Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap: Kids, Crime, Creepy Italians

Recaps

By L Boogie | Thursday, December 15, 2011 | 5:58 pm | 14 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Featured, Real Housewives of Atlanta, Recaps

At this point do I really need anything more than pictures to explain what happened in this show? With Kroy’s blank stares, Joyce’s scowls, Phaedra’s sex eyes, and Cynthia lulling everyone into a gentle slumber, the pictures pretty much write the recaps.

The big moment this week is Kim giving birth. I have no interest in her this season and actually dislike her but I’m not even sure why. It may be that her friendship and conflicts with Nene made her entertaining and on her own she isn’t. Perhaps it’s the pregnant woman effect. Many people have commented that they hated Phaedra last season but attribute it to her being pregnant and cranky. Maybe Iim goes to the doctor because she has had pre eclampsia and she may have to be induced.  Her doctor’s practice is called Maternal Gynerations and before you go thinking that this is a crafty play on words, remember that this is Atlanta. They probably congratulated themselves on getting the sign at a hefty discount from Bob’s Sign-O-Rama.

Real Housewives of Atlanta 1211 kimKim: I’m glad this mic is here. I’ve written a new song for the baby. It goes: Hurry up baby don’t be late, I’ll meet you at the place, I’ve been waiting for this day-
Kroy: Stop trying to sneak in Tardy for the Party plugs.

Cynthia is prepping for a business trip to NYC.

Real Housewives of Atlanta 1211 cynthia“You’re not worried about me meeting with my slightly younger, infinitely richer ex boyfriend Russell Simmons?”

Real Housewives of Atlanta 1211 PETER“Not at all. I trust you. Plus you’ll put him to sleep before anything can happen.”

Sheree visits the hole that is supposed to become her chateau. She’s there with her mom, the rumored owner of the house. Sheree tells her mom that Bob used Caleigh’s gift card to but groceries when she visited him because he has no money. Sheree is distressed because she remembers what it was like to have a father who wasn’t around. Growing up, she asked for a Speak ‘N Spell every year and never got one. Damn, every year? Don’t the requests stop at some point?

Real Housewives of Atlanta 1211 sheree“I was the only kid at the prom without one.”

In NY, Nene and Cynthia are acting like they have no clue why the other has traveled to NY so we can get some background.

Real Housewives of Atlanta 1211 nene in nyNene: Why are you here again?
Cynthia: I’m meeting with my ex, Russell Simmons.
Nene: Oh, I meant on this show but okay. I heard you used to date him.
Cynthia: Sure did, I slept with a lot of men when I moved to NYC.
Nene: Tell me more, you’re about to get interesting
.Cynthia: Most men I met fell asleep before we could actually have sex so I got lots of beauty rest.
Nene: And we’re back…I’m meeting with the owner of La Famiglia Pizza.
Cynthia: An Italian man? You’ll have to beat him with a stick?
Nene: To keep him away from all this sexiness?
Cynthia: No, to keep him awake. For some reason Italians always fell asleep with me and I’d have to beat them with sticks to keep them conscious.

Back in Atlanta, Phaedra is in court mode and awaiting her client.

Real Housewives of Atlanta 1211 phaedra in court
Looks like the guy behind her is about to get a little redickulous.

Her client appears to be the guy from last season who stopped in her office on a weed charge. I’m not 100% sure but he did start a chant of “superstar lawyer” as he walked into court late and that makes him a hero to me. He told Phaedra that she was supposed to call and wake him up for court. I feel like Phaedra is secretly doing sex to all of her clients. He admits to the judge that he would not pass a drug test if given one today and he claims that the tints he was ticketed for are off his windows. After the judge lets him off with probation and random drug testing, Phaedra collects her fee in cash in the parking lot and notices that his windows are still tinted. Oy vey. There are so many things wrong with this scene that I can’t even begin to point them out.

Real Housewives of Atlanta 1211 phaedra in court with client“Mmmm, keep going baby. A proper Southern woman always checks her client’s tongue size.”

Cynthia meets with Russell who’s busy signing books. I wonder how Cynthia feels about her choice to break up with him. On the one hand, no one wants to stay with a cheater. On the other, if she would’ve married him and had at least one kid, she’d be able to open a modeling school in NYC instead of Atlanta. Actually she could sit on her fat ass and just collect checks from a school with her name on it.

Real Housewives of Atlanta 1211 russell simmons
“I heard you telling people that you dumped me because I cheated on you. So how’d that self respect thing work out for you?”

Real Housewives of Atlanta 1211 cynthia with russell
“I’m so happy! Do you have a closet I could live in?”

Kim is at the hospital in labor.

Real Housewives of Atlanta 1211 kim in labor
“Dear God, please let this baby come out covered in diamonds and dollar bills. Also, let it be a donut. Amen.”

Joyce, Joyce , Joyce…for a woman that was pissed off over a stripper, she sure is wearing very little this week. I think Joyce didn’t like the feelings our stripper friend  ignited in her that night but now she’s ready to embrace that spinning weiner and ride off into the sunset with it.

Real Housewives of Atlanta 1211 joyce in lingerie
Kandi: Momma, you sure you don’t want to wax first.
Joyce: No girl. Men love the natural look. It also blocks the AIDS.

Sheree gets served by Bob! He sends a formal request to have her child support reduced because he’s only making $3,000 a month. Instead of having this conversation outside, she talks to her mom on speakerphone about it in front of her son Kairo. How much worse can this get? It’s bad enough he doesn’t see his kids or support them enough but it’s even worse that she discusses this disregard in front of him. Also, Sheree’s penthouse looks like it could fit into my house twice. And what does she do during the day?! I know she’s making some money off of this show but she needs to do more. Her kids are old enough to be somewhat self-sufficient and she’s not doing them any favors by not earning a living beyond this show and appearances.

Real Housewives of Atlanta 1211 sheree got served
“Kairo, I’m sorry you had to hear that your father doesn’t care whether you live or die. Or eat. Wanna sandwich? I’ll sue your father for one!

Nene meets up with John. I love me some Italian men but John is…well he’s….he’s rich. That’s gotta count for something. He tries to sweet talk Nene by speaking in her “language.”

Real Housewives of Atlanta 1211 nene and john“You look nice today Nene. I mean, you go girl witcho fly self! Mmm hmm, I’m a crazy cracker y’all. Black Power.”

This is the most uncomfortable thing I’ve ever seen and I’ve watched two dogs do it, get stuck together and be hosed down at a funeral. Nene is trying to bite her tongue and is clearly not feeling him but he pulls out an infamous blue box form Tiffany. Inside is an overpriced pen that he wants her to use when she signs her first million dollar deal. He also surprises her with a pair of Loubotins. He also has her serenaded by an old Italian man who supposedly hasn’t sung in nine years. The man sang for the pope, at Pavarotti’s house and for Sophia Loren and came out of retirement for John, the owner of LA Famiglia. I’m not sure if John wanted more or if he just wanted to go over the top with schmoozing for business purposes but it was just horrible. I wouldn’t be opposed to doing him for a nice fee if he could fit his wallet over his head and personality.

Real Housewives of Atlanta 1211 nene can't look
“This is so bizarre. Just imagine his wallets on Peter’s body.”

On the other side of NY, Cynthia meets with her stylist/friend Kithe. He’s lost a ton of weight and is really happy. You know who’s not happy? Cynthia. She says as much when she has dinner with him.

Real Housewives of Atlanta 1211 cynthia at dinnerKithe: How’s it going in Atlanta?
Cynthia: It’s amazing! I don’t miss the caviar, opera and world renowned restaurants in NYC. In Atlanta, we eat a lot of pork products, the sweet tea flows like nectar from the heavens and they just opened a new Waldenbooks 47 miles from our house.
Kithe: Tell me the truth Cynthia.

Real Housewives of Atlanta 1211 cynthia at dinner 2“I drink a lot.”

Back at the hospital, Kim is stil in labor. If you recall, I mentioned last week or so that Sweetie has reportedly been fired. I think this was the beginning of the end.

Real Housewives of Atlanta 1211 kim making choicesKim: KJ’s almost here and ummm, things are getting a little crowded and ummm, someone’s gotta go. And ummm, well, most of us are related now so ummm, I think it’s gonna be the one who wears too much makeup and is a slave.

Cynthia and Nene hang out in NYC and her friend Kithe let’s us know that Cynthia was spicy back in the day. She’d introduce herself as a model and c*nt all in one breath to her gay friends. Wow, hard to believe that there was some of that bubbling just under the surface. Let’s take up a collection and pay to have Cynthia move back to NYC and join the NY cast.

Real Housewives of Atlanta 1211 cynthia rich girl“I’m a c*nt, I’m a c*nt! Did you guys tell Peter my nickname? That’s how he introduces me at the bank.”

Next thing you know, there’s a baby crying and Kim is holding little Jackpot AKA Kroy Jagger Biermann in her arms. I’m surprised that they didn’t show more of the labor but I guess some things are sacred – and being sold to the highest bidder on eBay. The happy family gathers round to celebrate the fact that they’ve locked in child support for 18 years and Kim can get back to drinking so she can be a drunk bitch – that way they can hit her when she pisses them off.

Real Housewives of Atlanta 1211 kroy“I’ll never use Italian condoms again.”

Not too much going on this week so Bravo threw us another episode just two days later. All I know is Phaedra gets caught off guard by Bob Whitfield and I can’t wait to see how he outwitted her. What’d you think about John? Would NYC make Cynthia more interesting? And is Phaedra’s client going to go to jail for perjury with those still tinted windows?

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14 Comments

  1. 1
    Moli Moli
    Posted December 15, 2011 at 6:49 pm

    Oh yes in the 80′s we had The AIDS

  2. 2
    Moli Moli
    Posted December 15, 2011 at 7:14 pm

    This is my first season watching this show, after experiencing NeNe on Celebrity Apprentice. Loved how she chumped StarICan’tStandJones. I watched last season online and knew I was going to have something to what I thought I would equate to Bad Girls Club 20 years later. I got what I asked for and couldn’t wait for this season to start WHAT.A.DISAPPOINTMENT. Phaedra appears to be the only interesting cast member. NeNe date was one of the most uncomfortable things to watch, I have to hand it to her for not saying anything about his horribly White impression of a television version of a Black woman. It is obvious now Cynthia USE to be a human with a personality…dare I say even a fun person. Atlanta must have sucked her soul or maybe Peter by sucking her pockets. While in NYC she had so much life, she had a sparkle in her eye. Even when she sat down with NeNe to discuss what each other planned for their trips, she was so animated. I have to say I will donate to the moved Cynthia to NY fund.

  3. 3
    kthxbai
    Posted December 16, 2011 at 5:25 am

    Sheree’s sad childhood story about the Speak n Spell taught me that it’s possible to ROFL and facepalm at the same time.

    But the more you think about it, it does explain a lot.

    In the lower left hand corner of the Cynthia and Nene The Wildebeeste transcript pic, is it just me or does that high end decor accent seem repellent in a vaguely disturbing sort of way?

    Re-ROFL @ “Also, let it be a donut.”

    I was actually kind of worried about Kim stopping at the Krispy Kreme on the way to get her labor induced.

    I haven’t had any babies but I always thought anytime the dr sends you to the hospital you’re not supposed to eat on the ride there in case they have to do anything that makes you throw up in your lungs and die or something.

    Stuff like “It also blocks the AIDS” are why I put in a zero tolerance policy for having any food or beverages in the room with me any time I click TVGasm for any reason.

    I was so glad Mama Joyce got her replacement hormones adjusted and is a better mood.

    But just when I was thinking the photos Kandi took ended up looking pretty good, I remembered it wasn’t so Riley and her cousins nice pics of their grandma but to put up on 1 of those online dating sites for spicy seniors.

    Which might’ve seemed creepy but then they had that lunch with Nene The Wildebeeste and the Famous Famiglia dude (he’s Albanian and not Italian, btw) which has got to win every Creepiest TV Scene Ever prize in the world.

    Now there’s gossip sites saying she’s really dating him.

    Which might be true because there’s also business sites saying he’s super rich.

  4. 4
    Moli Moli
    Posted December 16, 2011 at 5:58 am

    Bob is suppose to pay Sheree 2142.87 per month in child support I did the math 2142.87 x 48 months is 102857.76. Sheree owes Bob 400000 from the money she defrauded him out of in 2009, not only that she caused him to lose all equity as a result of her allowing the home to be foreclosed on. That home was suppose to be sold but she stayed in the home for over a year never paying the mortgage, so he had to take that horrible lost since it was reportedly worth 2.6 million. I understand why he acts the way he does towards her. At this point I understand why she didn’t go after him for all this time. She would have to pay him 297142.24 of money she still owes him

  5. 5
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted December 16, 2011 at 8:39 am

    Nice Moli! She knew she was being a snake! Why isn’t that woman working? Why isn’t he? I got a secret…my Dad played for the Falcons back in the 70′s. Now, that was before the big bucks came in but, he still gets his NFL pension. It isn’t enough to cover all his living expenses but, he knew that so he went out and worked once he retired from the NFL like a respectable man does. Why the hell these two idiots aren’t working is beyond me. They need to get over themselves and get a real job for those kids and stop trying to one up each other.

    I guess that’s why I love this franchise, I relate to it well. Every time I got back to the ATL I get a little nostalgic. Plus my favorite steak house in the country is in Buckhead. I think these women are a pretty accurate depiction of what it’s like to live there. It might not be as flashy as the rest of the franchises but, I love the Ridickulousness of it all. Especially Phaedra’s whacky ass and her hot husband. I know I’m in the minority but I find these heiffas funny. Now that’s a done dollah!

  6. 6
    LAC LAC
    Posted December 16, 2011 at 8:44 am

    L Boogie, thank you for another solid recap!

    Phaedra – She is just the best thing on this show. Hilarious observations and the donkey booty. Two things that stand out to me: her dainty acceptance of cash payment by by Weedy-D and her deadpan reaction to Sheree showing off her porshe.

    Sheree – Jaysus H. Crisco – where to begin with this chile? I agree that ole wonky-eyed Bob owes her child support, but why does this woman lack any self awareness? I bet if you put purse handles on it and place it on the top shelf of a boutique, she would have brought some sense by now. How are you going to drive around in a porshe, dolce and gabbana suit up for court, and still have your child sleeping on some air mattress. I understand that asshat needs to pay child support, but how is it that the only thing that seems to matter to this twit is how she looks and her delusions?

    Kandi – I think I am getting a little tired of the sex toy show storyline. Or maybe it was watching my mother’s face when the toys were out to play in a coffee house. And wow, thanks for the Joyce girdle show.

    NeNe – that was so uncomfortable, watching that “date”. And she has embraced the booshie label in all its glory. Honker in the air, clunking around in Loubotins, sniffing at the hoi polloi. Ahhh, the moose has moved up in life…

    Kim – Jackpot indeed! I see that your setting will always be set at “lazy ass”. Girls, get ready to be washing Mommy’s wigs for a loooooooong time.

    Cynthia – Wow, so the secret to a personality lies in the Big Apple? Good to know..(That’s a hint, hint, Ms. Andy) How many coffees did Russell Simmons drink? He was rattling off the chain.

  7. 7
    Poosicle
    Posted December 16, 2011 at 9:49 am

    this show is so fucking blahhhhhh……it’s so damn boring anymore. I’m kind of getting sick of Kandi and her sex toys, sex show, sex mom photo shoot. I’m like-what the hell happened? I used to love Kandi and hate Phaedra, now I love Phaedra and I find myself getting more and more annoyed with Kandi. And as much as I despise Nene, I agree about Kandi being a bit of a shit starter. She always has some comment to make to start people talking. Sheree is a moron. Not only is her poor son sleeping on an air mattress, but was her TV gone too? It looked like they zoomed in on a bunch of wires, not sure. She’s a gold digger and it’s nice to see her get her comeuppance but at the same time I feel bad for her kids. Seems like whatever money she gets, she spends on high end items to make her broke ass look rich while her kids look poor and sad.

  8. 8
    Poopsicle
    Posted December 16, 2011 at 9:54 am

    *damn it, its Poopsicle not Poosicle

  9. 9
    Poopsicle
    Posted December 16, 2011 at 9:58 am

    what the hell, I submitted a comment, spelled my name wrong and now my comments gone??

  10. 10
    notwithoutmytv
    Posted December 16, 2011 at 10:16 am

    “Booshie”. I just looked it up. That’s awesome.

    I like how NeNe’s burned her bridges so thoroughly that they have to send her to another city and recruit some creepazoid she “does bizniz wit” to fake hit on her. I’m sure she was just his type, too. Real trophy girlfriend, that one.

  11. 11
    LAC LAC
    Posted December 16, 2011 at 1:49 pm

    Notwithoutmytv – yeah, I smelled fake too. That date was the sort of date someone like NeNe would tell you she had (presents, smoke being blown up her ass about her amaing looks, serenading)even thought it was actually a jump off (drinks, sex in the backseat of the car, drop off at home)

  12. 12
    Neecy
    Posted December 16, 2011 at 5:31 pm

    I hated watching Nene on that fake date. The way she tilted back her neck to drink glass after glass of champagne. Pawwing all over that greasy white pig! Was that supposed to be sexy/coy or some shit?

  13. 13
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted December 19, 2011 at 2:21 am

    There’s nothing sexier than a cross-eyed man sticking his tongue out at you.

  14. 14
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted December 20, 2011 at 4:59 pm

    I just wanted to add that the La Famiglia pizza parlor is the one that Nene (and the CA) cast worked at while filming in NY. Star was the project manager and earned $150,000 for her charity. I’m surprised he wanted to partner with Nene since she didn’t bring in any donations that I could recall. But anyway, he gave her a franchise somewhere in California. Or so she says. She probably gets like 10% if she brings them new business, which she won’t.

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