***Twunty has had to leave us for awhile to take care of some “real life” stuff, but we didn’t want to leave you in the dark. Thankfully, we have our ever fabulous Leia LaBiblia to step in and take the reigns for the remainder of the season. Thanks, Leia and take care Twunt. We love ya babe.
Hola Mis Hijos—
It’s Leia LaBiblia! The first thing your father Flipit and I want you to know is that no one is trying to replace your mommy Twunty McSlore. Mommy has moved out but she’s still going to be in your lives. I promise! What’s that? No, it’s not because you did anything wrong! Don’t be silly. Yes, Mommy still loves you. I’m just here to help Daddy take care of you. What’s that? Of course I know I’m not the boss of you. Just eat your dinner, mi amor. They’re called plantains. Yes, they’re very good for you. What did you say? No, no, no– I’m not sleeping in Daddy’s room. I’ll be staying in the guest room. No, not that one. The one NEXT to Daddy’s room. Just because. No, honey, I’m not still in high school. Aren’t you sweet. Help you with your Spanish homework? I’d love to! And about that school trip you wanted to go on this weekend? Daddy and I had a little talk and he changed his mind and signed the permission slip. De nada, querido! Yes, I think we’re going to all get along very nicely, too! Who wants flan???
After last week’s snoozefest, our Jersey jezebels are back with a real jaw-dropper that ranks as one of the most deliciously daffy of the entire series. How’s this for psychic synergy?! As I was watching it last night at 4 AM, I actually wished I had a Twitter account so I could share some of my awe, disgust and extreme pleasure with SOMEONE who cared. Then this morning, sandwiched between the usual fabulous party Evites and horny mash-notes, was an e-mail from Flipit asking if I’d mind subbing for Twunty on this very show. So here we are. For those of you who don’t know me, I’m half-Mex, half-Rican and all-bitch and I will be commenting on religion, ethnicity, children’s looks and quite possibly some of you, Gasmii. So don’t say I didn’t warn you! Grab a chicken parm, a goblet of Coke with a splash of red wine, and let’s recap this fukka!
PREVIOUSLY ON: Much-missed dead-eyed ballbuster Dina agreed to god-parent Joe & Teresa‘s latest hellspawn, the hilariously named Audriana. [Teresa has native Italian speakers (i.e. her parents) imprisoned in the basement of her hideous mansion, so I'd blame the newborn's retarded nomenclature on Teresa reading the VC Andrews incest-fest My Sweet Audrina at the beach during the 80's. Except that would involve reading. So maybe she's just a big fan of Audrey Junior in Little Shop of Horrors. Which, when you think about it, is one role that fugnacious wanna-be tot starlet Gia could actually get!]
Joe tells Chris Laurita that even though the money isn’t “flowin like it used ta”, it’s “me’n Treesa’s 10th anniversary”. Despite their recent $11 million bankruptcy, Joe knows the hairy beast must be appeased, so instead of offering her Fay Wray lashed to a sacrificial altar, he takes Tree to Jersey City‘s swankiest hotel suite and puts a giant yellow diamond ring in the middle of a perfectly good chocolate dessert.
“Uh-oh, Joe! One of dem what-you-cawl tranny pastry chefs dropped its costume jool-a-ry in da fuggin dee-zert! Don’t dey know you doan like no gays touchin ya food?!”
Danielle‘s gorgeous, sweet, aspiring model daughter Christine has a Sweet 16 party for 300 of her closest pals and decides to donate all the gifts to charity. Danielle bullies 11-year-old aspiring singer-songwriter daughter Jillian into performing an original pop tune at the shindig. Kim G attends as Danielle’s BFF, a role which doesn’t sit well with the Manzo-Laurita clan, who want everyone to despise Danielle as much as they do. Danielle of course has no idea that Kim G enjoys hanging with Jacqueline.
So here we go:
The Brownstone. Teresa and Joe discuss Audriana’s upcoming christening party with Christopher Manzo. Teresa says it’s going to be the size of a “mini-wedding” and demands the finest high-end accoutrements like an ice-sculpture cross. She says Joe is nervous about the price-tag. No shit. Chris looks a little nervous, too, and he hasn’t even tried to run the credit card yet.
Teresa says godmother Dina will be in charge of the decor, then interviews that “it really upsets” her that Danielle is responsible for Dina’s absence in their constantly taped lives. Teresa dictates her demands to Chris– cocktail hour, sit-down dinner, “totally ovuh the top”– as Joe squirms in silence in the next chair, clearly relishing the anti-stress BJ he’ll be getting later. At the gym, if the steam-room happens to be empty. Caroline interviews that “Teresa is a tough cookie” who “wants what she wants when she wants it”. And who cares how much it costs? Nothing’s too good for her little future fatsos-and/or-floozies, the Giudice Goils. [Coming to Bravo in Fall 2024.] Chris feels the first drops of sweat start to trickle down his butt-crack.
“At dis point, AIDS would be sweet, sweet relief.”
Wayne Medical Center. Danielle takes Christine for her first OB/GYN appointment. And of course it’s with a man. Poor Christine. The mortified teen beauty desperately tries to hide inside a magazine (and is almost thin enough to do it) while Danielle, who resembles Daffy Duck in drag, peppers her with inappropriate questions in the mercifully empty waiting room: “Look at me and tell me you’re a good girl. Are there any boys I need to be concerned about?” “No comment,” Christine says, fueling the fire. “Under the 5th Amendment, I have the right to withhold speech.” Back off, Gasmii, she’s an aspiring teen model, not Elena Kagan.
Danielle explains via interview that she “never had a mom to relate to” or anyone to talk to her “about sex”. “It’s scary stuff,” Danielle wants us to know: “It’s too late once you have something,” Danielle warns, referring presumably to both chlamydia and fetuses. Despite the Receptionist‘s repulsed reactions (thank you, editors!) Danielle won’t shut up, needling Christine about hypothetical boyfriends, begging for the girl to assure Danielle that she’s “a goody two-shoes”. Christine tells Danielle to stop “creeping” (LOL), which is obviously like friending and which Danielle can’t stop, no matter what, ever.
Once more, Danielle takes a basically positive parenting thing, this time sex education, and perverts it into something nightmarish. What could be more humiliating for a girl than a camera crew accompanying you to the fucking gyno?!! Dios mio, Gasmii! I’m from Puerto Rico, where they don’t have gynecologists, they have priests. But I can only shudder to imagine myself as a dewy teen model getting my cervix explained to me in the stirrups by some salivating old man in a lab coat while my mother looks on.
“Wait… did she just ask me if I’m still a BUTT-VIRGIN?!?”
Danielle tells us that “the only way to have safe sex is abstinence”. Finally it’s time to meet Dr Domnitz, the man responsible for the care of feeding of Danielle’s vagina, which, if her face and boobs are any indication, must be a real treat. He quickly informs Christine that an exam won’t be necessary today, but she doesn’t seem too relieved, muttering “These conversations are a blast” when the doctor says that at some point in her life, possibly “beyond college”, which as an ex-teen model I can assure YOU is funny in so many ways, she’s going to “be considering sexual activity.” Doc opines that this is probably even more awkward for Danielle, which seems doubtful in light of the CAMERA CREW the bitch invited along!
The main topic today is HPV– human papilloma virus, or to be frank, genital warts. As poor Christine (a phrase I might wanna macro) writhes in agony, Doc says it’s not a matter of IF Christine will be exposed to the pesky thing, it’s WHEN. And not only is it everywhere, there’s no symptoms, no burning, no itching, no dripping sores, nada. That is of course until a big ugly wart sprouts from your teen model labia, anus or pubic mound. And once you factor in the glamorous world of modeling, take whatever statistical chances you’re dealing with and multiply them by, like, 300.
“Don’t have sex,” Danielle says, helpful and healthy as always. “It’s so gross, now that I think about it.” Why think about it? Just refer back to that public sex tape of yours we’re all so familiar with. Danielle then interviews that she’s not worried about Christine having to face “temptations” in her “great life”. Right. Because the fashion industry is such a wholesome garden of self-affirmation. If, as a fledgling teen model, I’d had a mother like this, I would have medicated myself with every hard cock from Milano to Melbourne.
“And I really hate how it smells like mushroom soup!”
It just gets better. “Oral sex? Can I just touch on that for a minute?” Danielle hilariously chimes in. Can you get HPV that way? Oh, yes, indeedy. Doc: That’s why it’s so important to be vaccinated for anyone who’s dating. Christine pats Danielle on the back. “I don’t date!” Danielle hilariously insists. “You should try [the vaccine] anyway,” Christine deadpans. I heart Christine. Danielle pleads with her– can Christine please just tell Danielle she’s not going to have sex– why would she “want to” after this conversation? “Mom,” Christine says, promising jack-shit.
Kim G’s McMansion. Christopher and BFF John G hang out in Kim G’s purple pool table room. John G says he has a 3.6 GPA this semester. Instead of going to college, Chris has been busy working full-time at The Brownstone and with his stripper car-wash research and development. Yoo-hoo! It’s Kim G, who’s vying harder to become an official Housewife than anyone since Slade. Sadly, she’s much less easy on the eyes, at least front-ways. I could easily imagine horny young guidos, catching a glimpse of bejeweled pink sweater, black leggings, heels and blonde ‘do from the back, hooting at her to sit on their face. Until she turns around and they realize the brow-lifted awful truth.
Kim comes bearing freshly popped corn and a hug for Chris. She gets right down to business– as her son rolls his eyes, Kim tells Chris that she ran into Caroline at one of Teresa’s countless lavish parties and tried to “break” Caroline to get Mama Manzo to accept Kim as a friend. Cuddly Chris interviews that he doesn’t “see that could possibly happen”, since Kim is pals with Danielle. “I feel bad for ME,” Kim whines to Chris, confessing that it’s “awkward” since “I’m in the middle.” Kim lays it on the line– how can she get Caroline to go to lunch with her? “You wanna date?” Chris jokes nervously. Yes, that’s exactly what Kim wants, encouraging Johnny to tell Chris “I’m not that bad”, continuing this episode’s mini-theme of self-absorbed moms mortifying their offspring. Chris is forced into agreeing to help Kim cozy up to Caroline, suggesting that he and Johnny go to lunch with their moms. “That’d be fun!” Kim says, ominously adding “You better come through.” Kim exits as Chris looks queasy and Johnny looks like he wants to ram his pool cue as payback right up Chris’s cute little Mama-whipped butthole. Yum!
“THERE’S ONLY ONE THING WRONG WITH THE GIUDICE BABY… IT’S ALIVE!”
Villa Foreclosa (Teresa’s House). It’s time to play dress-up with Teresa’s bevy of brats: talent-free starlet Gia, 9; Feral Lemur Girl Milania, 4 (my personal favorite because she’s the worst behaved, weirdest-looking, and named after a Trump); newborn Audriana; and The Pretty One aka Gabriella, 5. Joe sulks topless in the kitchen, “a bit grumpy” because he’s now working “long hours at the pizzeria“, quite a comedown from his previous gig as a cash-only construction kingpin. If my wife spent what Teresa did on glitz-pageant kiddie gowns and accessories, I’d be grumpy, too. Gia wants to wear her “silver Juicy Couture one”. She better hope Juicy Couture makes pizza aprons, because Albert Manzo ain’t about to let Joe stiff him for the bill for this bash.
“I swear ta god I’m gonna kick your ass! Why you gotta put this shit on me?!” Joe squawks when Teresa slathers his puss with moisturizer. “Rub it in,” Teresa advises. That’s what the last guy in the steam room said. Teresa tells us that for all her daughters’ christenings, she always hires a photographer AND a videographer. “It’s all for my memories,” she says. It’ll also be great evidence for the state at “Joe and I’s” next bankruptcy hearing!
Dina drives up in her black Mercedes. Having “the honor” of guiding Audriana “spiritually and religiously” is “so special” she interviews with the exact same delivery she might use to tell us about an outpatient cyst removal. Dina’s brought a gift for the baby, “her first pair of Gucci shoes!” Teresa squeals. It’s never too early to instill those spiritual values. Teresa tries to get Joe excited about this. “He doesn’t give a shit,” Dina says. I miss Dina. “Treat her good, yeah, nice,” Joe grunts.
A thousand lira for your thoughts…
Time to swaddle Tawdriana in her christening drag! “In Italian culture, the godmother has to completely dress the baby,” Teresa lectures us. “Like, take everything she has off and completely dress her from head to toe.” Teresa whips out a five-foot baby wedding gown and asks Tawdri if she likes it. The baby appears to nod, to the great amusement of the assembled crowd. Why are there 40 people at their house before they even hit the church?! Seriously, the Tudors had less of an entourage. They lay the baby on Teresa’s tear-stained bed and T anoints her with some handy holy water. Stand back, it might start sizzling while the baby gets red-eyed and growls profanity.
And possibly all of New Jersey’s…
This is all bringing back repressed memories of my own christening. Luckily MY godmother was a flaming cha-cha queen named Pablo who not only dressed me from head to toe, he applied a full face of make-up. I’ll post the photos on Facebook. Teresa slaps a huge white bonnet on the kid. “Tawdriana, you look so beauty-full!” Teresa coos. Guess who still doesn’t give a shit? Joe is forced to pose for photos, but tells Teresa to “Hurry up, I got something up my nose.” Yeah, poppers.
The Giudices drive to the church, passing “The $5 Shoe Factory“, which Joe suggests Teresa start shopping at. “Before you never knew how much I used to pay for parties,” Teresa gripes. “I used to just write the checks.” Now you don’t have the checkbook no more, Joe says, before telling her to keep the photos to a minimum. “Two pictures I’m taking, then I’m like King Kong. I just start goin crazy.” Okay, that was kind of funny.
Kim G’s McMansion. Danielle interviews that “my relationship with Kim G is very special to me. We have a very close connection, her and I.” That’s great, because everyone else who can stand you is on parole. Danielle arrives for a very special, very close chat and opens the conversation by asking to borrow Kim G’s belt. Isn’t it nice having girlfriends the same size as you are? “I like it. A lot,” Kim G chortles. “Almost as much as I like YOU,” Danielle says. I think my Appalachian Speedball (Xanax and Diet Mountain Dew) is about to come up all over the keyboard. As Kim G goes to fetch Danielle some water in a vain effort to hydrate the plastic husk that is Our Dani, Dani informs us that “Kim G is a very well-respected, very wealthy” lady, and Danielle hopes Kim can help her out with something, being “my dearest friend” and all. SPOILER ALERT: If you think the editors are winding Danielle up for a massive, hilarious fall, you’re as bright and sexy as I think you are, Gasmii!
Danielle recounts to Kim what “a great unexpected welcome surprise” this friendship is– they started out “great”, “got rocky”, “worked our way through that” and “now we’re great again”, Kim finishes. Danielle then mentions a recent conversation with her adopted mother, who “did her very best” but was unable to “protect me from a lot of abuse that went on in my life”. Danielle reveals that her biological mom gave birth to her at 15 and Danielle has been “getting a lot of signs that I should maybe seriously try to look for her.” Danielle neglects to mention where these signs are coming from, but my best guesses involve psychics and transmissions from another galaxy.
“OK, so the math ain’t exactly flattering, but if I claim to be this wack-job’s birth mom, maybe then they’ll put me in the opening credits…”
Kim– and the producers– think this is a winning idea. Find her, get some closure, build a season finale around it. “I just want to smell her. I just want to smell my mom,” Danielle emotionally tells Kim, setting up so many jokes from your Recap Artist I don’t know where to begin. “Oh, boy,” Kim says, surely wondering if any amount of reality TV fame is worth wildly uncomfortable moments like this. As they wipe away tears, Kim says she has “someone that can help you out”. Kim would do that for Danielle? Of course– I love you, Kim says, giving the messed-up bag o’needy a hug. Danielle interviews that hearing this “made me feel good… and I love her right back!”
Having no concept of quitting while you’re ahead, Danielle spikes the Creeping Meter by wishing aloud to Kim that in their next life, one of them will be born a man. So they can get married and fuck. Charming!
Our Lady of Perpetual Menstruation Cathedral. Okay, so that’s not the name of the church. I’m already going to hell, and if you’ve read this far, so are you. The Giudices and the Manzo-Lauritas arrive for the big Catholic splash-down. Caroline interviews that she loves to see children get baptized. Who doesn’t? And Tawdriana looks just like “a little porcelain doll”. Like a really top-drawer Franklin Mint piece with the firing number 666. The priest, whose face is blurred because he either didn’t sign a release or is wanted in nine states for lewd acts with a minor, tells Joe and Teresa to lose the bonnet so he can dump the Blessed Poland Spring on Tawdri’s sweet little head. They grow up so fast, don’t they, Gasmii? Soon she’ll be 3 years old and getting shampooed at some tacky salon while her sisters run amuck, terrorizing innocent gays during one of Teresa’s mother-daughter spa days. Dina deadpans that Tawdri is “a very special little girl” while the Pope‘s latest conquest sucks contentedly on a diamond-encrusted pacifier.
The Brownstone. It’s party time! I wish these Housewife series still showed us what every stupid, obscenely expensive thing cost, because it’d be fun to imagine Joe watching this at the gym and then freaking out and trying to blow an underage boy like in Last Exit to Brooklyn (Netflix it, it’s amazing). We have mounds of shrimp, a burger station, and some poor bitch dressed as Marie Antoinette with a sushi bar built into her hoop skirt. “It’s more than you’d expect at a christening,” Jacqueline interviews with polite amazement. “It’s very Teresa-like.” I believe that’s a synonym for Trumpy. If only Teresa had met The Donald during her celebrated, pre-Housewife career as “a contributor to Vogue magazine”. And had a different face.
One more tuna joke and somebody’s gonna be eating that fan.
Caroline laments that Christopher missed the church ceremony (I’m sure he’s super-disappointed), but Chris says he was busy at The Brownstone putting on “this circus”. Or as Teresa interviews, “Christopher Manzo was my bitch for the night”. Everyone agrees that he did an “incredible job”. The giant ice-sculpture cross certainly speaks for itself. There’s even a round artisan bread loaf with letters that say “God Bless Tawdriana” rising up like “Help Me” on Regan‘s stomach in The Exorcist.
As the creative force behind the decor, Dina points out that “the trim on the cake is the same trim” on Tawdri’s gown. Thank God. Babies hate it when they clash with the cake. Teresa interviews that she loves being together with Caroline, Dina and Jacqueline. Meaning “Before Danielle ruined everything.”
Teresa tells us she and Joe like to have a “first dance” with all of her daughters at their christening parties. Because god forbid the attention stays off YOU for five fucking minutes. Caroline admits that she initially found the sight of Teresa and Joe– who look strange enough together already– with an infant wrapped in a wedding veil swaying across the dance floor between them rather bizarre, but now she thinks it’s “very touching”. Just make sure that dance isn’t The Washing Machine if you want to avoid some serious shaking damage. Come to think of it, maybe that’s what happened to Milania.
Todd Solondz, meet your next movie.
Jacqueline appears to be sneezing into her napkin during the dance, but she interviews that she was instead “losing it” thinking about “how quick the babies grow– I pictured Ashley that little and already she’s 19…” And up on assault charges. Time really does fly. “Tawdriana is the luckiest baby in the world,” Dina interviews. “Joe and Teresa and her three sisters are going to spoil that baby rotten.” Let’s withhold judgment until the premiere of The Giudice Goils, shall we? It’ll fit perfectly into Bravo’s future line-up, right after The Real Nursing Home Sluts of Orange County.
Dina gives a champagne toast, announcing that the baby is now half hers, and that Dina has always looked at Teresa “like a sister” and now it’s official– they’re family. So Dina can expect to be hit up for a loan later this week.
Now would be a great time for Danielle to crash the party in a horned head-dress and predict that on her 16th birthday, Tawdriana will prick her finger on a spinning-wheel and die.
“I just love sweet, innocent babies. Especially in a nice brown butter reduction.”
Teresa interviews that the drinking and dancing went on all night, and we get some footage of everyone doing just that. Of course, Bravo can’t afford to license the music that they’re dancing to, so instead we get this weird, generic, tootling track that sounds a lot like the anniversary party song at Wiener Dog‘s vile parents’ anniversary party in the classic black comedy Welcome to the Dollhouse. Teresa finds a sullen Joe and tries to get him to admit that “it was all worth it”. When he grunts a non-committal reply, she tells him that he’s obviously saying he doesn’t want any more kids, because they all come with mandatory christening parties. Joe loves throwing everyone off his closeted scent by having Teresa pump out babies like calzones during a pizzeria shift– he’s a bit stymied by this procreational blackmail. So he reacts by pouring red wine down Teresa’s throat. Gia is even more disgusted than we are: “What are you DOIN?! Chuggin on something? Yucky yucky yucky!” What a little lady. “G’night,” Joe slurs to Teresa. Are you leaving?! she shrieks in her “Prostitution Whore!” Voice. “I don’t wanna see da bill,” Joe whimpers, utterly broken.
Diner. Danielle takes Christine & Jillian to dinner and starts grilling them about the response at school to the Sweet 16. Relax, Ma, everyone loved it. Danielle says Christine was a great hostess. Like any aspiring teen model worth her laxatives, Christine enjoys gossip, and gossiping about people who gossip, so she, like, totally casually, drops, like, this bombshell about how one of her pals was, like, getting her eyebrows waxed, and overheard somebody telling someone that they heard that Teresa was like, fully gossiping about Danielle to everyone in, like New Jersey, about how Danielle had, like, decided to search for her, like, biological mother, or whatever.
The music gets, like, way ominous and Danielle implodes. The only person who knew this, Danielle interviews, is Kim G. “She’s not who I think she was,” Danielle tells us. The grammar may be a little sketchy, but the message is clear. Danielle’s dearest friend, the person Danielle wants reincarnated with a penis so Danielle can make Next Life babies with her/him, is a two-faced, backstabbing, bleach-blonde monster in leggings! Kim G is obviously “short of senses” to be spilling Danielle’s secrets to the Franklin Lakes beauty parlor community. “I’m a little upset right now,” Danielle snaps at her daughters. Teresa “Jew-Dice” is laughing at me, Danielle splutters, although no one mentioned laughing and to be fair, Teresa probably laughs at King of Queens reruns. Danielle hilariously excuses herself before “I say something in front of you guys.” Where was this motherly decorum when Dani was making masturbation movies with her cell phone cam?
“And they also think you should stop messing with this part of your face.”
“You bitch!” Danielle barks at Kim G (via interview) for making Christine find out about Danielle’s whore-brained scheme through a chatty wax technician. “You f*cking bitch!” Danielle steps outside to call her jailbird buddy Danny. It’s a one-way call so we can’t see Danny, but I’d like to think he’s got his hair up in curlers, painting his fingernails and watching Bon Jovi videos on VH1 Classic. Danny isn’t surprised to hear that Kim G betrayed Danielle– “She’s neighbors with these people!” Danielle credits Danny for being suspicious of Kim G since the night they met (the benefit at The Brownstone where he called Chris Manzo a fag, in case you have a life).
Danielle interviews that “even for the most evil of people”, revealing that she’s looking for her birth mother would certainly cross the line. She’s right. I think I saw a History Channel special that revealed Pol Pot was fervently anti-gossip. “So you make up your mind and you let me know how we’ll handle it,” Danny says, all tough and scary. I absolutely LOVE it when Danielle shifts into gangster-moll mode and shleps her rinky-dink felon posse around “for protection”. I was really hoping she’d tell Danny to nail-gun Kim G’s pets to plywood sections and hurl them through the windows. Danny asks if Danielle wants to “kick [Kim G] to the curb”, which the producers would like us to think is code for a bullet to the head but I’m sure actually means un-friending her on FB. “I’ll keep you posted as to how we’re gonna do this,” Danielle cryptically intones, knowing damn well that vengeance is a dish best served cold. I’ve got my fingers crossed for a bloodbath… on her Bravo blog page!
The Brownstone. The party is STILL going on. I think the kid must have pubic hair by now. Jacqueline and Caroline gush to Teresa about how wonderfully OTT everything is. Jacqueline interviews that she misses having Dina around– “We’re always laughing and being silly together.” Dina, fun and giggly?! Jacqueline doesn’t even believe this bullshit. You can just tell. Everyone but Joe clusters around Tawdriana for more photos of the admittedly cute tot in her “foofy, girly” ridonkulously ornate gown. Smile pretty, honey, and don’t mind those scratchy tags. And please refrain from spitting up. It’s going back to the store tomorrow.
“Nah, the midgets from Cirque de Soleil woulda been too much.”
The Brownstone. It’s the next morning and Caroline stops by to find “Crittopher” cleaning up the party wreckage. He tells her it’s his one-year anniversary working there. She says congratulations; he says he marks time by digging marks in the wall. “You’re not in jail,” Caroline scoffs sweetly. “Yeee-ah,” Crittopher replies, his head filled with visions of thonged, busty babes wielding shammy cloths. Caroline asks if he’s seen his pal John G. Yes, John’s about to go back to college after break. And Mrs G, Caroline inquires, not referring to Charlotte Rae. “She’s good,” Chris says, sphincter clenching slightly.
He confesses that Kim wants a lunch date with Caroline, then offers to double with Johnny if Caroline will say yes. Not that it’s something Caroline would be interested in, right? Her stony gaze says it all, but in case you sometimes nap during the show, Caroline interviews that Kim G “escorted” Danielle to the courthouse to press charges against Mommy Salami‘s delinquent step-niece Ashley, so a friendship with Caroline is out of the question. “It’s a muddy, ugly situation,” Caroline tells us. “I think Kim G is gonna have her Uh-Oh Moment. Because everybody does. With Danielle.”
Critter babbles something about “Mother-Son Night” with the G’s and how Kim knows Caroline isn’t “a monster” (to which she makes a really disturbing face) and that he and Johnny have been buds “since we were this big” and they obviously can’t risk that friendship over something stupid like this and um may I please be excused? Caroline clarifies via interview that this isn’t about Kim, it’s about her sick, twisted, demented association with Danielle. Caroline tells Chris that these matronly squabbles “shouldn’t even be on your radar” and to enjoy his one-year anniversary and that he wears many hats and looks handsome in all of them. “Thank you, mama,” Critter says, very sweetly, and I think I’m a little bit in love with him. Albie is hotter but Chris would work much harder to please a gal in bed. For all the shit I’ve been slinging, I have to say that Caroline is a great mom and seeing her relationships with her kids makes me miss my mama in San Juan. And now I am crying, thanks to this trashy show. Oh, well. I’m a Recap Artist, not a replicant.
“I don’t care how long you been friends… if Kim G messes with MY family, I will put Johnny’s balls through a garlic press and feed’em to the bitch with a shrimp fork.”
Villa Laurita. Jacqueline’s playtime with her own modestly christened baby is interrupted by a drop-in from a very agitated Kim G. Kim says she was just passing by and is desperate to talk: “I hate her f*cking guts!” Kim exclaims, oblivious to Baby Nicholas‘s virgin ears. “I hate her! She’s a motherf*cker!” Jacqueline lets her in and the torrent continues. Kim has been up since 3 AM and is so, so upset. Jacqueline peevishly interviews her non-appreciation of Kim’s F-bomb freak-out in front of the baby. Plus there’s the matter of Kim’s accompanying Danielle to the courthouse to forcibly cast Ashley in a Jersey remake of Chained Heat. But Jacqueline reverts to her default position of listening to nutcases vent.
Kim G says she can’t believe she’s here at Villa Laurita discussing Danielle again, but Kim’s here to apologize to Jacqueline– “You’ve been right ALL ALONG.” What did Danielle do, Jacqueline asks wearily. She e-mailed “someone” and told this person not to be friends with Kim! Jacqueline is understandably nonplussed by this horrific revelation: “What is this, junior high?” “Third grade,” Kim says, plowing on, itemizing all the things she’s done for Danielle in the name of friendship: Danielle uses Kim’s driver, asks Kim to do errands like “running to the pharmacy for her daughter” (oooh, do tell!), “goin out, pickin up tabs…” Kim could go on and on. “I’m at a loss for words for this WOMAN!”
“A thousand pardons, dear ladies, but luncheon is upon us, and I’m having a devil of a time suckling through this damnable sassy top!”
Jacqueline gets all therapist and says Kim seems like “a nice woman… a people pleaser”, but she’s coming off as two-faced and Jacqueline can’t really trust Kim because Jacqui thinks Kim is probably running to Danielle and complaining about the Manzo-Lauritas and their BFF, Cousin It Giudice. Kim readily admits “I’m all over the board with this woman… I don’t know which way to go with her! She acts like an ass. An ass acts that way!” LOL. Jacqueline cracks a smirk, but scolds Kim anyway. Danielle probably got wind of Kim’s association with Jacqueline and now Dani’s out for blood. Jacqueline tells Kim that the minute Danielle hears anything she doesn’t like from someone, she’s done with them. Kim says SHE’S done with Danielle: “She can f*ckin scratch my ass!” That’s a new one on me, Gasmii. Kim assures Jacqueline that Kim wants “nuttin to do with” Danielle, the ban taking effect right after Kim tracks “the f*ckin bitch” down and has it out with her. “She coulda had it made with me!” Kim squawks. Kim may be a fame-hungry loon, but Danielle is an idiot. Anytime you can get a free chauffeur it’s a mitzvah. Plus I hate going to the pharmacy myself.
Seriously– if THIS was out there looking for YOU…
Danielle’s House. Danielle welcomes bantam-weight muscle Danny for a gossip session about all the mean girls and how much Danielle so, so hates them. And Danny totes agrees that this was, like, so un-called for of Kim G! “How ’bout my kids don’t need to find out by none other than Ta-REE-sa!” Danielle rants. Was Kim “not there when that ANIMAL chased me through a country club?!” I don’t know. Is Sasquatch an animal? Danielle theorizes via interview that Kim G was just using her to get in good with the other Housewives by then turning on Danielle to curry favor with them. And Danielle uses a strange tard voice to characterize Kim G’s plotting her juvenile deviltry.
What’s Danielle’s plan now, Danny wants to know. Busted kneecaps? A Sicilian necktie? Cement Jimmy Choos? No, she just needs him to drive her to Portobello so Danielle can call Kim “a two-faced bitch”. Ever heard of a taxi, drama queen? I mean, come on. Danny has his stories to watch. David Hasselhoff is back on Young & The Restless now. Kim G “SUCKED as a friend!” Danielle spits at the interviewer.
…how fast would you be running right now?
Portobello Restaurant. Danny drops Danielle off with an admonishment to “Keep your hands in your pockets. No punches!” She says that’s why she brought Danny. To beat up a sixty-year-old woman. Lovely! Inside, Kim waits at a table and greets Danielle with a cheery “Hi!” Danielle interviews that it nauseated her to be in the presence of a woman who “pretended” to be Danielle’s friend. “How dare she.” Kim innocently asks why Danielle wanted to meet. Danielle tells her how “very upset” Christine was (a total lie, by the way) to have found out through local gossip that Danielle was looking for her birth mom– and Kim G was the only one who could have spilled it.
Kim G shrugs it off, admitting she did it. But, she says, she didn’t do it to be malicious. Kim doesn’t have “a beef” with the other Housewives, Danielle does. And Kim has “been a real good friend” to Danielle. Even though certain situations with D have been “not good and uncomfortable”. A FLASHBACK MONTAGE of Danielle Behaving Badly In Front of Kim commences with the Brownstone charity event, with Danny screaming that “The Manzos are punks!” while Kim looks on like had no idea what kind of insane trash she’d signed on to hang out with.
Of course by this episode, Kim G not only knows the score where Danielle’s concerned, Kim is actively auditioning to replace Dina as the 5th Housewife. Hence the screaming verbal catfight that breaks out as the editors gleefully show us alarmed reactions from staff and patrons. Kim: You don’t tell me what to do! Danielle: But you don’t hafta be friends with me if you’re gonna be friends with them! Kim: You’re a goddamn f*ckin liar and a sneak, Danielle! [K tosses napkin at D] Danielle takes the infuriatingly calm/Oxana Grigoryeva tack, then interviews that she had no idea why Kim wanted to put on a show for everyone in the restaurant.
“Yeah? Well, I’m glad I left you in a basket with the nuns! You’re a load I shoulda swallowed!”
Well, Danielle doesn’t have to listen to this. She came here for her KIDS (such horseshit). Danielle gets up to go, but Kim’s not having it. “You’re not running away, are ya?” Kim taunts her. No, Danielle says. What she’s doing is finding her mother after 47 years. Which I was helping you with, Kim adds. Danielle denies this and walks out, but Kim follows, yelling “I’ve had enough of your sh*t!” Danielle prissily interviews that “Kim G showed her true colors and it was a huge display of disgusting.”
The gals are now in the parking lot and Kim is hopping mad. Literally. She’s stamping her tiny feet and wringing every last bit of audition-drama from this encounter. “You’re f*ckin jealous, that’s what you are!… F*ckin ugly bitch! Get the f*ck outta here, piece a sh*t!” Danielle tells Kim to go “hang with your friends”, to which Kim shrieks that at least “I have friends!” then winds up by calling Danielle a “f*ckin old lady with your fake and square tits!” Even though Danielle’s already in the Range Rover and her unpaid chauffeur friend Danny is driving away.
Next week: Danny tells Danielle that Joe “was arrested”. Joe mentions that he “hit three or four trees”. Caroline suggests a group trip to Europe, where Teresa squawks “Omigawd it’s so PRETTY!” from a gondola in Venice. Jacqueline feels sick on a cruise ship. And Milania acts like a spoiled little troll during her birthday party:
“I hate you, I hate this cake and I hate Christmas!”
Thanks for allowing me to try to fill Twunty’s huge but dainty and feminine high-end shoes.