Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap: Surprises For All

Recaps

By L Boogie | Thursday, November 17, 2011 | 1:10 am | 18 Comments
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Posted in: Featured, Real Housewives of Atlanta, Recaps
Real Housewives of Atlanta makes my heart happy. Delusional adults, fragile marriages and busted birthday parties abound in this world of Atlanta’s “elite”… These women have given me hope that when I’m pretending to be fertile and in my 30s, I too can embarrass my family and get paid for it.
Nene has had enough of all of the “haters” in Atlanta so she goes to Miami with Cynthia and Kandi.
It’s a strange group because Nene and Kandi never really did get along. On the way to their hotel, they pass the house that they had stayed in last year and had the huge fight. Nene calls it “crazy island” much like Kelly Bensimon of RHONY called her nervous breakdown getaway “scary island”. Andy Cohen is seriously just shuffling scripts around at this point. Kandi, by the way, looks amazing! She’s looking way better than last season in Miami and though she’s put on a few pounds, I think she carries it well. Nene is obsessed with finding Kandi a man and asks her if she’s had her legs thrown back lately. For a sex toy & talk fanatic, Kandi sure is coy about answering the questions. I’m not sure if she’s just trying to cover her tracks or is all talk and no action.
Real Housewives of Atlanta 1113 miamiThe awkward moment when you realize you’re the stuffing in a lesbian oreo. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Kim, who’s a little moodier than usual due to her pregnancy, is getting ready to celebrate her 33rd birthday. She’s also peeing a lot and the editors are kind enough to let us hear the sound of her making number #1 in the bathroom. She’s not thrilled about it.
Real Housewives of Atlanta 1113 kimKim: What the f&%k are you looking at? I’ve seen you pee a thousand times. Of course I make Sweetie mop it up with a Sham Wow for kicks but I still have to watch it.”

Sweetie is busy conspiring with Kroy. Their plan is to throw her a surprise party and he decides to give Kim a bracelet that she’s wanted for a while. That slave comment must have really gotten to Sweetie. This girl did a huge transformation from the last two seasons.
Real Housewives of Atlanta 1113 sweetieShe’s now a full blown 1980s girl in a LL Cool J video.

Phaedra, sweet sweet Phaedra. I am loving her more and more. This woman takes ridiculousness to another level. She’s plowing ahead with this funeral home plan and she meets with Willie Watkins so she can learn about the business. Let the record show that I do not trust any straight man named Willie. William, Bill and even Billy are respectable names but Willie? It sounds like the word wet or wild should be before it.
Real Housewives of Atlanta 1113 phaedra “Oooh, Mr Willie! A proper southern gentleman keeps his embalming fluid in the tube.”

And yes, Phaedra de la Boughetto has five different colors on her nails. Willie is trying to teach Phaedra that she should not sound too money hungry when dealing with families. Meanwhile, our proper Southern Lady (that should be capitalized right?) has five different colors on her nails and a skirt high enough that Willie doesn’t even try to deny is calling his attention. It’s okay though; Phaedra has a prayer cloth and holy oil in case she encounters a “lusty spirit”. The prayer cloth is used to cover the knees of a woman. I’d heard them referred to as lap cloths or scarves but I won’t argue with Phaedra lest I become her first client at the funeral home. I think the order is spray the sex crazed man in the eyes with holy oil, wipe it off with the cloth and pray they forgot what they saw. It’s either that or pick up the sex crazed man from jail, spray him in the eyes with the oil before he realizes you’re his crazy ex, gag him with the cloth and pray that he’ll get you pregnant and give you an alien baby that develops in seven months.
Back in Miami, Cynthia is basically invisible and Nene and Kandi have a little time to bond. Kandi comes right out and says that she heard Nene told Sheree that she was rich. Kandi isn’t convinced that Nene is rich because it’s “new money”. In her opinion, a few hundred thousand or one million isn’t rich. Of course I had to check out celebrity net worth to find out the estimated truth. Nene is supposedly worth $3.5 milion and Kandi $35 million. I never know what to make of those figures but either one sounds great to me. I’m not worth $3.50!
Real Housewives of Atlanta 1113 kandi “That number sounds inflated, much like my ass. Are you gonna finish that chesecake?”

Cynthia is completely brainwashed by her secret lover Nene and it’s cute. She says that everyone else likes to brag about what they have so why can’t her boo do the same? Nene tires of discussing Kim and Sheree and they discuss why the hell there are no men around. The ladies are treated to a perfectly stereotypical lesbian couple that explains they are in Miami during Lesbian Pride weekend. Cynthia keeps giggling nervously because, Nene hints that she might go to an event and Kandi just keeps laughing. In other words, these three are getting laid tonight!
Real Housewives of Atlanta 1113 nene surprised“Good thing I waxed!”

I’m definitely hormonal because before they even showed this scene, I was getting teary eyed. Sheree’s son Kairo is going through that teenage phase in which you really don’t want to talk to your parents much less on television. Sheree is taking him to get cleats and takes this opportunity to ask him about who he is dating. He acts like he doesn’t know what she’s talking about and then she starts mentioning how it would be great for his dad to do more things with him. Oh, this is so sad! He’s in that awkward phase and it is sad that his father isn’t there for him as much as he should be. The plus side is that Kairo’s gone from a size 12 to a size 14 shoe. That should make some money grubbing whore really happy someday. It turns out that Sheree’s gene mingling with Bob produced a potential star athlete, cha ching!
Real Housewives of Atlanta 1113 kairo “Stop using me to appear sympathetic mom. I’ve been reading the Menedez brothers biography and I’m easily inluenced.”

The girls are now going on a mini house hunt. Nene has decided that she may need to move to Miami in order to get her own spinoff. The house they are looking at is like something out of Architectural Digest. It’s got a pool, wide open spaces, an oceanview…in other words, it’s out of Nene’s price range. Celebrity Apprentice may have given Nene a nice check but it won’t even cover the property taxes on this place. Cynthia keeps insisting that Nene is rich and she should buy the house so Cynthia can “visit” and they can presumably “do all the lesbian sex”. Can I be the first to coin the phrase “Friend of Nene”?
Back in Atlanta, Sheree and Kim have lunch. Kim discusses how she and Kroy took their relationship slow. They moved so slow that her kids actually had time to learn how to spell his first and last name. Kim asks Sheree if she would consider having more children if her future man wanted one. Two issues: this assumes that Sheree is lovable and it assumes that her eggs aren’t as dry as her edges.
Real Housewives of Atlanta 1113 sheree at lunch

Sheree is kind enough to point out her edges and they’re dry. This message was brought to you by the letter: Black People.

Later on we get to see what everyone’s been hiding under those clothes and Kandi’s body is crazy! I love, love, love the fact that we get to see some thickness on this show! To some, Kandi probably looks lilke a cow. I’m not going to say that I want to look exactly like her but the booty? It’s sick! Kandi is all right with me. Damn, I spent a whole paragraph talking about her body. Nene was there too. Oh and Cynthia. They were fine. I guess. I couldn’t see past Kandi’s thighs.
Real Housewives of Atlanta 1113 nene and kandi on beach Nene: Ooops! I spilled some mojito. You like mojitos don’t you Kandi? Bam! Lick it off.

Kandi: I love rich bitches!

Real Housewives of Atlanta 1113 nene and cynthia on beach

Cynthia: Hey guys. Still here. Cynthia Bailey. The World’s First Supermodel…to move to Atlanta.

Phaedra goes for a walk with Apollo and the Ayden, the baby, and they discuss her desire to open a funeral home. First of all, Ayden is hands down the cutest baby I have ever seen on a Real Housewives franchise. I want to eat his little face! Anyway, Phaedra tells Apollo about her plan to open a funeral home and she asks if he’ll pick up the bodies, talk to the families or drive the hearse and he says no to all of his choices. You see, Apollo didn’t “ask for this.” He’s got a business that includes asset recovery and transporting things back to Atlanta and Phaedra dismisses it as a hobby of sorts; sounds like another 7-10 with no possibility of parole to me. She lets Apollo know that unlike him, she does not do anything that she is not passionate about. That’s the kind of passive aggression that will get a chick left in a hurry.

Real Housewives of Atlanta 1113 apollo “You’re right. I married your dumb ass.

Sweetie is busy throwing together a surprise party at Kim’s house. She’s stressed but I don’t understand why because it looks like she bought some wine from the local grocery store and had Brielle make ham sandwiches with her feet to serve the guests. This is a far cry from the opulence of the RHONJ requisite Brownstone parties or every party the RHOBH has ever thrown, including the one for a five year old that cost six figures. It’s basically seven friends in a tight ass kitchen. To top it all off, the editors are kind enough to include a shot of Sweetie rearranging the strawberries on the table-with her fingers! If her head is up Kim’s ass 24/7, imagine where her hands have been! Kim and Kroy go out for lunch and they talk about eventually buying their son a gun and other things that didn’t interest me. They get back to the house and while all of her guests secretly await in the kitchen, Kim walks into the house and pees. Loudly. Kroy, the surprise assassin, tells Kim that he has a surprise and has her close her eyes. Kim has been given all kinds of parties and huge diamonds from Big Poppa. It’s going to take a lot for a surprise to impress her.
Real Housewives of Atlanta 1113 kroy and kim i hope not“I sure hope that the surprise isn’t a room full of Black people.”
Real Housewives of Atlanta 1113 group at kims partyThis is awkward.
Real Housewives of Atlanta 1113 kim surpriseKim: Um, err, uhhh. Do something Sweetie! Put on the Cha Cha Slide.
Real Housewives of Atlanta 1113 kims surprise

And all is forgiven.

Unfortunately, Kim can’t wear or sell her friends, except for Sweetie, and she seems less than thrilled. Riley, Kandi’s daughter, and Arianna, Kim’s daughter, chat and it turns out that Arianna has a boyfriend. It’s simply shocking that Kim’s pre-pubescent daughter has a boyfriend. Ha! Just kidding. I’m sure she’ll get her own spin off: 12 & Pregnant. Don’t judge! Shes a late bloomer. Riley says that her mom would whoop her butt hard as she could if she had a boyfirned. Ariana can’t believe that Riley has morals and a mother that disciplines her children. It sounded a little scripted but it drove the point home. Sheree and Kim start talking about the trip to Miami and Kandi brings up the “I’m rich” comment. They all start bringing up the past again. They discuss Nene not having furniture in her house, her vehicle being repossesed and her messed up teeth. I don’t know why but I have never been into making fun of things like that. My one soft spot is for clearly embarassing things that can’t necessarily be helped like messed up teeth, bad skin, uneven legs or being Phaedra’s husband. Kroy gets a taste of Phaedra’s law skills when she starts grilling him about marrying Kim. After all, Phaedra is a proper Southern woman. She did the right thing and got married as soon as she found out she was knocked up. This weekend I caught the marathon of last season and Phaedra said that she had fertility issues and that was why she lied about Ayden’s due date. However, Apollo got out of jail in July and she had Ayden in May. It must have been hard to be infertile for a whole week or as the rest of us call it, menstruation. I still want to know how that came together. Well, not literally. I’m sure it included a lot of lube and blindfolds. Phaedra offers Kroy her preacher mom’s services; she can marry them in ten minutes or less. If the ceremony is longer than that, she may eat them. Damn, there goes my soft spot. Phaedra starts complaining that she is not getting enough sex and Kim thinks it’s strange. I think it’s strange that the kids appear to be present for this adult conversation. It should make Arianna’s boyfriend really happy though.

That’s it for this week. Did I miss any deets? I watched this episode about five times but I felt like each time I caught a little more. I feel bad for Nene in the sense that she only has Cynthia at this point. She put herself in this position though. It’ll be interesting to see how the season plays out without her interacting with the whole cast. What did you think? I can’t wait for Peter and Apollo’s confrontation next week!
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18 Comments

  1. 1
    Poopsicle
    Posted November 17, 2011 at 6:01 am

    This show sucks compared to BH and NJ. It’s kind of getting OC’ish to me, like what’s the point of it now? There’s really nothing interesting going on, everyone hates or wont film with Nene. (except that boring, ass kissing praying mantis) Nene getting a couple million and acting like a nouveau riche asshole is a story?. Big fucking deal, it really is true that those that have it don’t talk about it. Nene has NO place to talk shit on Kandi’s body. I thought she looked great too, sure she’s thick but she has a small waist and a nice shape. Nene is built like Alice the Goon! There’s really nothing else to comment on.

  2. 2
    Classy Drunk classy drunk
    Posted November 17, 2011 at 6:09 am

    I can’t see the recap!!!!

  3. 3
    PlathAddict PlathAddict
    Posted November 17, 2011 at 6:21 am

    There is something really strange happening with the recap layout. Nothing shows up on the first page.

  4. 4
    adelefig
    Posted November 17, 2011 at 6:57 am

    Oh poopsicle you gave me a big snorty laugh with your Alice the goon comment! That takes me back! Thanks

  5. 5
    Runswithscissors
    Posted November 17, 2011 at 7:46 am

    I cracked up at the alice the goon comment too, hilarious!

  6. 6
    sheesh
    Posted November 17, 2011 at 8:04 am

    Didn’t Nene have her titties done last year?
    Why are her titties still hovering an inch above her belly button?
    That bracelet Kim got was FUG.

  7. 7
    Classy Drunk Classy Drunk
    Posted November 17, 2011 at 8:13 am

    She obviously had her boobs done by the same quack that put those extra large veneers in her mouth.

  8. 8
    Joslyn
    Posted November 17, 2011 at 10:14 am

    Just go to page two-the recap is there. I thought Kandi’s body was awesome, too-she is my goal. :)

  9. 9
    Flipit
    Posted November 17, 2011 at 11:25 am

    The formatting is wack! Sorry L Boog! Fixed. Hilarious work my lady

  10. 10
    Classy Drunk Classy Drunk
    Posted November 17, 2011 at 11:49 am

    Sweetie: There’s make up for black girls and there’s make up for white girls. Please stop playing in Kim’s make up and get some colors that are more suitable for your skin color. You look like a clown that flunked out of clown college.

    It’s best that you have your own prayer cloth or wear the appropriate length skirt because nothing will embarrass your mother more if one of the ushers or deaconesses has to come and cover you up b/c your upper thigh is distracting the men of God in the church.

    Cynthia is an idiot and not a good friend. While I don’t think Nene ever had intentions on buying the 9 million dollar property (I am sure the realtor thanks her for wasting their time), Cynthia seems like the type that would get you into a bad investment. I.E. investing in one of Peter’s business ventures.

    “sounds like another 7-10 with no possibility of parole to me” and “It must have been hard to be infertile for a whole week or as the rest of us call it, menstruation” – LOLOLOLOLOL!!!

    Kandi does have a great body. She has a womanly figure. And it seems to be all hers so that’s even better. I wonder how Nene was about to sit there with her droopy boobs and be comfortable.

    Nene should bring it down just a shade because as quick as she got the money the money can go away. Refer to your husband Greg. And also rich people never have to say they are rich. They just are.

  11. 11
    DJ
    Posted November 17, 2011 at 12:58 pm

    That line about I’m sure hope it’s not a room of black people really cracked me up. Great Recap L Boogie!

  12. 12
    TWhit
    Posted November 17, 2011 at 1:57 pm

    L Boogie, your recap was 1000X better than the show. Bravo needs you.

    Who was waiting for Nene to pull at Dana Wilkey and start talking about how much her shades were? It’s coming.

    I can’t wait for the fight next week, and I hate to keep bring up BH, but Peter scares me more than Russell ever did. Team Apollo FTW.

  13. 13
    Tvsnarkeling
    Posted November 17, 2011 at 2:27 pm

    This RH series is a yawner. You really have to pay attention to remember anything that Cindy contributes to a conversation. Maybe she is there to bring Peter and to be a backdrop for NeNe. And what was Nene wearing on the beach? Couldn’t she afford something stylish.

    The only thing Phaedra is passionate about is money and not caring for the breaved. There is something a miss when Apollo is not putting out enough for Phaedra that she announces it. More pictures of him will make me happy. Can you call Bravo and have him take his shirt off a few times? It might boost ratings.

    Who is the lone white woman at the b-day party standing in the background?? The cleaning lady? Nanny? In house pooper scooper?

  14. 14
    Thatswhatshesaid
    Posted November 17, 2011 at 7:06 pm

    What ever happened to Kim’s one white friend who she talked to in season 2 (I think) about marrying Big Poppa?

  15. 15
    NotWithoutMyTV
    Posted November 18, 2011 at 5:46 am

    >>>>That’s the kind of passive aggression that will get a chick left in a hurry.

    Or get a chick’s eye socket broken by an ex-con husband with poor problem-solving skills.

    So NeNe needs to escape the “hattahs” in Atlanta. Ever noticed how the people who have the most problems with “hattahs” are the ones who constantly do things that make people hate them? Weird.

    How much do you think Bravo paid Willie to change his tune from “Willie’s pretty busy around here”, to “Willie will make it happen,” when Willie clearly thinks Phaedra’s career in undertaking is as promising as a Civil War leg wound.

    What the cameras didn’t catch were the sea gulls circling above NeNe. Waiting for the blubber to warm in the sun, and start to rot.

  16. 16
    LAC LAC
    Posted November 18, 2011 at 8:02 am

    Great recap and loved the “Hope it’s not a room of black people”

    NeNe – she’s being critical of Kandi’s body? Really, bitch? Those boobs are going to need to be tucked into her shoes soon to keep from tripping over them. And for NeNe to escape the “HATTAHS”, she would have to parachute in a remote part of the amazon.

    Sheree – her poor teenage son looked like he wanted the earth to swallow him up. I am looking forward to watching Sheree do her best to bring her son and ex-husband together and…wait…what?

    Phaedra – Dear Bravo, please have Apollo take his shirt off or wear a wife beater. Sincerely, those of us who do not want to hear anymore about the funeral business. Oh, and the baby is scrumptious.

    Kandi – love you…get away from NeNe

    Cynthia – of course you do not want to talk about sex. How do you make a penis pump and viagra sound sexy to your girlfriends?

    Kim – yes, hearing you pee and talk about peeing was fascinating. At least it didn’t require auto tune to make it bearable.

  17. 17
    kthxbai
    Posted November 18, 2011 at 11:34 am

    @L Boogie 5 times!?! That’s dedication!

    I wouldn’t count it as a deet but 1 impression I had that was different from yours was that the conversationette between the little girls sounded rehearsed like a 5th grade school play where they make everybody say lines whether they want to or not. Or even should. Especially should.

    Thank you so much and a bucket of Word! for giving praise to them showing women with real life bodies!

    I was thinking the same thing about Kandi! I didn’t figure out that she’s put on weight though, I just thought she had a better stylist that was making her put more flattering clothes on!

    Anyway, with her new figure and her new hair she looks awesome! I didn’t realize how pretty she is till this season.

    My guess is that the radio show and her sex toy company is just business which she’s very talented at. But I bet in her real not on TV personal life she’s actually very private and probably even a little bit old fashioned. No matter how many condiments and toppings she lets people put on her j.

    I thought a prayer cloth was 1 of those things televangelists send out in those mailings that are made to look like handwriting that say Dear Sister or Brother Your First Name in it about 6 times that you get when they buy the mailing list of any charity you ever sent $10 to.

    They’re supposed to have been blessed by the televangelist and you’re supposed to put it on the TV and hold it there and pray when the show comes on after you’ve sent in your love and faith offering in the enclosed return envelope.

    Once your check clears the preacher will ask God to reward you with a money blessing. And if you don’t get blessed the next mailing will tell you you need to have more faith and send a bigger mustard seed of dollars.

    Except in recent yrs it’s not a prayer cloth anymore. It’s more like a prayer paper towel for cost containment reasons.

    I might be wrong but I think no matter how mad at him she is right now Nene’s still totally in love with Gregg and separated or divorced or not, doing it with a boy would feel like she was cheating on him.

    So if she’s thinking about swimming in the lady pond or even wading in it a little bit, it’s because she’s 1 of those people that in her mind that’s a way she could get some and it wouldn’t count.

    Maybe the reason Sheree’s so broke is from her son’s feet growing so much. Those big sizes cost extra. I know because Mr thxbai’s feet have their own zip code and we count his shoes as a Major Purchase.

    I’m in TV pet love with Kim’s new dog. I hope after she has the baby and or gets tired of it she’ll send it to a good Forever Home.

    I know it’s trendy and cheesy but I have a weakness for teacup Pomeranians, whether they have any sense or not. Even the challenged 1s are adorable, with their little pink tongues all hanging out, all cute and not a scrap of brain!

    The 1 Bridget on Girls Next Door had didn’t have a lick of sense but I just loved its stupid little face so much!

    (I have an excuse for typing so much today. I had wisdom tooth drama and got pills that make me chatty so watch out for TMI)

  18. 18
    NotWithoutMyTV
    Posted November 18, 2011 at 6:16 pm

    @kthxbai: Regarding your comment about NeNe, the place you initially went wrong was ascribing human feelings and emotions to what is clearly a wild beast that has been taught to walk upright and wear ugly clothes.

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