Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap: Bones, Blood and Babies

The housewives are still in Africa and I’m still enjoying this little trip. As someone astutely mentioned in the comments over the last couple of weeks, I’m too lazy to click and find out whom, the girls are at their best when they’re forced together. And I will yet again spare a longer than necessary retelling of the episode and let the girls expressions speak for themselves.

After the women go to the orphanage, they reflect on how privileged they truly are. Finally, they can agree on that and one other thing…

Phaedra looks awesome after 5 glasses of wine.

Marlo interrupts all of their world peace summit to inform the wait staff of her undercooked shrimp. I don’t blame her. Why would Marlo ever let something shriveled up and pink in her mouth if it wasn’t buying her a Chanel bag?

The next day, the women visit a local museum to get a taste of South African culture.

“Is there an old White man I can lay under? It’s been so long I’m almost walking upright!”

The man at the museum discusses his culture and one of the things he mentions is the fact that if he wants a girl, his brother will fetch her immediately. The women are all shocked that the girl would have to go with the man with no choice. Except for Cynthia. It reminded her of home.

Later, the women meet with an herbalist who says that he will tell them about their lives using bones of his ancestors. The women are understandably concerned about being around bones that haven’t made 7 figures and Phaedra even threatens to walk away from the whole exercise. It turns out that the “bones” are actually shells he picked up from the Rag Shop’s bankruptcy sale. He also makes them smell a jar of stuff that he uses in his line of work. The women breathe a pungent sigh of relief until they all end up getting some shocking news from the man.

Sheree: Bravo isn’t paying for the whole trip?!
Phaedra:Everybody knows our per diem ran out two days ago.

“Hand me my prayer cloth and holy water so I can baptize this man and give him a proper name.”

“The shells say you’re all stupid Americans who just smelled a jar of my pee.”

The man tells Sheree that she’ll never marry again because she’s too old. I will personally pay for the herbalist to move to the US if it means he can become a permanent cast member. Haha! Sheree of course stated that he was wrong but everybody knows that shells don’t lie. Or is that hips? Either way, he’s most likely right. He tells Nene that her husband is a good man but she is not happy. He tells Kandi that the man she is living with, whom she says is deceased, is always with her. Creepy! He tells Cynthia that she is happily married, haha! This is what happens when you give a Bravo camera man a dashiki, trash bag & shells and tell him to run with it. Oh, the jar of pee was his personal touch. Nene revisits his assessment and tries to get him to say that she’s only unhappy in her marriage but he will not yield to the power of the celebrity formerly of Celebrity Apprentice who walked off of Celebrity Apprentice. Remember when they wouldn’t stop talking about that in the beginning of the season?

That night, the girls go to Nene and Marlo’s room for a party. They admire all of the latter’s shoes which are on display throughout he suite. Marlo has three pairs of shoes for each day and each pair is more ostentatious than the next. The “smalls” are all amused by it but Sheree smartly observes, away from Marlo, that when going to Africa it’s obnoxious to bring shoes in that quantity that cost that much. The girls start talking sex and as usual Sheree and Nene don’t seem to want to join in that conversation. Kandi and Marlo, however, are relieved to finally flap their gums & labia about sex, sex and more sex! Marlo shows us one of her favorite positions:

Marlo: First I straddle him like this and then…

…I choke him until I get his debit card.

“I’ve been doing it wrong.”

The girls are finally having a good time and getting along until Kandi, who’s been quite the instigator this year, mentions that she felt Marlo was a little materialistic but now…Well we don’t exactly know what she feels now because Marlo flips the hell out to defend her love of fashion. Remember when we thought Marlo was a loud mouthed, materialistic, label obsessed fashion whore? Turns out she was a loud mouthed, materialistic, label obsessed fashion adolescent whore. For reals. She’s been wearing brand names off the street for years. She bleeds fashion! I can’t. Really? I hate hearing that about as much as I hate when people argue iPhones & Droids or the best rapper or when people debate who was the best mother on Diffr’nt Strokes or Fresh Prince. Clearly it’s Droids, Rappin’ Duke, Dixie Carter and Janet Hubert. I bleed pop culture bitches!

The next morning, the girls are supposed to go on another safari but Marlo isn’t feeling well. They think the herbalist might have done something to her.

Marlo: I’ve had nausea, diarrhea and headaches all night. I think it’s the Coco.“
Cynthia: You ate bad cocoa?
Marlo: No. Coco Chanel you vagrant. I’m going through withdrawal.

Marlo: One minute I was dry humping Forbes magazine and bleeding fashion. Next thing you know I was on the floor curled up in my Chanel blanket wearing last season’s Loubotins. Last season’s!

Marlo has to stay behind and Nene volunteers to stay with her. She refuses to see an African doctor which is terrible. If I were Marlo I’d take my chances with the herbalist over Nene. You’re dealing with someone who’d probably smother Marlo immediately after getting her to scrawl out a will leaving  all of her shoes to the mysterious N.L.

Cynthia finds herself in a vehicle with the “smalls” and they seem eager to recruit her to their side. That doesn’t make sense though because she’s tall. I don’t see how that could ever work. Right? They discuss Marlo and I don’t recall exactly what was said but they all agree that she’s over the top with all of her fashion talk. Kandi feels that she and Cynthia are so used to being around money and the industry that they’re not as impressed with that stuff. Cynthia seems to agree with every single thing being said. Then the talk turns to Kim. I don’t necessarily agree that they feel the need to report to her but it is weird how strongly they defend her yet Cynthia can’t ever defend Nene without being called a puppet. In this case, Kandi acts like she has a mind of her own and says that she can’t see Kim on the trip because of Nene and visiting the orphanage. At this point, it seems Cynthia made the infamous comment about Kim holding Black babies. I honestly don’t recall explicitly hearing it. Meanwhile, their tour guide has given up on the women and his career as he hasn’t managed to get their attention at all.

Phaedra: Did our driver just jump out of the car and off the cliff?
Cynthia: I think so but I wish Nene, Peter or Mal was here to tell me what to think & see.
Sheree: I’m going to need a seven figure settlement to recover from this trauma.

Phaedra: Everybody knows my funeral home isn’t open yet! Why didn’t he do this later?
Cynthia: How will we break the news to Nene?
Sheree: A good air mattress would have broken his fall. Now check his pockets for money. Or lint. I need a souvenir for the kids.

The ladies stop for lunch in the wild and Nene pulls up in a vehicle to make sure that Cynthia isn’t being corrupted. They discuss Marlo again and Cynthia suddenly likes Marlo and sees nothing wrong with anything she does. Okay, that was just weird. I have never seen anyone flip so obviously and immediately. It truly was unsettling and gave total credence to what the girls have felt about Cynthia being Nene’s puppet. Nene brushes them off as haters who wish they had what Marlo has. Kandi points out that Nene thought Kim was too materialistic for discussing her labels. True, but if they all spent time pointing out each others’ flaws they’d…have another season of this show.

Nene casually throws out her determination that if she’s the boss of the talls, Kim is boss of the smalls. Say what you want, but this is what reality TV is about. I guess this is why I still don’t hate Nene. I have moments with her but I swear she looked like her goal was to start trouble and she did it. I don’t watch this show for easygoing conversations and suicidal safari drivers. Well, not only for those two things. Someone has to start trouble and besides Nene, Kandi is actually becoming the best source of that nonsense. I wonder sometimes if the producers give each of them a role i.e. this epsiode pull the Kim card, this episode pull the gold digger card and all of the women take turns legitimately  flipping out even though they must know they’re being manipulated by the producers. You know what I mean? Like they all are nudged to start trouble but are truly taken off guard when their card gets pulled.

Anyway, their harmonious time has been ruffled and they head back to their rooms. The smalls decide to call Kim because she’s not their boss and they want to prove it. Sheree steps up to the plate and asserts her individuality by ratting on Kandi within the first 12 seconds of the call. Sheree first confirms that Kim would have gone on the trip if she hadn’t just popped 18 years of child support out of her cooch. Sheree says she knew that but Kandi seemed to think that Kim wouldn’t want to hold Black babies. Kim denies that and Kandi denies it as well. Since the episode aired, this has been a hot topic on the RHOA blogs with all parties weighing in on it. There’s no evidence Kandi said anything, she still can’t see Kim at an orphanage, Sheree insists she’s not lying and Kim says that she would have been fine at the orphanage and doesn’t see color. Considering that Kim had to call in her parents and Sweetie to take care of her own newborn, I’m inclined to say that Kandi’s not that far off base. Lots of parents ask for help, and that’s fine, but she was a little melodramatic about having to take care of the baby considering she’s already had two, she doesn’t work and both of her other baby’s fathers left too. Whatevs. Kandi’s pissed that Sheree threw her under the bus…to the plantation.

Kim: How dare Kandi say that? If it weren’t for Black babies, I’d be ordering my own Taco Bell online right now.

At dinner, the women sit around and prepare to leave Africa behind but Kandi has to get this Black baby thing off her chest. It’s ironic. Marlo once had to get a man who was dressed like a baby off of her chest. He was dead. Kandi asks Cynthia who said what and Cynthia confirms that Kandi never made the Black baby remark. Nene points out and laughs at the fact that the girls called their boss, Kim, to report in and Phaedra laments the fact that their farewell dinner has ended up in another argument. I’d defend their right to call their friend but considering that call consisted of ratting Kandi out for no real purpose other than to curry favor with Kim, there may be some truth to it. Then again, maybe Sheree is just trying to lock in next season’s contract. Either way, I’m looking forward to seeing Kim interrogate Kandi, and find out if Nene used her pizza money to bail her oldest son out of jail. Yikes!

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