Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap: Grand Opening, Grand Closing

I fell into a coma. Forgiven? Mmmkay. So a couple of episodes ago,  Sheree felt that Phaedra dropped the scripted ball on her court case, Kandi interviewed Marlo who claims her money solely comes from God and Kim’s father made inappropriate jokes about her breasts. Phaedra’s employee chased Sheree around Atlanta for a retainer fee. Bob files a petition for contempt and that stalls the entire process. Sheree is disappointed that Phaedra didn’t have a retort for this and claims that Phaedra was outsmarted by an ex-football player although I beg to differ. Bob is clearly consulting with an attorney. There’s no way that a man who clicks his heels and blows raspberries in a court hallway isn’t getting  a little extra help. From what I’ve heard, Sheree’s money woes are the result of her taking Bob’s furniture, light fixtures and letting their house go into foreclosure. She actually owes him money and that’s why he isn’t paying child support. That’s what the blogs say anyway. It’s a flustercuck.

Phaedra meets with Sheree who can afford Starbucks but can not feed her kids. Sheree felt that the hearing went in Bob’s favor but Phaedra says it went well; the contempt filing was a stall tactic. Sheree thinks that when it’s all said and done she will only get $100 or so and doesn’t feel her children are worth it the effort. That won’t even get her a Coach bag! Phaedra is offended that Sheree belittled her efforts. Phaedra notes that she didn’t get paid until 3:30 the day before the hearing but Sheree says that that’s when Phaedra asked for it. I’m unclear as to whether Phaedra is making an excuse and trying to hold the broke cloud over Sheree or if Sheree is backing Phaedra into shutting up about her business. Phaedra ends up returning the check because their friendship is too valuable to lose over her children and their swollen infomercial bellies.

“Sheree, put my phone and glasses back in my pocket. Thanks.”

Cynthia and Peter are meeting at Bar One to do a photo shoot and the jackasses at Bravo feel the need to always play sirens when they shoot scenes at his bar. I’ve done my research and I hear that the area is not the hood but I will need to take a trip down there to investigate. Anyone wanna take up a collection for the Bar One field trip? I hear they have RHOA viewing parties on Sunday night!! We can do the fundraiser or you guys can just pay for me. I’m not picky. While Cynthia gets her makeup done for this “power couple” photo shoot , she asks Peter to call her sister regarding invitations to her agency opening and he refuses on the grounds that it’s her business and she should be handling everything. He claims that he’s hard on her because nothing was ever given to him. Hello! The bitch is 44! Lesson learning is over, along with her fertility, so he needs to just do what Tyra’s mother asks. He ends up calling Mal because he realizes he may need to borrow money soon and delivers Cynthia’s message which kinda goes like this: “You and your sister fucked up”. He says that the invitations should have gone out last night to reach the guests on time. What better way to make up with your sister in law than greeting her with an obnoxious, belittling message!

Power Couple #1: No one runs a marriage, family, finances or television show into a ground with as much power & zeal as these two.

Kandi has a new angle, country music. So she’s basically recycling Kim’s season 1 and 2 plotline, no? Please don’t regress Kandi. It’s hard for her to find a place in the industry as an artist and song writing is a more forgiving and sometimes profitable part of it. Her manager tells her to stop giving away songs to people, and I use that term loosely, like Lawrence and Kim. Kandi agrees and says she wants to be the Venus and Serena of country music. She’s got the ass so all she needs is the booty shorts and we’re 99.9% done.

Kandi: How do I become a country star?
Jo Dee: Buy a pickup, cover it with anti-Obama bumper stickers, drink a bottle of whiskey and hope you wake up White.

Kim is moving into her new house and is having all of the furniture moved out of the townhouse so it can be set up by that evening. She harasses Brielle a little bit about not changing KJ’s diaper. Relax Kim! Brielle has a whole two more years before she has to start changing her own kid’s diapers. Let her be a kid! Kim’s cursing up a storm as the movers move her ostentatious furniture out of her townhouse. Apparently Kim has a wall in her house that people were allowed to sign when they visited. They look at each signature and recall good times with those people. Brielle notes that Nene signed her name but she crossed it out and wrote “Moose” over it. Say what you want about Nene, but my mother would have slapped me til I was as blue as La Famiglia’s creepy pizza man’s balls if I ever disrespected an adult like that. This is just part of what I don’t like about her. Her kids actually do seem okay but what kind of example is she setting with her general trashiness. Plus, why does she always talk down to people working for her? Calling Kendra “bitch” and yelling at the movers…it’s just all a little plantation-y to me. Oh, and this is Kim’s car on the way to the new house.

In case you were wondering, yes. Arianna and Brielle are strapped to the hood of the truck.

Her designer, Kendra, has managed to get the house in order in time for the family’s arrival. The house is filled with pictures of Kim’s old and new faces . They’re even in the study, the inclusion of which is utterly laughable in a Zolciak dominated household. It’s not nearly as laughable as KJ’s nursery. Rock star? Really? What happened to teddy bears, giraffes and bunnies? Kim might as well plaster his walls with listings of rehab facilities and the Mayo Clinic STD index now. The decor is okay I guess but not really my idea of an infant’s room. Ariana’s room looks like every childhood fantasy I’ve ever had. Brielle’s room is nice too; it’s “Hollywood” style. I always wondered who the Kardashian fans were. Well, one day at Bed Bath and Beyond, I saw a teenage girl pick up a Kardashian calendar and ask her mom to buy it. Mystery solved but then the mother complied, proceeded to drop something and the daughter yelled at her for being stupid. “Hollywood” style. Kroy is low key as usual and says nothing much. She says he better stay with the Falcons because she’s not moving again. In other words, I will leave your ass the day you’re not in the NFL. She also pumps while driving the girls in the car and allows Brielle to steer. She’s a regular Dr. Spock.

Cynthia is getting ready for her event and there’s a problem with the CD player. I know what the problem is. It’s not a fucking iPod deck. Why open a new business and use 1990 technology? I mean sure a CD player is still okay but every business should have an iPod dock/speaker. Cynthia thinks that no one will show up because she only received 3 RSVP. First of all, the cast is going so just stop it Tyra’s mom! Secondly, they could probably gather up a bunch of people and shove them into a room with no problem.It’s Atlanta! According to Cynthia, they’re unsophisticated so they’re pretty much a shoo in for her event. Mal tries to comfort the bawling broad by getting in her face and demanding to know why she’s crying all the damn time. She says she’s just stressed. Why are neither of them figuring this out? It’s called peri menopause. And to think, poor Peter is getting blamed for nature’s temper tantrum.

If Cynthia personally helped to put Bar One together then I get it. If not, build a bridge over the pool and get over it. And then jump off it. For reals. The rest of the gang shows up and Phaedra, money making mouth Parks says that it’s great Cynthia’s going to trick girls into paying her money to become models and boost their self esteem so they can go to school and become doctors and lawyers. She is the best thing to happen to this show since Tardy for the Party. Sheree walks in and immediately complains that she’s sweating and Cynthia and Peter need to have the a/c on if they’re going to have events in Atlanta. Here’s a tip, it’s a hot flash bitch. Get a fan and some estrogen and stop outing your old ass.

Apollo: Are you sure you want that fan directly on you Sheree? You’re starting to look like that guy in the Maxell commercials.

Kim gets there and she immediately notes that she’s claustrophobic in a little dig at the size of the agency. Marlo, the new chick, is there and Kim rhetorically asks who sleeps with wealthy men to get nice things? Is that supposed to be self deprecating or is she just that unaware? I refuse to believe the latter but the former isn’t working for her either. She just looks stuck up and normally I’d commend someone for moving past all of this pettiness but she’s a hooker who lucked out so I don’t have a lot of respect for that. If she owned it I would but clearly she believes she earned this cushy life in some kind of way. Nene shows up and there’s tension because she and Kim haven’t seen each other in nearly a year. They simply ignore each other so there was no big payoff.

The one treat we get is Marlo bringing up the incident in which KAndi questioned where she gets her money from. Marlo claims her money is from God and none of the girls believe that. Marlo stomps all over Kandi and tells her that she heard Kandi is a big momma who spends her money on men. Kandi never really answers which is funny because she claimns to be so open about everything. She just says that if Marlo didn’t want to answer the original question she should have said that. As she’s saying this Kandi seems to realize, like everyone else is, that Marlo’s saying it came from God was her way of not answering it.

The money’s from God; the deep voice, man hands and questionable bulge is from…well…Him too.

Marlo keeps saying that Kandi asked if Marlo had a Big Poppa when Kandi never used that phrase. Kim is fed up with hearing about Big Poppa being brought up although she just moved his furniture into her house with her new man. Yeah. Kim leaves and although I get where she’s coming from I getting tired of people claiming to be above the BS when they are just as much a part of it as anyone else. It just so happens that she’s missing out this season and I suppose if the plot doesn’t fit her then she doesn’t want any part of it.

Kroy: Honey, close your mouth. When they say Big Poppa you don’t have to assume the position. Plus I think you’re being very generous; I’ve seen his feet.

Cynthia decides to thank everyone at the opening and calls her sister up first, then her mother and then Peter…who is no longer there. Phaedra picks that moment to tell Apollo that she loves him. I suppose it’s too highlight the fact that she has a man that would never leave her but that’s just because he hasn’t siphoned enough money out of her accounts to make it on his own.

“Peter? Is my darling husband Peter here?”

“Nope! He’s at my house polishing my Grammy Awards and cooking me Jamaican food. I actually bought him for $40,0000.”

“I love you Apollo.”
“Not now Phaedra! I’m watching Cynthia lose her shit.”

Next time, Cynthia confronts Peter, Kim exercises and Kandi sings. Nene and Marlo also have lunch but from what I’ve heard the fireworks that the producers expected didn’t really occur. In fact the two of them get along rather well these days. So what did you think? I’m still trying to get a grasp on where my incredibly strong dislike of Kim stems from. Will Cynthia ever be happy? Will I ever get to Bar One to conduct my investigation?! *hint hint* Love ya lots! And by lots I mean vacant lots which is what the Bailey Agency will become when Cynthia divorces Peter and hightails it back to New York.