Welcome back kids! Last episode things were just heating up after a 39 minutes of Zzzzzzz… so I’ve got high hopes for this episode! It’s gonna be AMAZING! Isn’t cute how I set my self up for disappointment? But we’re in the land of disappointment, so get those DC-style whiskey cokes ready (whiskey on ice with a cocaine rimmed glass) to drown your sorrows… it’s “THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF DC”!
We start the show out by looking in on Cat and Chaaaaaahles (He’s back! Yeah! Nothing can go wrong now!) as they work on the cover of her new book. I’m guessing it’ll look something like this…
Find it in the self-help section of your local bookstore!
Cat keeps trying to give Chaaaahles advice but he’s not too open to her suggestions since she has a Photography degree in “Jack Shit”. Then they start going over his schedule for the next couple of weeks…
“I’m going to NYC, London, Florida… and then ummm… I don’t know. Anywhere but here really. Unless you go someplace else. And then I’ll “not go” there. I’m just afraid the longer I look at you the faster I’ll turn to stone. You understand, right? Cheers!”
Chaaaahles lists about 20 different celebs he’s shooting and as the list gets longer, Cat gets pissier. They actually end the convo by saying “Yeah – well – best of luck!” to each other. Gee. (spoiler alert) I can’t IMAGINE why this marriage went down the shitter.
Over at the Four Seasons, Mic is showing the Salami her cheerleading moves…
Nice move! Now try it again… with a pillow… for 5-10 minutes.
Mic tells us that she used to be a cheerleader for the Washington Red Skins. Hmmm… Methinks that’s probably BS but let’s just say she was. I’m sure in her head she also thinks she also invented the internet, sliced bread and anorexia.
Mic says she loves cheering. Especially at the winery which helps build their empire. Oh yes. Remember that time Caesar built his empire with a bunch of skinny blondes and pom poms? Sadly, I believe his last words were, “Et tu, Brute? Like OMG… FML… tots most def.”
Soon we’re at the cheerleader practice and Mic’s galavanting around like a… well… cheerleader. This would be SO much better if Sue Sylvester was their coach. I’d imagine she take Mic by the back of the head and slam it into the nearest table. Ya know what though? Mic’s doing a great job…
Mic is atrocious and fucks up every move. Actually she gets the moves but it’s just that she does them 5 seconds behind everyone else. Does this girl do anything that’s not a trainwreck? I almost feel sorry for her. But I’m pretty sure people feeling sorry for her has got her where she is today.
Side note: I applaud the one girl that had the brains not to sign the consent form. Way to go Blurry-face girl!
Off to my fav family – Stacie and Co.! Stacie is having dessert with her kids and finds out one doesn’t like ice cream. WHAT? Well – there goes what I thought was the perfect family. WTF is wrong with your kid?! He better be either lactose intolerant or have a fear of sprinkles.
Cat, Mary and their kids arrive to join the party. Oh dear. I feel like either Mary’s kid’s gonna gobble up Stacie’s kids like a HoHo or Cat’s kid is going to mindfuck them like a scene from “The Good Son”.
Stacie’s friend immediately starts busting on Cat and calls her “mean and klutzy”!
NO FAIR! Bitch there’s a LONG LINE of people waiting to do that! Chaaaahles? I believe you’re up first.
Then one of Stacie’s lil’ cherubs asks, “Which one of the mommies is the oldest?” LOVE HIM. If he wasn’t prompted by one of the producers to say that then he’s my hero. OF COURSE Cat’s lil’ ones pipe up and start pointing fingers. Ahhh bitchiness just runs in their blood. The girls choose Mary as the oldest and Mary mutters something to her daughter like, “Eat that lil’ bitch up – and don’t fall asleep this time!”
The ladies all retire to the living room and Lynda arrives with news the Paul Wharton is hosting a party for someone on the DC council – a gay marriage supporter. OH! I hope Paul goes all “Whitney testifying before congress that crack is whack” for that event!
Stacie then comments that she’s “not sure how she feels about the whole gay marriage thing.” Ahhh fuck. I have this odd feeling my fav family is going to disappoint me. Mother@#! this show’s a let down! And just as the convo is about to get good with politics – Mary interjects and asks about Mic’s claim to be a Red Skin’s cheerleader. Yes. By all means – let’s not pay off the whole fucking reason this show’s in DC. Let’s just snark about Mic for the umpteenth million time.
Mary flat out says Mic is full of “SHIT”. That’s classic. I hope when Mic writes her book, Mary gets to write a quote for the back cover.
Still my favorite, girl. Still my favorite.
Lynda thinks the whole thing is a friggin’ hoot and I love her for it. She really seems to be the only one that has the best grip on reality since Stacie still seems to give Mic the benefit of the doubt and the rest get all worked up about it. I wanna smoke pot, drink whiskey and eat bacon with Lynda soooo bad! If she consents, I’m totally gonna write her biography…
Bestseller’s list for 3 months at least.
Mary then reveals that Lolly quit her job and is still living home. Lady, please stop setting yourself up for getting advice you know you don’t want. It’s ALMOST as fucking stupid as leaving your closet open and bitching that someone’s stealing your clothes. So of course, Stacie and Cat reiterate how stupid Mary is and Erica (Stacie’s friend) calls Cat “Mean Cat” for what will probably be the last time. Cat gets all defensive and Erica brings up the whole Tyra debacle again! Oh Tyra. How many relationships will your existence destroy?! I’m almost sure that’s what is at the base of the Middle East conflict. Israel called Tyra too “sassy” and Palestine was like, “Uh uh no you di’nt.”
Lynda then says Erica is being a little too judgmental (I really hope Stacie’s house isn’t made of glass) and gives Erica a piece of SMACKDOWN! Shit starts getting “real” all while Mary just leans back and enjoys the show…
“Finally, someone else is getting grilled at one of these wretched fucking wine parties. Speaking of… where’s my box of chardonnay?! It’s in my rider for these @%#! parties!”
Finally Cat can’t take any more bashing and starts to lash back at Erica…
Cat says Erica’s got a lot of anger built up which I can see. She just seems like one of those ladies that’s always waiting to speak her mind to “better people”. First of all – yes Cat doesn’t know when to shut the fuck up. BUT – bringing it up at wine party with friends is hardly the place. Stacie says it’s better than behind her back. Not if you want to have a nice party it isn’t! Now where’s that @!$% ice cream?!?
Stacie is mortified that her Wine & Ice Cream party has turned into a “Whine & I Scream Party” (sorry I just had to) and Lynda (who’s actually the voice of reason here) tells Erica that she should’ve laid the fuck off because Cat’s going through a hard time. But Erica just keeps it up until they all clear out to say goodbye to Cat. Party foul!
BTW I know where the wild things are. Laying dead and skinned in Cat’s closet.
Stacie then rushes in and tries to salvage her party by getting Cat to stay…
“…because now we’d really like to bring your girls into the living room and circle the ugly spots on their bodies. Yeah Wine and Cheese party!”
And now everyone’s ditched Erica…
Fun times at the Wine & Cheese-stands-alone Party! (Ok – last one I promise)
Cat says she feels “annihilated” and her girls are watching like they’re gonna walk over and ankle-bite the shit out of Erica. Erica then decides to confront Cat one more time and holds awkwardly her while telling her she wants to be friends. It’s like the worst Hallmark movie moment ever. Cat ALMOST gives in and then Erica adds, “Stop giving me bad body language!” HOLY SHIT! Protect your ankles!!!
Everyone back away from Cat!! She’s gonna strike!!!
Cat tells her to eat shit and then Lynda (who is hands down my favorite now) is the only one with class enough to tell them to quit it because the kids are standing there. Lynda must’ve sensed the danger lurking. I bet she was ready to smudge them and/or throw holy water all over them.
Over at the Mary household, Lolly tells us that she quit her job because it was cool for 10 seconds and then it sucked. OMG why doesn’t EVERYONE just do that?! Oooooh that’s right. Because we’re no longer living at home and have respect for ourselves. ICK.
Lolly asks to stay home longer and though Rich tries to be slightly harder on her, Mary just lays down like a doormat. Luckily Lolly says she’s going to become an artist and support herself that way. EXCELLENT! I’m sure arts and crafts will keep you in the lifestyle to which you’ve become accustomed to.
No, it won’t. But selling your Mom’s shit from her closet on eBay will!
The two ladies then steamroll over Mr. Mary and Lolly is set to stay there until Mary is on life-support. And by life-support I mean her chardonnay IV drip.
After commercial, Paul Wharton kicks off his little get-together with the DC Council Member in order to support gay marriage. Hey Paul, what would you wanna do if you got to marry your gay lover?!
“OOOOOH I’d wanna dance with somebody!”
Paul says that he’s excited for all of his friends for all of his friends to support him. (I suspect a storm is brewing) Speaking of, Cat arrives! And while saying “Hellooooo!” to everyone else, snubs the shit out of Erica!
This is soooo that moment on “The View” when Christine Applegate snubbed Elisabeth Hasselback! I mean… I heard that’s what happened.
So they start the weirdest party ever – or whatever the hell it is. They should’ve just called this “The Real Housewives: Dish On Gay Marriage: What up with ‘Dat?!” Lynda starts off saying she believes in gay marriage and not just because her sister’s gay. WHAT?! Why is Lynda so awesome!? I can’t handle it any more. I’m in love. If she comes out and says she secretly eats pints of ice cream and buries the empty cartons in the backyard so no one knows – she’s my soulmate.
Cat agrees – although I have to say – with her accent – when she said “I think you should be able to marry anyone you like”, it sounded like, “I think you should be able to bang anyone you like” and I almost lost my shit. That would’ve been awesome.
Mary then comes out and says she hasn’t thought about it because she’s not gay which pisses Paul off a bit. To be fair to Mary, I don’t think she thinks about things in general. Unless gay marriage is stealing shit from her closet or printed on a bottle wine – she don’t give a shit.
Jason says his problems with gay marriage stem for his religious background (oh boy…) and Lynda says she grew up Southern Baptist but her whole family knew her sister was gay since she was born and they were OK with it. Wow. That must’ve been a super gay baby. Let’s take a look at Lynda’s sister at 4 months…
Oh. Well yeah I can see it now.
Jason and Stacie then affirm that marriage is between a man and a woman. Oh. Well then…
DEAD. TO. ME.
Stacie then says that marriage is between a man and woman and gays can have civil union. Did anyone else feel like when she said “gays” and “civil union” she acted like the words were making her mouth dirty. UGH. I hate it when you think you get to know someone via TV and they turn into somebody you don’t like. It starts to make feel like I’m not truly friends with all my favorite characters on TV.
“But we love you bBitz!!!”
Awwww… THANKS kids!
“I LOVE YOU TOO!!!”
Ew. Shut up you crazy bitch.
Paul then says that people scream shit out their windows at him and if he was treated equally, by being allowed to marry, they wouldn’t do it… as much. Ummm… I see where you’re going with that Paul – but I’m almost sure people will always scream shit out the window at you. Personally, I’d be screaming “WHERE’S YOUR BOBBY??! BOBBBBBBY BROWN!” as you walked by.
Jason says that people call them “homophobes” when they’re against gay marriage…
Dear Jason, What might you call someone that said blacks shouldn’t be able to marry people that are white – or in your case, half white / half black? Would you call them… religious? opinionated? nationalists? Or would you call them fucking racist? (pause for awkward silence) Yeah. That’s kind of what I thought. Now, until gay marriage knocks down your door and shits on your carpet, shut the fuck up and keep your opinion out of other people’s lives.
The Council Member then cautions Paul to be patient with people that don’t understand their cause because they need people like that on their side. Ya know what would be great? Not having to worry about other people getting to vote on your rights. Let me know when I get to vote as to whether or not straight people can kiss in public because it makes me feel icky and I have my own personal religion against it.
Alright… that’s my rant. I take back everything I said earlier about talking about politics. Let’s get back to talking shit about Mic before I give up on this show altogether.
Later on (who knows when), Stacie, Erica and Mary get together for dinner. And talk about gay rights. Oh FML. Stacie then says that her church is against it and that’s why she is. But she’s “all for equal rights”. How can someone so smart be so fucking stupid? Lynda adds (in a randomly placed interview) that as Christians their number one priority should be not judging people. AMEN girl! When can I go to a sermon at the Church of Lynda?! (You know Ichiban would be the cutest altar boy.) She then finishes (in regards to Stace’s argument) with…
“ENOUGH! That’s just enough.” OMG. She needs to be a congresswoman. I’d love to see her tell the rest of the House to shut the fuck up. LYNDA 2010!!!
Paul and Lynda then have drinks and dish on the others while the others dish on the others that dish on them and Cat is at home feeding live mice to her kids. Make sense? Just another night in DC!
Paul and Lynda said Cat has just been a “little off” while Stacie says she would’ve told Erica “to kiss my ass” for striking out at her. They keep darting back and forth between these two dinners and I’m almost sure they’re doing it to spite me.
The server arrives with the chardonnay-shooting fire hose just in time.
So everyone’s talking about Cat – her cat-like behavior, her relationship with her husband, her eerie children, her lack of friends – but what’s Cat gotta say about all this?! Stay tuned…
First we check in on Mic and her bestie/slave Jen! She tells Jen that cheering makes her feel like she’s 20 again!
If by 20 you mean you look like beef that’s been dry-aged for 20 years – then yes. 20.
Mic then says she’s jealous of the bodies of the younger cheerleaders and wants to get plastic surgery done to look like them. BITCH. I am DRAWING THE LINE! If for one second you think ANY of us believe you HAVEN’T already had work done – YOU ARE OUT OF YOUR DAFT MIND!!!
Moving on to more important matters, the Salamis discuss their legal matters with a Virginia State Delegate who’s helped them in the past and is one of their besties apparently.
Hello Dave. I just wanted to freeze-frame the exact moment you lost the support of every constituent of yours that watches this show – or reads the internet. Best of luck during the midterm elections! (PS – I heard Mary might need another maid now that Lolly’s back.)
The Salamis keep talking about the Oasis and how it’s in what sounds like “Fucker County”. They say “Fucker County” like 8 times and I couldn’t stop laughing. So appropriate.
She’s the winner!
Mic’s defense is that Oasis has made so many people happy all around the world so it should be helped to stay open! WTF?! I don’t know if she thinks Oasis is like Disneyland or a fucking children’s hospital but she is truly out of her mind.
We then see Mary at home with Lolly as they discuss gay marriage. Mary says she wants to take back that she said gay marriage doesn’t affect her. Lolly agrees and says that most of her friends are gay. Lolly’s a HAG?!?! Awww DAMMIT. By several gay laws I’m suppose to now take back everything I’ve ever said about Lolly and support her through and through.
Lolly then adds that gay people should have equal rights and are awesome. No…Lolly…you…are…awesome… and…I…think…living…at…home…is….is…soooo…cool. Motherfucker I literally just had an aneurism.
Mary then refers to the constitution and says that people, “have…certain…ummm….” Lolly then helps her through it as Mary totally gets wine-fucked in her brain pieces. She finishes off with “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness!” Awww thanks Mary! Now if that was actually in the Constitution and not the Declaration of Independence, I’d give ya some credit! HOWEVER, you get a “W” for “Way to go!” an “I” for “I’m proud of you!” an “N” for “Never put your glass down!” and an “E” for “Effort!” What’s that spell? What’s that spell?!? Oh for fuck’s sake where’s Mic when you need her?!
Finally we’re back to Cat and she’s having drinkies with her main gay Jason. Jason says he and Ted (salon owner, husband) would love to adopt a kid at some point…
“TO FEAST UPON DURING A FULL MOON!!!”
I kid, I kid. I’m sure they’ll be great gay Dads. Ted can teach them about hair and Jason can… teach them how to wax?
Cat vents that she hates where she lives and she hates all the “bloody filthy desperate housewives”! CAREFUL CAT!!! You’ll get us all killed!
“DESTROY CAT!!! FIND HER CHILDREN!!! DRINK THEIR BLOOD!! PAY US MORE!! RAWR!!!”
Cat says all she ever sees is people walking their dogs with bags of poo in their hands. Well what else are they suppose to do with it?! Gross. I can’t imagine what your precious London looks like!
Oh dear God I’m gonna be sick.
They then talk about the Salamis and how Jason learned not to attend an event with them – or without an invitation. Looks like he star-fucked his way up the wrong tree.
Speaking of, the Salamis head over to meet with a writer so that they can write their tell-all book. This poor bastard has no idea what he’s getting into. I hope he’s getting paid cash at the end of every work day. Although he likes their title of “War, Wine and Roses” so he’s getting what he deserves I guess.
Mic says she can’t believe the life she leads – like meeting Pres. Obama (*cough* BULLSHIT). And also mentions that they’ve known Matt awhile. OH! Well then – he definitely made his own bed to sleep in.
The Salami wants to talk about money, even though Mic says is “very inappropriate” (ESP if it has to do with her PAYING money) and tells Jason he wants a good “producer” AKA “someone to pay us lots of money so we can squander it on trashy limos and our 1.3 million dollar tab at the Four Seasons”.
Mic is worried that the book means she’ll have to put her thoughts into words on paper but Matt, the writer, assures that she will in no way have to use her 4 remaining brain cells…
“VICTORY IS… IS….”
“Shoot what’s the word? Is…. OH!”
Matt then tells the Salamis that he wants to write the book from his point of view as well. That goes over like a Salahi loan application and they both work him down to a 85% their vs. 15% his story. Which is fine, it doesn’t take 15% to write “The following stories are fabricated and total bullshit. You may want to check for your wallet after you finish reading this.” at the beginning.
The Salamis then tell Jason how they’d like to tell their story. It’s hysterical to see them talk about how this book is going to paint everything in a better light AS they’re taping a reality show that’s going to paint them in an AWFUL light. The Salami even says there may be bumps in the road that they can’t forsee. I can name one…
Bon Voyage “Wine, War & Roses”! Hello “The Real Salamis”!
And that’s it!!! What did everyone think?! I feel like a lot happened in this episode but mostly because my fingers are bleeding and my eyes are burning. That could just be because I spent too long making Cat’s devil child. I need a fucking DC-style Whiskey Coke. What about the rest?! Likes? Loves?! OBSESSIONS? Agree with me?! Think I’m an asshole? I’ll admit to it. I once read in a great self help book that it’s the first step. Come on kids and DISH IT!!!