Welcome back Gasmi! We left off with one hell of a cliffhanger 2 weeks ago! Where were we? What was happening?!
“Picture it! DC! 2010! The Real Housewives are feasting upon each other like Mic is a thin piece of angel hair pasta and Mary’s a big ol’ meatball. And Stacie? She’s just sauced!”
Thanks Sofia! That’s right! We begin where we left off at the Salami grape-stomping event that was quickly turning into a Mary-stomping event! And Mr. Salami was just about to make a big reveal!
OK make that three revelations.
Then the Salami reveals that at one of their polo events a car was taken and all of their polo gear was stolen! WHHAAAA?! First of all, who the fuck wants polo gear? Other than the pretentious white people that already own it?
Salami then starts slurring (Classy McWasted over here) that they’re “the most forgiving people in the world” (clearly since he’s decided to accuse someone via a national TV audience) and Mary cuts him short with a “GET TO THE POINT.” Salami then reveals that the FBI came to him and told him that Mary’s daughter (Lolly) admitted on Facebook (world’s most credible source, 2nd only to wikipedia) that she was in with the gang that stole the car and gear!
Lolly’s dog strikes again!
Salami says the photo was of people wearing “his jacket… his hat… his polo mallet” and his man spanks. It’s gonna be awesome if the FBI searches Mary’s house and finds drawers and drawers of XXL 80′s sweaters in Lolly’s room.
Jason, Stacie’s husband, then questions why the fuck the FBI would care about this. The Salami slurs out more accusations that the FBI has been monitoring the situation for months. Mary slowly starts getting upset and you can tell she’s sauced since every other word seems to take 5 minutes for her to get out. The poor thing’s brain almost exploded when she tried to say the word “accusation”.
Throughout all of this, Mic just sits there like a coked-up 4 year old, half in wonderment and half in mock-horror at the things coming out of the Salami’s mouth. The best is when Stacie sees how upset Mary’s getting and says, “This must be so devastating–” and Mic cuts her off with “FOR US! I KNOW!” Way to keep the spotlight on you, Mic.
Sidenote: I’m pretty sure she wrote De La Soul’s hit song.
Stacie and Jason start getting more and more upset and defensive of Mary since the Salami’s are throwing giant accusations around at her daughter. Jason and Stacie take the “parents” perspective and Jason looks like he’s about to pop the Salami. THAT WOULD BE AWESOME. But in Salami’s defense, polo gear is REALLY cool. So they should probably back the fuck up.
And Mic adds that the CHARITY from the polo event will be hurt now. Stacie and Jason are about to completely blow at that comment…
Meanwhile Mary’s upset when she realizes she forgot to tell Rosa to take the ham out of the freezer for dinner. Oh – and that her daughter may have committed grand theft. Mostly about the ham though.
Jason then LAYS into the Salami which only makes the Salami angrier and say “everyone’s going to jail!” Yikes. Mary’s not going to handle that well…
“It’s honey-baked and there’s NO WAY it’ll thaw in time!”
I could be wrong. Wait – no – and she adds that she doesn’t know “what the <bleep> is going on!” I’ll tell you what’s going on. The Salami’s pissed everyone called him out on using store-bought grapes for the stomp and now it’s payback! This wine party just got REAL!!!
“Well shit. I suppose now’s a bad time to bring up how much everyone owe’s us for the grapes.” (sip)
Mary finally loses it and peaces out of the dinner early. Her, Stacie and Jason take off in what will probably be one of the most awkward limo-rides of their lives.
Jason briefly thinks about bringing up a three-way but then realizes Mary’s sobbing will totally be a boner-killer.
Everyone comments how all of this came out of nowhere after a “beautiful” day. Really? GOD I wish Cat had been there for this! I honestly think she would’ve force fed the Salami’s dead body down Mic’s throat.
Days later Lynda, Cat and Stacie hang out at the spa to catch up on the big “wine event debacle”. Cat is SOOOO disappointed that she missed out on the real fun! And Lynda missed it too! UGH! THIS IS WHY YOU GO TO AND STAY AT THESE EVENTS LADIES!!! I seriously think Bravo should force them to go to these events. Otherwise it’s just a scattered housewives narrative instead of the clusterfuckfest it should be!
Lynda is PISSED that the Salami’s embarrassed Mary and thinks they’re completely ridiculous and laughable. Stacie chimes in and you can tell that she’s really turning from the dark side to the – well – gray side of the housewives divide.
Meanwhile, at Mary’s house, it’s time for Lolly to tell her side of the story.
“I DID IT OK?!?! I DID IT!! I ATE THE WHOLE HONEY-BAKED HAM AND IT WAS SO GOOD! BWAAAHHHH!!!!!”
As far as the theft accusations, Lolly says she posted something on Facebook but didn’t do anything. I keep trying to figure out if she’s lying but she seems pretty calm and just pissed that they’re picking on her Mom. Mr. Mary says that he should do the manly thing and beat Salami’s ass. Hmmm… not sure who would win in that fight. It’d be really fun to watch though. Two chubbers going at it.
Mary concludes by saying that they believe their daughter and they’re going to do some research to prove her innocence. OMG. They’re totally gonna find the Salami’s gear stashed under Lolly’s bed… right next to the ham bone and carcass of a deer.
Meanwhile, fun-loving Mic is having dinner with her assistant Jen. I always think it’s lame when someone’s assistant is their best friend. What does that say when you pay your best friend for waiting on you? It says you’re Micahele Salahi. That’s what. LAME. Your friends should wait on your for free. Like mine do. They know what’s up when I yell, “ICE WATER!!!” and then back hand them when they bring tap water.
Mic and Jen talk about how awesome it was when Jen told Cat that she was being “bitchy”. That WAS pretty awesome. It’ll also be awesome when Cat meets Jen in a dark alley one day. And by dark alley I mean Jen’s closet. Cat WILL strike.
My favorite part of dinner is when Mic refers to the end of that night as “wild and busy”. BUSY?! You compare accusing a friend’s daughter of stealing and creating a shit storm of bad karma… to BUSY?! A street is BUSY. A phone line can be BUSY. A pattern on one of your husband’s Cosby sweaters is BUSY. But that night? TRAGIC BURNING OF BRIDGES WITH ANYONE YOU HAD A CHANCE OF STAYING FRIENDS WITH.
You know what’s funny? I bet the moment Jen called Cat “bitchy” the producers were like “Whoa! We like this girl! Mic, you’re having lunch with her tomorrow!”
And Mic was like, “Wait – who’s she? Is that the girl that empties my bed pan and makes me lettuce sandwiches?”
The ladies then dish about how stupid it was for the “thieves” to post on Facebook about what they did. So Mic adds that people should be careful about posting and advertising the wrong things that they’ve done all over the internet because it’ll come back to get ya!
Case in point.
Back with Mary and Mr. Mary, they’re discussing the Salahi allegations and how Mr. Mary has found NOTHING that shows their daughter was involved in anything to do with the theft.
Mary also checked every over-sized coffee table book and found nothing. Good job Inspector Mary. Now who wants another glass of wine?! YOU DO!!!
They come to the conclusion that the Salahi’s “make shit up”. Lol! Elementary, my dear Watson!
Over with Lynda, she finally calls Stacie for some real estate advice – after she’s already pretty much bought a house. It’s kind of like asking the waiter what’s great on the menu while you’re already eating your hamburger. This scene was pretty useless. EXCEPT FOR…
MOTHER FUCKIN ICHIBAN!!! God I love that dog. What a lil ham. He’s so fucked if Mary ever lays eyes on him.
Over at the stuffiest, whitest restaurant I’ve ever seen in my life, Cat and Edwina have finally met for lunch. I CANNOT believe these two are meeting! Cat is the brashest, most out-spoken bitch in DC and Edwina would smile through the execution of a kindergarten class as not to break character. Does anyone else think she might rip her face off and expose herself as one of those aliens from “Men in Black”?
Edwina asks Cat all about her book and her husband’s job. She’s sooooo… ODD. She literally comes off as the friendliest psychopath I’ve ever seen. I’d love to watch her from across a room. But if I ran into her I’m almost sure I’d shit out every meal I’ve eaten since Reagan left office. But only because she’d ask me to.
What she says… and what she’s thinking.
Then the talk about Healthcare Reform begins and Cat’s eyes light up with murder. She better be careful, I honestly think this is the only lady – no, the only human – in DC that could take Cat. Seriously. Although I hear the CIA is thinking about spraying Cat with pepper spray and air-dropping her into the area Bin Laden was last seen. Bitch would be a MONSTER when she regained her eyesight.
Cat tells Edwina that she’s only been in the states for 2 years and she already has 23K in medical bills! Wow! It costs that much to have a litter of puppies pumped from your stomach?! Crazy.
Meanwhile Edwina gives birth right in the middle of lunch.
“Did someone say “HEALTHCARE REFORM”?! RAWR!!!!!!”
After the servers clean things up, Mic calls the US healthcare system criminal and accuses Republicans of being the world’s worst thing since braces. Edwina’s official response? “Cucumber sandwich?” LOVE IT. I’m almost sure Palin’s gonna use that one in a debate at some point.
Speaking of, Cat asks Edwina what she thinks of Palin and Edwina says she thinks “she would’ve been fine as VP”. Cue Cat’s look of horror and…
Edwina’s use of a tea cup to hide her forked tongue.
Edwina, because she’s a glutton for punishment, then invites Cat to a party she’s throwing for health care reform members. Nothing says “Healthcare Reform” like pissing away money on cheap booze and canapes.
Later on, Lynda and Ebong meet Stacie and Jason for dinner. Stacie’s semi-mortified that Lynda’s choosing to move outside of DC to the ‘burbs but doesn’t voice it to Lynda. I mean – does she not think Lynda’s gonna watch this show when it airs? Although, at the rate Lynda likes to participate in things there’s a good chance she wont.
Stacie then asks Ebong where in Nigeria he’s from because her father’s from there. Ebong says he’s from the area that borders the country of…
Stacie’s excited and calls Ebong her “brotha”. Odd. That’s kind of like me calling a gay in West Hollywood one of my sistahs but— oh. Yeah, actually that does work. CAMAROOOOOOOON!
Meanwhile Lynda asks Stacie about her mother and starts to sympathize with the mother. Stacie says that she appreciates Lynda’s point of view but wonders…
“ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND, CLARICE?!?!”
Thanks, Weezer. No Lynda’s not out of her mind but she seems to really feel that it was the racism that Stacie’s mom dealt with that probably drove her to giving her up. That could be the case. However, Lynda also goes on to say that she grew up in the south and used to experience racism herself. Jason and Stacie’s reaction is PERFECT…
“WHITE SHE-DEVIL SAY WHAT?!”
Lynda said she wasn’t served because she was white. Where the fuck was she going to eat? The Apollo Theatre?! Maybe she meant she was someplace they wouldn’t serve her unicorn tears or care bear hearts. I can see her requesting either of those… with bacon.
Jason asks Lynda and Ebong if they ever get noticed for being a black and old — er white couple and Lynda says that love is blind when it’s between a man and a woman and then makes a reference to his nappy chest hair. Aaaaaaaand SCENE!
Back in Candyland, Mary discovers that her daughter, Chubbers #2, has fallen asleep on a HoHo. Ironic since that’s how she was conceived – Mr. Mary fell asleep on a HoHo – named Mary. ZING! (It’s late.)
So apparently Chubbers #2 fell asleep while eating a HoHo. First of all – DISGRACEFUL. How the fuck can you fall asleep while eating the yummy goodness that is a HoHo?!? If someone put a gun to my head and said “I’ll blow your fucking brains out if you finish that HoHo!” my response would be, “Can you pull the trigger after I finish chewing?” And that would be if they could even understand me while I was already finishing it.
Over with Lynda, she’s giving the grand tour of her new house to the kids… AND ICHIBAN!
Love that ladder! I mean is there any way to see one of those and not think of Belle? I mean, it’s impossible if you’re gay at least.
Most importantly Ichiban loves the house too!
To be fair to him, this is how Lynda laid claim to the house. It’s also how she chose her son’s girlfriend to be her assistant.
So everyone is now getting ready for Edwina’s big party and Cat decides that she wants to dress like trash to the party to purposely piss Edwina off. As always, she’s neck and neck with Anna Wintour for Ms. Congeniality.
Btw, for those of you who’ve seen “The September Issue”, this could totally be Anna (right) and her red-headed sidekick (left). I wonder if the one of the left knows how many years her soul will be crushed for?
Then they decide that she should wear her wedding dress!
Good lord. It looks like she beheaded Bjork’s swan dress and dyed it pink.
Up at the event, Edwina enters to make the rounds and check on everything…
YIKES. Shit for decor. This is what happens when you’re in a party that persecutes gays so much. Shitty party decor and atmosphere. What’s next? Beer only?
Edwina then leaves to go get ready – just in time since the Salami’s make their grand entrance shortly thereafter. Apparently they can show up to a party on-time when their lawyer isn’t frantically letting the host know they’re not paying for anything.
Cat immediately makes some friends…
A) Girl who was paid to be there by… B) The guy looking into the camera. Oh – and I guess it was… cold in there?
Stacie and Jason then arrive to the party and are hugely awkward around the Salamis. Yeah! Fake kisses! Love it! Kiss Kiss! Stab stab!
Then a DC council member stops by who is a big wig – especially with gay marriage. One would’ve never thought that as he compliments Mic on her dress.
You know who else came?
Bitch has SOME nerve! I wonder if she had her brain sucked out to complete the outfit.
Not only is Cat in rare dress form – she also has it out for Mic because of the the whole Mary situation. She’s like a jungle cat stalking her prey. Finally it’s getting good! Speaking of – Edwina then makes her grand entrance!
Ask her if she has health insurance before loading her in the ambulance!
So I guess Edwina had “vertigo” and her associates then announce that she had to leave early! Maybe she saw the veggie platter. Ick. How awful! Now the Republicans will never win the healthcare vote! Wah wah waaaaaah!
Meanwhile, Cat’s rekindling an old romance between her and Mic’s assistant who called her bitchy. I hope the walls in this room are scotch-guarded and splatter-proof.
Cat calls her out on calling her bitchy and Jen retaliates with “it was all in good fun!” Yeah – like – “Knock Knock” “Who’s there?” “Jen” “Jen who?” “SHUT THE FUCK UP OR I”LL KILL YOU.” It’s all good fun! Yeah! Besties friendies!
Cat then tears her a new Jen-hole and says that it was a bitchy thing to call her bitchy. Ugh. Ladies. You’re ALL bitches. Call it a night already. Or EVERYONE’S gonna go home on a stretcher.
Cat’s pissed because she says Mic acts like a stupid, fake Barbie Doll. Really? I mean, she’s not THAT bad.
She just likes meeting people! And having them touch her golden hair. And she giggles… all the time. Ugh. Fucking Barbie.
And that’s it! What an episode! So much of nothing happened! I have to admit. I get a lil jealous when I see these other RH shows and people are throwing shit and screaming. Although Mary was reduced to tears – so I guess we should count our blessings. What did you all think?! About anything?! Everything?! I’m losing it! Dish it!