This week on the Real Housewives of New Jersey…they made me dizzy. Literally. I just finished watching and I’m still trying to make sense of everything that happened. So if you’re still confused when you’re done reading, consider yourself completely caught up.
We start off on the Jersey shore, where everyone except the Manzos are getting on a boat. Oh, and except Rosie, who stays home babysitting demon seed Milania and the other kids. Rosie’s all over this episode by the way, and the inevitable posturing for camera time has begun. I’m not happy. Oh wait – Rosie starts the fight that takes up the second half of the hour so actually, I’m totally happy. What was I thinking.
This can only lead to wonderful things. Okay, back to the boat – the Gorgas, the Guidices and the Wakiles sort of make a temporary truce with the help of little Jacquee sunshine, whose pill cocktail has taken her quest for peace to a whole new level. They bond over Caroline’s newfound menopause. Um, whatever it takes, I guess.
But the boat truce is a short one, because THE GOLDDIGGER COMMENT is about to reach critical mass. It all goes down at some hippy-dippy Solstice party. And it’s all courtesy of Rosie. If we thought she was our favorite lesbian before, consider the shit storm she starts when she intervenes to tell Teresa how badly THE GOLDDIGGER COMMENT hurt her brother.
I have absolutely no idea what this has to do with Rosie, or how she even got involved, but I think this is what happens next:
1. Rosie tells Teresa that she hurt Midge’s feelings.
2. Everyone else sits at a table and talks shit on Teresa.
3. Rosie declares she’s “over it” and moves back to the shit talking table.
4. Jacquee takes Rosie’s place at Teresa’s table.
5. Teresa asks Jacquee if she knows if Mel and Caroline and Kat know about THE GOLDDIGGER COMMENT.
6. Jacquee tells Teresa to ask Mel herself.
7. Jacquee goes to the shit talking table, and Mel comes to Teresa’s table so she can explain THE GOLDDIGGER COMMENT.
8. Mel says that Brown Smurf “went to jail” instead of the Teresa-sanctioned “went away”.
9. All hell breaks loose.
It turns into a parking lot fight that nearly comes to blows. One of the Kims (I thought Teresa hated all the Kims? I’m so confused. I’M SO CONFUSED!) leans on a car and witnesses the event.
And of course, Mama Manzo sits around with a smug smile and lofty declarations of how she’s not going to engage, while feeding the fire every time someone landed back at the shit talking table. In between telling Lauren what a fat loser with a great personality she is, of course.
Tune in tomorrow for all the action!