Real Housewives of New Jersey: MiniCap

Recaps

By ChickBomb | Monday, April 30, 2012 | 6:00 am | 33 Comments
Posted in: Real Housewives of New Jersey, Recaps

This week on The Real Housewives of New Jersey, we relive a little more drama courtesy of THE COOKBOOK and watch the Gorgas unsuccessfully try to turn one of Teresa’s “jokes” into a new blood feud.

But mostly, we just learn a lot about how bad things are for the Guidices. Ter’s “fans” are flying in from Oklahoma to attend her book signings and tell her how sorry they feel for her. Their pizza place is closed, not due to Joe the Brown Smurf’s inability to meet the lunch rush, but to his lack of driver’s license.  In other words, it’s everyone else’s fault.

Another thing that is not anyone’s fault is the fact that Lauren Manzo is still fighting the battle of the bulge.  She eats nothing but bread, sausage and cheese but simply can not understand why she isn’t thinner.  She then signs up for a starvation cleanse, nonchalantly tells us how it will be no biggie for her to stick with it, and two scenes later there she is slurping some red wine.

Also not to blame is Moonface Ashley who despite being dropped off right outside her gate by a trusty Manzo, still manages to miss her flight out to Vegas. Sigh.  You can deliver a cockroach to Newark Airport, but you can’t make it get on a plane.  Of course while she does not actually board the plane, she does manage to live tweet the non-event.

Nice try, I’ll be back by dinner. 

THE COOKBOOK comes up during a party at Jacquee’s, where Teresa apologizes with a heartfelt, “Well, having said that…that’s all there is to say.”  No one cares, but they let her stay as they are contractually obligated to. Then the boys go down to the Laurita’s basement where Lebanese Dilbert somehow ends up accidentally whacking Brown Smurf with an iron candlestick.

Finally, Mel spends six weeks in the basement with with her black boyfriend and passes it off as time recording a ballad for Midge.  He wants a black boyfriend too, but in the end, settles for sweeping mother of his children into their bedroom for a night of zebra print lingerie and lucite shoes.

Baby, let’s wear matching feather headpieces and do it all night long.

No Rosie today, but we get some bonding time with Lebanese Dilbert Sr. and Jr.  We’re definitely on the short end of that deal.  As for Milania, she calls Gia a hooker and tries to beat up the baby.  And the highlight comes with Chris Manzo’s spot on interpretation of Brown Smurf saying he has the second “best brain”…after God. Yes, that God.

See you back here tomorrow for the rest of the action! Kisses, CB

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33 Comments

  1. 1
    caligal
    Posted April 30, 2012 at 8:33 am

    I am no fan of Tre, and certainly don’t pray for her at night, but I have never seen her look so scared and unsure as she did when she was standing in the empty restaurant TRYING to look and sound supportive of Juicy. It’s like you could see the realization finally get through that low forehead….I’m on my own, can’t depend on my husband, and I have alienated those closest around me to make a buck.

    Doesn’t feel so good, huh Tre?

  2. 2
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted April 30, 2012 at 9:09 am

    I was half paying attention but did catch Milania being: (as @TheFauxMilainiaG put it) Amazeballs! Tre looks like she’s aged about 15 years since last season, why is she staying with the idiot? Dump him, dum the debt, the bad decisions, the karma, and try to right the ship with what you’ve got going for yourself and maybe it won’t be too late to save yourself and those little girls. SMH

    How amazeballs (new favesies) does the Waklie family look in comparison to all the other families (YES Manzos inclided)? I love it!

  3. 3
    hot cawfee
    Posted April 30, 2012 at 9:16 am

    Am I crazy to think that the Wakile’s have more dough than the Manzo’s????
    I am thinking Dilbert and Kath are very savyy with money and live well within their means.
    Canot wait to watch with with celebratory drink in hand as we will be seeing less of Asslee and her hats and tats.

  4. 4
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted April 30, 2012 at 9:24 am

    @hot cawfee, I agree, I think they are the sleepers of this show. They live well within their means, they are engaged parents and seem to get along great. Are they a little wack-a-doo? Sure, but I am liking them more and more. They make the rest of the cast seem stale stuck in a rut.

    Cheers to that!

  5. 5
    TWhit
    Posted April 30, 2012 at 11:25 am

    I can’t remember it word for word, but my favorite line was from Chris, when they went to Smurf’s for steak, saying something like “The good thing about hanging with Joe Guidice is you get a steak. But you gotta squeeze it in between getting kicked in the nuts by Milania and stabbed with a fork by one of the other ‘a’s’.”

    I have the sads for Gia. That’s gonna be one messed up kid.

    And I hearby call Joseph Wakile the breakout star of this season.

  6. 6
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted April 30, 2012 at 11:35 am

    Typo-city, sorry clearly before I had enough caffiene.

  7. 7
    Mrngstar
    Posted April 30, 2012 at 11:40 am

    Cannot stand the whole “I’m a strong woman, I can do this alone” but bitches & whines when no one calls or visits when her shit hits the fan…alienates the family & friends then it’s somehow their fault. Bleh….milania is awesome tv but how does a child that young even know the word hooker? I have a 6yr old & he does not know that word exists nor does he know the meaning of it. The parental Judy-Shays disgust me.

  8. 8
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted April 30, 2012 at 11:45 am

    It’s all sick and twisted but, isn’t that what Bravo wants? No one cares if the Joodishay girls end up like Lindsay Lohan much less her parents.

  9. 9
    Maudtherriault
    Posted April 30, 2012 at 12:12 pm

    What happened to the second Jue-duh-chay daughter? What’s her name – Julietta? Gorgonzola?

  10. 10
    no cars go
    Posted April 30, 2012 at 12:13 pm

    i kind of love chris manzo, he cracks me up. however, i would rather lay down in front of a train than have caroline manzo as my mother in law.

  11. 11
    Classy Drunk classy drunk
    Posted April 30, 2012 at 12:38 pm

    Is typo-city any where near Rack City?!?!?!

  12. 12
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted April 30, 2012 at 1:26 pm

    Right next door!

  13. 13
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted April 30, 2012 at 1:27 pm

    I think they returned her to her birth parents.

  14. 14
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted April 30, 2012 at 1:27 pm

    ^FTW!

  15. 15
    Storm
    Posted April 30, 2012 at 1:39 pm

    LOL…loved the recap. I will be coming here for my RHO recaps from now on!

  16. 16
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted April 30, 2012 at 1:41 pm

    Or auctioned her on ebay to help alleviate some debt.

  17. 17
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted April 30, 2012 at 1:42 pm

    Well played!

  18. 18
    caligal
    Posted April 30, 2012 at 3:02 pm

    Gabrialla spoke!! I totally forgot!! And I love that it was to tell her father “well, you could at least wipe the blood off!”, referring to Audrianalammadongadingdong’s boo boo.

  19. 19
    TabWhit
    Posted April 30, 2012 at 6:13 pm

    They threw her in with the pizza parlor.

  20. 20
    TabWhit
    Posted April 30, 2012 at 6:14 pm

    “She’s BLEEDING!”

    “She’ll be okay.”

    “HER EYEBALL FELL OUT!”

    “WALK IT OFF ALREADY!! I DON’T WANNA HEAR NO MORE EYEBALL!!!”

  21. 21
    katie
    Posted April 30, 2012 at 7:29 pm

    Most of the time I’m pretty much okay with Lauren Manzo – having Caroline as a mom would be challenging at the best of times. But dId anyone else catch Lauren say that she felt like people didn’t respect her as her own person; just thought of her as her mother’s daughter, blah blah blah, so the DAY AFTER her grand opening at that salon she moved her stuff out and quit? Did I hear that correctly? Gee, I wonder if crap like that is the reason people don’t have a lot of faith in her as, I dunno, a human being?!?

  22. 22
    ScooterD
    Posted April 30, 2012 at 8:16 pm

    The husbands and the Manzo boys are just as bad as these hoooahs. They gossip and start as much trash as the wives, especially Dilbert.

    Albie = my gaydar is reading “GAYYYYYY!!!!!!!!” Come on out girl, its okay to be gay.

    Chris = I saw that gut. Your deranged mother is trying to get you to be a 500 pound bed ridden dependent. Run… If not for your health but for your sanity.

    Ashley = Most recent position on her resume – Whore #4 at the Bunny Ranch Las Vegas, NV *Prefers to be on the bottom because she is scared of heights*

    Melania = Psychiatric Evaluation – Likes to stab (should only be allowed a spork during feedings). Will push down and attack anyone smaller than her (much like her mothers forehead).

    Lauren = We get it… You are chunky, lay off the meatballs.

  23. 23
    hot cawfee
    Posted May 1, 2012 at 5:29 am

    @Katie– Yes !!! I caught that too–Lauren was “getting the respect” and packed up the make-up and left “Chateau” ?? Oh come now– it explains alot about her. OMG– get a copy of Skinny Italien!!!!! or go to Jenny Craig—enough whining. I guess she like meatballs with all that whine, huh ???

    @TWhit— I want Joseph and Rosie on a spin-off

  24. 24
    hot cawfee
    Posted May 1, 2012 at 5:33 am

    Oh and to Caroline– the Big C herself– your sons are not thin– Albie is ( and bravo on the hair coming back !!!!) but Critterfur is porking up in true Manzo and Laurita fashion. Maybe this is all Lauren’s desperate plea for a spin-off???????? Her goal of losing to 40 pounds and being a size 6 is skewed shall we say– she needs to lose more than that– maybe she is thinking like Kim Zolciak and her size 2 self ( cough cough)

    thank you Scooter– forgot to mention this

  25. 25
    hot cawfee
    Posted May 1, 2012 at 6:09 am

    oops– not getting the respect !!!! Damn– even I am not giving Lauren Manzo the respect she deserves as Lauren Manzo by getting my post right !!!!!!

  26. 26
    fancyface
    Posted May 1, 2012 at 10:02 am

    HOLD ON A FREAKING MINUTE! Did Joe LAUGH after Miliana called Gia a hooker? Seriously?? I know this episode was edited and even dubbed to hell, but I can totally see that assmunch laughing after one of his daughters called her sister ‘a freaking hooker’ (in my kelly bensimone voice).

    And how freaking awk-ward was that ‘boys dinner’ Joe had? I mean, they clearly had nothing to talk to Joe about and coming up with something to say looked PAIN-FUL! And how pathetic was he for pulling out that article about Joey? Him laughing and HOPING that he’ll fall on his face like he did was disgusting, but not surprising. You can see that Joe isn’t Joey’s favorite person in the world, but he never gloated or reveled in their problems, even though he would’ve been justified after the way Joe treated him.

    BTW Melissa, who cooks a ‘romantic meal’ for their husband and serves it while they’re at separate ends of a long ass table? That’s the exact opposite of romantic! But it was still touching when she played the song for him. You can see how touched he was by it and you can see that all he wants in return for the things he does for her is love, gratitude, and attention. Oh yeah, and a “poison” receptacle.

  27. 27
    mere2142
    Posted May 1, 2012 at 12:11 pm

    To quote @TheFauxMilaniaG

    ‘let’s just call a spade a spade here, guys. i’m sort of a terrorist.’

    This show needs more Milania!

  28. 28
    Jazzy
    Posted May 1, 2012 at 3:15 pm

    I quit watching this show a while ago, but I love the recaps. So are the Manzo kids still as useless as always? Has Caroline shown any comprehension of this?

    I can’t wait for the full recap to see how bad things are for Tre & her fam. One reason I quit watching is I couldn’t stomach seeing her in her mansion that was built with the labor of others that will never get paid. I hope every cent from her cookbooks goes to paying their debt.

  29. 29
    Brianna Quinn
    Posted May 1, 2012 at 5:10 pm

    Does Caroline think Lauren is a mute? I hate when parents answer for their children. I think Lauren was capable of answering the “weight-loss doctor’s” questions.

  30. 30
    hot cawfee
    Posted May 2, 2012 at 8:06 am

    Why dont Caroline and Lauren do Jenny Craig together ?? And lets put Critter-fur there too. Dont tell me none of youse guys have not noticed that double chin. We can also put Joe Guidice–when are the triplets due Joe?? and where is our fearless leader Albert Manzo???

    Cannot wait for the full recap!!!! I have made careful notes and need to ask one question: Is Ass-lee’s Nyquil with a straw equivalent to Chris Laurit’s red wine and Coke???

  31. 31
    Iona Trailer
    Posted May 2, 2012 at 10:06 am

    How is it that Assley can’t find her way around Newark Liberty International but somehow could find her way back to Franklin Lakes all by hersel. I just think this might have been a setup by Miss
    Andy to make the story more interesting. I can’t imagine Assley could figure out how to get home by herself. Now we know any Albie flunked out of college, How stupid can you be to just drop that heffer off and expect her to get on the plane?

    Teresa “apology” made that whole room awkward.

    Critter-fur is getting Manzo fat. He is funny though.

  32. 32
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted May 2, 2012 at 10:12 am

    ROFL!

  33. 33
    fancyface
    Posted May 2, 2012 at 4:22 pm


    TabWhit:

    “She’s BLEEDING!”
    “She’ll be okay.”
    “HER EYEBALL FELL OUT!”
    “WALK IT OFF ALREADY!! I DON’T WANNA HEAR NO MORE EYEBALL!!!”

    LMAO…what a buffoon! Can you imagine the ignored injuries that goes on in that house when the cameras aren’t there? If only I could be a fly on the wall when Miliana has all her sisters locked in the playroom beating the shit out of them when Joe ‘watches’ them while Teresa’s out. She’s like a bad girl in training: “I don’t fight fair! I use weapons, Hooker!” (Hannah, bad girls club season 3 & Miliana’s mentor)

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