Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap: Divorce Is The New Marriage

This week, Cynthia recovers from the anniversary party, Kim and Kandi reconcile and Nene reconsiders divorce. In other words, yawn… Okay, it wasn’t that bad but it left something to be desired. Namely, wig pulling, African babies and/or a slur or two. Nevertheless, we’re treated to more of Nene’s boobs, Kandi’s ass saving and Sheree’s balloon bursting.

Cynthia and Peter discuss the party and he thinks that it was great. He can’t understand why Mal always starts with him because he never starts trouble with her. Cynthia thinks that Mal is either having a mid-life crisis or was drunk. I have come to the conclusion that Cynthia is going to ride this marriage out just to prove everyone wrong. Once they start to like Peter, she’ll drop him faster than Kim would a Black baby. I had to say it. There just isn’t much to go one here.

“She didn’t even compliment my hair. And it was this big!”

Kandi visits Kim with presents and compliments in tow. Kim is talking to her like she’s some high priestess. Since when is Sheree the source of valid and accurate information? Weren’t they literally at each other’s throats a couple of seasons ago? I understand that people change but it’s bizarre that Kim would be so quick to take Sheree’s side. Then again, Kim screwed Kandi out of money for their song and there is nothing better than being guilty of something and finally getting chance to turn the tables.

“If I were racist, would I hire a Black assistant and call her a bitch? Would I be the mistress of a racially ambiguous businessman? Would I have gotten knocked up by three different White men? I screw everyone equally.”

It seems like Kandi is kissing up to her. If I had a good friend who took someone else’s word over mine, especially someone like Sheree, I don’t know that I’d work this hard. I’d probably let her see the video and then make her feel like an idiot. Kandi again says that she couldn’t see Kim in Africa but maintains that she never made the Black baby remark. Kandi saves herself by throwing Cynthia under the Black baby bus. Kim doesn’t apologize for taking Sheree’s word over Kandi’s or stealing Tardy for the Party money, but Kandi doesn’t seem to mind. She rolls over and plays sucker again. I like Kandi and I understand taking the high road but this is just one out of a string of times that she’s been overly accommodating of Kim. I guess there’s something worth saving there but I feel like Kim can’t wait to drop all of these bitches so she can move on with her new life.

Nene goes to her attorney to finish up her divorce but she’s having second thoughts. She’s been with Gregg since she was “young” but feels that she wants someone who is more supportive. She doesn’t sign the papers that day.

“Would one of you fine men like to take my ‘good ol’ ass’ out for dinner?”

“I’m busy that night and all of the other ones.”

Apollo is giving a speech for an organization that encourages young men to be nothing like him. I’m sure he’s an awesome guy but even he knows that getting locked up, marrying the first woman you see out of jail and driving while reading while on camera are all terrible things. He calls Phaedra because he’s nervous and she tells him that in college she was told to imagine everyone naked. Wow, they  really are slower in the South. I remember picking up that tip from Married with Children when I was about 9.  Plus, I’m sure Apollo already knows that trick; he probably imagines other people naked all the time when he’s in bed with Phaedra. His speech goes well although Phaedra claims he doesn’t have her gift of gab. She’s satisfied with the fact that he’s good enough to work at her future funeral home.

Kandi is working on her song that she’s recording with Jo Dee Messina. It’s about money growing on trees. Kandi will need that to become reality as long as she keeps giving away songs. I think Jo Dee is a stand up girl though. I’m sure Kandi will get paid. It might be in the form of cornbread and Bush/Cheney bumper stickers, but she’ll get something.

Sheree visits her oldest daughter Tierra. The big news is that her boyfriend is planning to propose. I would think that this is a natural progression from living together but Sheree thinks that this news is worse than having a fashion show with no fashions. Sheree’s wondering why he hasn’t come to her, asks about her daughter’s bank accounts, tells her that her husband will change and her marriage will end up in the gutter. She adds that the man will completely change once they split up. Most mothers wouldn’t be discussing divorce proceedings before wedding planning but this is Divorce by Divorcee; it’s never too early to get that money. Sheree says that she needs to have a talk with the boyfriend, Damon, before anything happens.

“Bye honey. I’m off to ruin another relationship now.”

Mal visits Cynthia at the agency and apologizes for what happened at the party. The apology doesn’t get too far because she immediately launches into what she hates about Peter. To her credit, she tells Cynthia that her issues are based on what Cynthia has told her. Ugh, that’s so true. I hate when people tell all of their relationship business but get mad when you take a stand based on that info. Cynthia tells Mal to focus on her own marriage, tells her that she doesn’t like her very much and has her leave. To emphasize how sad that is, Mal drags her travel suitcase out with her because she is leaving for Paris. Yet another recycled The Hills plot line. Why did Mal bring her bag inside? Is that her only luggage? Was she taking cabs all over town? Was she selling elastic bracelets out of it? Weird.

Phaedra has a birthday party at a water park two hours away from Atlanta. Sheree is the only housewife that shows up for some reason. I suppose we’re to assume that this is real time and Kandi is in Nashville with Jo Dee and Kim isn’t showing up as usual which is exactly what Kandi was trying to say about Africa. Sheree has the line of the night when she says of Dwight’s appearance, that he has on a suit (in 100 degree weather), a face full of makeup and her natural conclusion is that Phaedra has raised from the dead. Sheree proceeds to complain about every single thing. The water park is too far, no one else is there, she needs a cocktail, Phaedra is running late and this is too excessive for a one year old’s birthday party. She has a point. The only thing more ridiculous would be to have a poet read a poem about how wonderful he is. Or have a fight with a party planner on TV? Or seriously expect a helicopter when you’ve lost several houses and cars. No one is that ridiculous. What is it with this season and one year parties that half the cast hates? Anyway, since Ayden is Atlanta royalty according to Phaedra, she spares no expense on the party. She has four party planners yet the water park still looks like a 16 year old on meth decorated it. I guess the expense was putting Ayden’s name on everything.

Paper banner on the side of a bus: $12.87

A bag of everyone’s least favorite jelly bean besides the black ones: $1.41 on clearance

Apollo shirtless next to his grandmother: Priceless

Marlo visits Lawrence to explain her f-bomb. She advises that she backpedaled when he initially asked her about it but she admits that she used it. She never really apologized though, at least not on camera, and then said that she won’t say the f-word unless it’s to someone she doesn’t like. Introducing: Marlo Logic. At least she’s saying it to his face but that won’t curry any favor on this network. When my boyfriend comes over he actually asks if we can not “watch Bravo” due to it’s Bravo-ness. I’m sure she’ll get grilled by Andy at the reunion IF she’s invited.The scene was valuable; we learned that a Chanel bag will entitle you to call Lawrence anything and I discovered that my new goal in life is to be called a “Judy” by a gay man.

Sheree and Damon, Tierra’s boyfriend, have their meeting. He reveals that he’s already talked to Bob, Tierra’s stepfather and Sheree’s “nasty” ex-husband. Sheree is of course offended because Bob isn’t even her daughter’s biological father. Sheree is officially the Vicki Gunvalson of this show. She takes her daughter’s situation, rains all over it and makes it about her. Sheree feels that she gave birth to Tierra and she deserves top notch billing. Damon reveals the real motivation behind talking to Bob; he expects Bob to pay for the wedding since he’s the father. Fathers paying for weddings went out the window with, well, fathers. Unless you’re cashing Trump checks, that sh*t is dunzo.

Sheree asks why he knows her daughter is the one and he says it’s because she’s the most caring person he knows. Read: she doesn’t care what he does, always forgives him and has tricked her into thinking he’s the one. Am I a jerk? Okay, I know I am. I just can’t see myself marrying a guy who tells my mother he’s been meaning to “get up” with her, admits that he wants his wedding paid for, and says that he’s worried about her coming from a broken home. Sheree launches into her speech about how bad things can and most assuredly will be in this marriage. Damon is confident that based on Sheree’s mom and Sheree’s personalities, he has nothing to worry about. Someone please get this kid RHOA seasons 1-3 on DVD, special highlight on the Sheree wants a helicopter episode. She offers to go shopping for a ring since he says that he’s only looking for style, not color and clarity. This kid is clueless. I’m worried for him.

Kandi goes to Jo Dee’s house and the song is recorded. Kandi feels out of her comfort zone because there aren’t many Black people in country music. I’m uncomfortable for her. I hope she has her NAACP card with her. The song sounds pretty decent. They’re going to perform this song in a small club and Kandi is nervous. For some reason, when the crowd is small enough to see where her Black baby came from, she gets uptight.

Nene goes to a therapist to determine what to do about her marriage. Nene wants to be happy but she can’t because she wakes up and doesn’t know who she is.

“I barely know who you are. What the hell did you do to your face?”

Nene is in that phase that so many women 18 and up are in these days; it’s the “I deserve…” phase. It’s a bit of an obnoxious trait that I see nowadays. People are so obsessed with their own “deserved” happiness that they forget who helped put them there, what it takes to stay there and their own role in it. It seems fun to be single now but if and when the cameras go off, the money dries up and her boobs touch more pavement than Marlo’s knees at a Friar’s Club meeting, Gregg is probably going to look more and more appealing. Nene decides to hold off on signing the papers.

Kandi arrives at the country music club and is shocked that there is already a line outside. This is Nashville, not Atlanta. People show up on time for events. They perform their song and it goes well. I actually think Kandi may do okay with writing country songs; I’d rather watch this than see her try to put out another album.

Next week, Ayden gets baptized, Kroy gets home, Sheree talks her future son-in-law into debt and Cynthia & Kim talk over Black Baby: The Storyline that won’t Die.

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