It’s been a long time. I shouldn’t have left you. But I did and hopefully all those little computer glitches that we’ve come to know and loathe are dunzo. Kids still say dunzo right? Whether they do or don’t, I’m in the mood for some funerals, damaged marriages and weird musical careers.
Phaedra is still trying to convince Apollo to take part in her funeral home scheme/scam and she brings in her mother for back up. Momma Regina threatens to use their firstborn as a sacrifice.
“Get in my belly!”
In her defense, who wouldn’t want to eat the cutest baby on reality TV. Man, Phaedra really hit the jackpot with Apollo’s jeans. And genes. Wondering who the dead eye is? It’s none other than Cynthia “I know how to work it and put you to sleep” Bailey. Peter has scheduled a date night so the two of them can get in the mood for some good old fashioned 1950s hate sex but she’s still upset over Peter leaving her agency opening. His reason for leaving without telling her is…
“I don’t like to say goodbye.”
That’s interesting. Isn’t that something Cynthia would have noticed on their first date when he discreetly pressed the eject button on her heated seat and sent her flying into a pile of bushes outside her front door? You know….cuz he hates goodbye.
“I also don’t like you, paying bills or having successful marriages and businesses. Let’s dance!
He’s really a jerk about the whole thing and goes so far as to tell Cynthia that she’s pretty but has plenty of faults. What does being pretty have to do with anything? Someone’s insecure…I can’t put my finger on what’s wrong with Peter, but something is wrong with that fool. Maybe he’s stressed financially and figures that if he pushes her away he can avoid embarrassment. Perhaps he’s gotten past her beauty and has seen her for the droll human being she is. Or maybe he’s doing someone on the side and is afraid to open up because he might spill the beans! I’m going with the latter.
At the Zolciak-Bierman’s Balls chateau, Kim is trying to get maximum mileage out of her biological slaves. Brielle will be turning 18 and discovering the joys of concubinage sooner than later and Kim needs to enjoy parenting KJ before she becomes a grandmother in 5 years. Unfortunately for Kim, she’s raised a more attractive, hairier version of herself and is getting nowhere with her plan to use Brielle for free childcare and housework. Hmmm, maybe Lil Kim hates the fact that she lives in a house in which VERSACE china decorates the table instead of their drawings or toys or food. And what was up with Kroy stating that he had a few things to teach Brielle? Am I just a perv? I guess the fact that he’s only 10 years older than her makes their exchanges a little strange to me. At least I got to see Brielle tell Kim to shut up. Normally, I’d be taken aback by this but it feels right.
Hey, Wiggy Zolciak! What’s missing from this hand? A glass of Sweet Bitch Merlot that’s what!
Kandi is still trying to become a country singer because this is what people do when they’ve made more money at age 19 than I have my whole life. She meets up with Jo Dee Messina, who officially has a worse name than all of the housewives ever, and nervously sings a song for her.
“That’s great Kandi. Now how can we make it less bad?”
They end up coming up with something that doesn’t sound half bad. What is half bad is Marlo. Over lunch, she reveals that she’s been arrested seven times in the past. I looked into it a little and she got into a fight with someone she calls a friend and she slashed the girl’s face. Then she kept violating probation and kept getting tossed in jail. I’m not sure what her probation violations were but what woman is that incapable of not committing crimes for a few years?
“I can smell fear. And sashimi. Our lunch is almost ready.”
Nene is a little concerned but quickly turns the conversation to how big both of their feet are. They end up going shopping and I hope Nene doesn’t end up bludgeoned by one of her beloved Loubotins. Sheree is done with her clothing line, trying to get money out of her ex-husband, acting and becoming a human being so she’s helping Kim get back in shape.
Kim: Thanks for coming Sheree! I told the maid we have Black friends.
Kim is required to interact with one person who is more delusional than herself at least once a week. Sheree shows up with two yoga mats which means her son is relegated to sleeping on the towel in front of the tub. Sheree wants to get Kim back in chain smoking, wine drinking shape so they do planks and other exercises that Kim incessantly complains about. Afterwards, Sheree makes Kim a veggie drink.
It’s like going down on Big Poppa all over again.
Spinach really does make you look like Popeye.
“Don’t drink it all Kim. I’m going to put a candle in the leftovers for the kids’ birthday. They can eat it from plastic bowls in the yard while I burn last season’s Birkin bags and use the ashes as confetti.”
Marlo invites Nene to a high society fundraiser run by Ted Turner’s daughter and wife I think. The charity they’re working for is The Captain Planet Foundation which fights against not becoming a live action film cartoon character and pollution. I don’t know who Marlo did to get in this circle but well done my little Krueger.
Marlo: This is actually a sheep carcass that I slashed into a dress.
It turns out that Nene was only invited because she is very rich and Marlo thinks she has tens of thousands of dollars to spend on flea market jewelry. Okay, I’m sure it was quality stuff but really? $25,000 for earrings? That’s as ridiculous as thinking that the Dalai Lama is Italian. Oh wait…Marlo actually said that. Apparently Marlo didn’t take the Malcolm X route in jail; instead of reading books she learned how to apply concealer just right over her Adam’s apple. You know who learned a lot? Phaedra. Instead of counting on Apollo to be a money grubbing scoundrel like her, she preys on his desire to be with other women. She tells him that when all the sad, pretty girls come to the funerals, he can be the shoulder they lean on.
Phaedra: After the funeral, you can take me home, turn my head like this, slap a pillow over it and pretend that I’m one of those cute girls.
Apollo: When do we start?
Cynthia and Peter go to counseling with the pastor that married them. They say the first year is the hardest but this is ridiculous. They’re so different that this marriage should have never taken place. Looks like Mal and mom were right about this. Cynthia shares that Peter is a dinosaur and he does NOT like that and rightfully so. He’s more like the Pony Express. She does manage to share what she does like about him and those things include his maturity, experience and gray pubes. She’s got daddy issues. When Peter is asked what he likes about Cynthia, he doesn’t answer right away but then he finds something.
“I pose for rice boxes all day long so I’m happy when she cooks potatoes instead. I also like the way she wants to make this work. I’m secure in knowing that I can squeeze a few thousand out of her for my new business.”
That’s enough of that. Next week, which we’ve already seen, features the preparation for a trip to Africa and Kim and Nene’s passive dinner. So what did you think? Are you still thinking about these people? How messed up is Peter? And how dumb is Cynthia? And how tall is Nene? And how funny is it that Kim’s parenting has come back to bite her in the ass?
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