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Welcome back one final time everyone! This is it. The moment we’ve all wasted countless hours for – the bing bang. The Real Housewives of DC Finale! My big bang theory is that the lights go out, we hear fists being thrown, gun shots, screams, complete terror – then silence – the lights come up – and there, sitting in the center of all the bloodshed is…
Mother Fuckin’ Ichiban… in the Historical Society… with the candlestick!
We join everyone while Lynda is conceding to let The Salami come out on his own as long as Ebong is waiting in the wings – ready to leap to her defense and pound The Salami!
Right after he finishes that sandwich. Damn it Ebong!
The Salami steps forward from the shadows and takes a seat on the counch…
While, I swear to God, Lynda tries to use her Jedi mindtricks (her 6th religion if anyone’s counting) to tear him apart. Look at those eyes!
The Salami says it’s a disgrace that the ladies are saying Mic doesn’t really have MS and that Lynda’s OBSESSED with Mic!
He’s totally just trying to plug her new album.
The Salami says that Mic told him about the MS when they got married and that he wished he could’ve absorbed the MS into his body. Yikes. That’s like the world’s worst super-power to wish for. Although I think that’s the power most prostitutes seem to have. That’s why they’re my heros.
We then get treated to a montage of the Salamis over the course of the show: Paul’s party, Oasis, livin’ large – all the BS before the White House basically. Ms. Andy starts off with asking them about how they skirted the bill for Paul’s party. Mic said she was one of 4 “hosts” and that they SWEAR they donated Oasis wine. Ms. Andy fires back that the event venue says they never got any wine. The Salamis insist they sent it and Ms. Andy, along with the rest of the ladies, look like they just wanna throw their hands up in the air and leave. Funny thing about compulsive liars – there’s no use arguing with them because they’re ALWAYS gonna lie and make shit up and they’ll NEVER admit to it. Shame on us for looking for rationality and honesty out of these two.
Then Ms. Andy asks them about their line of credit and why they never proved their “millions” to Stacie during the house search. The Salami says that Stacie never emailed them to ask them about a line of credit.
This is the look one might get right before they black out and don’t remember a thing.
Stacie points out that she verbally asked them for a line of credit (as we all saw) and The Salamis counter with “well the truth is that we already had another real estate agent working for us”. From what little of the real estate process I do know about – I know that would be a DICK move even if it were true. But I’m happy to see The Salami trying to be the lesser-of-two-dicks.
Stacie flat out says they couldn’t afford it and then asks if they actually OWN a house of their own. The Salamis stutter on about Oasis and a “farm house” that no one knows about. $10 says someone living outside of DC that owns a farm house just saw this and said to their husband “Honey… aren’t those the two people you caught living in our barn last week?”
Then the house that they first filmed in gets brought up – the big giant mansion where we first met “Sparkle” (personally I liked “Sparkles” better but so be it – the poor thing’s probably already been sold to a glue factory for cash). Mic says “Oh it’s still there” like Ms. Andy asked if it fell into a black hole instead of “DO YOU OWN IT ANYMORE?” Everyone else chimes in that the house was borrowed and Mic just replies “Oh well whatever you want to believe!” Has anyone noticed that’s her “go-to” phrase when she gets caught? SUCH BULLSHIT!
The next “go-to”? Throw random shit out there for deflection. Mic blurts out, “Oh yeah – well CAT’S been living in Lynda’s basement!” To which Lynda flatly responds, “I DON’T HAVE A BASEMENT.” Awesome!!! She then throws in “It sounds like you have evil in your heart! BWAH! I love that whole couch right now. They’re totally the lovable Witches of Eastwick.
Ms. Andy then adds fuel to the fire by noting how much the Salamis owe to other companies as well as the fact that Oasis is bankrupt. Lynda makes an excellent point that they shouldn’t be buying expensive jewelry when they can’t even pay small vendors back. The Salami, greasy as ever, says that they can’t pay those vendors because they filed for bankruptcy. So it’s basically against the law for them to be decent human beings. I never thought anyone could come to that conclusion – but there you have it. According to The Salami, the law of the land is making him a douchebag.
Ms. Andy decides to settle things thus far by saying the Salamis have to see the dichotomy between the life they lead and the life they portray. They never will Ms. Andy! They both just blankly look at him like “Did he just offer his “dick to me“?”
The Salamis just come back with more BS about the struggle of the wine industry and that he’s glad Bravo got it all on tape. Meanwhile the other three ladies cackle away. Lynda actually snorts at one point. Love it. Sheeeeee’s BAAAAAACON! Anyways, Ms. Andy throws the towel in on this point and throws to commercial. He might very well quit his job tonight.
We’re back from commercial and now all the boys have come out to play: Rich, Ebong and Jason! Just in time for the montage of when the Salamis accused Lollie of grand theft auto, etc! “EEEEEVERYBODY’S GOING TO JAIL!” Ms. Andy brings out a printout of Lollie’s Facebook comment that started off all the accusations and shows how it didn’t really say anything. From my point of view, she could have known about what happened but it certainly doesn’t prove that she had anything to do with it. Rich then confronts The Salami and asks for an apology and The Salami just crap-speaks about “Mr. Merlot” and “Mr. Cabernet” having an effect on him. Unless those are two actual guys that threatened to murder him unless he made an ass out of himself – NO DICE.
They all try to guilt an apology out of The Salami but it never happens because those two will NEVER show remorse or take responsibility for their actions. At this point I can see them blowing Ms. Andy’s brains out and then saying, “It’s not our fault guns are so easy to shoot.”
Now on to another argument-that-will-never-be-settled! The Black Caucus Dinner! Let me guess – now keep in mind I’ve never watched this – Ms. Andy is going to ask if they were ever invited or why they brought extra people when they shouldn’t have. The Salamis are then going to weave a web of lies saying that it was a misunderstanding, they all got in, had a great time and were never asked to leave. Survey says?!
I’m partially right! Why only partially?! Because The Salami gives a WORSE response than I had imagined! He flat out calls Jason a LIAR!!! Oh wait – not just Jason – he calls THE DIRECTOR OF COMMUNICATIONS FOR THE BLACK CAUCUS A LIAR TOO! Apparently the government has taken time off from fighting terrorists and dealing with a tanking economy in order to… hurt the social status of the Salamis. Makes sense.
I can’t even describe the amount of excuses and lies they come out with. Let’s just go with more than one and less than the amount of times recapping this shit has made me want to cut myself.
Cat puts it best…
“You never have any real answers and you never tell the f**king truth.” This sums up the entire season of this show.
Oh but wait! Lynda tops it off with a perfect analogy – our favorite!
Poor Ebong. He’s the calm in the center of a shit storm.
The Salami finishes the argument by saying that Jason’s definitely a liar, so is everyone else and he’s Captain Awesome. And by “finishes the argument” I mean everyone else just gives up because it’s becoming clearer that they’ll never ever give in.
But there’s just one more round to cover at this Goat Rodeo folks – one more goat to mount – THE STATE DINNER AT THE WHITE HOUSE SCANDAL! First we get to watch a whole “Salamis on the Path to the White House” montage. My favorite part is when the White House girl asked them to stand off to the side and wait to get checked out before going. That girl turned her back and the Salamis left a little *POOF!* cloud where they once were.
Ms. Andy starts out by asking the Salamis if they ever had a physical invitation and they immediately start bullshitting, saying it was a verbal invite, then an email invite and that it was a misunderstanding on the White House side. I LOVE that Mary just laughs and yells out “SPIN DOCTORS!!!” She’s truly enjoying this roast – as she should.
Ms. Andy then reviews the facts and points out that although a White House contact was TRYING to get the Salamis into the receiving line, they never had a concrete invitation. But like a rat, they only needed the smallest of holes to squeeze through. So once they did get in, why did they not stay for dinner?
Soup. It was because of soup. Clearly this whole thing is the chef’s fault now. At this point Ms. Andy must be thinking about making her head explode.
And yet it’s Cat who throws her arms up in the air and storms off. She says they’re not getting any answers and BTW she also came out with a great acronym for the Salamis: “NFI” = “NOT FUCKING INVITED”. Thanks to editing she comes right back though. It looked like she just “cool lapped” around the cameras. Maybe she had a quick shot of True Blood and she’s ready to rumble once again.
Mic then says she left because she wasn’t feeling well – to which Cat fires back “But you felt fine enough to post photos at 1:30am!” LOVE HER! She should knock Ms. Andy outta the chair, rip up his question cards and do the interview herself. Although it would probably consist of her force feeding Mic the question cards – literally.
Ms. Andy then states that after that night, Michelle Jones (their White House liaison who is most likely bagging groceries now) confirmed that they were never invited to anything. But the Salamis insist that they were. Mic says that if they weren’t invited they should’ve been turned away and “not put through this”. This is literally like someone showing up to your house, sneaking in, complaining about the food, leaving and then the next day calling to complain that you didn’t ask them to leave. I feel like this episode should’ve aired on Columbus Day.
Ms. Andy then confirms that the Salamis have neither been charged or cleared in the on-going investigation. WHO THE FUCK is in charge of this investigation?!!
Well that makes sense.
Cat then talks about how she was uninvited to the White House Christmas Party because of the Salamis and Mic says it was probably because Cat talked shit about Obama. Which is OBVIOUSLY not true since that episode didn’t air until 6 months after party. Then she says it was probably Cat’s husband who uninvited her. OMG. Mic must seriously have a sharp shooter ready to take out Cat when she lunges for Mic’s throat. I honestly think she’s just trying to get someone to throw a punch at this point. They probably already have the lawsuit written out and ready to go.
The Salamis go on to say that Congress was mostly upset that this was done for publicity, NOT because they actually crashed the party. Ms. Andy is getting to the end of his rope and calls BS while Cat’s yelling in the background that this interview’s like “Chinese torture!!!” I totally agree. I think everyone would get more out of banging their head against a wall. And by “their” I mean the Salami’s.
Ms. Andy calls Stacie out for using the word “Salahism” on her blog to mean “self-centeredness and narcissism”. The look on the Salamis’ faces is awesome.
You know they’re thinking… “Bitch you now owe us $58.98 for the wine you drank at Oasis AND reimbursement for our London tickets. Luckily for you we paid coach but snuck into first class.”
Stacie then tells it like it is with the Salamis and calls them “delusional” while Mic shows us all exactly how she gets through all of this…
BLINDERS! She just yells and throws up blinders. You know who’s influence I blame for this?
Mother Fuckin’ Sparkle (RIP, 2007-2010 Acme Glue Factory)
Ms. Andy saves the best for last and brings up an incident never discussed before. We’ll call it “Scotch-Gate”. Apparently while on the publicity tour in LA, they were all at a dinner where the Salami threw a glass of wine at Lynda, Lynda says she threw water back at him because she’d never waste a glass of scotch. AND THAT LADIES AND GENTLEMEN…
Is why Lynda will always hold my scotch-filled heart in her clutches.
She says it was at that point that she realized the Salamis are both “habitual violators—” and then Bravo TOTALLY CUTS OFF what she was going to say next!!! UGH! WHY?! I feel like they should put the whole rant online. Unless it was because Lynda became so enraged the only thing that was on the film was a bright white light and a pitch only dogs can hear. We’d have to get Ichiban to translate.
The Salami then pretty much says it’s because Lynda is mean to Mic and Mic has MS. It’s completely obvious that he’s lying. Best part is that it comes out that he shoved Mic in the process of throwing the wine. I guess Lynda should be grateful that they weren’t at Oasis when this shit went down. The Salamis have probably filled those wine bottles with cow piss for the last 5 years.
Things get really heated here. Ebong tells The Salami he would’ve leveled him if he was there (there’s still time!) and the Salami says he was only protecting Mic (wine is apparently his weapon of choice).
Mic then offers for everyone to pull on each arm until she splits in two to reveal the demon living inside her.
I kid, I kid. Wishful thinking. Instead she stops everyone from yelling so that The Salami can APOLOGIZE!!! HOLY SHIT!!! RED LETTER DAY!!! And then HE DOES!!! Wow!!! They’re totally turning a new leaf!
Well so much for that new leaf.
Lynda goes apeshit and tells Mic she’s lucky to breath the same air as her (no really – lol – she said that) and that The Salami has Mic shackled in his basement. She totally missed OUT!!! Lynda should’ve added, “Although HE doesn’t have a basement either – or a first floor – or a second floor – or a FUCKING HOUSE!!!!”
We reach the final segment and Ms. Andy asks the girls if they’d do this all over again. Lynda said it’s blown but she’s glad she did it for her charities (which she advertised well) and Mary said the show was hijacked, her kids got involved but she’s glad she did it for her charity (which she then mentions for the first time (I think) all season – ouch). Cat says it was mildly worth it and is excited to tell her side in her book. Ms. Andy asks her about kissing Prince Harry and her response is “Read the book”. WHAT THE WHAT?! She made out with Price Harry?! And then Ms. Andy says he loves a “Gingy” too! (AKA Ginger, AKA Red Head, AKA I just wet myself in fear).
Mic said that she’s glad she did it, regardless of what happened and that she really connected with the crew. I SOOOO wanted them to pan around to the crew while they were all standing there shaking their heads saying, “Bitch is CRAZY.”
Mic adds that she’s excited that “Salahi” is now an official verb for “to crash”. I don’t know if I ever officially have said this or not – but for the record – SHE’S A FUCKING MORON.
Stacie then adds that it’s been “fun” even getting to know Mic. Yeah… fun like a fucking hammer to the head.
And that… my friends… IS THE END!!! DONE!!! We made it! Thanks for sticking around and reading my recaps. It’s been a comic, tragic and dramatic season both on the show and funnily enough, on the recaps. And I’ve enjoyed every minute of this goat rodeo thanks to you all! Keep an eye out for my future recaps (I’m actually filling in for Flipit on RHOBH this week!) and take care! And one last time… let me hear y’all DISH IT!!!