So, this is what’s been happening in Atlanta:
Kim and Kroy get a gun so they can go a-huntin’. Whether it’s for Negroes or bear, I can’t say for sure. All I know is a room full of the Whites with the guns makes me bulimia nervosa. And please don’t take that the wrong way. I love all people. No one wants to get impregnated by Zack Morris more than me! But yeah, White people with guns…
“I so wish I’d had a gun when I was dating Big Poppa. I would’ve Amy Fishered myself right into that mansion.”
Phaedra decides, with no help from Bravo execs at all, to put together a trip to Africa for the girls. They visit a museum for research. Thank God it’s not Black History month yet…
Phaedra: Everybody knows slavery produces the best abs.
Sheree: Lol girl! Now see if he has a twenty in his She by Sheree antebellum skirt. I need to get hedge clippers to take off the kid’s braces.
Phaedra takes a little time to call the Executive Super Exalted Very Fine Captain of the country but she has a poor connection and communication skills.
Nene is on the brink of becoming the biggest African American pizza store owner since Daddy Green de la Harlem. Unfortunately, that requires her to put in time with John, the slimy Albanian. Never fear! Nene gets a consolation prize of spiked Loubotins. John has finally taken the hint; women like him better when they’ve gouged out their eyes.
“You’re so much more attractive when a Loubotin is blocking your face.”
All the girls get together for a court ordered dinner and Momma Joyce is present, sauced and eager to see Ebony and Ivory reunite.
Joyce: Kim, say hi to Nene.
Joyce: Nene say hi to Kim.
Joyce: You be saying no, no, no, no, no when it’s really yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Nene: Have you been drinking?
Joyce: Absolutely not! I just don’t want to see what happened to Destiny’s Child happen to you.
Kim: You mean how one overbearing parent controlled the group and made the others quit?
Joyce: No, I meant how one uppity blond bitch tried to steal the spotlight, eventually married up and had a baby as a carefully calculated career move while leaving the others in the dust including that controlling parent who was riding their coattails to fame. Now say hi bitches!
Nene: Hi Kim.
Kim: Hi Nene.
It turns out that Joyce was drinking but she didn’t realize that she was. I’m glad to hear that because if I was Kandi I would’ve pulled out the Shady Pines brochures. Everyone departs after Nene states that she will not be going to Africa. Kandi, Joyce and Cynthia try to convince her to go but she insists that she’s not interested. Kim declines because of the “baby” but we all know it’s because she can’t take her gun with her. Sheree and Kim depart to discuss more important issues: how to land an NFL player.
Kim: So you’ve really never heard of a shocker? It all starts with these two fingers…
Kandi continues her campaign to get Nene to go to Africa while Cynthia half heartedly chimes in.
Cynthia: You should come to Africa, Nene. You’re breasts are sure to land you in a National Geographic spread. And your areolas?! Can you say feature story?
“You better go to Africa or I’ll cut Cynthia’s bangs again.”
“And if you do go, I promise I’ll let you in on the shocker. It all starts with these two fingers…”
Nene is really hanging tough with Marlo these days and I mean that literally. Marlo didn’t just cut up a girl’s face and violate probation more times than ODB, her victim ended up killing herself years later. Sad stuff…but Nene doesn’t mind. Marlo’s taken slashing to societal levels that of which Freddy Krueger could only dream.
Marlo: I actually have a severed head in this Chanel bag. I can palm it like a basketball on account of my man hands.
Nene: That’s fabulous. I mean I tuned you out after you said Chanel but I’m sure everything you just said was fabulous.
Next up, we’re treated to a Rocky IV training sequence RHOA style. Kandi wants to lose twenty pounds and is training the old fashioned way while Kim is using fancy schmancy, no movement required techniques to lose her weight. Kandi’s looks more fun; I’ve always wanted to flip tires and do that American Gladiator type workout minus the camel toe and steroids. However, I like the idea of my body being wrapped so tight that I suddenly have a Nicki Minaj ass and a football player’s balls under my wig.
“If you can’t give yourself head, I don’t see any point in being here.”
Despite the fact that Kim just moved into a katrillion dollar, 80 gillion square foot house, she has to get her freaky weight loss treatments in the kitchen.
Kroy: Honey, I know you get jealous but KJ has to be wrapped up. He’s a baby!
Kim: And I’m a mummy! Haha! Get it? Where’s my pork rind cupcakes?
Peter: I’ll miss you sweetheart but my friend Ramon said he’ll come keep me company.
Cynthia: I’ll miss you too sugar plum. I’ll be sure to bring you some authentic African fruit that hasn’t passed FDA regulations.
In the meantime Nene decides to go to Africa because Marlo has agreed to join her. Before Sheree even said it, I too was wondering if Marlo was allowed to leave the country. Apparently she is. Then again, her passport is probably pre-op and ‘Marlon’ is free to travel the world as he sees fit.
Kim is having dinner with her baby daddy because he is leaving for training camp in the next couple of days. She teases Kroy with a surprise she has in honor of his going away.
Kim: What’s black, white and red all over?
Kroy: I don’t know. What?
Kim: Sweetie’s skull being slammed into my white marble counter top if she f%&ked up my surprise.
Kim: Aren’t you glad I didn’t say orange?
Kim: I think I messed that up. I meant the part about Sweetie though.
Kim, in true asshole form, goes back home without calling Sweetie to warn her, and expects everything to be finished. See, it’s this s&%t right here that I don’t like. Maybe they scripted it, maybe it’s editing but it seems that both parties confirm that Kim just went back to the house without warning. Candles can not be lit an hour in advance and bathwater surely can not be run that far in advance either. Why couldn’t Kim just call or text to give Sweetie a time frame? Instead, she gets pissed that her lame ass surprise was ruined and basically calls Sweetie a moron for not being able to pull this off. Is Sweetie the fluffiest tampon in the pack? Probably not. But I am totally getting where Nene is coming from with that whole slave comment last season. There’s just something about a bosomy White woman in ridiculous clothing calling her Black assistant a moron and a bitch that just doesn’t look or feel good. For the record, I wouldn’t like to hear anyone spoken to like that and that’s why I cut people like that out of my life. Can’t you see the distance between her and Sweetie widening? Kim really is on her high horse now that she’s got a man who’ll publicly claim her and the episiotomy to go with it.
What was Kim’s big surprise anyway? Was she gonna serenade Kroy with that big ass 1987 boombox that she has sitting next to her Versace candlesticks? I swear…if I see one more copycat John Cusack boombox scene…
And why were Kim’s parent’s there? How creepy was it that her dad just busted in the bathroom with sex jokes and rapey eyes?! I can’t wait to see how Sweetie managed to get out of this Flowers in the Basement creep-fest.
The rest of the girls head to the airport to leave for Africa. Phaedra and Apollo have a tender moment.
“I’m gonna miss you Apollo.”
“Can you start calling me Ramon? It makes me feel right.”
Even Momma Joyce shows up to say goodbye and earn SAG credits.
“Sheree, I just love your hair. Who does it?”
“Twenty bucks will get you a name and a business card. For another ten, I’ll personally throw away that wig.”
And then the midget team is thoroughly shocked when Marlo shows up at the airport to join them on the trip. Let the games begin. Of course the game won’t be fair. Phaedra, Kandi and Sheree will spend most of their time biting the other women’s kneecaps.
This isn’t tense at all.
These bitches cray! See ya next week!
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