Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap:

The women have finally settled back in to life in Atlanta and are getting back to normal. Normal here means a hate filled anniversary party, embalming a dead body of sorts and bailing a kid out of jail. That’s what I like to do on a Saturday afternoon. I like that and tickling my funny bone so I can get ready to watch this. Some people would call it repeatedly smashing a hammer into my skull but I prefer the former.

Kim is still milking the “Kroy is away and I’m left alone to be a self-sufficient human being” line for all it’s worth. Her father is busy helping her organize the house and getting rid of junk. I can relate to Kim. Really. I can. When I was 22, I had to go to my father’s home and help clean. That was mostly because he died on his couch and his body rotted there for about a month. Yeah, I got to help throw that very same couch out too. Mind you there was no electricity and we had to be out within the week or else we’d have to pay his $2600 rent. Yeah, Kim’s life is hard. Fortunately, she has help in the form of one kooky, networking dad.

 ”Hey, boxy lady. Haha! You like that play on words there. Anyway, if you ever need any help I do investigations, exorcisms, plumbing and Greek dances on the side. I’ll just slide my business card into your slot here.  No pressure.”

Cynthia and Peter are putting the finishing touches on their anniversary party. Peter tells Cynthia that although they are not limo people, he wants them to arrive at the party in a Bentley limo. Cynthia finally seems into some of this outlandish behavior. Oh, and Peter asks to borrow some money for the party. Cynthia wants something small, Peter wants to show off, I want to throw both of them out of a window. How is the international model more practical that the NY born Jamaican? Peter had one other suggestion up his sleeve in case that didn’t work out.

Peter: What do you think about doing a throwback party?
Cynthia: You mean like Old Hollywood? Flapper Style? Cleopatra?
Peter: Since I’m already in my Uncle Ben pose and you’re in a denim dress, I was thinking we could go as Southern sharecroppers from the 1930′s. You know…denim shirts and dresses for everyone. Maybe they could all grab a rake and do stuff in the backyard?
Cynthia: Huh?
Peter: Yeah! Then we can do that new dance the kids love where people bend down, and evenly distribute soil while patting it down with their hands.
Cynthia: Peter…
Peter: Ok, I can’t afford the landscaper. We have to have the party inside.

Kim is at the house getting her hair curled by some new woman. I don’t normally begrudge people spending their money however they see fit, but really? A house call for Kim to basically…sit in the house! I don’t get it but maybe the lady is just a friend that Kim also happens to pay. Kinda like a White Sweetie. Since I can’t recall who she is, White Sweetie is curling Kim’s hair and starts up a convo about life. Kim reveals that Sweetie is running late that day, told Brielle to f*** off, and is generally failing at doing her job. White Sweetie says Sweetie would have been out of her house.

White Sweetie: I’m surprised Sweetie is behaving that way. My great grandpappy wouldn’t have stood for that. She’s acting like a real diva. Make sure none of your stuff goes missing.

OMG, she’s been wearing frosted pink lipstick, whorish rouge and hooker pants! She’s been stealing my stuff!

Mal has gone over to Cynthia’s house to make beaded jewelry. Can someone please tell me if I’ve missed something? Is this a family business or hobby? Never mind. I just googled it. Mal has a company that sells beaded bracelets that are hastily made whilst arguing with one’s sister. The website says that they are tested for durability. I suppose any elastic that can withstand a passive aggressive hatefest between sisters can surely survive being slid over a full figured woman’s cankle.

Cynthia: This one says “Live, Love, Lie About Your Happiness”.

Mal is tired of Cynthia making excuses for Peter being  jerk i.e. he had a hard day at work, she makes him angry sometimes, his ‘roids are inflamed et al…Cynthia also lets her sister know that she is not allowed in their limo the night of the party. At this point, Mal needs to just shut up and get ready to celebrate being right when the marriage implodes. It should involve a Bentley limo cuz that’s what people expect.

At Nene’s house, Bryson is back courtesy of Gregg. He doesn’t have much to say for himself. He stole two razors from Wal Mart and says that he wants to do something with his life but isn’t doing anything to get there. He’s always behaved like this and I’m not quite sure what his problem is. Nene has proven to be a go getter, Gregg did okay for himself to a point…maybe his father’s genes are a little – how do the French say- slow as hell! Poor thing. Poor, weird thing. Remember that time in Season 1 or 2 when he threw a party with 1000 other people and they all put in $1.00? I guess that money had to run out sometime.

“Mom, I’ll never let that happen again. I will never take another mug shot without being prepared. What do you think about this pose?”

Bryson: I knew you’d like it!
Nene: Get your hand out my pocket!

Gregg: Next time you think about committing a crime, put this image of your mother’s boobs in your head. Surely, you’ll pass out from either laughter or horror.
Nene: I hate you Gregg.

It’s time for the big party! Marlo arrives with a White man. Apparently Charles wasn’t rich, pale or stabbable enough so Marlo’s moved back to familiar territory.Nene rejoices in the fact that she also has a White boyfriend. I thought she and John were just business but I guess White is right if Marlo’s doing it. Personally, I don’t get the big deal about this interracial/age thing.Maybe it’s generational or Southern…If I had it my way, I’d date the oldest, richest White man that Anna Nicole, Catherine Zeta Jones and/or Ally McBeal hadn’t already bagged.

Dave: I’m actually the bartender but Marlo threatened me into posing as her date. I’m scared. I actually have pee running down my leg at this very moment. You see my rapidly blinking eyes? That’s Morse code. Please save me.
Marlo: Southern Michael Douglas, shut up before I boil your bunny and add it’s tail to my dress.

Kandi shows up looking amazing. I love her freakin’ body. Yes, she’s just a cheeseburger away but for now she is highly doable in my book. She’s also looking for some buddies.

Kandi: Are you guys accepting applications?
Cynthia: We’re not allowed to discriminate against midgets but…no midgets.
Nene: What about penises? Do you accept penises? I’m having a problem over here. 

Kandi also asks about the availability of single men. Marlo offers to hook her up but says that Kandi wouldn’t be into a White man. Kandi disagrees with that. What vibe is Kandi giving off that everyone thinks she’s hung up on race. Is she secretly a Black Panther? Are her pubes organized into little afros fighting against injustice? Did she vote for Obama?!

Sheree finally heads to the party with Lawrence and tells him about Marlo’s f-word incident. He’s upset because he knows Marlo and is friendly with her. He’s understandably offended that she used an offensive gay slur. He pulls her aside along with Sheree and confronts Marlo about the incident.

Lawrence: I heard you used a gay slur and wore last season’s Chanel bag. Either way, I hate you.

“Lawrence, I’m practically a Disney princess what with my braids and all. I would never use such a word!”

Lawrence: Actually, many of the early Disney cartoons contained offensive stereotypes. Jews, Blacks, Asians and Native Americans were affected and many scenes have since been removed from updated releases. Your behavior, if it is in fact true, was in line with those offenses.

“See? I am a princess!“

Marlo hilariously denies using the f-word. I say hilariously because we are treated to the actual scene of one, Marlo Hampton, calling Sheree ugly and using the very word she has just denied. In her Bravo blog she claims that it wasn’t the right time or place to discuss it and that’s why she denied it. Lawrence clearly did not believe her denial and she assures him that she loves him and her other nameless, unidentified yet always stylish gay friend. It’s strange to see Marlo back down from a fight but I suppose it’d be too much to ask that a woman dressed like a walking birthday cake slice up a dude dressed like a fruitcake in front of a woman who won’t feed her kids cake until she gets a seven figure settlement.

I think this whole party has something to do with Peter and Cynthia so I suppose we should see what’s going on with them. When Mal and mom arrived, they felt the need to tell Cynthia that they were surprised her marriage lasted a year. The mom even said that she thinks Peter is bi-polar. This didn’t sit well with Cynthia for some strange reason. After the drinks came out, everyone except Mal loosened up a bit.

Peter: You lovely ladies wanna pick rice grains out of my beard and see where that leads?
Cynthia: You can’t be serious.
Cynthia’s mom: I’m game!

Sheree has decided to play nice with Kandi but only because she needs a witness to her Marlo story.

Sheree: Isn’t it true that Marlo used the f-word in South Africa?
Kandi: I don’t know if it’s the alcohol but I swear I’m seeing two faces.

Peter makes a toast and acknowledges their friends, family and Mal. That part of me that’s eternally 12 years old found that a little funny. The part of me that’s almost 30 found that knee slapping. I live for idiocy. What a jackass! Peter really needs to act his age and not his bank account. Nene tried to clear the air and invite Mal up on stage but Peter kept taking digs at her. Peter is too damn old for this. He’ll never get the role of Black Mr. Clean if he keeps up this behavior. Although Mal “publicly” humiliated him in the sense that her scheming at the wedding was caught on camera, this is just a desperate attempt for Peter to get back at her in a public way but he just looks stupid. How long can he keep this feud going? He’d actually be better off proving Mal wrong by being a decent human being but he clearly isn’t one. Mal ends up running away and crying. Cynthia’s BFF Kithe comforts her and basically says that everyone knows this marriage is a mistake and they just have to sit back and be prepared to comfort Cynthia in between their chants of “I told you he wasn’t sh*t” that are sure to come. Cynthia yells at Mal, Mal leaves. They’re all wrong in this case. Mal needs to mind her own and Cynthia & Peter should have never gotten married. Wouldn’t that be something? Get Marlo’s old White friend to buy a DeLorean, surely he can afford it, send Cynthia back in time to marry Leon, the hottie, and let Peter and Mal get it on in the back of her K-Car because that is clearly what they want. Right?

Next week, more sister squabbles, Nene’s possible divorce, Sheree’s daughter has news and Kim & Kandi’s argument Pt.II.

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