Previously on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Adrienne took off her rubber Nixon mask,
…Kyle tried to leech off her family’s fame by spreading her legs, reciting lines from Witch Mountain, and popping out little Hilton Hotel soaps,
…and freakishly anorexic Failor took her rage out on Lisa by unhinging her jaw and chewing off a piece of the VanPumpy’s shoulder.
This is for knowing anyone in the media!
Oh yeah. Also Kim Twitchards met a homely meth head mailbox stalker and spent a secret year on Mister Toad’s Wild Ride. If cracking eggs in public service announcements doesn’t scare you into not doing drugs, maybe this will:
Drugs lead to homely husbands.
We open this week back in Adrienne’s basement of surgery, where Paul has set up office.
Watch out for the dismembered toddler with pig limbs sewn onto it.
Speak of the devil! It has a job here! Glad to know American Horror Story will have a happy ending.
Paul is trying to drum up some business, so he’s having the ladies over for even more work. Jesus. How many times can you laser something before it just falls off? I would put a picture of Failor here with her nose photoshopped out, but she’s not onscreen yet.
Kyle is up first. She says that Paul does these little parties all the time to show the women his new products. Samples! It’s like Costco, only way shadier and people in Costco know that there’s no such thing as fixing ugly, which is why they’re buying giant ninety packs of KitKat bars and shit. Kyle is there to get her love handles lazered off. Paul, knowing how to keep a customer insecure enough to come back often, greets her as his little muffin top. HAHA! He shows her the contraption he is going to use, and it looks like one of those claw machines you try to grab shitty toys with.
With enough skill (and quarters), you can win a washed up cackling D Lister with jelly spilling over her jeans!
Kyle gets nervous with the machine and asks how the hell it works. She misses the most obvious question, though, which is if this thing works, why is Paul fat? Don’t take karate lessons from a dude with a broken arm and bruises all over his face. Somehow, the lasers open up a “portal” in the fat cells, and they empty the fat into your blood stream. Bullshit, and I will prove it by scanning my own muffin top in the Ralph’s self checkout line every time I shop during the next month.
Lisa shows up next, and she runs into Failor, who looks just like she did after her first date with Russell.
Lisa gives her shit for injecting filler into her face instead of eating. Fail laughs her fake laugh and points at the food Paul left her on the table. Lisa laughs “yeah, but it’s still there.” HAHAHAH. Failor tells us that she really hates when Lisa nags her about her obvious anorexia. Oh, honey. Lisa knows you hate it. That’s why she does it. She hands Fail the plate and watches her take a bite. Fail chews and chews and chews and chews, but her throat won’t let her swallow. Lisa’s not getting anything done, “because I have to work with the public.” OK Evita. She’s just there to see if anyone’s face melts off, which sounds like a damn good afternoon to me.
Wacky clown music is playing, which means it’s time for Twitch! She comes out of her house twitching and hiccuping into her car. Watching how awkward and nervous she is even driving her own car is too hilarious to even describe.
Hey how gum my knugges loog likge Janet Napolitano. Hi Janet! I love your hairgut. Let’s be friends. That uzeda be my favrid show AHHH A SEMI!
Paul calls, cuz Twitch is late as usual. At least this time she’s on her way there and not terrorizing some neighbor with her blowdryer and stories about what it was like to work with that creep Richard Long in Nanny and the Professor. He asks what she wants done so he can get the cement mixer prepped for her arrival, but all she wants is blown up lips. She admits that she was mean to Taylor last year when she called her a blowfish and worries that karma may come back to strike her down and make her look like an extra from The Little Mermaid or worse, Taylor herself. Paul assures her that he can do a lot of damage, but making someone’s mouth the size of a sinkhole isn’t one of them so stop worrying and get your ass here, woman!
Paul is injecting something called Dysport into Failor, and he describes it as “just like botox” like it’s no big deal. I looked up the side effects. Basically, this drug turns you into Camille.
loss of bladder control
Speaking of, Camille’s not coming cuz Frasier just announced to the world that he’s seeking custody of the kids. Kyle and Lisa call her, cuz there’s no way that skank’s getting out of exploiting her pain on national TV. She goes on a flustered rant about how Frasier is trying to steal the kids, and I don’t blame her for being frustrated. Fifty million is hard enough to live on. If you take away the child support too, she won’t be able to afford any friends. Camille keeps on talking, and Lisa’s like “dahling that’s enough we were just calling QUICKLY to say good luck and all that buhbyyyyeeee!” Click. Poor Shlemiel.
Lisa whips out her iPad and finds an email from Russell telling her that everything is just fine and dandy with his marriage and his business was up 900 percent. LOL! Lisa is confused as to why he would send her delusional mail and no one else, but Kyle keeps her mouth shut. That’s infringing on Failor’s screen time, and she’s a good friend so she’ll just let that one slide. Lisa decides not to fight back and leaves Russ dangling.
Twitch arrives hiccup/giggling about nothing and talks about how much packing she’s been doing. She won’t tell Lisa or Kyle where she’s moving, which I LOVE. Kyle knows this means Kim is moving even further away from her. And who can blame her? If I was Kim I’d be in Rancho Mirage. Kyle drops it and moves on to the big seance she’s been planning at her place. Twitch hasn’t RSVPd because she doesn’t want any spirits coming into her while she’s fragile. Lisa smirks “No one’s coming inside of you, dahling, it’s not that kind of pahty.” HAHAHAHAHAH!!!!! Kim doesn’t want Kyle finding out all her secrets, basically, which really makes me want to hire this psychic. She must be good. I wonder if she told Kim she would come close to getting impregnated by an arm rest this year.
Kyle won’t take no, but that’s all Twitch will give. Her final argument? “Idz againztd my religion.” LOLOLLLLL!!! HAHAHAHAHAH!! WTF? Cut back to last season, when Kyle and Twitch went together to their psychic friend and giggled and joked like they’ve known her forever. Twitch, though, doesn’t get to see this clip, so she’s sticking to her guns and claiming that she would never ever go to a psychic. She doesn’t do things like that! The occult is satanic and the only place Kim’s worshipping at is the Crystal Cathedral. Lisa is annoyed and tells us Kim has an excuse for everything. Then she does an impersonation of her in Gollum voice. Kim’s voice and Lisa’s waddle make it a sad day that Lord of the Rings has already been shot.
The ring! The riiiiiiiing!
Kyle thinks that Kim is more scared about being around the women on this show than being around the ghosts. And she’s right, if by women she means HER SISTER. Adrienne shows up when everyone’s had their work done, and Failor’s face is too scary for people under the age of 14.
When Taylor is all done getting caulked, she meets the ladies in the waiting room for goodbyes. Lisa calls her out in front of everyone and asks why the hell her husband is emailing her. Taylor gets all shifty eyed and says that he probably sent it to everyone. Nope! Just Lisa! Why would that be? Fail gets more and more nervous and offers Lisa a discount on a new Ford Focus. Lisa doesn’t know what that means, and Fail refuses to answer her question. If she wants answers, she can ask Russell at the seance. What a pussy! She tells us that Russ’ plan was to tell Lisa that everything’s ok and see if that is leaked to the press. He’s like Jessica Fletcher with a bad temper and beaver teeth. Lisa VS Russ? I’m in!!
Twitch takes her turn with Paul while Kyle stays in the waiting room to complain to Ad that her sister is hiding something from her. It’s probably the keys to her rental so you can’t steal her house again. Lisa and Kyle try to convince Ad to convince Twitch to stop being an a hole. Ad can convince anyone. Snow White took that apple and didn’t even think twice.
In her session with Paul, Twitch admits her age (46), and the drugs she’s on. Twitchazone, Plexiglasszone, Crazyfaceadine. Paul smiles and says her loopiness makes sense now because she’s not supposed to be mixing that medication. That’s why everyone thinks she’s a lush. He asks if she’s drinking with the meds, and she slurs that it’s against her religion. Uh-oh. He’s like, um you look drunk right now and you shouldn’t be driving and everyone thinks you’re on drugs cuz you ARE. Kim slurs to us that she’s not drinking at the moment and she hopez she gan staynodrunkzzzz (asleep and having a chasing kitty dream.)
Hey ged bag eer ya giddygat!
In the waiting room, Ad wants to know wtf is going on with Fail and Russ. No one knows. Well, no one will say. Lisa grills Kyle, since she’s the only one close with Taylor. HAHAH. Kyle starts arguing with her and saying that Camille’s close with her too. Uh-huh. I don’t buy that, and neither does Lisa. And Kyle’s being pretty defensive about nothing, so Lisa double air kisses the girls and tries to find validation for the broom she parked in the handicapped spot.
Kyle and Ad go to see Kim, who’s only calmed down because Paul told her he was taking headshots.
There’s a witch on that mountain! Escape! Escaaaaaape!
Twitch tells them Paul told her she is acting like Liza on her birthday because she’s on the wrong cocktail. Kyle suggests she use a different term. HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!! Paul isn’t worried that the medication will get in the way of his procedures today. What’s the worst that can happen? She’ll go nuts? Kim starts babbling about nothing and Kyle shushes her so Paul can start putting in the drywall. She snaps “You’re not my mother!” Good one. Jeeze, Kyle. You think she’s a clown or something?
Twitch is still pissed about it during her diary room session, which means some serious shit goes down at the end of the season when these were taped. Can’t wait! Kyle gets the hell out of there and the drywalling begins. Ad keeps telling Paul to stop because Twitch looks pained. He’s not done until he’s done, and Twitch hasn’t had work before so this could take days. Kim is horrified when she’s sees her karma blowfish lips, but not too horrified to do a number from Dreamgirls.
I am chayayayangiiiiiing!
It’s the day of the Seance party. I predict Camille will be shitting violently til next week.
Kyle starts off the day by calling Brandi to make sure she’s coming. Small price to pay to keep her job, I guess. I wish I got paid to hang out with losers. I’d be RICH. No offense to any of the low life white trash friends I have pretending to read this. Brandi is a little cold at first, but agrees to come and leave the bullshit behind. Kyle gossips with her kid about it, but she won’t say exactly what the fight with Brandi was about because she doesn’t want her daughter to know that she and her sister used dark magic to freeze Brandi’s face into a “what stinks?” position for all eternity.
Bippedy bobbity boo, bitch!
Failor comes over to inform Kyle that she’s pissed at Lisa for telling the entire town she doesn’t have friends. LOL! Cut to Lisa saying Failor has no friends. Camille was the one who told Taylor this. Camille has learned not to be an asshole on TV anymore. The how not to be an asshole on the phone lesson must be a different session. I love this, because Failor is the one who started shit between Cam and Kyle last season with her little private talk in that hotel room. Camille’s getting revenge. Girl’s got some life in her yet!
Fail fake cries to Kyle about how her feelings are so hurt and she’s afraid to confront Lisa cuz look what she did to the last conman who messed with her! Poor Leech Cedric barely got his tell all book deal! Lisa’s just sooooo meeeeeean! Failor is like a pile in litter scared of the pooper scooper coming round to get rid of her. She’s so full of it. You’re scared of Lisa cuz she calls you out on all your fake ass lies and bs, as you should be. There’s a reason flies don’t take naps on swatters.
Kyle tells her that she must confront Lisa, and she should do it in public because being surrounded by people will give her courage. LOL. Who the hell’s gonna back Fail up against Vanderlump? I can guarantee who won’t: SHLEMIEL.
Ten hours later or something, Kyle is still trying to look like Demi. Frumpy Medium shows up and walks around the house with an answering machine from the 80′s or some shit to read the energy of the house. Headslap. It’s evil and most likely stolen. You’re welcome. She starts blabbering about how she’s seeking out magnetic energy. I’ve got a Papa John’s magnet on the fridge. Can you tell me how he died? Did he choke on pizza? PLEASE! I NEED TO KNOW. She says there are already a lot of ghosts in the house. I’m afraid that Lisa will be the next one, cuz look who’s here.
The pink ones are ONLY for the hag with the bald rat on her arm.
By the way, do you think Kyle hired a waiter that looks like Eddie Cibrian to be a bitch or just to balance Bernie’s pettiness out with a little prettiness? Either way, I approve. Bernie teaches the waiter how to prepare his desserts, and I’m confused as to why this scene is in here until he criticizes Lisa. Oh get over yourself. If you can’t stand the heat, keep the hot flashes out of your kitchen.
The ladies arrive. Brandi comes limping in and Brandi is showing respect by wearing something only kinda see through that goes down almost to her knees. AW! I guess DD is out of town or something, cuz Camille has showed up with a new Friendployee from the temp agency. You should never, ever call them last minute.
This is my friend “BestIcoulddo”.
Cam hopes that this night isn’t just some sort of revenge for when she had her Medium party. LOL. She may not know Kyle too well, but she knows her really, really well. Faye Resnik is also here, and she and Camille are super fakey sweet to each other. Good to see adults act like adults on a Housewives show. Faye’s not an idiot. She’s gonna write a tell all about Camille’s divorce in 5, 4, 3, 2…
Frumpy Medium sits them all down for some spiel about how she has water for them cuz the glass is always half full instead of empty. Or in case they get thirsty. She starts with Ad. Her dad is all ghosty and stuff and says that Ad is strong and tough but also super girly. Ok ya lost me there. Hey, you guys wanna take a break from the seance and watch Twitch try to teach her maid how to clean a drawer? Me neither. For the record, I’m on Mexico’s side of the great drawer cleaning debate. And for the record again, there are two ads about drag queens. This show knows how to make its cast look more feminine.
Back to Frumpy Psychic. She tells Brandi that she’s gonna have a baby. She already has kids. A little girl? No, two boys. Ah, ok then you’ll have a little girl who will whip out her penis at parties. Then she says that Brandi has some dead family member who was a good person and accrued lots of karma points for Brandi, which would explain her husband leaving her and her leg getting broken. Jesus, this psychic sucks bawls.
Lisa’s grandma shows up and tells her she’s glad that they finally look like sisters. Anyone named Allison in Lisa’s life? Kyle starts cackling about Medium, and Lisa does a hilarious impersonation. Grandma said she was trying to get through to Allison, but Medium was such a negative bitch that Allison wouldn’t listen. LOL. Lisa says Allison was a wretched horrid bitch so it’s no shock that she ignored Granny. Camille looks pissed. LOVE IT.
Patricia Arquette blocked me on Facebook. Let’s just move on.
Frumpy Medium says that Taylor isn’t far behind Camille’s situation. OH SHIT. I take it all back! She tells Fail that her husband is shady and all about money and needs to lose the chump. Speaking of, I thought Russ was coming! He’s probably at home practicing his boxing again. Swinging and swinging and swinging. Kyle’s mom shows up and tells her that she was Kim’s mother in a past life and never let her use the crystal so Kim is still mad and hoarding the crystal now in this life. Frump tells her to stop being such a critical bitch. Kyle’s like um no thanks. Camille’s turn! Her dead family is super happy that Frasier’s gone and half his money was left behind and she hasn’t even had to show her crotch for it this decade. The family also tells her to stop giving lawyers so much money and not to worry because she will have a man soon that doesn’t fuck guys in the sauna.
The next day, dramatic music is playing as Kyle goes to the house of Twitch. Kyle asks her why the move is such a big secret, and Twitch takes her outside so she can’t break anything. Kim starts babbling about pools and lollipops and munchkins and Bible study and Kyle stops her and asks her point blank if she’s moving out of state. No, but she’s moving in with a guy….Kyle narrows her eyes as Frumpy’s “don’t be a critical bitch” rings in her ears over and over. She asks if it’s the same guy Twitch took to Paris’ toe fungus removal cream launch party, and Kim says yes. Kyle gets super upset and does her best to not scream.
Why would Twitch keep secrets from her? Um……I don’t have enough time to answer that now. Watch seasons one, two, and your entire childhood for further reference. Kyle sobs “I don’t think you wanna do this!” HAHAHAH. Kim says it is what she wants. Kyle cries “we don’t even know him!” and Kim very very calmly says that she will get to know him and she’s sick of living for everyone else. Kyle keeps crying and huffing and puffing and trying to come up with reasons why this won’t work. She stutters that she just wants Kim to be happy, and if this is the guy she’s been with for the past year, then how happy could she be? LOL!! GOD! Kim says “You’ve seen the change in me!” Yeah, you’ve gone from a slightly nutty drunk to a schizo fall down pill head. YAY! Kyle does her best to shut up, but she’s Kyle so she can’t. She’s not very supportive, but Twitch seems downright touched that she’s even trying.
Kyle tells us that she thinks Twitch is just shacking up with some homely guy cuz she’s lonely and won’t concentrate enough to learn how a computer works and log into match.com. Well, a lot of people are together because they’re lonely and have no internet access. It doesn’t make them sad, just freer to eat a tub of ice cream in front of their spouse and not feel bad about it. Kim takes her in to meet Mister Toad, and that’s where we get cut off. BOOOOOOO!!! We’ll have to wait until next week for Kyle to notice his sniffling and twitchiness.
Next week, Failor tells off Lisa, but then everyone tells off Failor and Camille grows a pair and brings up the abuse. SCANDAL! I predict that I will be popping some Orville in the micro for that shit. Love, your Frumpy Psychic, Flipit.