Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: When The Zebra Print Hits The Road

Recaps

By ChickBomb | Thursday, August 2, 2012 | 10:00 am | 26 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Real Housewives of New Jersey, Recaps

In the Guidice/Gorga minivan, they are talking about sex. In the Manzo minivan, they are obsessively tracking each and every minute of their waking nightmare. And they haven’t even set sight on a Guidice yet – of course the Guidice/Gorga van is running an hour late, mainly because they’re killing time at a McDonald’s drive through.

At the airport, Kat is saying how reassuring it is that everyone’s getting along. In the G/G minivan, they’re stopping at the side of the road so guys can pee, because what sense would it have made for them to do so when they stopped at McDonalds? Ter and Mel stay in the van listening to Mel’s music. Ter first prattles on about how great it is to be spending time with her sister-in-law, then informs Mel that she named her songs wrong.

 When they finally do arrive at the airport, Brown Smurf does not squander the opportunity to prove what a buff hottie he is by lifting one of Ter’s leopard print “luggages”.Everyone settles into coach, and it’s off to Houston. They land, and everyone’s confused. What day is it? Where are we? What time did we wake up?

Wait, does everyone still hate Teresa?

Then we board the plane to San Francisco and holy crap, what is in Chris Manzo’s hand?

WHITE WATER?!?!?

Shameful! What’s the point of spending all Chris Laurita’s money wallpapering a truck with your branding if you’re going to drink regular, old non-sewage water?

And then finally, we touch down in San Francisco in the morning. Most people in the group haven’t been to Napa, much less California before. Caro can’t resist starting up with Ter’s shoes, which are heels and therefore ridiculous for camping. Ter tells her it’s all good though, at least her shoes are “Aztec-y”. You just know she thinks California’s in Mexico.

Do we need pesos?

 Oh, sorry – I was wrong. She thinks Aztec-y is Native American. She is informed that they are not going to an Indian reservation. “But we’re out west,” she continues to argue.

So wait, now you’re saying India’s in Mexico?

There’s an Aztec Indian Italian cookbook in here somewhere. Mark my words.

Everyone laughs at what an idiot Ter is and then someone else takes the heat off to ask how come it’s so hilly in California. Then they gather round someone’s phone to watch some forest animals having sex. Everyone seems to be very, very entertained.

Lebanese Dilbert is there with his camcorder saying how everyone loves each other now, but they should just wait until the end of the trip. Listen pal, if all you’ve got to offer is clustering around someone’s phone to watch creature sex, I don’t want to wait until the end of the trip. Just fast forward us there now, please.

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26 Comments

  1. 1
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted August 2, 2012 at 10:26 am

    Page two and already DYING!

    I want to see Tre and Alexsis have a battle of wits over geography, that would be #worthit.

  2. 2
    featherhead
    Posted August 2, 2012 at 10:54 am

    The Manzo/Laurita’s missed a huge opportunity there. They should have brought cases of blk water and handed them out on the airplane. The had a captured audience right there!! I’m sure the airline wouldn’t have minded… I don’t think I saw any blk water anywhere in the episode come to think of it. What’s next? Black Wine???

  3. 3
    labowner
    Posted August 2, 2012 at 11:09 am

    Wasn’t this the trip when they went to check up on Ashlee as well? Do we get to see that or was it not filmed?

    Featherhead – you can’t bring the water through security – how would it get on the plane?

    Back to reading. Chickbomb slicing people down with words right out of the gate.

  4. 4
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted August 2, 2012 at 12:08 pm

    I was picturing the walk with Mel and Tre on the beach going a little more like this:

    “You know Mel, I’ve got that not so PHresh feeling.”
    “Yeah Tre? Want some of my rePHresh? It’s in the RV; where you had the shits.”

    CB you have these people’s number and dialed it home. WTG-even making this snoozefest funny in your recap.

  5. 5
    featherhead
    Posted August 2, 2012 at 12:39 pm

    @labowner. -I was only kidding!! ;) The airlines would never let that happen!

  6. 6
    labowner
    Posted August 2, 2012 at 1:37 pm

    You are right Feather it is a great idea. Or they should have made up “airline” sized 3/4 oz bottles and brought them along.

    Joe Giudice was nice to Teresa. Shocking. Caronline is being mature by staying away from Tre to not cause drama. Awesome idea. Sorry Chick, I am with Kathy, convection ovens are different to cook in than regular ones.

    Next week looks like some fun times.

    Anyone know the point of camping in RV for four days? What was supposed to happen that didn’t?

    I don’t understand flying into SFO – driving South to RV World to only drive back up North and West to get to Half Moon Bay to then end up driving North and East to Napa. How high was the person that planned this?

  7. 7
    Sugarbush Sugarbush
    Posted August 2, 2012 at 1:59 pm

    It took me three tries to watch this episode all the way through, only to have to be exposed to Dilbert’s boner. Why, Bravo? Why?

    And I was thinking that Tarzan and Tre probably go way back. Tarzan probably loves to see Tre in red…it’s just so sexy. /barf

  8. 8
    WaffleBoy
    Posted August 2, 2012 at 2:56 pm

    JARTS? What the hell are JARTS?
    JARTS are what you get when you come up with a game that is supposed to play like horseshoes, only you use giant darts instead. Really what it is a sure-fire trip to the emergency room in a box. I didn’t know they sold them anymore. I worked in the sporting goods department of a department store when I got out off college, and at the time there were so many lawsuits out over this game that anyone who wanted to buy it had to fill out more paperwork then you’d need to buy a shotgun. For what it’s worth if there was ever a group of people I would want to play JARTS, these are the ones.

  9. 9
    NikkiHughes
    Posted August 2, 2012 at 3:02 pm

    Well I must be a dumbass…….I thought full size “kitchen” ovens were called convection ovens. Where I’m from, those little ones she was using is called a toaster oven. So what is a “regular” stove/oven called?

    Why didn’t they just stay in a hotel? It surely would have been cheaper than rv rental, Camping World supplies, and the gas used, no?

  10. 10
    Andyourlittledogtoo
    Posted August 2, 2012 at 3:14 pm

    Convection ovens are special ovens that have a feature that moves air around as well as heat I think. Things cook faster in a convection oven and you have to adjust timing for everything. Size doesn’t matter. I have a regular sized oven at home and a toaster oven that has a convection option I can use. But some full size ovens have convection features also. So far I haven’t tried the convection feature on my toaster oven because it intimidates me. I am an oven wimp. :)

    I had Jarts when I was a kid. Lawn darts. They were wicked sharp and flew through the air with deadly ease toward their target. It was like giving your kids a set of actual swords for Christmas — what are people thinking? So yeah, when I saw that box of Jarts in the basket I thought, what better game for a bunch of probably eventually drunken feuding families in RVs for four days to play than Jarts? Because it isn’t a vacation until someone loses an eye.

  11. 11
    LastCall
    Posted August 2, 2012 at 3:20 pm

    Unless I see a jart embedded in somebody’s skull, pronto, I’m done with this show. It’s sooooooooooooo damn scripted any more, and yet it’s still boring. This here recap was way better than watching the actual episode IMO.

    p.s.
    My mom says “placements” too.

  12. 12
    labowner
    Posted August 2, 2012 at 4:11 pm

    Forgot, Joe’s trial will be in the fall.

  13. 13
    Davis
    Posted August 2, 2012 at 7:09 pm

    Most of the JARTS these days are styrofoam :(
    The ones we saw were probably Nerf, so sorry we should not expect any blood from lawn games! Then again we probably won’t see any lawn games at all since they are camping in a PARKING lot!

  14. 14
    Andyourlittledogtoo
    Posted August 2, 2012 at 7:12 pm

    Well, it looks like they took the Jarts of my youth off the market for the simple reason that you could kill someone with them. I looked up Jarts for sale new today and they don’t have the deadly steel icepick end anymore, they have a heavy plastic kind of oblongish end instead. Since they bought them new and not old off of eBay, I don’t think we’re going to see any Jarts embedded in skulls this season. They may get a blunt injury head trauma, but no juicy puncture wounds. Part of me is relieved that the old Jarts are gone, and part of me is kind of disappointed by this plot development.

    Well, there’s always all those cliffs they keep complaining about. :)

  15. 15
    roger
    Posted August 2, 2012 at 9:33 pm

    will someone please JART caroline manzo? STAT

  16. 16
    hot cawfee
    Posted August 3, 2012 at 7:46 am

    OK-am on page 5 and I have to say : 1) total BRAVO set-up with Lindsey moving in–I mean…Lord….
    2) Yes–Lauren….for the love of Mike-you are in the make-up field? You should well look better. I have added primer to my routine–that would be sunblock, moisturizer, primer, foundation–Give each a good 15 minutes to set–Takes time yes but you will love the results. That is free advice Lauren–from Aunt Cawfee to you.
    Back to reading

  17. 17
    hot cawfee
    Posted August 3, 2012 at 7:57 am

    For the love of all that is good and holy–Dilbert-WHAT!!!?? am grossed out, speechless and will watch this episode again. I am sure I missed a few things. The whole “cow intimacy” was gross. I had a chuckle at how Vito came completly within camera shot to see it. Made me think of him and Lauren–and then I stopped thinking.
    Great job CB!!!!!!

  18. 18
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted August 3, 2012 at 8:18 am

    @labowber comment #6, the same asshole who planned a 7 hour trip to Costa rica from the OC that’s what idiot. They’re in the same village.

  19. 19
    hot cawfee
    Posted August 3, 2012 at 9:06 am

    Hey—-how did Brown Smurf get on a plane without ID ?? He “left his wallet” in a car–maybe he used a passport. Doesnt he have to surrender it b/c of his legal problems??????

  20. 20
    labowner
    Posted August 3, 2012 at 2:10 pm

    State ID Hot?

  21. 21
    VirtualBoricua
    Posted August 3, 2012 at 7:03 pm

    Actually, California IS in Mexico.

  22. 22
    Rosemary's Baby
    Posted August 4, 2012 at 4:42 pm

    I only saw the last few minutes of the episode, and that was enough. Ritchie’s raging boner and the Teresa/Melissa Mensa meeting on the beach illustrate the ridiculousness that is The Real Housewives of New Jersey. And I still can’t stop watching.

  23. 23
    hot cawfee
    Posted August 5, 2012 at 4:33 pm

    @ 20 Lab—I was wondering how much identification Brown Smurf actually has owing to his “legal” problems. Must have been BRAVO tv magic to get him out to Cali—-did we actually see him on the plane???? There is no bar on an airplane and believe I have looked.

    Sorry kids– I am convinced that Bravo is screwing with us—am tracing time according to Tiny’s hair color.

  24. 24
    Clare S
    Posted August 6, 2012 at 1:22 pm

    @ hot cawfee most states will offer an ID only card for people who lose their DL due to drunk driving I would guess Juicy has one. As a bartender I see plenty from people who have lost their driving rights.

  25. 25
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted August 7, 2012 at 8:49 am

    I agree with you Hot Cawfee there is just too much out of place. You mean to tell me NONE of these people with the little ones they all have have ever heard of Watchdog.com??? Please put the Penises away!

    Clare S. good call my home state and current state offer ID cards. I beg booger smurf has one.

  26. 26
    susanl
    Posted August 14, 2012 at 8:01 am

    Love the advertisments. Most of the guys are wearing “Camper World” jackets. What? They couldn’t bring “free” jackets from home? They had to spend yet more money (they don’t have) and buy new ones with a big honking “Camper World” logo? At least buy one that said “California” or “San Francisco” but not Camper world??? And the other guys all had that black water crap “BLK” on t-shirts.

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