This week on The Real Housewives of New Jersey, we relive a little more drama courtesy of THE COOKBOOK and watch the Gorgas unsuccessfully try to turn one of Teresa’s “jokes” into a new blood feud.
But mostly, we just learn a lot about how bad things are for the Guidices. Ter’s “fans” are flying in from Oklahoma to attend her book signings and tell her how sorry they feel for her. Their pizza place is closed, not due to Joe the Brown Smurf’s inability to meet the lunch rush, but to his lack of driver’s license. In other words, it’s everyone else’s fault.
Another thing that is not anyone’s fault is the fact that Lauren Manzo is still fighting the battle of the bulge. She eats nothing but bread, sausage and cheese but simply can not understand why she isn’t thinner. She then signs up for a starvation cleanse, nonchalantly tells us how it will be no biggie for her to stick with it, and two scenes later there she is slurping some red wine.
Also not to blame is Moonface Ashley who despite being dropped off right outside her gate by a trusty Manzo, still manages to miss her flight out to Vegas. Sigh. You can deliver a cockroach to Newark Airport, but you can’t make it get on a plane. Of course while she does not actually board the plane, she does manage to live tweet the non-event.
Nice try, I’ll be back by dinner.
THE COOKBOOK comes up during a party at Jacquee’s, where Teresa apologizes with a heartfelt, “Well, having said that…that’s all there is to say.” No one cares, but they let her stay as they are contractually obligated to. Then the boys go down to the Laurita’s basement where Lebanese Dilbert somehow ends up accidentally whacking Brown Smurf with an iron candlestick.
Finally, Mel spends six weeks in the basement with with her black boyfriend and passes it off as time recording a ballad for Midge. He wants a black boyfriend too, but in the end, settles for sweeping mother of his children into their bedroom for a night of zebra print lingerie and lucite shoes.
Baby, let’s wear matching feather headpieces and do it all night long.
No Rosie today, but we get some bonding time with Lebanese Dilbert Sr. and Jr. We’re definitely on the short end of that deal. As for Milania, she calls Gia a hooker and tries to beat up the baby. And the highlight comes with Chris Manzo’s spot on interpretation of Brown Smurf saying he has the second “best brain”…after God. Yes, that God.
See you back here tomorrow for the rest of the action! Kisses, CB
To get the funniest quotes from TVgasm recaps as they’re posted, follow us on Twitter or like our Facebook page! You can post your favorite lines right back at us. Thanks for being here!
For Housewives related facebookery, like our Housewives page!
To follow Chickbomb’s personal tweets, click here.