Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap: Jingle Balls

OMG! Did you see what happened on Real Housewives of Atlanta? Me neither. I fell asleep about 5 seconds after Cynthia started speaking. Luckily I found an interpretive dance online that played out the entire episode so I’ve got the goods. If you can call them “goods”. Some nasty stuff went down this week. Namely, this:

Kim trying to understand what gravity is doing to her face.

Phaedra pays Kim, The Godfather of this season, a visit and begs for forgiveness for her husband’s behavior at the shower. It was really more like her apologizing for Peter, a crazed New Yorker, getting her hot tempered felon husband too worked up to control himself.

“I don’t why the South had to join the Union. Those damn yankees.”

Kim says, not to Phaedra’s face of course, that the next time she will keep ex cons and assholes off the guest list. I guess it was supposed to be a funny quotable line but then she wouldn’t be able to attend her own shower. How dreadful! A baby shower with no baby. Kim accepts Phaedra’s apology because she came with a gift. She doesn’t appreciate the gift-less Cynthia not calling to make amends with her and can’t believe that they showed up at the very end. She also says that Peter’s too old to fight at a baby shower but I think she’s too old to go tit for tat over people bringing presents to parties. Kim said on her blog last week that she gave Cynthia and Peter a card with money in it for their wedding because she knew they could use it. That was a dumb move. Peter probably took the money, purchased a bar and ran it into the ground before the reception was over. Either that or she’s a liar. Obviously cash can not be traced so she can claim whatever she’d like. We’re talking about someone who brought her own bottle of wine with her.

The talk turns to childbirth and Phaedra says that she  was crazier than a vampire in sunlight when she had her C-section. I guess that should be quotable too but vampires turn to ash in the sun or glitter like David Bowie according to Stephenie Meyer. Either way they don’t go crazy. I’m being too technical; a true southern belle doesn’t know the ins and outs of vampire tendencies. She probably thinks that she has to put a quarter over her baby’s umbilical- never mind.

Cynthia and her sister Mal show up at Peter’s new bar so they can hash things out. His bravado seems to lessen a bit; it’s like he’s hesitant to confront Mal which is strange for a guy like him. This leads me to believe that they’ve slept together. Either that or he knows who she’s been sleeping with instead of her husband. There’s something weird here. Keep in mind that my opinion is completely unfounded and ill informed.  It turns out the two of them were really close at one point. Whenever he wasn’t getting along with Cynthia he’d complain about his bitch wife to Mal. I don’t like the sound of that at all. Peter’s big issue is that her family is getting into their business but by doing that he put Mal right in the middle of things because you know Cynthia was bitching about him too!

“We’re not mad at each other. We always stand like this.“

Mal explains that Cynthia seemed like she wanted to kill herself in the weeks leading up to the wedding. What a dummy! She’s confusing suicidal for dead behind the eyes. Peter, after hearing that the thought of being joined to him for life made his wife want to die, gets a wee bit defensive and says that it’s Cynthia’s business if she wants to kill herself. Peter says that he had to explain Mal’s behavior to his family. Mal says that she had her sister’s back. Peter thinks she was selfish and it’s starting to get hot in that room! This is the perfect time for Cynthia’s dumb ass to walk in because it was getting “escalated.” Um, hello! Peter was about to go Russell Armstrong on Mal and all but guarantee Cynthia a place on Season 5 but she went and ruined it. Peter leaves, Mal cries.

Kandi, Phaedra and Sheree meet up to check out the location of her 35th birthday party after they compare the size of their butts. Phaedra decides to leave Apollo at home to avoid conflict but Phaedra really did it because of her surprise for Kandi. By now we all know that it’s her stripper client Ridickulous. We’ll meet him later. And he’ll meet his penis. With his mouth.

Kandi and Nene go shoe shopping with Derek J, Kim’s hair dresser. Color me mucho confuso. Why is this group together? I imagine that since Kandi and Nene are okay, she has agreed to film with Nene to mix things up this season but Derek? What will Kim think? Will Kim think? Can Kim think? Anyway, Nene instigates a little and asks why she and Kim aren’t having a joint party like they did last year. Kandi says that Kim is pregnant and they also haven’t hung out too much lately. Nene says that Kandi wanted friendship and Kim wanted a hit song. When she asks Derek if he agrees, he just takes a seat and doesn’t answer. Derek J definitely wants more camera time but he’s going to have to start answering questions. It’s weird that he didn’t take Kim’s side; she’s his bread and butter. She’s the mother of two future baldies who’ll need wigs in just a few years. Nene is the bigger person in this scenario as she congratulates Kim profusely. She’s happy that Kroy is not married, Kim doesn’t have to play second fiddle to another woman and she’s managed to have three kids with three men. There should be a trophy for that!

Speaking of the the walking sitcom, Kim’s mammy nurse makes a house call show her what to do with a baby boy. Since Kim has only had girls, she doesn’t know what to do with a penis except getting it drunk enough to do her with no condom. She doesn’t want her kid’s pee pee to have a turtleneck. Nothing like University of Connecticut nursing jargon to get my intellectual juices flowing. The nurse has to explain the circumcision to Km and she asks questions that I think are strange coming from a “nurse”. Even if she’s not a pediatric nurse there are some things one should just know. She keeps saying the word penis the way a fourth grader does because you know, it’s funny-when you’re 10! When the nurse points out the baby’s scrotum, Kim jokingly says to Kroy “just like yours”. Kroy forces a laugh at her immaturity. Maybe it’s my three week PMS talking but that wasn’t funny at all. Likening your son’s scrotum to his dad’s in a joking way is just creepy. Imagine if it was a girl and they were showing how to clean her up and Kroy likened his daughter’s vagina to Kim’s. It’s nasty and it wouldn’t be acceptable. Men’s body parts have been objectified for too long! I need to start a coalition. Women against Male Objectification and I’ll start with having Apollo and Leon making a poster of them shirtless and covered in honey.

Throughout the demo, Kim is cursing,  trying to get laughs, and after the baby is born a glass of wine and a cigarette will complete this awful picture. This was my point last week. Why would an otherwise normal, young, virile guy want an overly loud, plumped lip woman with a married man’s furniture? If he wasn’t so young it’d be different. Then again, maybe this is just what he likes. But at 25? Better yet, why do I care? I think I just don’t like pregnant housewives on TV.

I know who I should care about. Nene! As much as people say they don’t like her she always adds something to the mix. She visits Cynthia while Peter discreetly gets bad news over the phone that a $40,000 investor check has bounced. Meanwhile, Nene and Cynthia try to open a champagne bottle and Cynthia, looking like the innocent wife who will be the victim of a murder suicide once Peter realizes that he can’t get out of debt, lovingly asks him to come open the bottle. He gets off the call and goes out to help. Nene over shares that she and Gregg happened to have sex when she got back from Miami. Then she super over shares the fact that he put it down. He was like a tiger! I’m guessing it’s one of those sad, slow tigers in the cage that people aren’t allowed to view anymore. Peter discusses how upset he still is over the Mal situation. Nene thinks that Cynthia needs to set boundaries with her sister to protect her marriage and Peter heads back into the house to figure out how to jimmy open Cynthia’s purse for some extra seed money.

Sheree’s only story so far is this hole in the ground that’s supposed to become a chateau.  Phaedra goes to the site with her and no work has been done since the last time Sheree was there.  There’s some paperwork hold up and the contractor can’t do anything for three weeks. Phaedra “Miss High Class Attorney Parks” alternately threatens and sexually harasses the contractor. She mentions potentially suing him and then turns around and shows him her donkey booty. She literally turns around and tells him to look at it. If I’m not mistaken, there was an audible neigh in the background and I know it came from Phaedra’s simple self. Neighing is more befitting of Sheree…cuz of her face and all. Did u see Phaedra though? She really looked like she would have done unprotected, nasty, greasy things to the contractor in the swam phole. I think that the meet/impregnate/marry in one month timeline with Apollo makes perfect sense now. She probably sent him freaky letters with lip prints on them while he was in jail. She probably kissed them too.

Back at the “modeling agency”, Cynthia is putting together chairs and has gotten Mal and her husband to help. Mal’s husband plays basketball in France so they live there most of the time. If I were Mal, that man would not be allowed to travel alone. He looks like he was chiseled out of some kind of eye melting stone. He is cute! I think he can do better but whatever. The subject of Peter comes up again and Mal says she refuses to apologize. At the very least I think she should apologize for making him feel bad.  Her husband seems like he wants to stay neutral but he also wants Peter to understand that he’s dealing with a close family. Then Mal brings up Bar One and Cynthia says that she is not supporting it financially. Mal, however, feels the need to harp on this and say that she will be upset if Cynthia gives him money. Cynthia tries to drop the issue but Mal keeps pushing it. Cynthia defends the fact that marriage is about ups and downs and they don’t know what could happen. Mal gives up and says that Cynthia can continue to act like things are “great and lovey”. Another one for the reality show weird quotes list. On Jersey Shore,  JWoww likened a happiness to things being all “cheese and daisies.” Sheree went the organic route and used “cherries and berries” and Mal coins “great and lovey”. I hate them all. Instead of resolving anything, Mal accuses Cynthia of being defensive.

“I’m not defensive. I’m smizing!”

When Cynthia mentions that Mal doesn’t have the perfect marriage, Mal  threatens to curse her out. Just do it dammit! Did they not go to reality school (which really does exist)? At least take a damn improv class! You don’t talk about what you would do or have done, you do it! This is what the show needs! Mal’s husband looks scared to death but lucky for him, the sisters end up cramming everything inside and hatefully try to put a chair together. When it’s clear that they’d all rather be the mop in a rest stop bathroom, they give up on putting the chair together and leave it disassembled. I get the symbolism Andy Cohen. And it touched a great and lovey place. Kroy’s scrotum.

It’s time for Kandi’s party!  The two factions are separated by what looks like a folding table. Nene seems to be enjoying herself to an extent while Sheree and Phaedra keep congratulating themselves on being grown ladies. Derek J is once again racking major Nene time. Maybe he’s a spy? I don’t get why he’s hanging out so much with the other side but I hope it leads to a wig pulling incident. Lawrence, Sheree’s hairdresser, shows up looking like this:

He’s going for Rihanna meets Strawberry Shortbus.

…and Peter compliments him. Did I mention last week that I suspect that Peter has pent up sexual attraction to Apollo? ‘Cause I do. After some stares and not much of anything else, Freaky Phaedra wheels in her gift and it turns out to be Ridickulous, a stripper who can perform oral sex on himself with his rather large penis.

“I can fit it into my mouth. Sideways.”

Someone forgot to tell Kandi’s mother to leave so she does exactly what any grandmother would. She sees him come out, watches some of the “performance”, walks away, then comes back for more, complains about it, points at it, watches it whip round and round, smacks it, flips it, rubs it down and then complains about it loudly after she’d gotten her fill. In case you didn’t see it, he whipped his penis around, stuck it in Kandi’s drink and then put it in his mouth. Nene and Cynthia leave right away because they feel it was nasty. I have to agree but the show was over; I would’ve stayed and sucked that open bar dry.

“Even mine wasn’t that big.”

Male strippers are so gross to me; I’d much rather log time at a female strip club. I love that Nene’s rationale for why she left is that an act like that shouldn’t take place when guests are wearing Versace and Gucci. I think she knows she’s being ridiculous; it’s all part of the act. Nene tells Kandi’s mom, Joyce, that it was all Phaedra’s doing. Joyce, who seems to hate men or fun, keeps yelling at anyone that will listen that the act was “bullsh*t” and “f*cked up”.

“Hey, valet! That was some f%#cked up bulls%$#t! Tell that cashier to turn around and listen to this! Look what it did to my hair. Got me all riled up and sh*t. He got my shirt ruffles all f%#cked up!”

Kandi is confused because her mother is known for snapping stripper g-strings with her mouth most weekends. Phaedra looks like a scared 15 year old who’s about to be grounded. Joyce is pissed and leaves. Kandi feels like a five year old. I so know that feeling. Any parent worth their salt has the distinct ability to make a child, regardless of age, feel like a toddler. I have to say, I have a pet peeve against older people hanging out with younger ones and then throwing a fit when some off the wall sh*t happens. If you can’t take the heat, get from underneath Kim’s wig.

And that’s all folks. What’d you think? Is Mal right or Peter? Was Joyce right? Did you like the stripper? Lemme know!

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