Al Manzo appears for his now famous line about how when Lauren sees the light “Daddy will get you a lapband”. We also flash back to Lauren finding out that Generic Girlfriend was moving on via walkie talkie. Then comes the fight at the campground, where Lauren locked herself in the RV (Gia moment!) and Caro called her an asshole.
Caro does not seem to be enjoying this particular stroll down memory lane. She smiles tersely as he tells her that people were pissed at her this year. One of the viewers called her “a bitter ginger with a twist of lemon face and Lauren is Caroline 2.0″! Well, well, well. How the sanctimonious have fallen.
What’s the deal, Andy wants to know. Well, first things first – a long convoluted story (practically reminiscent of the Kim Z. “My hair was falling out and I had cancer but I didn’t have cancer” tale) about how she was supposed to go for follow up tests, but she didn’t and then she did, and at the end of the day…she’s actually not going through menopause. Hear that, America? You may have thought Caro was old but she’s not. You might have also thought she was a bitch, but – oh, yeah, well she’s that.
“The doctor diagnosed you as a bitch?” Andy asks her. No, she diagnosed herself as one, she tells us. The viewers did too, Andy reminds her. Caro says it was a difficult season for her, she didn’t like the person she saw and she “won’t go back there”.
My shit stirring spoon is in the dishwasher. It was really dirty.
We learn what we already know about Lauren having lap band surgery, and then she’s ready for her closeup. ”Let’s bring her out,” suggests Andy and out prances Lauren in a very short, tight leather dress atop about 7 pairs of spanxx. I do not hate the wardrobe choice, but for all the weight loss surgeries in the world, Lauren will always be on the short and stubby side.
She sits down and tries to arrange herself on the couch in the ridiculously short skirt. ”I’m afraid my chuckie’s gonna show,” she says, ever the lady. Also, this is something one might consider before they wear a miniskirt to sit on a couch with a camera pointed up at them.
So what’s the final count? 35 pounds! And what brought it on? It was the night of the argument at the campground when she got called an asshole. She realized she was an asshole, basically and she didn’t want anything nice for anything else. She was unhappier than ever, and when Al asked her if she thought it was due to her weight, she agreed it was and that was that.
Lauren’s really happy, and my philosophy is – live and let live. If a lap band made you happy, then what do I care? “Let’s face it, I’m in the public eye,” she says sagely.
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