Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap: Baby Shower Blues

Real Housewives hate babies. At least that’s what I’ve surmised after watching these franchises over the years. It seems that every time a baby is born, christened, fed or sold someone starts a fight. The Atlantans are no exception; in fact their brawl is relatively tame compared to the one in NJ. As a matter of fact, I was at The Brownstone a few weeks ago and spotted Al Manzo. I was so tempted to ask if I was in the same room as the Posche Fashion Show but I didn’t want to risk looking like a complete idiot so I left it alone and ate my dry vegetables. And cried. Like Sheree will be doing when she realizes that her 8,000 square foot home is a little beyond her means. 7,999 square feet beyond.

Yes, you read that correctly. Sheree, the most delusional person I know and root for, is building a house in one of the “most desirable” neighborhoods in Atlanta. She arrives in heels and obviously has trouble maneuvering around the site. As far as desirable, I see trees and dirt so unless she’s a serial killer or a Bigfoot hunter, I don’t get the hype. This is Sheree though, she’ll piss on your leg, tell you it’s Pee by Sheree and take you to court to pay for it. This doesn’t make sense. Just a year ago she lost her home and Aston Martin yet this year she’s tearing down a perfectly good house and rebuilding another? I guess she had to do it though. As the bathroom is being torn out, the contractor remarks that it’s 1975 architecture. Well! I wish someone had said that earlier. Sheree can’t live in a 35 year old house like some kind of animal! She can, however, live in a 40 year old body and pretend that it didn’t used to have a penis attached.

Sheree has practiced restraint this time around. She notes that she is building a house with necessities only. In case you were wondering what those necessities include, they are a skating rink, lounge, massage room, gym, ballroom and theater. She also wants a library but has the nerve to say out loud and on camera that she doesn’t like to read. Like to read, know how to read – tomato, tomahto. That makes the building easier though. They don’t have to put in bookcases; they can just paint shelves and books on the wall like Beauty and the Beast on Ice.

“I like this area. It’ll be really easy to hide the foreclosure notice behind the trees.”

Next up is Phaedra who has surprised us all by falling in love with her baby and not beating him mercilessly as she assumed she was going to before he was born. Hey, I didn’t say it, she did and Bravo has the clip to prove it. I don’t know how I missed this story but a few months ago, Apollo was stopped by the cops, had a gun put to his head and was questioned in a case of mistaken identity. As everyone knows, he is an ex-con and that hangs over his head. Someone called Phaedra to tell her what happened and she called Apollo. He proceeded to lie to her and said that he was at work and everything was fine. Reasons ex-cons shouldn’t lie: you’re an ex-con! Whatever trust they might have had was definitely brought into question after that. There were pictures of him on the highway! The pictures included his candy apple red car which was about to match perfectly with his candy apple red ass. You know…on account of all the ass raping in jail. Luckily, it was all a misunderstanding and he was released but the cloud was still hovering over them.

A proper Southern woman always checks her baby’s food first to make sure that her jailbird husband didn’t poison it.

Apollo is seriously uptight this season and Phaedra already mentioned that they’re not having enough sex. He feels that she shouldn’t have talked to anyone about the situation and that he already has to deal with the world being against him so he doesn’t need her to be against him too. That would have been a great line except she got a call that her husband had a gun to his head and was stopped by the cops! What would anyone say or do in that moment? When it all comes down to it,  I think he saw an opportunity in her and she saw eye candy in him. They were both caught up in boning and now he’s stuck. She’s probably still excited that she landed a man at all. It’s not that I think Phaedra couldn’t get a man, but what high profile attorney would marry a felon after only being together a few weeks? There’s something weird there.

“One night without protection. One night and I’m stuck!”

Cynthia officially needs to be replaced by Leon. He’s easy on the eyes, successful and seems to get along better with Peter than her.

Noelle: Mommy, what are they doing?
Cynthia: Just starting a fire for the dinner tonight.

Leon, who is the voice of reason and so damn easy on the eyes, asks Peter what his next business venture is. Peter tells him that he’s opening another bar because that’s what he knows best. That’s right Peter! No one can run a bar into the ground like you! Leon asks if Cynthia is involved this time but she insists that she isn’t. She just came up with the name, and secretly sold Peter’s body to science to finance the entire venture. Then Leon asks about Peter’s relationship with Cynthia’s family. He tells Peter that he’s married the family too and Peter insists that he has not. He also shares that he is not good at partnerships. Oy vey. Cynythia wisely takes Noelle into the other room for ice cream.

Noelle: Why don’t we share out of this cup?
Cynthia: No thanks, I’m stressed. I’ll be using the platter to my left.
Noelle: But won’t you gain weight?
Cynthia: No, honey. I think it’s time you learned about a model’s best friend.
Noelle: Photoshop? Spanx? Exer-
Cynthia: It’s bulimia dammit! Bulimia!

Kim and Sheree meet for lunch for no other reason than to highlight the fact that neither of them work and to give them an opportunity to out-brag each other. Sheree, once again, shows up in heels and has a hard time walking through the pebble pit that leads to the table. Kim watches her struggle.

“Man, this is great. I can’t drink, gotta get my kicks somehow. I’m putting a Double Dare physical challenge at the entrance of my baby shower”

The two ladies, and I use that term begrudgingly, are discussing their new homes and the baby shower. Kim’s house is 17,000 square feet and she’ll be having 130 guests at the baby shower. Sheree’s is 8,000 square feet and she’ll have 130 collectors calling to seize her assets. Kim wishes her luck but I know she’s secretly smirking at the thought that even if Kroy’s money dries up she won’t be saddled with the bills. And let me guess, Sheree wants a new house because old houses skeeve her out. Where have we heard that before?

The Bankruptus Giudicus: Mammal obsessed with cleansiness and not paying bills

Poor Nene is relegated to one scene and one commercial snippet this week because she hasn’t played nice with the other girls. They choose to show her warm side. She talks to her youngest son Brent about the separation and he says that he wants his parents together. Poor kid. I think Nene has gotten a taste of fame and a truckload of surgery and she’s finally feeling really good about herself. She probably wants to get a taste of the other stuff out there but really loves Gregg. Gregg arrives at the house, he and Nene obviously have some affection for each other and she tells him to step it up because he’s the boring parent. He says that he’s going to take Brent to a car show and the movies and I wanna tear up just a little. Damn these hormones for making me resemble a human being! I need a Nene fix, stat!

“I still like your daddy but you need to know..!”

“…and I’m serious about this..”

“…I am very rich!”

What baby shower would be complete without overpriced presents? Kim’s! More on that later. Kandi and Phaedra are looking for presents and Kandi brings up the Apollo/cop incident. Phaedra glosses over it and says that she’d rather not discuss it. Apollo has probably refused to pleasure her if she repeats the story again.

“You don’t need him girl. I have a vibrator that’s implanted in your arm. Look how fast it goes!”

Phaedra mentions that she’s not so crazy about Cynthia because she has been mean to her and then brings up a magazine interview that Peter did. It turns out that Peter AKA Papa Smurf AKA Uncle Ben said negative things about all of the housewives except Kandi. I actually read that article a while ago and he did call her soft for letting Kim keep all the money from their song. We should all be as hard and shady as Peter and steal all of the money from a business venture. Kandi explains that he never really got over the comment about her wanting a “clean man” who didn’t have a bunch of kids all over the place. While I see how he could be offended, she said that without knowing that he was in fact, Papa Smurf. I think Kandi was empathetic to that too because her ex-fiance had a bunch of kids all over the place. Phaedra doesn’t see the big deal. She’s getting real good at anatomy too. She lets us know that opinions are like anuses; they’re all waiting to be ripped apart.

Once again, the episode ends with some Kim related party. She’s getting ready for the shower at her house and her youngest, Arianna, comes bounding down the steps with…I…can’t…figure it out. She looked like she was going to a midget trucker prom where everyone wears flared, sequined jeans and talks about how they could’ve been a doctor but they wouldn’t trade anything for the thrill of the open road. I just don’t get it. And I’m not making fun of the kid’s looks, bless her heart, just the outfit and hair. I swore she was wearing a wig as a joke, but maybe it was her hair. Brielle actually looks really nice but I notice that her hair has definitely been dyed a lot over the seasons. That can not be healthy and I’m wondering if that’s the reason behind Kim’s wigs. Remember when she tried to claim it was cancer and she got pwned when Lisa mentioned that it’s chemo and not cancer that causes hair loss. Sob story fail!

At the shower, we get to meet some of Kroy’s family and see Kim’s parents which is always a treat? Her father slips Phaedra his business card. Apparently he works with attorneys, is strong as a bull and reliable. I don’t know what that means but it sounds communicable. Phaedra takes his card but I’m sure she threw it out since it smells like canned food. The new family to be thanks their guests for attending and Kroy is finally starting to realize that there’s no stopping this train.

“I’m really scared. Please don’t let them take me home.”

Sweetie makes another appearance this episode as chief picture holder.

“She’s going for Bella and Edward from Twilight. I get to play Jacob since I’m hairy. I don’t get paid enough for this.”

What happened to Kim’s opinion of baby showers? Last season, she said that Phaedra was over the top but having life size portraits, some nude, 130 guests and a cake that even Brielle can’t finish defines over the top! This was not lost on Phaedra who noted the similarities in both tacky ass showers.

And last but not least, Apollo and Peter. It all started off innocently enough. Peter and Cynthia showed up to the baby shower five hours late and, as Kim stated, without a present. Before you go lamenting the fact that Kim’s baby will be one light bulb short of an Easy Bake oven, you must remember that Kim did not bring a present to Cynthia’s wedding. Bitch. Cynthia’s spite has suddenly made her hotter. The only problem is she didn’t say this in the episode where it would have been gleefully entertaining, but on her Bravo blog. Kandi is the only person speaking to Peter and when he invites her to the opening of his new bar, Phaedra interjects the she would not be invited because he doesn’t like her. Peter asks where she got that from and she mentions the interview he did. Then she mentions that he said Sheree wasn’t cute. Sheree claims that it didn’t bother her because she knows she’s cute. Peter asks “you sure about that?” Yikes! What is up his ass? He starts trouble everywhere he goes. I’m guessing repressed sexuality because he asks Lawrence if he’s wearing heels. That’s like asking Sheree if she tucked before she left the house. Duh! Most likely. And now we’re both turned on.

Apollo jumped to Phaedra’s defense because he knew he’d never hear the end of it if he didn’t. She didn’t try to stop him because she was secretly hoping that Apollo would be so filled with hate that he’d bang the bag out of her later. Peter, who is also a body language interpreter, notes that Apollo was rubbing his hands together and that means that there is a problem. And then it went from there…

Apollo: You have a problem with my family? Address it with me!
Peter: What’d you say?
Apollo: Come see me. We can handle this problem right here!
Peter: What’s that now?
Apollo: You too old folk. You too old!
Peter: I can’t hear you. I’m hard of hearing in one ear.
Apollo: No kidding! My uncle had that happen, turns out it was wax.
Peter: No way!
Apollo: Yes, he got a home irrigation kit. One treatment and he was fine.
Peter: Thank you so much for that.

Phaedra wasn’t satisfied with that and sent Apollo back in for more. He yelled at Peter some more, Peter yelled back at him and the argument consisted of the same five phrases or so. You’re too old, bring it, get your money up, it’s been broughten and back down. It was all very amusing…and scary when the cops showed up. It killed the mood. We were in for some good old fashioned trashy reality TV fun and then they tried to make it really real. Epic Fail as Sheree would say, three years too late. Peter and Cynthia rushed out, Apollo and Phaedra took a picture with a sign that said “Winning, duh” and Kim, who was in the bathroom totally not smoking or sneaking in a bottle of wine, reappeared wheezing and tipsy and heard about the ruckus. She wasn’t happy about it but claimed that Kroy has calmed her down so much. If by calmed her down she means saddled her with a mummy wrapped baby, then yes he has. Oh yeah, and during Brielle’s lovely speech she mentioned that Kim is “knocked up”. It does make you question why in the hell a seemingly sweet and normal guy would date/impregnate/talk to a woman who is a little trashy but I guess Kroy is one of the good ones. And by good I mean too damn young to know what he got himself into but young enough to remarry a non-chainsmoking low down monkey with a wig on in about eight years.

Thanks for the comments guys! I tend to be a thread/comment killer so I don’t comment but I read them all and laugh out loud. I hear kids abbreviate that “LOL”. That could be one of those Internet hoaxes though. I’ll Encarta that. What did you think about the episode? I think Phaedra is an excellent addition to the show, her baby has officially convinced me to reproduce and Apollo’s lady voice takes away from his sexiness just a little. Cynthia’s life makes me sad. Nene is in for a tough road if she doesn’t reunite with the rest of the housewives and didn’t Sheree take her son to a used sporting goods store last week? Maybe she bought “new” but anyone who can build a house from the ground up can at least get her kid some Louis Vuitton cleats. After all, Nene’s son had LV luggage.

Winning! Will that phrase still be cool in 7 months?

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