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Friday, January 27, 2012
6:48 pm
15 Comments
So, this is what’s been happening in Atlanta:
Kim and Kroy get a gun so they can go a-huntin’. Whether it’s for Negroes or bear, I can’t say for sure. All I know is a room full of the Whites with the guns makes me bulimia nervosa. And please don’t take that the wrong way. I love all people. No one wants to get impregnated by Zack Morris more than me! But yeah, White people with guns…
“I so wish I’d had a gun when I was dating Big Poppa. I would’ve Amy Fishered myself right into that mansion.”
Phaedra decides, with no help from Bravo execs at all, to put together a trip to Africa for the girls. They visit a museum for research. Thank God it’s not Black History month yet…
Phaedra: Everybody knows slavery produces the best abs.
Sheree: Lol girl! Now see if he has a twenty in his She by Sheree antebellum skirt. I need to get hedge clippers to take off the kid’s braces.
Phaedra takes a little time to call the Executive Super Exalted Very Fine Captain of the country but she has a poor connection and communication skills.
“Hello? Africa?”
Nene is on the brink of becoming the biggest African American pizza store owner since Daddy Green de la Harlem. Unfortunately, that requires her to put in time with John, the slimy Albanian. Never fear! Nene gets a consolation prize of spiked Loubotins. John has finally taken the hint; women like him better when they’ve gouged out their eyes.
“You’re so much more attractive when a Loubotin is blocking your face.”
All the girls get together for a court ordered dinner and Momma Joyce is present, sauced and eager to see Ebony and Ivory reunite.
Joyce: Kim, say hi to Nene.
Kim: No
Joyce: Nene say hi to Kim.
Nene: No.
Joyce: You be saying no, no, no, no, no when it’s really yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Nene: Have you been drinking?
Joyce: Absolutely not! I just don’t want to see what happened to Destiny’s Child happen to you.
Kim: You mean how one overbearing parent controlled the group and made the others quit?
Joyce: No, I meant how one uppity blond bitch tried to steal the spotlight, eventually married up and had a baby as a carefully calculated career move while leaving the others in the dust including that controlling parent who was riding their coattails to fame. Now say hi bitches!
Nene: Hi Kim.
Kim: Hi Nene.
It turns out that Joyce was drinking but she didn’t realize that she was. I’m glad to hear that because if I was Kandi I would’ve pulled out the Shady Pines brochures. Everyone departs after Nene states that she will not be going to Africa. Kandi, Joyce and Cynthia try to convince her to go but she insists that she’s not interested. Kim declines because of the “baby” but we all know it’s because she can’t take her gun with her. Sheree and Kim depart to discuss more important issues: how to land an NFL player.
Kim: So you’ve really never heard of a shocker? It all starts with these two fingers…
Kandi continues her campaign to get Nene to go to Africa while Cynthia half heartedly chimes in.
Cynthia: You should come to Africa, Nene. You’re breasts are sure to land you in a National Geographic spread. And your areolas?! Can you say feature story?
“You better go to Africa or I’ll cut Cynthia’s bangs again.”
“And if you do go, I promise I’ll let you in on the shocker. It all starts with these two fingers…”
Nene is really hanging tough with Marlo these days and I mean that literally. Marlo didn’t just cut up a girl’s face and violate probation more times than ODB, her victim ended up killing herself years later. Sad stuff…but Nene doesn’t mind. Marlo’s taken slashing to societal levels that of which Freddy Krueger could only dream.
Marlo: I actually have a severed head in this Chanel bag. I can palm it like a basketball on account of my man hands.
Nene: That’s fabulous. I mean I tuned you out after you said Chanel but I’m sure everything you just said was fabulous.
Next up, we’re treated to a Rocky IV training sequence RHOA style. Kandi wants to lose twenty pounds and is training the old fashioned way while Kim is using fancy schmancy, no movement required techniques to lose her weight. Kandi’s looks more fun; I’ve always wanted to flip tires and do that American Gladiator type workout minus the camel toe and steroids. However, I like the idea of my body being wrapped so tight that I suddenly have a Nicki Minaj ass and a football player’s balls under my wig.
“If you can’t give yourself head, I don’t see any point in being here.”
Despite the fact that Kim just moved into a katrillion dollar, 80 gillion square foot house, she has to get her freaky weight loss treatments in the kitchen.
Kroy: Honey, I know you get jealous but KJ has to be wrapped up. He’s a baby!
Kim: And I’m a mummy! Haha! Get it? Where’s my pork rind cupcakes?
Peter: I’ll miss you sweetheart but my friend Ramon said he’ll come keep me company.
Cynthia: I’ll miss you too sugar plum. I’ll be sure to bring you some authentic African fruit that hasn’t passed FDA regulations.
In the meantime Nene decides to go to Africa because Marlo has agreed to join her. Before Sheree even said it, I too was wondering if Marlo was allowed to leave the country. Apparently she is. Then again, her passport is probably pre-op and ‘Marlon’ is free to travel the world as he sees fit.
Kim is having dinner with her baby daddy because he is leaving for training camp in the next couple of days. She teases Kroy with a surprise she has in honor of his going away.
Kim: What’s black, white and red all over?
Kroy: I don’t know. What?
Kim: Sweetie’s skull being slammed into my white marble counter top if she f%&ked up my surprise.
Kroy: Wha?
Kim: Aren’t you glad I didn’t say orange?
Kroy: Wha?
Kim: I think I messed that up. I meant the part about Sweetie though.
Kim, in true asshole form, goes back home without calling Sweetie to warn her, and expects everything to be finished. See, it’s this s&%t right here that I don’t like. Maybe they scripted it, maybe it’s editing but it seems that both parties confirm that Kim just went back to the house without warning. Candles can not be lit an hour in advance and bathwater surely can not be run that far in advance either. Why couldn’t Kim just call or text to give Sweetie a time frame? Instead, she gets pissed that her lame ass surprise was ruined and basically calls Sweetie a moron for not being able to pull this off. Is Sweetie the fluffiest tampon in the pack? Probably not. But I am totally getting where Nene is coming from with that whole slave comment last season. There’s just something about a bosomy White woman in ridiculous clothing calling her Black assistant a moron and a bitch that just doesn’t look or feel good. For the record, I wouldn’t like to hear anyone spoken to like that and that’s why I cut people like that out of my life. Can’t you see the distance between her and Sweetie widening? Kim really is on her high horse now that she’s got a man who’ll publicly claim her and the episiotomy to go with it.
What was Kim’s big surprise anyway? Was she gonna serenade Kroy with that big ass 1987 boombox that she has sitting next to her Versace candlesticks? I swear…if I see one more copycat John Cusack boombox scene…
And why were Kim’s parent’s there? How creepy was it that her dad just busted in the bathroom with sex jokes and rapey eyes?! I can’t wait to see how Sweetie managed to get out of this Flowers in the Basement creep-fest.
The rest of the girls head to the airport to leave for Africa. Phaedra and Apollo have a tender moment.
“I’m gonna miss you Apollo.”
“Can you start calling me Ramon? It makes me feel right.”
Even Momma Joyce shows up to say goodbye and earn SAG credits.
“Sheree, I just love your hair. Who does it?”
“Twenty bucks will get you a name and a business card. For another ten, I’ll personally throw away that wig.”
And then the midget team is thoroughly shocked when Marlo shows up at the airport to join them on the trip. Let the games begin. Of course the game won’t be fair. Phaedra, Kandi and Sheree will spend most of their time biting the other women’s kneecaps.
This isn’t tense at all.
These bitches cray! See ya next week!
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15 Comments
@L-Boogie, I seem to recall reading an article earlier in the season that suggested that Sweetie either was fired or quit. I don’t necessarily agree that Sweetie gets treated like a slave, because slaves don’t get paid, but that Kim expects Sweetie to understand her whims. If Sweetie falls down on the job, it’s her fault, rather than Kim’s for not giving her time to produce. But, would we love Kim as much if she took responsibility for her delusional behavior?
http://www.realitytea.com/2011/10/03/rhoa-kim-zolciak-fired-assistant-sweetie-hughes-plus-nene-leakes-becomes-a-restaurant-owner/
L Boogie, I just realized the ridiculous situation this show puts you in as the recapper. You feel obliged to explain that your discomfort about Kim’s mistreatment of her black personal assistant would exist even if there wasn’t a racial element. And political correctness requires you to do so, even when Bravo has purposefully engineered a situation where an ignorant, rich, Southern white woman treats–and mistreats–a hapless black girl as her slave.
In a fair world, Bravo would feel the need to explain itself, not you!
Kim is a total idiot. Pointing a firearm at another person and using it to protect ourselves is a right we have as Americans. I doubt seriously that anyone who had to resort to this did it with the look of glee that Kim used while pointing a firearm at that man’s head.
Old Kim looked like this was a fucking party favor she was waving around. She not only had a gun pointed at another persons head, she also had her finger on the trigger. LOL all the way. There could have been a load in the chamber. For all those that would say she had the safety on, or are confident that they would have removed all the live rounds before filming, I say horseshit! The only way to not shoot someone in the head is to not aim a gun at a person’s head. There are deaths every day from guns that “dont have rounds in them or were on safety.”
I cannot believe that she has aged this long and has no clue how to conduct herself. Smiling and laughing while pointing a gun at someones head? How is this funny? BTW, you can see the suprise in everyones face. Because a normal person doesnt lol and point a gun at someones head. With their finger on the trigger.
As a Mother, she should be embarrassed, Laughing and pointing a gun at someones head…
Aaahahahahaaa on the “Marlo/Marlon” comment, LBoogie! This character has been suspect from the jump, what with how huge she is, those enormous hands…wasn’t there some buzz about a year ago that Bravo would be introducing a transgendered character to one of its Horsewives franchises? **running off to Google**
Well, we don’t all love Kim and her antics. Funny, Sweetie was perfectly fine to hang with and yell at until: a) Brielle cried more that she was going out of town than over her own mom, b) Kim got called out by Nene and the public about how she talks to Sweetie and c) Kim got herself a slightly younger, live-in man (w/a nice house and a nice butt, to boot). Brielle looked pretty grown up in that bikini. She better watch out and do some work, or she may be hitting the bricks next.
I hope they signed a confidentiality contract, because Sweetie’s probably got some awesome Big Poppa-related stories to tell!
On another note: If my Daddy ever hung around to cheer me on just as I was about to knock boots with my man, I’d be scarred for life! Oh. My. Gosh!
Kim needs to get over herself!! Your man is going back to work, so you can keel up your lazy ass lifestyle. Camp was less than an hour away. You can talk to him every night. Its not like he is stuck on a 9 month deployment and you can only talk every 6 weeks or so. Sheesh!!
Not sure if I really want to keep up on ATL…looking forward to OC though:)
I love Kim. Yeah I said it. Judge away.
Atlanta — some people are dressed up for EVERYTHING. Why you need 6″ heels to trek though that giant airport is beyond me. I wear heels almost every day but at the airport who wants to have to take those off go through security then try and strap them all back up. Waste. Of. Time.
I believe mama Joyce sees the situation like Kandi’s issues with Xscape. It seems the break up still makes Kandi a little sad and so mama Joyce is trying to mend the situation. There’s not much you can do when someone’s mama is asking you to do something but politely decline or clinch your teeth and barrel through.
Sharee has to use beg barrow and steal she has two Berkin Bags and that new Louis Vuitton which is about 5K also. There’s no way she is making money like that.
How funny that out of Sheree’s “acting” career, Kim ended up with a husband and NeNe ended up on Glee. And why can’t NeNe meet an Albanian like Drita? She would put these bitches in their places or feed them to the wild bush animals. I vote for the latter.
L-Boogie, please tell me Flipit sends you treats for watching this heiffa fest?
Kim: Detestable cunt. No not the name of her next single – her! Lazy, personality free bitch who seems to have turned her parents, Sweetie, and her children into a staff catering to her and those skunky looking wigs. The less of her, the better. Still love you, classy drunk!!
Marlo – how the fuck did this trick tranny get a title of socialite? Did she borrow the Emily Post book of manners out of the prison library?
NeNe – So the road down boughie lane is walked in Louboutins? Well, they will make franchise sausage go down better.
Phaedra – you can make my new found love for you flounder on occasion (“hello, King of Africa? This is Phaedra Parks!” and your checking out the goods on the slave manequin. Really?) but still got the funniest lines, the cutest baby, and a fine ass husband. So, we cool.
Sheree – get ready for your “who’s gonna check me, boo?” moment coming up with Marlon. Can two brokeass,fronting heiffas visit South Africa without weavetastic results?
Not true. Kim’s got an excess of personality. It’s just trashy, vulgar, and off-putting.
And I think “socialite” is one of those self-given titles. No formal training needed.
Kim did say she tried to call twice, but no one answered.
Nelson Mandela fought apartheid for decades so that these dimwitted, trashy, ignorant heiffers could parade around South Africa doing what they do at home – lumber around in louboutins, drink champagne for no rhyme nor reason, and say “fabulous” while beating up on each other like the ghetto trash they are. I guess prior to the endless sacrifices of people like Mandela, only white, trailer trash like Kim could do that, so I guess that’s progress for you – equal rights for all racial groups to flaunt the trashiest of their trash.
Reality Tea is reporting that NeNe never came back from Africa. She was last seen happily slipping into a muddy river with a herd of hippopotamus.
A safari guide working with the Bravo film crew explained that the hippos–which are recognizable by their barrel-shaped torso, enormous mouth and teeth, nearly hairless body, and tremendous size–may have thought Ms. Leeks was an orphaned young hippo and adopted her into their herd.
Oh Lord! Just when you think these ho bags can’t get any trashier!
My alter ego Preachy McJudgington was about to bust a gusset!
I thought Phaedra and Sheree acting like that at the slavery exhibit was bad enough.
I wanted to make fun of the goofy museum guide. But thanks to their no home training asses I had to spend that whole scene in facepalm mode instead!
But then they got to Kim and I had to take a DOUBLE facepalm pause!
Who decides to have romantic bath night with company in the house? Much less their parents.
Somebody needs to educate Kim on what a hotel is for. Specially when you’ve got 3 baby sitters.
Please tell me she didn’t really have her mom and Sweetie crawling around putting down the candles and shit?
@L Boogie I think Kim would talk like that to anybody that was crazy enough to be her assistant. Even if she’d never gotten any boobs sewed on.
But I got that same feeling about her. From the very 1st season when she was talking about how she’s stuck in a white woman’s body.
I’m glad Sweetie finally decided to self emancipate.