Who knew the RHOA had such depressing background stories? I was looking forward to mocking their old faces and hairstyles, and I still will, but there’s a lot of sad stuff to muddle thrugh too. Somehow I’ll find the strength to skewer them. My life is so hard.
Not as hard as looking that this picture though.
Nene’s mom had her at a young age and wasn’t financially stable so Nene had to live with her aunt. Nene held a grudge against her mother but used it to fuel her dreams of one day making a career out of taking her anger out on others. She was a cheerleader, basketball player and member of 4-H in school. That’s an interesting combo. In my high school, the basketball players wouldn’t be caught dead cheerleading for football season and the basketball players would have flipped the 4-H tractor so that’s great that she was able to pul that off. Nene went off to college in Atlanta and met a guy at a club. She discovered that he was abusive when they were at a party on campus and he pulled off her fake ponytail. He cried, she cried and she knew it was love.
Bam! My ponytail is gone!
A few months into their relationship, Nene ended up pregnant and he claimed that it was not his. Nene dropped out and went home. Her mom was prepared to reunite with Nene at this point but before she could get there, she passed away. After that tragedy, Nene ended up getting back together with her son’s father. They stayed together for five years until one night he took her from her friend’s house at gunpoint in a jealous rage. That’s just rude! He was arrested that night though and she finally ended things with him. Fortunately, this led to the eventual founding of her charity, Twisted Hearts, which served as endless fodder for those who thought it sounded like an 80′s band or a Valentine candy from Spencer’s.
Nene ended up stripping to support herself and she admits that she enjoyed it, treated the men like ATMs and made so much money that she couldn’t stop. Why do parents always make stripping out to be a bad thing? She ended up meeting Greg “through a mutual friend” at a “martini bar” and he pursued her until she gave in out of boredom. In other words, she met him though another stripper at the club and found a sucker. Professionally, Nene was in traveling fashion shows and she was skinny! I don’t think she’s fat now but I was truly shocked. Nene then got a part in “Fighting Temptations” in which she played a stripper. She was also in a few TV shows until she landed RHOA.
I get the feeling that this marriage wasn’t legal in most states.
As a child, Kim was a Navy brat who developed her love for seamen at an early age. She was a good kid but when she got to high school, she discovered the joys of chain smoking and opening her legs to married men. Kim was kicked out of Catholic school for stealing an ice cream sandwich but it didn’t matter because she knew that she would be somebody. After all, she took ballet and jazz as a kid and got cake & flowers after her recitals. According to her, it was like having a wedding every year. FYI Kim, funerals have cake and flowers so let’s not get carried away here and 87 million other girls around the world, myself included, had the same dance experience. It doesn’t mean that you’re somebody. It means that your parents are hoping you won’t be a cow and it guarantees that for at least two hours a week you’ll be doing splits for a valid reason.
After high school, Kim wanted to go to Hollywood but her parents insisted that she go to school. After a year in a nursing program, Kim got pregnant with Brielle on account of her doing the splits in front of the local halfway house and she ended up moving away and worked to support herself. She finished nursing school and in 1999, Kim, her new boyfriend and her parents moved to Atlanta. The couple ended up getting married but they split up a few months later because her husband cheated on her while she was pregnant with her youngest daughter. You’d think that experience would have stopped Kim from being a husband poacher but it probably served as some bizarre inspiration. While in Atlanta, Kim met Big Poppa in a jewelry store and he pursued her all around town. Really? Kim? Kim’s previous face was decent at best and the Barbie doll wig just made matters worse but she must be telling the truth because we all know that he took care of her for a while. Even though I don’t get his attraction, I almost can’t blame her for going along with the program. At 29, I feel like I’ve been through so much to take care of myself that I would welcome an unmarried Big Poppa in a heartbeat. Shoot, I’ll take a Big Momma. Or a Big Herma (hermaphrodite). In 2001, Dumb and Dumber 2 was casting in Atlanta and Kim was in it but her scene was cut from the film becaue they couldn’t fit Dumb, Dumber and Dumberer on the movie poster. In 2009, she was in “The Joneses” but admits that she wanted an easy road to fame and stardom and RHOA provided just that.
Fresh Prince couture
Kandi’s father and mother divorced when she was young and she lost contact with him. Her mother remarried and although Kandi got along with him, her mother did not and that marriage ended too. Kandi’s older brother was really close to her and took care of her so he provided her with some of the male guidance she needed. He ended up discovering that Kandi could sing and introduced her to the former manager of TLC. Unfortunately, Kandi’s brother passed away in a car accident when she was in high school and it devastated her and her mother.
At the same time, Kandi started to audition for major labels and got a deal with Jermaine Dupri’s So So Def records. In high school, I was in a singing group and we sang a couple of Xscape’s songs. They were really successful but broke up when the inevitable ego clashes began. Kandi channeled her talent into writing for other groups and won a Grammy award for TLC’s “No Scrubs”. What Kandi didn’t share on this special is that her former group members claim that she was having sex with Jermaine Dupri and that led to the clashes. With a name like Kandi, does that even surprise you? As far as I’m concerned, anyone named Brandi, Kandi, Penny or Martha pretty much has their future sewn up and it’s not pretty.
I’ve never seen a cuter…bunch of flowers.
Cynthia was a gangly, mouth breathing, bucktoothed little girl when her parents split and her mom moved the family to Alabama. Her mom remarried and although he provided well, the stepfather was verbally abusive. By high school, Cynthia grew into her big head and teeth and became the first Black homecoming queen of her high school which is impressive in Alabama. She ended up being spotted by a Wilhemina rep and was flown to NYC to become a model.
For some reason, Cynthia didn’t enjoy the horror that was NYC in the 80s. I don’t care what anyone says, I remember going to NYC back then and all I remember is a homeless man covered in ants sleeping on the street. Granted, the apartment I went to was fabulous but the outside was like walking through the waiting room of hell. I don’t blame her for disliking it at that time. She started to doubt whether she could cut it or not.
She continued to model anyway and started making some good money after a few years. She was in a few movies, magazines and TV shows. She got engaged to NBA player Jayson Williams and actor Leon, with whom she had a daughter, but neither relationship worked out. According to Leon, she stresses over everything and he lives in the moment. It turns out that 20 years ago, Cynthia met Peter on a plane but they never spoke again. They met through a friend years later, fell in love and maintained a two year long distance relationship. Eventually she decided to relocate to Atlanta so they could be together and now they’re “happily” married.
This special was cute but I’m ready for the fireworks. When these ladies aren’t playing off of each other, Nene is still entertaining, Cynthia is more brain numbingly dull than usual and Kandi comes across as too accomplished for this. The only thing I didn’t know was that Nene had actually been in sitcoms before. I think it would have been far more interesting to add in delusional Sheree, whose name would have been pronounced with a long /e/ by her family and old friends because that’s really how it’s pronounced, with a dash of Phaedra for jaw dropping idiocy.