being the prince of Atlanta, Phaedra has orchestrated a United Colors of Bennetton photo shoot to coincide with his dedication. There’s going to be a procession that includes some of the most precious children Bravo could rent.

Phaedra: You kids are great! Have you ever thought of becoming pallbearers?”

Sheree and Damon are shopping for Tierra’s engagement ring. I feel like he was talked into this so that Sheree had a plot line. The poor thing is starting to realize what he may be marrying by proxy. They look at rings that cost as much as $40,000. I guess it’s like being in  candy shop for someone like Sheree but this is embarrassing. How can she in good conscience even look at this stuff that’s clearly out of range? Hello! She and her daughter live in apartments! And making weekly visits to a hole in the ground while pointing out the imaginary grand ballroom and English butler, does not  woman of means make. Damon decides on a $6500 ring and Sheree tells him to sleep on it. Is it just me or is that even too much money? Theses kids aren’t even 30 and haven’t gotten a wedding spinoff special yet! Bottom line, unless they’re last name is Leakes they are not very rich!

Sheree’s new business: Debt by Debtee

Speaking of the wealthy and elite, Nene and the nanny are making guacamole. Brentt doesn’t need a nanny. He can steal his own razors now. Nene engages him in a discussion about the separation. Brentt is coping well and thinks that Gregg is less cranky and his parents say “yes” a lot more often to him. I think he’s the cutest thing so I hope he doesn’t get away with too much and turns into a brat.

Brentt: I heard some interesting sounds in dad’s room the other night. Are you two getting back together?
Nene: That was NOT me.
Brentt: Oh, ummm…Bryson was in jail and I’m still reasonably cute.
Nene: Save it. You’re still my favorite.

Woo hoo! We finally get to catch up with Kim. I can’t wait to see her fire Sweetie. Oh wait. We will NOT get to see it. WTF?! Isn’t there some contractual obligation to give viewers a front row seat to every firing, hiring, marrying, divorcing, pap smearing, boob jobbing, nose chopping, party planner reaming, self fellating, wig roasting, house foreclosing, drag racing, drag queening, slur throwing, car buying, name dropping, baby making, dedicating, bone throwing, Black baby hating moment? Right now, Kim is excited about her personal chef who is making lasagna for her family. I’m so happy she finally got a 17th person to help her!

“I once saw Garfield steal lasagna out of one of these things.”

You know what else Kim saw? A chance to land the cover of The Globe. She burned a wig in her microwave; she thought if she added water, a compact and a hundred dollar bill she’d sprout another kid but it didn’t work.

Phaedra is having a photo shoot for the family. Phaedra’s look is supposed to be Michelle Obama meets Old Money. Apollo, as usual, goes along with this tomfoolery.

Looks more like Peg Bundy meets Twilight.

Sheree continues her quest to get more screen time by accompanying Damon to a facility in which to host the engagement party. Damon immediately inquires about the drinks.

Sheree: After this, I’ll take you back to my air mattress and show you how to please a woman.
Damon: Can I have all the drinks please?

Damon basically says that he needs to blow a .59 before he proposes to Tierra. Sheree, is rightfully, concerned about the fact that he wants to be drunk that evening. I know that it’s a big moment and he has the right to be nervous but after six years and living together, he should be clear headed about this decision. I knew there was something off here. Maybe he’s fine but spending time with Sheree has opened his eyes to what the next 30 years holds.

At the Biermann/Zolciak estate, the girls are eagerly awaiting Kroy’s return from training camp. He finally gets home and is greeted by a trio of Kims.

The de-evolution of the Goldiggerous Zolciakus .

They shout at him “Welcome home daddy” AKA the most horrifying words a 25 year old man could ever hear. Kim breaks the news that Sweetie has been fired. It was bad enough that Sweetie was lounging at the pool instead of working, she also burned Kim’s breast milk. I could see that making someone angry but isn’t that what the nanny is for? The girls claim that Sweetie had been mean to them and cursed at them. Again, I see the problem with that but in a household in which swearing and smoking are a part of the rental agreement, is it really that bad? I think Sweetie was just really embarrassed by what happened last season and was acting out to prove that she wasn’t a “slave.” First she got the straight weave, the pink lipstick that didn’t match her complexion and lastly, the attitude. In short, she was becoming Lil’ Kim and with the virile Kroy around, I don’t think Kim wanted to chance any repeat Sally Hemings incidents.

What’s Sheree doing? She’s lounging around in full makeup and a disco tee waiting for anyone to show up at her house. Damon has a seat, declines a drink and talks to Sheree. The fact that he didn’t drink says “I have something important to say and I want to be sober enough to run.” He tells Sheree that there’s been a tornado of stuff happening and too many expectations. He wants to be sure that he is ready financially and emotionally before he “does whatever it is” he’s going to do. Does that mean propose or leave?

“No proposal means no storyline for me next season. Excuse while I ingest this cube of arsenic.”

I totally understand where he’s coming from. When I was engaged, it felt like so much was happening so fast, I didn’t even want to get married. And I didn’t. People don’t realize how much their meddling can ruin a perfectly defective relationship.

Speaking of defects, it’s time for Phaedra’s tacky dedication for Ayden. Seriously? The baby was carried in like an ancient prince or something. Peter actually scored a point with his note that it looked like Coming to America.  It was over the top and ridiculous and not in a good way. I’m somewhat surprised that the pastor even let that mess take place but all those Bravo viewers should make his place a shoo in for a stop on the Housewives of ATL bus tour. It’ll go by Sheree’s hole in the ground (and her head), Marlo’s jail cell and Cynthia’s spy agency or whatever it is she’s running. It’s one thing to make a mockery of baby showers, anniversaries and orphanages but a baby dedication in a church? I wasn’t mad but it just wasn’t cute.

Dwight: Have you ever seen anything so ridiculous?
Cynthia: Yes. Yes Dwight! We have all seen something ridiculous but no one will tell you to your face.

Cynthia and Peter sit through the ceremony and they are the only ones to show up for it. Kandi, Kim and Phaedra are nowhere to be found. Cynthia makes herself comfortable and then Kim finally shows up at the party. She complains that the event is too far and there was traffic getting there. I think Kim was partially forced to go there to film with Cynthia and Phaedra was kind enough to show up to Kim’s shower a few months prior. Kim complains that it’s too hot and she’s unhappy that she’s sitting with Cynthia. Cynthia exchanges false pleasantries with Kim and Kroy. Cynthia is being passive aggressive in her statements and Kim can tell. Kroy, as usual, looks like he can’t believe what he humped his way into.

“Don’t look now Kroy but I think I see a Black baby over there.”

“That’s Peter! His Depends are just hanging out.”

Cynthia hints at the incident in Africa but neither one wants to go there during the shower. Cynthia decides to leave, after getting upset with Peter for leaving her alone at the table, and Kim follows shortly after. They finally have their big showdown and not too much happens. Kim accuses Cynthia of talking about her, Cynthia says that Kim has talked about her. When Kim asks for specifics, Cynthia can’t provide any. Huh? Cynthia has spent all year yapping about Kim bringing her own wine to her wedding and saying that her marriage would only last a year but now she can’t think of anything. Cynthia initially denies the Black baby comment and then says in her interview that she couldn’t remember what she said. Cynthia apologizes for an unfunny comment, they agree that they aren’t friends anyway and they always talk about each other. Cynthia congratulates Kim on her husband, oops, boyfriend & baby and they part ways. All of that buildup for nothing.Hopefully, this incident is over with forever. I wish they’d condense these shows into 11 episodes and just put the juiciest stuff in there. But we’re still here. So what’d you think?

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