Welcome back to the capital of the United States of Assholes! It’s The Real Housewives of DC! Let’s get right to it!
We begin with Cat, our current “fav housewife to hate”. I say “current” but I feel like she’ll take first prize in this race every time. She’s just… such… a BITCH. Great entertainment though! I also like that, for once, a reality show is making a non-American look like an asshole. She’s writing a book about her relationship with her husband. At least that’s what I could gather from her mumbling and general disrespect for her language.
Fire and water I get. But diamond and glass? Doesn’t that mean one is really strong and beautiful while the other is cheaper and breaks easily? Can I guess who’s who?!
Cat finds out that she has 2 weeks to finish her crappy book and she’s also about to do a shoot for her book cover. She’s upset that she doesn’t want to look like a woman who “likes to go shopping for things” on the cover. Yes. Cat doesn’t buy her OWN things! She enjoys the things OTHER people buy and then bitches about them.
On to my fav, Stacie! She’s visiting her friend’s vineyard which just happens to be the only african-american-owned vineyard on the East Coast. Ohhh! How often do you think they get asked about Cristal?
And then look who shows up…
Did they get a friggin’ weekly special on this white limo?! Do they take it to the fucking grocery store too?! Stop bragging you guys – look at Cat – she doesn’t show up on her broomstick EVERY time!
So the Salamis are greeted by everyone and they all step inside to try some wines. Of course Mr. Salami has to blow hard about how much (ridiculously pointless and objective) shit he knows about wine while Stacie’s husband quickly wins my heart by quipping he “just likes to drink it!”
While they’re walking through the vineyard, Stacie asks the Salamis what they think of Obama…
“I enjoy his politics and he throws a great party. Although the invitation process is odd. In that we’re actually never invited.”
And Micheale’s opinion…
“Bunnies and gum drops! Yeah!!!”
Stacie announces that Jason’s brother is a having a big album release party in Paris and invites the Salamis to go along. It’s kind of sad watching all of this take place knowing what crappy people the Salamis are. It’s like watching Stacie get into a car wreck in slow motion. Except Stacie’s driving a tricked out Vespa and the Salamis are driving a white limo filled with tacky shit and stupidity.
Stacie invites them to go to Paris and The Salami says, “We are known to do spontaneous things!” and forgot to add “Like stopping by the White House uninvited!” or “Fleeing the country once all of our creditors hunt us down!” “You just can’t lock us down!”
Now on to everyone’s fav bitch – Lynda! She’s working a fundraiser night at Saks for breast cancer (go girl!) and some of her girls are there to model. Then Mary show’s up!
She’s a monster!
The show begins and Lynda starts critiquing her slaves– I mean models…
“…these diet pills and the backside of a toothbrush.”
I kid, I kid. Actually, big props to Lynda for being the first model rep I’ve ever heard suggest that skinny girls eat. Of course, she’ll then file their teeth down. But at least they get a wheat thin for their troubles.
While they’re at the show, Mary tries to get the dirt from Lynda about her fight with Mic. Lynda is perturbed that Mic was even able to get her upset. She goes on to bitch about the Salamis and their crap wine and then MARY STICKS UP FOR THE WINE! Lynda looks like she’s about to smack a bitch and just says, “well… I’ve never tried it.” Mary says she blames The Salami for corrupting Mic and Mary agrees. Looks like we’re on a Real Housewives Rescue Mission!
And now commercials!
Ugh. “Eat Hay, Love.” I’m not paying $12 to see Horseface fuck a bunch of hot guys–
Ok fine I’ll see it.
Back to the show, Stacie’s packing for their trip and reviews the plans with Jason, her husband. He’s pretty likable. I’m really crossing my fingers that he doesn’t piss me off. But we all know what this show is – so give it time. They also talk about how surprised they are that the Salamis are actually going. Of course they are! They just need to find a jet to steal– borrow! I meant borrow.
The Salamis then put on the “we have SOOO many things to pack because we’re rich!” show. Is anyone else excited for their downfall? Although if I see anything short of them being stripped of their goods and thrown in the slammer I’ll be disappointed. Did I mention I’m cranky today? Fuck ‘em.
Lynda and Cat then meet to catch up and Lynda starts things out with a bottle of Chardonnay. OH MY GOD! If Cat makes a crack about the Chardonnay, Lynda’s going to stab her to death with one of her skinny slaves — dammit – MODELS! They talk about Cat’s new book and how it’s about Cat’s affair with a married man. Cat says “hilarious escapades” occur in the book!
She’s a witch! Burn her!
Lynda says that she worries that a scandalous book would hurt Cat’s husband’s job. Well at least SOMEONE’S thinking of that. Ya know what would be worse than a crap book no one will read? Being a total bitch on an immensely popular TV show. So… maybe avoid that.
Back over with Mary and her husband, they’re sharing a meal while Mary tells him about how she wants to help her hair stylist, Ted Gibson, meet some “important DC people”. So she’s throwing him a party. HOW THE HELL DO I JOIN THIS CLUB WHERE EVERYONE THROWS ME A PARTY?! All these women like to do is throw parties for gays! Sign me up!Richard talks about the showmanship of the Salamis and how starved for attention they are. Yeah they are! Now smile and talk shit to the camera Richard.
We then join Cat at her house while her and the kids welcome Chaaaaaarles back home. Charles shows the girls a fun app on his iPhone that makes their voices sound even more chipmunk-like. If I was the boom operator that day I probably would’ve shot myself.
But the fun quickly takes a turn for the British when Cat gets dramatic about Charles being away and how she hasn’t “gotten more that SIX hours” of sleep every night. Bitch I got FOUR hours of sleep last night writing about you and your snatchy friends!
So Charles makes a crack about “mommy partying” and her little minions leap to her defense…
“DO NOT HARM OUR PREEECIOUS!!!”
But Charles strikes back with “When does swanning (whatever the fuck that means) come into my life?!”
“POOF!” So much for the kids defending you! LOL!
Cat tells Charles to “chill” and he gets all pissy. I mean, more than usual. Uh oh! Looks like she’ll have to update the happy ending of her tell-all book!
Slimy lizard with know-it-all attitude and a British accent. Hmmm… something seems so familiar about this.
OMG! Hershey’s is making edible people now! Here comes Mary! NOM NOM NOM!
Ya know what’s worse than “Going the Distance”? Breaking up. She bought a PC, dude. Shit ain’t cool.
Back with the girls… meaning Paul – the 6th housewife! He’s a sassy lil’ bitch and I kind of like him.
Especially with this week’s “The Bodyguard” hairdo! Oh Paul. We will always… LOVE YOUUUU!!! OOooohhh!
DAMMIT KEVIN! ZIP IT!
So Paul’s publicist drops the bomb that The Salami’s lawyer called right before his party to say that they wanted a signed document that they didn’t have to pay for anything before they arrived in their stretch limo. TACKY!!!! Ew. How dare they! When you say you’re going to throw someone an unnecessarily huge party and make a show of it – you pay for it. Paul’s publicist should’ve told him at the party. If it was me I would’ve stood up in front of everyone, thanked the Salamis for throwing the party, let them take a big round of applause and then present them with the check in front of everyone and asked them to sign it. BAM!
Stacie and Jason arrive in Paris and check in with the Salamis right behind them. Soon they’re enjoying expensive champagne on a veranda overlooking Paris.
“Drink fast. We have 10 minutes before the owners of this suite find out we’re here! HA HA! I kid. But seriously, hurry the @#$! up and run.”
Stacie and Jason are very impressed by the Salamis. Can’t wait til they’re bailing them out of some Parisian jail. Good times then!
Back in the states, Paul calls Mary to tell her about the Salami drama.
That your hair stylist is a monkey in a wig?
So Mary’s “appalled” in the most non-emotional way. This episode is kind of boring. She could have at least thrown something across the room and offered to devour Mic for Paul.
Back in Paris, Jason’s brother is taking the stage…
“All the crackers who gonna skip on their bar tab say ‘HEY OH!”
So everyone gets a lil’ tipsy and the Salamis exclaim it’s the best time they’ve ever had! I’m guessing it’s because Interpol can’t find them.
Time for commercials!
Is this where they try and pass M&M’s off as birth control? Cause I fell for that once. Alimony’s a bitch.
OMG. Did she just eat one of those Napoleons in the back?!
“I die.” Don’t let us stop you.
Ummm… by the looks of it, those are the ones with salmonella.
We join Mary and her 14 year old daughter as they discuss “sexting”. This is the process of sending 6 texts at once I believe. Oh… wait… nope it’s sending 6 texts of your junk at once.
Can you believe she came out with that?! Ew. Mary should’ve said, “You know what happens if you go to private school? You move back home with your giant dog and the maid picks up its shit all day. SO THINK OF ROSA! Speaking of – where the fuck’s that lazy bitch? ROSA!!!! I GOTTA MAKE!”
Meanwhile, Cat is doing a photo shoot for her book cover.
I don’t get it. This looks nothing like her. Unless there’s murdered babies and the innocent souls of nuns in those bags. Then it’s spot on.
She’s thrilled when Charles shows up then and whisks her away to do a REAL photo shoot. I’d be so pissed if I was the first photographer. I hope he goes and posts her photos on Madame Lynda’s website.
Charles brings Cat to a subway station entrance because he likes the feel of the “giant hole”. Yes, we know sex with Cat must be devastating, but MUST you tell us about it?!
With any hope that thing’s gonna grow teeth and swallow her a la Star Wars.
Over in Paris, Stacie and Mic are shopping and bonding. Stacie tells Mic that she’s adopted…
“YOU MEAN LIKE A PUPPY?! I LOVE PUPPIES! DO YOU WANNA BISCUIT?!”
Apparently Stacie’s having problems though because her birth mother won’t tell her who her real father is because he doesn’t even know she exists! BUM BUM BUUUUM!!!! In DC?! She loves politics, loves Southern food and is good with money?
OMG. I know who her father is!
Over in DC, Mary begins planning the party for her friend Ted. So she starts by getting her hair did…
I take it Moby does hair now? I mean, how long could we all listen to that over-produced melancholy techno shit? So good for him!
Moby then tells Mary that the Salamis were bragging about how much money they spent on Paul’s party AT PAUL’S PARTY! WHA WHAAAT!!! Call the police! Call the mayor! Call LYNDA! TREACHERY! Mary just wants to concentrate on her hair though. UGH. Come ON Mary – we need some good drama! Get Cat in there and tell her Mic called her “common”.
Stacie shows up and (wish and you shall receive) Cat is right behind her! Ohhh! Throw down! The alliances are quickly coming together! The perfect storm!
Lynda starts talking shit about Mic while Stacie’s right there. Moby seems hell bent on getting them all to fight. I kinda love him now. He’s gonna throw a raw steak down between Mary and Mic at any moment.
So the party begins and while Stacie and new bestie, Mic chum it up, Lynda hides away and tries to steer clear of the Salamis. Besides, she doesn’t want to make a scene and get blood on her dress. Paul also has a bone to pick with Mic (YEAH!) but decides it’s not appropriate at someone else’s party (BOOOO!!!).
During the party, Cat tries to “bond” with Stacie but only ends up getting close to Lynda and Mary when she calls the food at the party “revolting”. Awww – such a charmer. Oh but wait! Boozy Lynda decides to tell Stacie that if she can sing she can join the group too a la Diana Ross! Awwwww! That’s the sweetest underhanded remark ever! Stacie should’ve said “I’ll be Diana if you be Joni Mitchell ya shriveled up ol’ bitch!” Then Cat gets her panties in a bunch because Stacie’s friend cracks a joke about how Stacie’s now the token black girl. It’s getting messy folks. I can’t keep track of who’s pissing off who anymore. Let’s just call them all assholes and call it a day.
She then quickly devoured another puppy and got back on the treadmill again.
It’s besties Stacie and Mic! “Dark Chocolate” and “Nuts”!
Back at the party, Cat brings Paul outside to bitch about Stacie’s friend. She blames her for driving a wedge between her and Stacie by insinuating that the friend thinks Cat’s racist. I really wanted Paul to say “Ohhh sweetie – you’re not racist – you’re just a TOTAL BITCH.” Which he pretty much does say to her and then they kiss and make up. Watch out girls! She’s got a gay black guy on her side now! There’s no trumping that! Unless of course they get a Jewish gay black man on their side.
OMG! Cat just joked to Paul, “Don’t kiss me! You’re gay and you’re colored!” Ok. She kinda won me over a TINY bit there!!! Oh no! What’s… happening… to me?!
“Join us bBitz! (cackle cackle!) Come to the dark and evil white side!!!
Back at the dinner, Mr. Salami is telling everyone that Cat actually GAINED weight when she met him. UMMM – WTF?! Was she anti-matter when you met her?! A walking black hole?! Or just a skeleton with big eyes and lips?
Lynda is livid and really thinks it’s all Mr. Salami’s fault – and she thinks Mic should divorce Mr. Salami! WHAAAAT!
Or just smile ’til it makes your face bleed. Wah wah waaaahhh…
And that’s it! It was a relatively slow episode which seems to be building into the big “White House” episode. Hopefully that’s next week! Otherwise, what’d everyone think of this one?! I miss anything? Love hearing from you all! Come on kids and dish it!!!