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Hello kids! bBitz here and I’m excited to be recapping my first season of “Real Housewives”! And being a proud American, I couldn’t be happier to recap the goat rodeo that is “The Real Housewives of DC”! I just came off doing a season of “The Bachelorette” where I had to watch one girl get hit on by a bunch of creepy guys – so it can’t get much worse than that, right?!
Awww SON OF A !@#%!
We’re told right off the bat that DC is a place where who you know is the real currency…
Like Benson. He’s like a $1.50.
And one must know where to go, who to know and to watch your back because it is “NOT a forgiving city”
Except if your name’s Marion Barry. (Mayor of DC: 1979-1991. Federal Prison for Smoking Crack: 1991-1992. Mayor of DC: 1995-1999.) I shit you not.
Now it’s time to meet the REAL HOUSEWIVES OF DC!!!
Mary: “I don’t make money! I spend money!” Holy shit, she’s PERFECT for DC!
Lynda: “I give people enough rope to hang themselves and the smart people don’t”. She should’ve added, “Because they use it to bind my epic ass into this dress.”
Stacie: “DC is my town and I thrive in it!” I like her so I’ll be kind. But dear God someone get her out of the 8th grade dance dresses!
Cat: “I’m here for a good time – and not a long time.” And by the lack of a Daddy in the background there – I’d say so is their father.
Michaele: “People just have a hard time saying no to me – and that’s just been my blessing.” Especially when you’re asking them if you’re about to be arrested for trespassing.
I love it! These ladies are ripe for drama and disaster. This is my first season watching but, I mean, does it get better than this!? TRAIN WRECK! Speaking of which – we join Mary’s family photo shoot in progress…
“We brought wine with us for the family photo shoot!” Nothing says family photo like a mother that reeks of booze and desperation.
So the family all lays down in a wheel of WASPiness…
I think this is the color wheel Hitler used to decorate his summer home.
Mary tells us that she grew up going to the Kennedy’s house for pool parties. Well! Look at you! Big deal. Kennedy pool parties were nothing. Tell me you survived Sunday drives in Dallas, after-party rides through Chappaquiddick and plane flights over Martha’s Vineyard – then I’ll be impressed.
Mary continues by saying that “Some people think I’m super mom but most days I’m just trying to keep it together.”
This is how to “keep it together” for those of you trying to be a super mom.
And you might wanna save some wine for when Matt turns 18 and tells you who he’s bringing to prom. I’ll give you a hint: You’ll need 2 boutonnieres and 0 corsages.
Blue ball in his mouth? Well at least Ryan will pave the way for Matt.
All the single ladies! Forever single ladies!
Oh cool! It’s the magic trick where you make your finger disappear! Along with your pride.
Mary also takes the opportunity to show us some old photos of when her and her husband first met!
Yikes. Either those bangs are holding her brains in or hiding a crumb bun for later. Don’t touch them!
Mary tells us that they “fell in love, got married and had kids – just not in that order”. Holy shit – she has no filter – and I LOVE it!
World’s worst Kwanzaa card.
Next up is Stacie who tells us “there’s a big difference between living IN DC and living in a suburb”! She’s a REAL DC HOUSEWIFE! Stacie tells us that DC was once the “Chocolate City”. Unfortunately it’s not because the capitol building was made of milk chocolate (I’d run for congress in a heart beat) but because it was run by a black mayor “who smoked crack” and then Barack Obama. Wow. She can really sell DC! Can you imagine if she worked in real estate?!
Oh for fuck’s sake.
Stacie’s family seems really sweet and normal though. Although Mary’s family wasn’t the hardest act to follow.
Next up – Lynda! She runs the top modeling agency in DC! Yeah! Thank goodness. Things were getting way to real around here with Mommie Dearest and Stacie. We meet Lynda while she’s in the middle of recruiting some new models…
She has an eye for talent!
If there is one reason to love Lynda it’s because of her dog…
ICHIBAN! A pug who’s 3 times the size he should be and looks like he’s just swallowed a ham.
I’m guessing she’s the one that gets to spoon feed Ichiban his Pâté… and then pick it up hours later.
Lynda says she has no desire to be married again – BUT she does love dating.
Enter Ebong. Ooh! Pleasant surprise! And I love that his name is the combo of “Ebony” and “Bong”. I’m gonna say his parents were Bob Marley fans.
Next up: Michaele! She loves fashion and has a whole army of girls waiting upon her it seems. And she loooooves to talk about herself and her connections. Apparently she’s LOADED (or so she wants us to think) and her husband, Tarik, is a vineyard owner and captain of America’s polo cup. They also own a huge mansion in Virginia wine country…
Gate’s crooked! What a dump. And WTF is “Virginia wine country”?! Gross. That’s like saying “Texas pineapple country” or “Arizona things-that-don’t-suck country”. Those things just don’t go together.
Michaele also says they travel to DC constantly and she always stays at hotels and spends a fortune on them. Do some people actively look for people to hate them? This show just might answer that question. Until then, I hope she gets horrific dysentery from her room-service chocolate-covered strawberries.
And finally… Cat! She’s from the UK so of course she already thinks her crumpets don’t stink. However, her children “aspire to be American children”. They even try to speak with American accents. Which is really odd to watch. It’s like watching Madonna’s biography in reverse.
“Whot do you meeen American children get braces?! Bloody hell and crumpets!”
Cat’s husband is a White House photographer and photographed all of Bush Jr’s presidency. So I imagine this man’s heard more fart jokes than any human should have to endure. Now her hubby works at the White House with Obama.
Cat’s also writing a book…
And enjoys pretending to be Rachel Zoe. I die.
Michaele and Tarik hold a big Polo event every year that “kicks off all the other galas”. It’s basically just a rich people fuckfest where they all spend each other’s money and get richer. Imagine a circle jerk but with checkbooks involved.
Michaele loves to run around and be the social butterfly. She likes “hugging” everyone. She thinks that will solve all the world’s problems.
Hug a drag queen… save the world.
Michaele’s main gay (and our 6th housewife) Paul Wharton then checks in with her…
Unless he’s going with “Whitney while whacked on crack” – that is NOT an acceptable hairdo for a stylist!!!
Paul then asks where their friend Lynda is…
“I don’t know but I’m gonna put a bullet right HERE when I find her!”
Apparently Lynda isn’t there because she didn’t want to pay for a ticket. On the other hand, Lynda says when she did it in the past no one got paid (ummm I think it’s for charity, Lynda) and she has NO interest in going back to “that little goat rodeo”. FAVORITE phrase so far. I hope she says it to Mic’s face!
Cat then arrives to the event and Mic (Yeah – she’s Mic instead of Michaele from now on because I keep spelling that fucking name wrong and have to retype it 80 times) RUNS over to greet her. She’s like a dalmatian that’s just been jabbed with a needle full of cocaine.
Cat loves making fun of everyone’s “crazy hats” like…
Oh Melissa Joan Hart. You snobby bitch. Way to stay classy with a bottle of Stella.
Mic talks about riding horses on the beach and insists the girls all join her. It’s SO important that they stick to that plan that they decide to go with the world’s most powerful legal contract… “THE PINKY PACT”…
Oh what a tangled web we weave,
When first we practise to deceive! (Sir Walter Scott – Former Real Housewife of Scotland)
Mic then seals the deal with a shart.
Mic also watches her husband, Ali Salahi (something like that – let’s just go with “The Salami” from here on out) score a few goals while playing Polo. It’s really exciting and— zzzzzzzz…..
We then meet “Edwina” – clearly a “Housewives” reject who’s hellbent on getting in camera shots. She’s a big Republican. So basically 3 minorities and a gay were killed in the making of that hat.
Mic is super entranced with Edwina and talks about lobbying. Can’t wait to see what her first cause is. I hope it’s to ban hats with chin straps that triple the amount of chins you already have.
Edwina then makes her away over to Cat and schmoozes some more…
Chelsea Clinton – take a good look – this is your future unless you stay out of politics and use moisturizer.
We then see Mary, Lynda (Ivory) and Ebong-y all having drinks together. They discuss Mary’s birthday party and inviting Cat. Mary thinks she’ll be perfect for their “circle” while Lynda is very reserved. I love how the producers desperately try to make it seem like some of these girls becoming friends is organic. Not so much.
Mary: “Mary and Ebong agreed to put together a nice group of people for my birthday – to honor me.” It’s not often you hear a sentence that’s so perfectly over-the-top and re-fucking-diculous. Soak it in everyone! It’s gonna be a great season!
Mary apparently has a PAST with Mic (as does Lynda – see: Goat Rodeo) and decides not to invite her. She also mentions grape-stomping at The Salami’s and Lynda comments she only will stomp white grapes because she hates dark grapes.
This poor guy is one step from being the Anthony Bouvier of the group. (Look it up – you’ll be glad you did!)
Back over with Mary at her house, we discover that she has a FINGER PRINT ID SYSTEM FOR HER CLOSET!!! WHAT THE WHAT?!
“Checking fingerprint… maximum levels of self-importance detected… ACCESS GRANTED!”
I don’t know which is more ridiculous – the fact that she says she needs it to prevent her daughter from taking her clothes – or that she thinks lil’ chubbers could fit into them. I don’t want to be mean, but she’s 2 tucks and a stomach stapling away from keeping up with Mom. (And let me add that she looks better without it.)
Mary decides that she DOES want to invite Mic to her bday party and calls to tell her it’s last minute. Ya know how well that works? The minute Mic gets there some asshole will say, “I was so so worried I couldn’t make it when I got the invitation 3 weeks ago.” or something like that. Not that it’s happened to me. Just saying!
It’s time to party! The ladies all begin to arrive and kiss/kiss. I’m not sure how Stacie fits in – they haven’t really mentioned how they know her – other than the “Bravo told us this bitch is on the show and now we gotta like her” looks they’re giving. Which isn’t half as awesome as the eye roll Lynda makes when good ol’ Mic shows up! She is SO Michele Lee from Knots Landing! Love it! And Mic is so Joan Van Ark! I’m swooning!
Mic is all excited about attending the “Black Caucus Gala” and brags to Stacie about it. I can’t wait! This is the event that they attended and weren’t invited to which practically made world news! Awwww. The Salamis are so greasy and bad for you.
Lynda and Mic start chatting it up and being besties. By which I mean Lynda talks about her looking like Skeletor behind her back. Misses kisses! Muah!
Stacie is chatting it up with Ted Gibson, a famous hair stylist when Mary saunters over, completely sauced, and starts telling them that they’ll be great friends because it’s time “we start integrating hair salons because of our new administration”. WHAT THE FUCK?! DYING!!! This bitch knows her birthday party isn’t taking place in Baltimore, circa 1950 right?! Tracy Turnblad outta come out and slap the bitch. Luckily Stacie has a good sense of humor and laughs it off.
The next day, over at Stacie’s house, she plans to have chef come over to make dinner for her friends. Stacie wants to invite Mary and Mic – and her friend’s reaction is perfect:
“Skinny white bitches?”
“Five skinny white bitches only eat enough for 1. And remind me to put vomit bags in the bathroom.”
Cat answers Stacie’s call and says she can come because her husband will be out photographing Joe Biden all day. This girl is a name dropper like NO OTHER! I mean, who the fuck is Joe Biden anyways?! Is he on a reality show? NO? Then fuck him.
Over at Cat’s house, the family sits down for a traditional afternoon tea & bitch. Cat’s husband complains how he had to drive through the Carolina’s and thought they were all complete hicks. Luckily this guy worked for Bush too because otherwise I’d say he’s gonna lose his job mighty quick with that mouth. He’s an uber-douche. And he seems very intrigued by the gossip between the girls…
“How delightfully maaaaad!!!”
Oh look… Lynda’s ass is having a showing.
Over at Mary’s house – her husband is trying to decide what to wear to the Washingtonian event honoring him…
Skinning Elton John for pants might’ve been a bit much.
Side note: Can we all just marvel for a moment at what make-up and hair can do?
Always good to let a little pre-fart out before a public event. How much longer before he gets used to the cameras being there do ya think?
So they go to the event and it’s boresville. Except when they announce him and pronounce his name wrong. Although the other highlight is Lynda and Paul (gay 6th Housewife) talking shit about Mic. Remember him running into her at the polo event?
“Just so we’re clear – that really IS a pencil in my pocket.”
Lynda admits that she ditched the polo event on purpose. She’s diabolical! And then she adds that Mic is TOO skinny. (Wait – what kind of modeling agent says that?! Aren’t they the ones that are usually circling fat and telling girls to use a tooth brush for all the wrong reasons?) Lynda then tells Paul that HE should tell Mic that she’s too skinny! Is she fucking high?! I’d be like “Umm… How about you tell her? I kind of like my ears, nose and throat where they are. Like ON my face.”
So the next day, Paul heads over to Mic’s and shows her his “not a recession wardrobe”. Awww how sweet. I hope the building burns down and takes them both with it.
Ummm… are they gonna fuck already or what?
Paul takes a chance to say he needs to “talk” to Mic and she says, “You can talk to me about anything!”
“Except if it’s my weight. I will rip out your weave and beat the queer out of you if you mention my weight. Soooo… what’s up?!”
Paul tells Mic that Lynda was concerned about her weight. Mic pretty much takes it as a compliment (“PEOPLE THINK I’M SKINNY!”) and thinks Lynda’s just picking on her.
Time for Stacie’s dinner party! The girls all arrive and take a shot of sake but Cat turns her nose up at it. Not because she wants to. But because she’s British and therefore required to feel like she’s better than everything/everyone else. However she’s DEFINITELY not too good for talking about her amazing husband and his photo shoot with Biden. Then she prattles on about him and blah blah blah. Ugh. I find her obnoxious to the umpteenth power. Speaking of – the chef says he’s cooked for Tyra Banks and Cat says (in so many words) that she can’t STAND Tyra. Cue black girls going crazy aaaaaand….
“Did that white devil just say shit about Tyra?!?! HOLD MY EARRINGS GIRL!!!”
BTW who the fuck sits around in an outfit like this?
Cat then goes on to do an impression of Tyra which is a mix of Tyra, Cher and a retarded chimp.
Stacie is SHOCKED as is everyone else. I mean – say what you want in your own home – but don’t go to someone else’s house and make fun of Tyra. Shit ain’t right. RIGHT TYRA?!
“KISS MY FAT ASS!” (She then threw poo in Cat’s general direction.)
Cat then starts bitching about Obama because he didn’t go to her husbands “I’m a douchey scmuck” awards ceremony or whatever it was. And then… wait for it… she says she LOVES George W Bush and implies he’s a better man than Obama! Imagine Stacie’s reaction!
This pretty much sums it up.
So then the ladies all get in an argument about Bush vs. Obama and it’s a big hoo haa.
People who cackle like this should be smacked.
So Stacie is not impressed and kind of pissed. She’s pretty close to slamming Cat’s head into the counter and screaming…
“I AM NOT ONE OF YOUR FANS!!!”
But we are. Ohhhhh WE ARE!
That’s it! What did everyone think!? This is my first time watching and I have to say it’s every bit of the clusterfuck I hoped it would be! Who’s your favorite? Who would you like to see drown in a money bath the most? Any highlights from this episode? I love hearing from you guys! Come on and DISH IT!!!