Real Housewives of Atlanta makes my heart happy. Delusional adults, fragile marriages and busted birthday parties abound in this world of Atlanta’s “elite”… These women have given me hope that when I’m pretending to be fertile and in my 30s, I too can embarrass my family and get paid for it.
Nene has had enough of all of the “haters” in Atlanta so she goes to Miami with Cynthia and Kandi.
It’s a strange group because Nene and Kandi never really did get along. On the way to their hotel, they pass the house that they had stayed in last year and had the huge fight. Nene calls it “crazy island” much like Kelly Bensimon of RHONY called her nervous breakdown getaway “scary island”. Andy Cohen is seriously just shuffling scripts around at this point. Kandi, by the way, looks amazing! She’s looking way better than last season in Miami and though she’s put on a few pounds, I think she carries it well. Nene is obsessed with finding Kandi a man and asks her if she’s had her legs thrown back lately. For a sex toy & talk fanatic, Kandi sure is coy about answering the questions. I’m not sure if she’s just trying to cover her tracks or is all talk and no action.
The awkward moment when you realize you’re the stuffing in a lesbian oreo. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Kim, who’s a little moodier than usual due to her pregnancy, is getting ready to celebrate her 33rd birthday. She’s also peeing a lot and the editors are kind enough to let us hear the sound of her making number #1 in the bathroom. She’s not thrilled about it.
Kim: What the f&%k are you looking at? I’ve seen you pee a thousand times. Of course I make Sweetie mop it up with a Sham Wow for kicks but I still have to watch it.”
Sweetie is busy conspiring with Kroy. Their plan is to throw her a surprise party and he decides to give Kim a bracelet that she’s wanted for a while. That slave comment must have really gotten to Sweetie. This girl did a huge transformation from the last two seasons.
She’s now a full blown 1980s girl in a LL Cool J video.
Phaedra, sweet sweet Phaedra. I am loving her more and more. This woman takes ridiculousness to another level. She’s plowing ahead with this funeral home plan and she meets with Willie Watkins so she can learn about the business. Let the record show that I do not trust any straight man named Willie. William, Bill and even Billy are respectable names but Willie? It sounds like the word wet or wild should be before it.
“Oooh, Mr Willie! A proper southern gentleman keeps his embalming fluid in the tube.”
And yes, Phaedra de la Boughetto has five different colors on her nails. Willie is trying to teach Phaedra that she should not sound too money hungry when dealing with families. Meanwhile, our proper Southern Lady (that should be capitalized right?) has five different colors on her nails and a skirt high enough that Willie doesn’t even try to deny is calling his attention. It’s okay though; Phaedra has a prayer cloth and holy oil in case she encounters a “lusty spirit”. The prayer cloth is used to cover the knees of a woman. I’d heard them referred to as lap cloths or scarves but I won’t argue with Phaedra lest I become her first client at the funeral home. I think the order is spray the sex crazed man in the eyes with holy oil, wipe it off with the cloth and pray they forgot what they saw. It’s either that or pick up the sex crazed man from jail, spray him in the eyes with the oil before he realizes you’re his crazy ex, gag him with the cloth and pray that he’ll get you pregnant and give you an alien baby that develops in seven months.
Back in Miami, Cynthia is basically invisible and Nene and Kandi have a little time to bond. Kandi comes right out and says that she heard Nene told Sheree that she was rich. Kandi isn’t convinced that Nene is rich because it’s “new money”. In her opinion, a few hundred thousand or one million isn’t rich. Of course I had to check out celebrity net worth to find out the estimated truth. Nene is supposedly worth $3.5 milion and Kandi $35 million. I never know what to make of those figures but either one sounds great to me. I’m not worth $3.50!
“That number sounds inflated, much like my ass. Are you gonna finish that chesecake?”
Cynthia is completely brainwashed by her secret lover Nene and it’s cute. She says that everyone else likes to brag about what they have so why can’t her boo do the same? Nene tires of discussing Kim and Sheree and they discuss why the hell there are no men around. The ladies are treated to a perfectly stereotypical lesbian couple that explains they are in Miami during Lesbian Pride weekend. Cynthia keeps giggling nervously because, Nene hints that she might go to an event and Kandi just keeps laughing. In other words, these three are getting laid tonight!
“Good thing I waxed!”
I’m definitely hormonal because before they even showed this scene, I was getting teary eyed. Sheree’s son Kairo is going through that teenage phase in which you really don’t want to talk to your parents much less on television. Sheree is taking him to get cleats and takes this opportunity to ask him about who he is dating. He acts like he doesn’t know what she’s talking about and then she starts mentioning how it would be great for his dad to do more things with him. Oh, this is so sad! He’s in that awkward phase and it is sad that his father isn’t there for him as much as he should be. The plus side is that Kairo’s gone from a size 12 to a size 14 shoe. That should make some money grubbing whore really happy someday. It turns out that Sheree’s gene mingling with Bob produced a potential star athlete, cha ching!
“Stop using me to appear sympathetic mom. I’ve been reading the Menedez brothers biography and I’m easily inluenced.”
The girls are now going on a mini house hunt. Nene has decided that she may need to move to Miami in order to get her own spinoff. The house they are looking at is like something out of Architectural Digest. It’s got a pool, wide open spaces, an oceanview…in other words, it’s out of Nene’s price range. Celebrity Apprentice may have given Nene a nice check but it won’t even cover the property taxes on this place. Cynthia keeps insisting that Nene is rich and she should buy the house so Cynthia can “visit” and they can presumably “do all the lesbian sex”. Can I be the first to coin the phrase “Friend of Nene”?
Back in Atlanta, Sheree and Kim have lunch. Kim discusses how she and Kroy took their relationship slow. They moved so slow that her kids actually had time to learn how to spell his first and last name. Kim asks Sheree if she would consider having more children if her future man wanted one. Two issues: this assumes that Sheree is lovable and it assumes that her eggs aren’t as dry as her edges.
Sheree is kind enough to point out her edges and they’re dry. This message was brought to you by the letter: Black People.
Later on we get to see what everyone’s been hiding under those clothes and Kandi’s body is crazy! I love, love, love the fact that we get to see some thickness on this show! To some, Kandi probably looks lilke a cow. I’m not going to say that I want to look exactly like her but the booty? It’s sick! Kandi is all right with me. Damn, I spent a whole paragraph talking about her body. Nene was there too. Oh and Cynthia. They were fine. I guess. I couldn’t see past Kandi’s thighs.
Nene: Ooops! I spilled some mojito. You like mojitos don’t you Kandi? Bam! Lick it off.
Kandi: I love rich bitches!
Cynthia: Hey guys. Still here. Cynthia Bailey. The World’s First Supermodel…to move to Atlanta.
Phaedra goes for a walk with Apollo and the Ayden, the baby, and they discuss her desire to open a funeral home. First of all, Ayden is hands down the cutest baby I have ever seen on a Real Housewives franchise. I want to eat his little face! Anyway, Phaedra tells Apollo about her plan to open a funeral home and she asks if he’ll pick up the bodies, talk to the families or drive the hearse and he says no to all of his choices. You see, Apollo didn’t “ask for this.” He’s got a business that includes asset recovery and transporting things back to Atlanta and Phaedra dismisses it as a hobby of sorts; sounds like another 7-10 with no possibility of parole to me. She lets Apollo know that unlike him, she does not do anything that she is not passionate about. That’s the kind of passive aggression that will get a chick left in a hurry.
“You’re right. I married your dumb ass.
Sweetie is busy throwing together a surprise party at Kim’s house. She’s stressed but I don’t understand why because it looks like she bought some wine from the local grocery store and had Brielle make ham sandwiches with her feet to serve the guests. This is a far cry from the opulence of the RHONJ requisite Brownstone parties or every party the RHOBH has ever thrown, including the one for a five year old that cost six figures. It’s basically seven friends in a tight ass kitchen. To top it all off, the editors are kind enough to include a shot of Sweetie rearranging the strawberries on the table-with her fingers! If her head is up Kim’s ass 24/7, imagine where her hands have been! Kim and Kroy go out for lunch and they talk about eventually buying their son a gun and other things that didn’t interest me. They get back to the house and while all of her guests secretly await in the kitchen, Kim walks into the house and pees. Loudly. Kroy, the surprise assassin, tells Kim that he has a surprise and has her close her eyes. Kim has been given all kinds of parties and huge diamonds from Big Poppa. It’s going to take a lot for a surprise to impress her.
“I sure hope that the surprise isn’t a room full of Black people.”
This is awkward.
Kim: Um, err, uhhh. Do something Sweetie! Put on the Cha Cha Slide.
And all is forgiven.
Unfortunately, Kim can’t wear or sell her friends, except for Sweetie, and she seems less than thrilled. Riley, Kandi’s daughter, and Arianna, Kim’s daughter, chat and it turns out that Arianna has a boyfriend. It’s simply shocking that Kim’s pre-pubescent daughter has a boyfriend. Ha! Just kidding. I’m sure she’ll get her own spin off: 12 & Pregnant. Don’t judge! Shes a late bloomer. Riley says that her mom would whoop her butt hard as she could if she had a boyfirned. Ariana can’t believe that Riley has morals and a mother that disciplines her children. It sounded a little scripted but it drove the point home. Sheree and Kim start talking about the trip to Miami and Kandi brings up the “I’m rich” comment. They all start bringing up the past again. They discuss Nene not having furniture in her house, her vehicle being repossesed and her messed up teeth. I don’t know why but I have never been into making fun of things like that. My one soft spot is for clearly embarassing things that can’t necessarily be helped like messed up teeth, bad skin, uneven legs or being Phaedra’s husband. Kroy gets a taste of Phaedra’s law skills when she starts grilling him about marrying Kim. After all, Phaedra is a proper Southern woman. She did the right thing and got married as soon as she found out she was knocked up. This weekend I caught the marathon of last season and Phaedra said that she had fertility issues and that was why she lied about Ayden’s due date. However, Apollo got out of jail in July and she had Ayden in May. It must have been hard to be infertile for a whole week or as the rest of us call it, menstruation. I still want to know how that came together. Well, not literally. I’m sure it included a lot of lube and blindfolds. Phaedra offers Kroy her preacher mom’s services; she can marry them in ten minutes or less. If the ceremony is longer than that, she may eat them. Damn, there goes my soft spot. Phaedra starts complaining that she is not getting enough sex and Kim thinks it’s strange. I think it’s strange that the kids appear to be present for this adult conversation. It should make Arianna’s boyfriend really happy though.
That’s it for this week. Did I miss any deets? I watched this episode about five times but I felt like each time I caught a little more. I feel bad for Nene in the sense that she only has Cynthia at this point. She put herself in this position though. It’ll be interesting to see how the season plays out without her interacting with the whole cast. What did you think? I can’t wait for Peter and Apollo’s confrontation next week!
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