DC’s heating up y’all! After many episodes of build-up, Bravo’s finally giving us the final set-up for the big White House Crashergate scandal! It’s about friggin’ time. If I have to listen to Stacie tell the B-story about her search for her father one more time I’m going to fly to Nigeria and drag him back here myself. I mean, what’s wrong with a white guy bringing a black guy back from Africa against his will? There’s no WAY that could go wrong. Am i right?! (cricket cricket) Too soon? Well… you know what definitely could go wrong?! “THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF DC“! Let’s get to it!
We start of with my fav – Lynda! She’s holding a casting call for a fashion show she’s doing to help support an African designer from Burkina Faso. Well – let the parade of skinny bitches with funky hair begin! And—
OH! Well then… “Hey Tony… Hi to the folks.”
Twenty awesome points to whoever names that reference first. One of my all-time favorite movies!
So anyways, Lynda starts auditioning her “international models” from around the world. Which as far as I can tell it’s really just “skinny Americans that look like they might be from somewhere else”.
The new trend is totally “girls with hair that is 3-4 times the width of their waist.”
Lynda seriously needs to be frying up some bacon for these girls. Mmmm… bacon.
Next up, black Groucho Marx struts his stuff.
Lynda looooves this boy. Watch out Ebong! Never good when someone younger, cuter and buffer comes along. Lynda’s gonna be carrying him in one pocket and Ichiban in another.
Unless this guy’s auditioning for a role in the Indian version of “Hairspray”…No. Just NO.
Lynda rightfully gives him shit about having long hair. I totally agree. If you’re gonna have long hair like that you better be as hot as…
RIGHT?! And carrying a surfboard wouldn’t hurt either.
Lynda gives him a verbal spanking and sends him on his way. Mic makes a comment in an interview that Lynda always just says what she wants. Ya know when she’s allowed to do that? When it’s someone she represents and makes/loses money off of. You know when someone isn’t allowed to speak their mind? When their job consists of blowing a fat ass and jumping up and down while clapping at everything. Shut it, Mic. Bam!
Over with Stacie and Jason, she’s writing a Facebook message to her step-brother that has no idea she exists. She should just “poke” him and see what happens. Or post “Guess what has two thumbs and a half-black half-sister? You do!” on his wall. If God has a sense of humor this guy will write back, “OMG! That’s amazing! And just in time – I’m getting married to my lover this weekend! You should come to our wedding!”
Instead they write some shady message, “You will not BELIEVE the mutual acquaintance we share!” That totally sounds like something a spammer would write.
They might as well have added, “It’s someone that will totally give you CASH for GOLD and pills to make your penis bigger!”
Stacie’s worried that her brother will freak when he learns she’s black so Jason promises to “speak with a diction-correct voice”. Ummm… I’m not sure but I think what he just said is racist. Is it? I’m confused. So does that mean he makes a decision to “speak black” or “speak white” every time he talks? I’m trying to think if I ever make a decision to speak “gay” or not. Maybe I do. I happen to notice that confetti and streamers fly out of my mouth sometimes. But that’s only if there’s a sale at Nordstrom’s.
Well whatever voice Jason uses he should probably start with, “GIMME YO FUCKING MONEY!!!” and then “Just kidding! I’m totally not that kind of black. But I am black. It’s all so confusing. Let’s do lunch! Noon tomorrow? I’ll bring your half-black sister. Byeeee!”
Over at the Madison, Lynda, Mary and Cat are all having lunch.
That’s soooo what I knew they’d all order. Bon apetite!
Lynda asks Cat about her marriage and stress. It’s kind of sad because you can totally see Cat’s marriage already falling apart. NOOOO! CHAAAAAHLES!!!! The poor thing says she doesn’t have any time to herself. Ugh. That sucks. I can imagine how taking the time to write a book all about yourself really cuts down on your “me” time.
Lynda also brings up her favorite “bashing” subject (which I love), “The Salamis!” She talks about how Mic has been telling everyone that she was a Redskins cheerleader and also worked for Lynda’s modeling agency. Mary’s all “that’s sooo 2005″, Cat’s appalled at how fake they are and Lynda’s furious that Mic would lie about all of these things in DC no less. I have to give Mic credit. Instead of going through the trouble of trying to be things, she just says she was one of those things. It’s like she’s the female “Frank Abagnale”.
Coming to a theatre near you…
Speaking of, the Salamis are in their trusty chariot – the battered up ol’ white limo and talking about how they’re having dinner at an exclusive chef’s table. Apparently the last time they were there Mic ordered plain grilled chicken. If I was the chef I would’ve walked out with the raw chicken and slapped her with it. And then force fed her a gallon of custard. Mic says that now, because of the Salami’s influence, she tries new things and enjoys food. He’s taught her to be “fearless”. And that goes for eating as well as fleeing from the authorities/security.
Their limo’s white, their clothes are white… next up, they say they were Barbara Streisand in the 90′s.
The Salamis then join their “friends” (in quotes because there’s a good chance these people were either paid off then or now claim to have never met them) for their exclusively expensive dinner.
First step, washing the blood of the poor off one’s hands.
Back over with the ladies who lunch, Mary says she believes that Mic is all “Happy, happy, joy, joy!” and the Salami is the evil one. OMG! She’s on to something! I know who they really are!
Mic and The Salami. Except you’d have to switch their bodies.
Back at the chef’s table, Mic asks their friends what the secret to their relationship of 20 years is. They say it’s being “best friends”…
You know Mic’s thinking, “Waaaaaait… it’s not a loosely written pre-nup and endless credit?”
The Salami says that him and Mic love being together and they’re unstoppable together. They’ll always be together!
Yeah I can definitely see that happening.
The Salamis then brag about their connections to India via their Polo Cup group and how they’re going to the State Dinner at the White House because of it. AND SO IT BEGINS!!!
Lynda is chatting with the ladies from Burkina Faso about the big event. Lynda asks if she could wear one of the designer’s outfits and the designer says she’d be happy to give Lynda one. Lynda says she insists on paying for it and that designers give their clothes away too often. CAN YOU IMAGINE MIC SAYING THAT IF SOMEONE OFFERED?! HAHAHAHA! Lynda says people “give it away” too often when they should be “paid for it”. No comment!
Over at Little Britain, Cat asks Chaaaaahles if she could have a print of his famous Obama photo so that she can give it to Obama at the White House Christmas party.
The “back” story behind that photo.
Is that a British thing? What kind of gift is that?! Obama’s going to open it up and curse himself for not saying it was a “White Elephant Gift Party”. You know he’d stick Hillary with it just to spite her.
Over with Stacie and Jason, she’s lamenting that it’s been a week since they sent the message and haven’t heard from her step-brother. Jason tells her not to worry because “we goin’ fiiind him“. OH! Great idea Jason!
They totally need this guy to help find her father. “Run and tell that!”
Meanwhile Lynda’s at home and gives Mary a call to invite her to the charity event. She also promises Mary that she’s posted photos of the Salamis with security to make sure they can’t get in.
Mother fuckin’ Ichiban finds this hysterical! He knows as well as we know that the Salamis will grease their way in some how.
Mary is happy about this because she swears she’ll never go to an event where the Salamis are again. Can’t wait for the reunion episode!!!
They then cut to an interview of Mic saying that while Mary and Lynda are “cliquey”, she’s all about “big love and embracing people”… and then once you lure them in with that, accusing them of grand theft auto.
Lynda’s also excited about her dress for the event but says she’s worried about fitting her “fat body” into the dress. Oh Lynda! You’re like 85 pounds. However… just in case…
Good call on finding a stylist that’s great with dealing with big white whales.
Lynda says this is all like getting ready for prom. Odd. I don’t see anyone hiding booze in plastic bottles and buying the morning after pill. Although Lynda DID just ask for a scotch. Lady knows how to party!
Lynda then asks KC to come help her into her dress and bring her astrological chart.
“According to this you’ll meet a mysterious blonde and fat man tonight that will cause blood to rain down from the skies. Oh… and your lucky numbers are 6, 66, and 666.”
Stacie continues her quest for her father by visiting the Nigerian Embassy and talking with a friendly lady. It’s starts off with…
Stacie then tells her she doesn’t have a name…
Effie is furious.
Luckily Stacie has photos and from the photos and some more information, Effie is able to figure out that Stacie’s father is most likely a chief from her very own village. What?! This is totally turning into a Disney movie. Stacie’s a princess! I hope this means Julie Andrews will be making a guest appearance!
Effie is very excited at this news because she tells Stacie since they’re from the same tribe…
You know she’s thinking, “Well great… this is just turning into more and more presents I’ll have to give at Christmas.”
The fashion show at Union Station is in full swing and Lynda shows up (looking lovely I might add) to go over the “shoot-to-kill plan” with security in case the Salamis show up.
Lynda reviews strategy with security.
It turns out security never got her photos of the Salamis. YOU KNOW the RHODC producers yanked all the photos in the hopes that the Salamis would sneak in.
The fashion show begins and Cat arrives excited to be there – that is until she realizes she’s sitting right next to Erica. DOH! That’s what happens when you don’t finish your lunch Cat! Mary says that whatever drama they all have – she’s not getting in the middle of it! Awww – she’s all heart. Luckily for Cat, her pal Paul is there…
Who’s totally looking like “I swear I’m clean again!” Whitney, tonight!
Yikes. Apparently Cat got her tickets through StubHub OR Erica chose the seating arrangements.
The show goes off without a hitch (or a Salami) and it’s a success! Lynda also takes a moment to introduce main gay Jason to David (DC mover-shaker-gay) and David talks with them about Marriage equality. It’s kind of a random moment but David tells them what he’s doing and how he’s gotten death threats for his work. Ew. I’m kind of jealous. I never get death threats working for TVgasm. But I’m pretty sure Flipit sorts the mail and tosses anything from Oasis Winery.
Lynda says she’s happy to join the fight but that marriage isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Except for the part were you take your Ex to the cleaners and get a shit ton of money out of it… and a mother fuckin’ Ichiban!
Lynda then meets with Paul and tells him about her security plans. He thinks she’s hysterical while we cut to an interview with Mic where she calls Lynda jealous and says she’s the most popular and people should call her…
If DC stands for “Debt Catastrophe” then I couldn’t agree more.
The next day, Mic is off to the stylist to get ready for the big “State Dinner” that night. She brags to all of the stylists all about it and one of them has a great idea for her make-up…
Good call. So when they turn the fire hose on her at the gate she’ll still look FAB!
Mic babbles on about how important they are to the relations between India and the US because of their polo connections and that’s why they’re “invited” to the event. She’s also worried that Obama won’t remember her from previous events. Awww sweetie, he’ll DEFINITELY remember you after this one!
Mic says she’s even called the White House Social Secretary to make sure she could wear a sari and impress everyone. Ya know, listening to her talk about all of this – she’s either A) Telling the truth B) The world’s greatest liar or C) A complete sociopath.
Guess which one I’m going with?
After her make-up, Mic then goes on to babble all the details to her hair stylist WHILE saying how confidential it all is. She DOES see the camera and sound guys standing right there, right?! Or is she just trying to cover her tracks?! INSANITY!!! Best part is the hair stylist asks to SEE the invitation! I am SOOOOO sure that the producers got her to ask that question! It was so forced and fake! I bet they were shitting themselves that there was going to be a disaster at the White House that night. YEAH! Can’t wait!
So Mic goes “looking” for the invitation but can’t find it anywhere!
“I swear I put it in here! It was right next to my pet unicorn, high school diploma and pay stub from being a Red Skins cheerleader!”
The producers clearly start panicking because they keep asking Mic to find the invitation and when Mic finally admits she doesn’t have it, they ask…
Mic responds, “Because I’ll just walk in and say, ‘I’m sari I lost it!’ Get it?! GET IT?!” (sound of Producers collecting money for bail)
Meanwhile The Salami says they don’t need it because it’s the White House and you don’t need things like an actual invitation. He’s right! WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?!?
And that’s it!!! MOTHER@#!#%!!!! How much longer are they going to string us all along?! Tune in next week for the big finale – that’s right! They’ve run out of time and finally have to reveal how shit went down!!! Can’t wait! Until then, tell me what you all think! I love hearing from you all – the good, the bad and the mother fuckin’ Ichiban! Come on kids and DISH IT!!!