Previously on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Brandi told everyone that Adrienne’s children were created with a homeless woman’s ovaries and elephant sperm, …
How dare you! There were no homeless people involved!
…Paul went all Flinstone and cursed Brandi out after finding out that he could have saved on car insurance and she didn’t tell him,…
If only you knew your wife was about to accuse you of abuse, you might at least pretend to respect women.
…and Brandi had a sit down with possibly one of the stupidest people ever put on this planet, which led into Lisa’s spinoff show, which is a downright unforgivable travesty that needs to be drowned and forgotten as soon as possible.
Quit your whining and marry your ketchups, skank!
We open where we left off: Brandi is crying because her marriage was ruined, Sheayeeeina is crying because she forgot her table numbers again. I don’t feel sorry for either one of them. Sheyaaayina isn’t pretty enough to come to Hollywood relying on looks alone, and Brandi married a soap opera star with a six pack. Of course he cheated, ya dumbass. Now find an ugly rich guy with too low of a self esteem to cheat, like every other self respecting woman in this town.
When the meeting of the “um, like, um, like, um”s is over, Brandi goes to drink and cry with Lisa about how sad it all is. Brandi says that even knowing Scheaniiieeeya boned her husband with full knowledge that his wife was at home pregnant, she kinda feels sorry for the girl. Wait until you see her call herself the brunette Britney and porn moan into a mic while Bravo cameras catch a closeup of her mustache. You’ll really feel for her stupid ass then.
Lisa is supportive. Well, as supportive as a friend who just gave the famewhore who just helped ruin your life a starring role on a Bravo show can be. Brandi knows she’s gonna die a wrinkled old maid, but it helps that Lisa adds “In my guest house.” Cedric is in his weekly hotel cutting himself and crying right now.
You know Kyle is desperate for a storyline when she drives her ass all the way to Malibu to find one. Yolanda is outside the house she drew picking lemons from lemon trees she most likely drew as well. Nothing like reinforcing your belief in creative visualization than imagining a tree, planting a seed, and watching a tree grow. She’s the Dali Lame-a. Get it you guys? GET IT?!?!
I tayl myzaelf dat I deserf dees tree teel it grow.
She tells Kyle that she grew her own lemon trees after doing the Master Cleanse cuz going outside, climbing ten flights of stairs and cutting lemons is easier than going to Whole Foods. Hopefully one day she will draw herself a book tree and it will grow copies of “How Not to Come off Like a Raging Asshole Every Moment I’m On Screen” until she gets it.