At this point do I really need anything more than pictures to explain what happened in this show? With Kroy’s blank stares, Joyce’s scowls, Phaedra’s sex eyes, and Cynthia lulling everyone into a gentle slumber, the pictures pretty much write the recaps.
The big moment this week is Kim giving birth. I have no interest in her this season and actually dislike her but I’m not even sure why. It may be that her friendship and conflicts with Nene made her entertaining and on her own she isn’t. Perhaps it’s the pregnant woman effect. Many people have commented that they hated Phaedra last season but attribute it to her being pregnant and cranky. Maybe Iim goes to the doctor because she has had pre eclampsia and she may have to be induced. Her doctor’s practice is called Maternal Gynerations and before you go thinking that this is a crafty play on words, remember that this is Atlanta. They probably congratulated themselves on getting the sign at a hefty discount from Bob’s Sign-O-Rama.
Kim: I’m glad this mic is here. I’ve written a new song for the baby. It goes: Hurry up baby don’t be late, I’ll meet you at the place, I’ve been waiting for this day-
Kroy: Stop trying to sneak in Tardy for the Party plugs.
Cynthia is prepping for a business trip to NYC.
“You’re not worried about me meeting with my slightly younger, infinitely richer ex boyfriend Russell Simmons?”
“Not at all. I trust you. Plus you’ll put him to sleep before anything can happen.”
Sheree visits the hole that is supposed to become her chateau. She’s there with her mom, the rumored owner of the house. Sheree tells her mom that Bob used Caleigh’s gift card to but groceries when she visited him because he has no money. Sheree is distressed because she remembers what it was like to have a father who wasn’t around. Growing up, she asked for a Speak ‘N Spell every year and never got one. Damn, every year? Don’t the requests stop at some point?
“I was the only kid at the prom without one.”
In NY, Nene and Cynthia are acting like they have no clue why the other has traveled to NY so we can get some background.
Nene: Why are you here again?
Cynthia: I’m meeting with my ex, Russell Simmons.
Nene: Oh, I meant on this show but okay. I heard you used to date him.
Cynthia: Sure did, I slept with a lot of men when I moved to NYC.
Nene: Tell me more, you’re about to get interesting
.Cynthia: Most men I met fell asleep before we could actually have sex so I got lots of beauty rest.
Nene: And we’re back…I’m meeting with the owner of La Famiglia Pizza.
Cynthia: An Italian man? You’ll have to beat him with a stick?
Nene: To keep him away from all this sexiness?
Cynthia: No, to keep him awake. For some reason Italians always fell asleep with me and I’d have to beat them with sticks to keep them conscious.
Back in Atlanta, Phaedra is in court mode and awaiting her client.
Looks like the guy behind her is about to get a little redickulous.
Her client appears to be the guy from last season who stopped in her office on a weed charge. I’m not 100% sure but he did start a chant of “superstar lawyer” as he walked into court late and that makes him a hero to me. He told Phaedra that she was supposed to call and wake him up for court. I feel like Phaedra is secretly doing sex to all of her clients. He admits to the judge that he would not pass a drug test if given one today and he claims that the tints he was ticketed for are off his windows. After the judge lets him off with probation and random drug testing, Phaedra collects her fee in cash in the parking lot and notices that his windows are still tinted. Oy vey. There are so many things wrong with this scene that I can’t even begin to point them out.
“Mmmm, keep going baby. A proper Southern woman always checks her client’s tongue size.”
Cynthia meets with Russell who’s busy signing books. I wonder how Cynthia feels about her choice to break up with him. On the one hand, no one wants to stay with a cheater. On the other, if she would’ve married him and had at least one kid, she’d be able to open a modeling school in NYC instead of Atlanta. Actually she could sit on her fat ass and just collect checks from a school with her name on it.
“I heard you telling people that you dumped me because I cheated on you. So how’d that self respect thing work out for you?”
“I’m so happy! Do you have a closet I could live in?”
Kim is at the hospital in labor.
“Dear God, please let this baby come out covered in diamonds and dollar bills. Also, let it be a donut. Amen.”
Joyce, Joyce , Joyce…for a woman that was pissed off over a stripper, she sure is wearing very little this week. I think Joyce didn’t like the feelings our stripper friend ignited in her that night but now she’s ready to embrace that spinning weiner and ride off into the sunset with it.
Kandi: Momma, you sure you don’t want to wax first.
Joyce: No girl. Men love the natural look. It also blocks the AIDS.
Sheree gets served by Bob! He sends a formal request to have her child support reduced because he’s only making $3,000 a month. Instead of having this conversation outside, she talks to her mom on speakerphone about it in front of her son Kairo. How much worse can this get? It’s bad enough he doesn’t see his kids or support them enough but it’s even worse that she discusses this disregard in front of him. Also, Sheree’s penthouse looks like it could fit into my house twice. And what does she do during the day?! I know she’s making some money off of this show but she needs to do more. Her kids are old enough to be somewhat self-sufficient and she’s not doing them any favors by not earning a living beyond this show and appearances.
“Kairo, I’m sorry you had to hear that your father doesn’t care whether you live or die. Or eat. Wanna sandwich? I’ll sue your father for one!
Nene meets up with John. I love me some Italian men but John is…well he’s….he’s rich. That’s gotta count for something. He tries to sweet talk Nene by speaking in her “language.”
“You look nice today Nene. I mean, you go girl witcho fly self! Mmm hmm, I’m a crazy cracker y’all. Black Power.”
This is the most uncomfortable thing I’ve ever seen and I’ve watched two dogs do it, get stuck together and be hosed down at a funeral. Nene is trying to bite her tongue and is clearly not feeling him but he pulls out an infamous blue box form Tiffany. Inside is an overpriced pen that he wants her to use when she signs her first million dollar deal. He also surprises her with a pair of Loubotins. He also has her serenaded by an old Italian man who supposedly hasn’t sung in nine years. The man sang for the pope, at Pavarotti’s house and for Sophia Loren and came out of retirement for John, the owner of LA Famiglia. I’m not sure if John wanted more or if he just wanted to go over the top with schmoozing for business purposes but it was just horrible. I wouldn’t be opposed to doing him for a nice fee if he could fit his wallet over his head and personality.
“This is so bizarre. Just imagine his wallets on Peter’s body.”
On the other side of NY, Cynthia meets with her stylist/friend Kithe. He’s lost a ton of weight and is really happy. You know who’s not happy? Cynthia. She says as much when she has dinner with him.
Kithe: How’s it going in Atlanta?
Cynthia: It’s amazing! I don’t miss the caviar, opera and world renowned restaurants in NYC. In Atlanta, we eat a lot of pork products, the sweet tea flows like nectar from the heavens and they just opened a new Waldenbooks 47 miles from our house.
Kithe: Tell me the truth Cynthia.
“I drink a lot.”
Back at the hospital, Kim is stil in labor. If you recall, I mentioned last week or so that Sweetie has reportedly been fired. I think this was the beginning of the end.
Kim: KJ’s almost here and ummm, things are getting a little crowded and ummm, someone’s gotta go. And ummm, well, most of us are related now so ummm, I think it’s gonna be the one who wears too much makeup and is a slave.
Cynthia and Nene hang out in NYC and her friend Kithe let’s us know that Cynthia was spicy back in the day. She’d introduce herself as a model and c*nt all in one breath to her gay friends. Wow, hard to believe that there was some of that bubbling just under the surface. Let’s take up a collection and pay to have Cynthia move back to NYC and join the NY cast.
“I’m a c*nt, I’m a c*nt! Did you guys tell Peter my nickname? That’s how he introduces me at the bank.”
Next thing you know, there’s a baby crying and Kim is holding little Jackpot AKA Kroy Jagger Biermann in her arms. I’m surprised that they didn’t show more of the labor but I guess some things are sacred – and being sold to the highest bidder on eBay. The happy family gathers round to celebrate the fact that they’ve locked in child support for 18 years and Kim can get back to drinking so she can be a drunk bitch – that way they can hit her when she pisses them off.
“I’ll never use Italian condoms again.”
Not too much going on this week so Bravo threw us another episode just two days later. All I know is Phaedra gets caught off guard by Bob Whitfield and I can’t wait to see how he outwitted her. What’d you think about John? Would NYC make Cynthia more interesting? And is Phaedra’s client going to go to jail for perjury with those still tinted windows?
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