Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap: South African Antics

The housewives are finally on their way to South Africa and I can not wait to see what’s going to happen. I’m sure that they’ll tour the prison in which Nelson Mandela was imprisoned or Robben Island or the Cradle of Mankind. If not, I’m sure that they’ll at least shame Nelson Mandela, ruin an island and be the shame of all mankind. I don’t tune into housewives for education and whatnot. I want trash and I want it now.

Everybody knows this is the only mountain that can give itself head.

The ladies take a 16 hour flight to South Africa and we’re treated to home video footage from Kandi and Cynthia on the plane. Cynthia makes light of Nene’s forgetting to wash off one eyebrow, although I think the fact that it’s drawn on is funnier, and tries to be funny in general. Kandi jokes with Phaedra who says that she wants to ride an elephant and everything else while she’s out there. Ugh, is this humor after age 35? I am so not interested. Especially since Apollo is probably riding a bear as she speaks. The women struggle through the airport with their luggage. Marlo and Nene have wisely packed 17 Louis Vuitton bags; one for every probation violation Marlo has known and loved.

Personally, I don’t have a problem with some of them being gussied up for a 16 hour flight. I’m comfortable in sweats but some people are just used to wearing heels and dressing up. It is annoying though when you’re trying to walk through an airport and someone’s obnoxious heels are slowing them down. Phaedra has arranged for the ladies to stay in Capetown so the girls can enjoy some luxury before they  venture into the bush and kill each other for sport. On the way to the hotel, Marlo gives the girls obnoxious lessons in etiquette.

Marlo: You should always cross your legs at the ankles. Never cut your bread in half and always cut a bitch from right to left.

The place they’re staying in is really nice and instantly made me want to jump on the first bus to South Africa. Unfortunately, Phaedra doesn’t have the same level of class that Marlo or the sheik from Sex and the City 2 has because the women are forced to share rooms. Marlo volunteers to take the biggest and nicest room. Surprisingly, Cynthia bitch slaps her martyrdom down by saying that everyone wants that room because it’s the nicest. Sheree states that she, Phaedra and Nene should share a room. I immediately stopped in my tracks and began ducking out fear of pig shit landing on my head. Then, she starts laughing. O.M.G. I laughed so damn hard; gotta give that one to Sheree. Even Nene laughed at that one! It was refreshing to see women realize that their hatred for each other was so well embedded that they’d never make an attempt to get along but could laugh at the sheer idiocy of it all. I actually think that deep down Sheree wants to be Nene’s friend. When Nene is in beast mode, she’s horrendous but when you’re her friend she’s a blast in a glass. Phaedra and Kandi are vanilla ice cream and Nene is moose tracks.

Sheree: Cynthia, this isn’t actually a vacation. This is a style intervention. Your outfit says Rhythm Nation but your hair says Poetic Justice Janet.

The talls end up sharing a room and the smalls take another. In other surprising news, all of the girls kind of hate the fact that Marlo is on their trip. I can’t say I blame them for being annoyed at the presence of a stranger who has spent time in prison and already caused a scene at Cynthia’s agency opening. She’s also a weirdo who insists on knowing the names, telephone numbers and bra sizes of the housekeeping staff. Phaedra chalks it up to the difficulties of dealing with Black women. I am offended! Marlo being a Black woman has nothing to do with her attitude! Marlo being a Black woman trapped in a Black man’s voice, feet and Adam’s apple…maybe.

The next morning, the talls meet at breakfast in luxurious African inspired garb. The smalls showed up in their finest Joe Boxer gear. Cynthia, who’s been offering up some major ‘tude this episode, scoffs at the fact that Phaedra is talking about her royal connections whilst she wears a robe from Marshall’s. I was definitely thinking the same though.

Marlo: I don’t know the other women that well. Is that Phaedra sitting across from me or the housekeeper?
Cynthia: Shhh! I’m trying to open the housekeeper’s present.

It’s not a message. It’s an order.

In case you’re wondering what Cynthia is opening, it’s a present from Phaedra. She got one for everyone except Marlo but promised that she’d send Marlo one when they got home…after Marlo strongly suggested it. Sheree takes this opportunity to double pounce and says that only Phaedra and Kandi are invited to her gay friend’s house for dinner. Her logic was that she wasn’t going to invite Nene and she assumed that Cynthia wouldn’t want to attend without her. Cynthia asserts her independence, now that Nene has semi-ditched her for Marlo,  and says that she would have gone but they have plans to go to Nobu anyway. Really? You fly to the motherland to go to a mothereffin’ restaurant that you can go to in the US? Gag me with a spoon…full of delicious Nobu miso.

Back in Atlanta, Kim has her parents over to help her manage her household now that Kroy’s gone. I totally understand where Kim is coming from. When my mother had to raise three children on her own she…well she…did her f%&king job and quit complaining about it. Kim, Kim. Kim. I know I mentioned my feelings on her and some of you responded and dammit it! We’ll never get “most commented post” if you guys don’t grow some trashy balls and start slamming each others’ opinions. I keed. I really don’t mind if people disagree with me or like Kim. When it comes down to it, I don’t “like” any of the women. It’s more a matter of whom I like least.

Over the years she’s just come across as an uneducated (K-A-T, cat), untalented (Dallas Austin embarrassment), media whore (DJ Tracy) who won’t own any of her nonsense. Own Big Poppa and the wigs and the lesbianism! Oh, and the Michael Lohan kiss too! That’s what makes Sheree bearable. She owns her delusion! Remember that excuse for her wigs back in season one? She claimed that they thought she had cancer…but chemo is what causes the hair loss, not cancer. Own the wiggery!

The example she’s setting for her girls is a little disturbing too but I can look past that. I hate kids. All of these women are guilty of it but I guess the Sweetie thing pushed it over the top for me. At one point, it seemed like they were friends who had an informal but decent boss/employee relationship. This season, it’s delved into other territory which apparently wasn’t okay because Sweetie no longer works for her. Is Sweetie incompetent? Possibly. But if so, she has been for a long time and Kim should have let her go a long time ago. Even if the Black/White issue were removed, no “boss” should ever speak that way to an employee. On RHONY, Luann was condescending to the help but never outright rude. Haughtiness is mildly entertaining but Kim takes it to another level that I just don’t care for.  And yes, Kim did say that she called Sweetie on her way back from the restaurant so I was wrong about that. So…if Kim didn’t get an answer, why didn’t she call her parent’s cell phones or the house phone? If Sweetie is a little dimwitted and given the arduous task of making that mansion even gaudier in less time than she thought she had, Kim’s asking for trouble by showing up earlier than expected.

Anyway, Kim makes a joke about her mom’s tits. All class, all the time over here. Her parents lecture her about getting a ring on her finger and she kinda gets an attitude. We all get like that with our parents but they supported her while she was in a relationship with a married man so I’d say that they are pretty relaxed about things. Brielle lets it slip that Kroy is thinking about getting her a ring and Kim seems flattered/excited. I would hope that a ring and wedding would be a mere formality now that she’s popped his firstborn out of her cooch but I’m old fashioned that way. This isn’t a Kim dig, I just generally don’t get excited for people who get married after they’ve produced offspring together. It’s like, yeah. You’re already bound to each other forever might as well get some presents out of it.

KJ: Is this a Tim Burton movie?

Brielle is missing all of this because she is with her boyfriend’s family. Okay, I’m just getting old. I didn’t start meeting my boyfriend’s families until I was in college! Kim is increasingly getting pissed off at Sweetie for not being at her beck and call and is even more annoyed when Sweetie sits down for dinner while Kim is tending to the baby. Again, I can understand being frustrated by this but fire or reprimand her instead of making comments like “you’re not getting paid today.” And is Sweetie her assistant or nanny? I can’t keep up with this.

Back in South Africa, the girls take a lovely boat ride and Kandi finally brings up apartheid. Phaedra is glad that Kandi at least mentioned it but we don’t hear any more about it.The issue is quickly dropped so we can spend more time airing out the group’s issues. Nene and Phaedra agree to speak to each other. Phaedra claims she has no problem with Nene but I think she’s full of it. I don’t think I’ve ever really seen them talk to each other and I’d say it’s more on Phaedra’s end. Maybe she’s a little scared? Marlo and Kandi agree to try to get along and Nene and Sheree are left up in the air.

The groups split up again and Kandi, who’s role is now sh*t stirrer upper, asks how the girls feel about the supposed make up session they just had. And you know what Kandi does that I can’t stand? She laughs and leans on people. I HATE when people do that. Physical laughers are just too violent. Plus, I think it’s their way of copping a feel. Phaedra claims that the other girls are booty lickers in reference to their treatment of Nene. The elephant in the room is that Nene has gone on to be more successful than the other women and I think they’re jealous. Can Nene be an abrasive bully? Sure. But has she found a way to become a marketable bully? Yep! The women would be wiser to hitch their wagon to hers in the meantime and collect a few more checks before the housewives are a thing of the past.

Anyidiots, Cynthia goes into the smalls room to formally invite them to dinner even though she knows that they are going somewhere else. They politely decline and Sheree extends a thorn covered olive branch to the talls by inviting Cynthia, but not the others, to dinner. Cynthia, who is eager to proclaim her independence from Massa Nene, claims that she will think it over and confirm with Sheree. Bitch please! There’s no way she was ever going to say yes and her version of thinking it over is literally running to the girls to tell them what Sheree has just done.  To her credit, Nene genuinely does not care. Marlo does. Miss Etiquette doesn’t think it’s right to not invite a woman who invited herself on a trip to another country to dinner. She decides to confront Sheree.

Cynthia: They have the nerve to think that I can’t do anything without Nene.
Nene: Ahem! My feet can’t rub themselves.

The next ten minutes are basically the best thing that’s happened to me since Ronnie almost murdered Sam on Jersey Shore. I don’t think I can truly recap it. It. Was. Amazing. When Marlo confronted Sheree, Sheree immediately told Marlo to get dressed and come if she wanted to. That wasn’t good enough for Marlo. She doesn’t understand why Sheree has waited until now to invite her. Ummm, maybe cuz you look like you might murder the hell out of her. Marlo dismisses Sheree, tells her to go hang out with [insert gay slur] and says that’s why she’ll never get a man.

The girls know Miss Andy will not stand for those kinds of slurs so the smalls immediately latch on to the fact that she just used the “f” word. The next few minutes are just the best. Sheree accuses Marlo of sleeping with an 80 year old White man for money and Marlo latches on to the possibility that Sheree is racist. Then Marlo offers to hook Sheree up with one so she can come up. Oh snap! She has a good point though. If I could do it all over again, I would have gotten with the oldest, Whitest man that Black booty can buy. Instead I picked a White middle aged, insurance salesman and all I got was a really sh*tty toaster oven and a pair of Naturalizer shoes. I like the way Marlo works. And once again, she owns it. She never denies what she did or how she got her stuff, she just doesn’t flaunt her methods.

Anyway, Sheree proceeds to harp on the 80 year old thing while Marlo calls Sheree out for having air mattresses at home. Wow! We all saw that a few episodes back right? How did Marlo know about them? And more importantly, how does Sheree have all of those fancy clothes and shoes and no real beds? Perhaps they were gifts from clothing companies. Sheree calls Marlo out for only having a condo and not a house. Sheree should have been smarter than to go there. Marlo points out that she doesn’t need a house; it’s just her! However, Sheree should be concerned about having a house since she has two kids and is struggling with an ex football player husband. Sheree exclaims that she’s not struggling but didn’t we just see her running to court for child support? Then Marlo gets on Sheree about hanging at Onyx with drug dealers (sounds exciting to me!) which Sheree denies. And Marlo harps on her for only having one Rolex. That Sheree! What a slut pig for only having ONE Rolex! And then these two women descend into making noises that sound like a birdcage that’s been set on fire and tossed out of a plane only to land in a tub of bubbles and honey. They even make gestures to go with it! It’s like a scene out of West Side Story; if West Side Story was about two gangs of seagulls fighting over leftover Bubba Gump shrimp in Daytona Beach. It’s an improv scene gone wrong which is fitting given Sheree’s acting ability. Bravo clearly edited the footage to draw out the clucking section but it was SO worth it. There’s nothing like seeing two grown women regress to pre-pubescent behavior on television.

And that’s all I have to say about that. Honestly, I thought this was a great episode. Plenty of ridiculousness, excess and a petty cat fight thrown in for good measure. So what did you think? Is Sheree still the reigning champ of yes and-ing an argument? Will Nene’s moment of clarity (the woman looked like fools during their argument) stick with her? Will Brielle make it through high school without having a kid? Will Sheree ever get more than one Rolex?

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