More bankruptcy presents!
BECAUSE AREN’T THEY BANKRUPT? The last we heard, Chris Laurita was buying their stuff at auction, and now Brown Smurf is buying new debt? And on that topic, Andy now wants to how Brown Smurf feels about Ter “bringing home the bacon”.
“She don’t bring home my bacon,” he grunts in reply. Right, he’s supporting the family on his fake Spanish pizza money. He says he pays the bills, and she jumps in to tell us they keep the money separate. Well, that’s what happens when you’re married to a total deadbeat.
Then it’s back to Jacquee to confirm that she said they put up a public front for their marriage. Jacquee says “no comment” to her own comment. Then she accuses Ter of putting something on her blog about Chris cheating on Jacuqee. Well, wait, wasn’t Laruen Manzo just here to prove that Ter didn’t even write her own blog?
Anyway, Jacquee denies it. “I thought that’s what you told me,” Ter prods her, fake innocently. “No, honey,” Jacquee keeps saying. She keeps calling her “honey”, like that added term of condescension makes her right.
She finally ends up calling Ter “sick” for making the cheating accusation, and then declares since it’s all coming out anyway, she’s actually is going to go there and starts spilling the beans that Ter and Brown Smurf call each other names and punch each other all the time. “Every name in the book,” she says, by way of not commenting.
Then Jacuqee starts ticking off specific affairs. There was the girl Ter found Smurfy with on his desk. Also, a babysitter. I can’t imagine anyone wanting to have sex with the Brown Smurf, but I don’t put it past him either. The whole thing degenerates into everyone accusing everyone else’s husband of cheating on them.
And then, Danielle’s back in the fight! Maybe it’s time to bring that skank back? Apparently, she told Jacquee that she had seen Brown Smurf out with a stripper. “Now you’re quoting Danielle?” Andy asks, as confused as everyone else.
Smurfy tells her to have her head checked. So you’ve never cheated, Andy confirms? No, Smurfy replies. Someone yells that their marriage “looks like shit”. Smurfy says not to go there, and then Mel yells that Ter goes there with everyone else’s marriage.
Ter yells back that she doesn’t give a shit about Mel’s marriage which – I mean, come on. Not giving a shit means no bloodfeud, and what have we been watching for the past seven months? Oh, that’s right – seven months. I think we deserve a reward.
Then everyone’s yelling about how everyone else is fake and an opportunist. Andy asks what’s wrong with opportunity, and Ter diverts that question by saying that Mel is fake with her. Then Brown Smurf is yelling too and I can’t hear what anyone is saying and heaven help us will this ever end?
Mel calls them “dumb and dumber”, and Ter keeps carrying on in her fake-incredulous squeaky voice. “Why I am here?” wonders Brown Smurf, punctuated by a burp. Curtain on Part 2.
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