Welcome to another edition of the good ole Housewives franchise! This one takes place in Beverly Hills, so let’s see if these tight faced skanks can compete!
“The sun always shines in Beverly Hills, but not on everyone.”
Disco synthesizer horns! Limos! Class! Well, money. The class part remains to be seen. Frasier’s wife Camille tells us that everything might look perfect, but it’s not. It’s a land of make believe! You must live in a land of make believe if you think your ass looks perfect, Frasier’s wife.
Throw that thing back in the water and get rid of your fishing pole. These are dangerous waters.
As theme music from a Get Rich Buying Foreclosures infomercial from the 80′s plays, the Housewives tell us that the real currency in this town called Ye Ole Beverly Hills 90210 is status. You can get status with giant rings…
or even from looking hot! Cut to Camille. LOL editors. I guess they couldn’t put her pic in the actual “doinking someone” part.
The saline in those things could dry the eyes of every contact wearer in an entire football stadium.
One thing I’m going to have to let go of right now is my obsession with fake boobs. It’s hard cuz I just don’t get it. You pay thousands of dollars to carry weight of an obese person all in your chest? WHY? Is it supposed to look better? Cuz all I see is early onset osteoporosis. When Camille’s old her knuckles are gonna be dragging on the ground and those things are gonna be hitting her in the face every time she moves. Have fun with that, Shlemiel.
The only time I get relief is when I let them float.
Taylor: “I seem to have it all!…”
What you seem to have is the maximum legal amount of rubber allowed in one human being inside you. Don’t let Taylor near an open flame or she’s likely to unwittingly become an suicide bomber.
That girl looks like she’s wearing a Julia Roberts mask. She doesn’t look old. But she doesn’t look young. She looks like a hybrid of some sort.
Lisa: It’s all about who you know, and I know everyone dahlingsweetiedahlingsweetie. I loves me some British ladies. If they’re the fun drunk kind (Cat from DC). She looks like a Joan, but she seems like she might be a Linda.
Someone’s got a Claire’s addiction.
Adrienne: “Money is what I have, not what I am.” Deep thoughts. She’s boxing in her intro. I think that is supposed to show some kind of depth of character or something. All the women on Housewives look a little touched up here and there, but these ladies take the cake. It’s like literally watching a fishbowl. They seem to be asking their doctors for movie star faces. I think this girl was going for Gina Gershon.
Kim: “I was a child star and…” stop right there. That’s all you needed so say. I already can’t wait to see what crazy shit you’ve got all pent up inside you.
We’re just gonna block out that twitch. Try to smile.
Gorge. Hate her for her hair. I mean how is that fair? Is that real?
Kyle: “In a town full of phonies, I’m not afraid to be me!” I wouldn’t be afraid to be you, either. I’m not you, though, so I’ll stick to being phony, thanks. It pays the bills.
And finally, Camille: “I’m ready to step out of my husband’s shadow and shine.” You know under a blacklight this bitch will literally shine, right? And the last time I saw Camille come out of Frasier’s shadow was on the Oprah show, where Camille spoke up about her irritable bowl syndrome. Frasier looked mortified. Then they talked about Camille’s droppings for the rest of the hour. Now when I see her all I can think of is diarrhea. Sorry but it’s true.
Cut. I gotta go. BRB sorry.
Get to know this shot. You’ll see it a lot tonight.
First up is Lisa. She’s all flirty and sexy and laughy and stuff. She’s wearing a youthful fun hot pink, and she’s got a heavy neckpiece on. I don’t know what she’s trying to hide under there, but we’ll find out soon.
Lisa lives like a queen!
Just so we don’t get off on the wrong foot by assuming that Lisa isn’t hot just cuz she’s the oldest, this is the first shot we get of her:
She’s bringing the breakfast in bed to…her dog. LOL.
Cuter than men, and they shit in the house less.
Lisa is reeeeeeich. She comes with pretty much what you would expect a rich woman to. Huge house, fabulous things, old ass husband.
Lisa tells us that she married her man when she was 21. Smart move. Always have someone to be younger than. Ken calls her a sex object because “when he asks for sex, I object.” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!!! OK I love her. And I shall be loyal to her until I d…well, until it turns out that bitch be crazy. That always happens.
She only offers sex on Christmas and birthdays. And only his birthday. Hers is “another day off”. HA. Lisa makes frigidity seem downright glamorous. She too has obviously had work done, but on her it’s subtle. I suspect she spent her surgery money on turning her lady parts into an ice maker or some shit.
Ken loves his wife and says she’s one funny bitch. I would have to agree with ya, stud. They have two kids, but they’re adults now and they’ve left Lisa with a giant house filled with pink stuff and accidental old man farts. She’s decided that she’ll replace her kids with dogs. Meet Jiggy.
Yes, Jiggy. Her face looks like a chew toy to us, too.
Ken has two dogs too, and this couple loves them some tiny yappy fluff dogs. Lisa’s got another pet, though, and it’s way more expensive than her gay dog. It’s a gay leech!
Cedric the Entertainmeer
Lisa and Ken have owned restaurants and clubs, and Cedric was the doorman at their London gay club. He’s hot, he’s charming, he’s funny, and Lisa doesn’t have to fuck him. Totally worth the expense. He’s going on about how great he looks in his new headshots and shows off his new eyes. Lisa half assed compliments them. They looked taped open.
He asks for more compliments, but she says she could only come up with that one. HA. They’re cute. She tells us that she and Ken have tried moving far away from Leech three times but he keeps following them around. There’s one way to stop that. Lose your money.
The couple has come to love Cedric, and Ken just hopes the guy is really gay. Ken may be married to an ice machine, but it’s the hottest ice machine on their block. Cedric is totally comfortable with his leech status and says he plans on staying right where he is. Gross. But I guess girls shouldn’t be the only ones to suck the lifeblood out of people, not fuck them, and live like queens on this show.
You’re blocking my sun, a-hole.
Adrienne is next. She’s a Maloof girl, which means she’s also for real rich. She does the marketing for the family company, and she has her own money. Atta girl! I say if you’re that rich you should just look fifty. It’s your right! She kinda looks like a bowling ball made out of flesh covered rubber. Sally O’Malley would be mortified.
Go for the turkey, girl!
To be fair, she looked just as rubbery when she was younger. Just with worse roots.
She lists all the things her family business owns: The Kings Basketball team, The Palms casino in Vegas, a rubber factory, a lot of chandeliers, and a brand new framed picture of ole Georgie’s DUI mugshot. One look at this pic and you can kinda see where the surgery addiction comes from. For all we know, Adrienne could look like Meatloaf under there.
Get thee to the rubber factory.
They also own a music label, but you can’t take that too seriously cuz their featured rocker waxes his eyebrows. Janis Joplin is throwing up in her grave right now.
No, girl, no!
She goes into the workout villa to say hey to her plastic surgeon husband (nice move. That’s like me marrying into Mars co) and brag about meeting Obama at some fundraiser she threw. Her husband is a Republican, and he refused to go. She thinks it’s more important that he respect that we have an African American Prez now and look beyond politics and focus only on race. I think we will know that we’ve conquered race issues in this country when rich people stop patting themselves on the shoulder pads for voting for a black person and we can diss our Presidents equally.
Hell, she’s not sharing her money with him so there’s no reason to kiss butt and go to a lame fundraiser. She makes it very clear that she keeps their money separate. I think Adrienne might be too smart to be on a housewives show. It’s gonna be hard to rag on a bowling ball face I respect so much. I mean, I even respect her child rearing, and getting a parental compliment from me isn’t easy.
Add a ma’am to the end of that sentence next time, ya little ingrate!
She throws her kid to the ground like five times. Why? Cuz she can. I thank the Lord my mom is lazy. She was bad enough with the wooden spoon she kept in the glove compartment. And I think as anyone who’s been in a mall lately knows, children need to get their asses beat. Well done, Adrienne!
Adrienne doesn’t have many friends, cuz it’s hard to be rich and trust people. It’s hard to be poor and trust people too. But I guess poor people have it easier because people we meet generally don’t look like they’re about to invade our planet for its natural resources.
She is friends with Taylor, and over triple shot estrogen and embryonic stem cell lattes, A says she’s gonna get a group of girls together to go see the final Kings game of the season. That sounds like torture. Speaking of torture, let’s meet Camille Shlemiel Crane!
Camille’s opening shot is in the shadows, which is a good move, but in it she’s dancing. Not a good move. Or moves. She sucks. How she doesn’t bruise her face with those sacks of mortar I’ll never know. How she doesn’t make any money from dancing? I totally get.
Seriously, Shlemiel is terrible. I hope she goes on Dancing With the Stars next.
You looka likea jaylie feesha stingeen da ayverbodies! Italia salami pizza piea!
Shlemiel was a Playboy model (I mean dancer) and met Frasier on a blind date. The internet tells us this, of course. Not Shlemiel. That Frasier really looks for quality women. He went from a dancer to a stripper to knocking up a makeup artist to a Playboy model. Who says money can’t buy love? Wait! She was a real dancer! She was on Club MTV and has a picture as evidence. I don’t know what this is supposed to prove. She could be either one of these people or neither of them. We’ll need a more recent face, Shlemiel.
I saw on Oprah once that people tell you honestly who they are within the first five minutes of meeting them. Shlem tells us that dace is how she expresses herself. Expect her to be clumsy, uneducated and sloppy. Blame Oprah.
We might think we know Camille cuz she’s married to a celeb, but we don’t know her at all! I know you’ve got the runs all the time. That’s enough for me. Camille is already needy, insecure, starving for a personality, and completely un self-aware, and this is before she finds out her husband knocked up a 29 year old stewardess. The character study we are embarking on together is going to bear some serious fruit loops.
Maloof is gonna hate this bitch.
She has two kids and four nannies that rotate. LOL. That’s the way to have kids right there. One of them is semi cute, but it goes downhill from there.
On Watch What Happens Live, Bobblehead Andy asked Camille if she hired busted ass nannies on purpose so her man won’t cheat. LOL. That guy is so wrong. Well, if she does, it doesn’t work, apparently. Camille tells us that yes, her nannies do pretty much everything for the kids, but that doesn’t mean she’s a bad parent. If those kids don’t thank the Heavens every day for a mother rich enough to hire four homely girls just to wait on them, then they’re bad seeds and should be spanked. Who cares what kind of parent you are? Buy me something and I’ll get over it.
Now let’s watch Camille offer up evidence of good parenting!
Hey….you. Where’s your sister?
I don’t have a sister! I have a brother…
That’s what I meant. Don’t talk back. I’ll Candy Spelling your ass quicker than a sailor in whorehouse.
Brother didn’t make it for this segment, but Head Nanny assures Camille that the kid’s still breathing.
OK go away now.
She shows us her 17 acres. 17 ACRES. Tennis court, pool, Forever 21, Jamba Juice…she’s (married to a) super rich (guy) you guys. And look! It’s Kelsey Grammer of Frasier fame! He’s…just like Frasier. EW. He tells us that he’s been married to Shlemiel for 13 years now and it’s about time she went out and got some attention for herself. It’s hard to tell whether he’s being a dick or not. It doesn’t matter, he’s outta here anyway to do La Cage on Broadway. On the same day that shooting’s beginning for Housewives.
Good luck with this whole reality show thing, hon. I gotta go I’ll be late for my flight.
Camille asks what she’s supposed to do when the kids try and get near her. He hands her a pool scooper and tells her to just nudge them away.
Should I pick up another homely girl before I go, darling face love of my life?
Pretend I don’t taste like the eraser end of a No. 2 pencil right now.
Everything seems fine as Fras drives off, and Camille tells us that this is her chance to show the world that she’s her own person! Now let’s count how many times she says “Kelsey” this episode.
Taylor is from a middle class family in Oklahoma but she knew as a kid that she was destined for something big. It ended up being her mouth, but destiny is what it is.
Taylor wishes she could be happy as an average Joe in Hannibal MO, but she’s got huge aspirations and an addiction to chemical plastics they don’t have as readily available in Oklahoma. It’s really hard wanting more for yourself, you guys. I think Taylor ordered the Diedre Hall face.
Since we saw Camille dance (LOL), Maloof beat her child, and Lisa refuse to fuck her husband, we start out Taylor’s segment doing something that will give us some in depth character info. She’s getting shit done to her face.
You already look like Betsey Wetsey. What more could you possibly do? Back out of that office slowly, girl!
Maloof has brought her to get some injections from the hubs. Aw, friendship!
You’re not really bonded until you both look like you were created by Pixar.
Maloof freaks out when she sees what her hubby’s done to her poor addict friend.
She says that she doesn’t think Taylor needed the procedure, and her tone hints at an obvious addiction. Taylor says flat out that she has so much work done because she’s worried her husband’s gonna dump her for a twenty year old. She can’t be twenty again, but she can sure as hell scare him into submission by slowly injecting foreign matter into her body until she’s a hundred percent non human. No one divorces a blow up doll. I don’t even think it’s legal to. Maloof barks “very pretty!” at her, but Taylor looks victimized. And really scary.
Her husband is Russel, a venture capitalist. He’s a dick. He starts out their romantic evening by asking “how’s your little company going?”
And why does your face look like a speedbump, woman?
The little company is a high level management company that Taylor keeps out of fear that she’s gonna be dumped any day now and she doesn’t wanna ever be poor again. Man, I really feel for her. Poor thing. All she talks about is getting dumped, and have you ever known a girl like that that didn’t get dumped? They don’t seem to like each other too much. Just rip it off like a bandaid and stand on your own two feet before you fuck with your face one too many times and turn into a lava lamp.
Kim is a single mom with four kids from three daddies. It’s like being back in Texas. But twitchier.
She tells us that her mom gave her wonderful advice: “Don’t make your kids your whole life.” That advice is so wonderful that Kim ain’t gonna take it. Her whole life is her children, and that’s her choice. And that’s our first hint that she’s insane. Then comes her resume. Kim was a child star, and not just any child star. She was the Disney Kid. Beat. You know, the one from Escape to Witch Mountain?
Most prophetic title of all time.
Her stand in was Maloof, back before she met the plastic surgeon.
She lists all her credits, and they’re awesome. And really old. She was superfamous, so she didn’t have a regular childhood. She didn’t go to school, she didn’t ride the bus, her farts didn’t smell. And then her sister Kathy Hilton gave birth to Paris and the downfall of society began. Sure it’s weird being Paris Hilton’s aunt, but it’s way worse for Paris to be Kim’s niece, what with the paparazzi screaming “ICON!” everywhere she goes. Um….I think they might be saying “I CON…’T SEE PARIS. COULD YOU MOVE PLEASE?” She starts crazy giggling and slurs about being an icon and Paris getting all jealous that she’s not the only hooker in this family who can do coke in bathrooms and get famous with no talent. The crazy giggling turns into insane guffawing and it’s official. I love this show.
Kim needs a bigger house cuz her lease is almost up, so she meets her sister Kyle and her realtor at a possible place. Kyle tells us that she is responsible for her older sister cuz bitch be crazy and if no one watches her she’ll be wheeling around her neighbor’s yards in a wheelbarrow with a bottle of vodka in one hand and a rifle in the other. This place is too small for Kim cuz she wants all her kids to have their own room. Kyle, as nicely as possible, reminds her sister that she’s worth some Marlboro miles she saved up in the late nineties and she can’t be too picky. Kim starts stuttering and getting all nervous and shifty eyed trying to come up with excuses why she can’t take the place. She’s scared of Kyle. This is gonna be some good times. Does Kyle beat her or something? Creepy sister stories are my favorite.
Kyle calmly tells us that her sister is loopier than a plate of spaghetti and has been a broke friendless wreck since her most recent divorce. So her social skills suck too? Whoever casts these things should be given some kind of award. As if on cue, Kim says that she needs a bigger place in case she decides to have another baby. Kyle almost goes Demi in GI Jane on her ass.
I will kick your ovaries if you even think about it.
Kim doesn’t seem to be kidding. I predict Kyle will push her down the stairs at least once this season.
Lisa tells her hubby that Adrienne Maloof invited her to see the game. She knows Maloof from the hood and is weirded out by her ability to take down a two hundred pound man. “Why would you want to do that?” LOL. Hubby gets excited for a little trip, but Lisa shoots him down and says she’s going with her bf Kyle….
Kyle was a child star too! ICON! She was Kim’s stand in before Maloof took over, then she was on Little House on the Prairie and in Halloween. The history stops at 1978, but she still gets to do an interview with A&E about her big movie role. She basically giggles through the interview and says “I was a good screamer.” HA.
She, too, is a bread machine and always has something in her oven. She’s got five kids, and she is in a happy pattern of working for awhile and then making brats for awhile. FIVE? And she looks like THAT? Amazing. I can’t truly make fun of her until I can get over my jealousy of her. I’m a professional something. I will say that it’s weird to see white people breed so much on a channel other than TLC. Whenever she feels screwed over by Hollywood she pops out another. Poor girl’s been beaten down by this town. She’s almost laid a half carton of eggs.
She tells an equally forgotten actor about how she just did some movie with Teena Marie and Teena had a line screaming “you’re mother’s a whore!” at her. Wow. It’s kinda evilly satisfying to know that gorgeous people have miserable depressing lives too, ain’t it?
Do we get paid for this?
We meet Kyle’s kids and they’re not working in a sweatshop or cleaning the house so they’re useless. What’s the point of reproducing if you have to clean your own toilets? Her husband Mauricio is pretty hot, in a slightly more handsome Everybody Loves Raymond kind of a way. He tells us that their only marital issue is that Kyle spends too much money but it’s easier to just let her have her way and stay sane. She has the perfect man too? She doesn’t want him to play golf and he offers her a thousand bucks for every hour he gets to play. OK kinda hard to not hate her right now.
Let’s get to the first meeting! The gals all start arriving to Maloof’s private jet. Kyle brought Kim to try and force her to be friends with people and Maloof invited Camille cuz they’re on the same show together and Bobblehead Andy forced her to. These shows are always a little lame at first as the ladies get comfortable with properly hating each other, so let’s hope someone gets wasted tonight and makes an ass out of themselves to get this ball rolling.
Here’s to all the fights we’re gonna have over shit that doesn’t make sense! Someone get Taylor a straw so she doesn’t dribble all over the place.
Camille tells us that she and Frasier used to fly private all the time but now they try and fly commercial cuz they’re trying to be green. Um, you live in a fucking shopping mall. Don’t give me that green bullshit. You wanna help the world, put yourself in a compost bin and green up someone’s garden. You’re flying commercial cuz Frasier can’t find another sitcom to play himself in.
As the plane takes off, Kyle starts freaking out and acting like a drama queen. Camille looks at her like she’s trash. LOL. Then Camille, Taylor and Kyle start talking about motherhood. Kyle’s got a fascinating breast feeding story and Camille says that she had surrogates carry her brats so she never had to breast feed. Then it’s Kyle’s turn to look at her like she’s trash.
Wait. You can do that? NO FAIR. I’ll strangle this bitch with my stretchmarks.
The plane lands, everyone lives, and it’s off to a fancy lunch. Kim is stressed being around so many strangers, and it’s fun watching her squirm. Kyle starts doing an impression of Lisa’s accent. Everyone’s laughing and Camille says “covuh yoreah rat.” Silence. No one gets it. AWKWARD! I have a feeling that happens to Shlemiel a lot. She explains that it means cover your vajayjay, and Lisa wants to know why she’s walking around without a covered vajay in the first place. Hey, it got her a mall house so let her keep doing whatever’s working. Camille starts going on about how the cast of Frasier begged her to make Kels wear underwear. EW. She tells us “I’m the powerhouse behind Kelsey Grammer!” Her duties include keeping him alive. Well, that I’ll give you. I saw him breathing earlier. As far as being a powerhouse, if you’re counting “Back to You” and “Hank” then you’re a giant fail cake.
Taylor tells us that if Shlemiel wants her own personality then she should probs get one and stop telling stories about Frasier’s giant uncovered man sack. Good point. Camille is gonna be the gift that keeps on giving this season. Kim is still not connecting with anyone, and says it’s because she was such a huge star as a child. You’re looking at this the wrong way, Kim. Camille can get you a bigger house. Be nice, even if it means thinking about Frasier’s rat.
The gals all make it to the stadium and decide that Maloof is their fave since she’s the richest. She’s wealthy enough to get people on the court to make her feel tall and even lets Camille play with them.
Camille loves basketball and midgets and let’s Frasier spend lots of money on both. Hey Camille, who are you married to again? She’s ridic. Hey, there you go! She’s showing her personality! She’s sluttin up on the mascot! Or as Lisa calls it, “the pantomime lion.”
Acting like a bimbo slut is a great way to make friends with older rich ladies! Well done Shlemiel!
Kyle cheers for the other team and Maloof does her best not to beat her ass down. Kim’s still being a freak and refusing to talk, so Taylor turns her back to her and gets on with the day. Good for her. She says that Kim has a wall and she’s not in the mood to climb it.
In case you forgot that there are Bentleys in this town. RICH, DAMMIT!
The next day, Kyle and hubby go to Kim’s place to hang and Kyle says that she promised her dying mom she would deal with Kim’s can of crazy and she’ll stick to it. They’re still arguing about the new house, but Kim gets a little freaked out. Kyle has a husband and money and Kim doesn’t! And Kim even getting on a plane to go out with the girls was a huge step and Kyle should have helped people like her more! Kim, of course, says that she’s a freak because she was a huge STAH! This girl’s next role is gonna be on Hoarders. She seems fucknuts crazy. They yell at each other for awhile and Kyle’s outta there. Well that was a depressing ending.
Overall, a little slow to start but I have a good feeling about this show. These women seem nuts. Thanks for having me, guys. Bbitz will be filling in for me next week so I’ll see you soon!
Ronnie Karam has been with TVgasm since 2006 , which has given him the opportunity to make fun of hundreds of TV's most loved and hated reality whores. His plan in life was to be Julia Roberts but that plan was stolen by, well, Julia Roberts. He'll get you one day, JULIA ROBERTS!! When not making himself giggle for the gasm, Ronnie performs improv and sketch comedy at IO West in Hollywood a couple of times weekly while using the lovely California days to audition for commercial roles such as "ADORABLE MEXICAN UNCLE". Seriously. He would like to thank Jesus, Buddha and Xenu for the blessings they've bestowed. The writers here are the best around, and he's honored to be associated with them. Find video archives at CankleTV.com, or follow on Twitter @flipit