Poor Jersey. Even Lady Liberty has her back to you.
Previously on Real Housewives of New Jersey, Caroline’s sons left the house to not have jobs somewhere where there wasn’t a pint sized Brando wannabe lecturing their stupid asses, Jacqueline’s Daughter Assley was a brat, Smellissa Garaoyle reminded us that Toddlers and Tiaras is coming back soon,
…Kathy made kind of an ass out of herself at a fashion show, and every single animal in Jersey hid in terror.
Rich comes home in his little Mid Life Crisis car and then slurps his soup really loudly while Kathy moans about how she got in troubs with Caroline for calling Theresa an unfit mother in front of a room full of bottom feeders. Rich is like awwww there there sluuuuuuuurp. Kathy gets herself all worked up retelling the story. She was just trying to be a good cousin! Rich has been with Kathy long enough to just keep his mouth shut and slurp his soup. Really loudly. I’m gonna fucking kill Rich you guys.
Kathy comes up with a plan. Buy a “Sorry You’re An Unfit Mother” card? Get Teresa a session with Dian Fossey, the only woman who can truly communicate with apes? Let the shit come out naturally instead of stirring it every five minutes? No! She’s gonna arrange a sit down with the Godmother herself.
Not that one. The hot one.
Kathy’s pissed cuz you only got one chance to make an impression and Teresa ruined Caroline’s first impression of her. Um…I think Caro got it right. You’re a nosy Gorga flack with way too much time on your hands. Caroline’s like a St. Bernard. Hard to read and really slow. Don’t go rushing at her. Just stand back and wait for her to lick you.
Or kill you.
Rich thinks it’s a great idea to kiss Caro’s ass a bit. Supportive husbands are sweet, but very dangerous. Sometimes you need to tell your women no, guys, or they’re gonna look like morons in public.
“Honey, I love you very much but your ass makes those jeans look fat.” There. Is that so hard?
Teresa on her way up to Divine Studio. Hey, Divine’s dead, but that doesn’t mean this can’t be fabulous still. Oh wait. Not the Divine’s studio. This is a place that is taking pictures of Teresa’s food for her “How To Make Your Husband Fatter in Down Times on Half the Money” cookbook. Teresa’s food looks as tasty to eat as the actual Divine.
Teresa seems super nervous to be there, but it might be because she’s afraid of Snidely Whiplash.
I will not be foiled again!
There’s a whole staff there to make Teresa’s dream of food poisoning the country into a size zero, and to her credit, Teresa doesn’t laugh out loud when this chick introduces herself. And you know she wanted to.
Is that like a mix a numba one and numba two? I hate when that happens. You must a tried the lasagna.
The chef is a greasy hippy kinda guy, and Ter doesn’t even bother going over to say hi to him. She walks straight up to the pictures they’ve been working on for the past two days and starts giving them notes. It’s not only a lesson in fine cooking. It’s a lesson in English. “When I make em they’re a little more browner.” Greasy chef isn’t amused, but he keeps his mouth shut cuz he’s in the midst of a literary genius. Skinny Italian has been on the bestseller list for nine weeks! So has Hunger Games. Coincidence? Cuz that’s the only way anyone’s ass is getting smaller. I’m gonna write a book called “Hungry or Fat: Your Choice Just Please Shut the Fuck Up About it Already.”
She’s writing a new book, and this one is about modern economic systems. Or something. It’s gonna be called “Fabulicious”, cuz it’s part fabulous, part suspicious. Like most of the jewelry she wears.
Hey I know you! You’re that queeranderthal on the Wanted poster in Wet Seal.
Teresa compliments her own recipe, and the PR lady fakely agrees. You know who doesn’t? Greasy Chef.
You’ll love it. It was made with hate.
Teresa launches into her “how I became a Chef” story. She would get these recipes, “and day had all dese ingredientses.” You gotta hand it to To Wong Pong Suejitzu and PR lady, they don’t start sobbing as English gets beat to death with a baseball bat. They earn every dollar they make, those two.
If I stare straight ahead, I won’t have to watch English bleed out.
There are so many ingredientses day didn’t even have as kids. Like cummin’. HAHAHAH! “What the? I don’t even like how that tastes!” It’s the first time Greasy Chef cracks a smile. Then a little fear comes into his face as Teresa’s secret ingredient dawns on him. She wasn’t being clever when she named her star dish “Juicy Joe’s Balls”. Teresa is a lot of things, but sly isn’t one of them.
The girls start laughing at Teresa’s idiocy the second she walks away. Juicy calls and tells her he saw Midget Joe at the gym. Instead of asking the obvious question, “who’s Jim and why were you at his house? I just stocked the fridge. Please shave your back before I get home.”, Ter asks “Didja tell him I loooove him?” Juice doesn’t get the fake “We’re on speakerphone with people who read things, please don’t embarrass me” hint, so he goes off about how he should beat up Midge. The crew is laughing, but in their defense they might still be thinking about cummin’.
Over at Melissa’s house, the kids are being brats while The Good Wife is making dinner. Midget Joe comes home and gives Melissa the cold shoulder cuz she hasn’t had sex with him in awhile. Give her a break! She was in a fashion show and she was too tired to work the strapon. He argues that she should take some “expresso” and let him stick her cuz his sperm is turning into poison. To us, she says he’s a bitch on her period. The kids think the parents are fighting over the TV. They may not understand all the language, but they definitely understand enough to know that their parents? Are class.
Mel innocently tells Midge about the blowup at the fashion show. She didn’t even know what was happenin! Teresa was running around screaming like a crazy person and Kathy was just tryin’ to be nice! Ah, sweet innocent Melissa. She has people carry out her shit for her. It’s like having a mob boss as a friend. Or a really good maid. The cameras are here, so she suggests he make up with Ter so she doesn’t get beat up on national TV, and he says there’s no way. He was nice to Juicy at the hotdog cart outside the gym, but that’s as far as he’s gonna go. But doesn’t he love his sistuh? He doesn’t answer, but he does tell his daughter to “love your brother!” Hypocrisy gets me horny. I’ll do ya, Midge!
Jacqui is going to see a psychic at The Craft. You know a psychic’s for real if her business is named after a 90′s teen flick. Unfortunately, psychics can’t always see what’s gonna happen in their own lives. Otherwise, this chick wouldn’t have gone to that discount doctor.
She might just have poker face. Psychics can’t laugh at your idiotic problems or they’d be broke. Jacqui was “skeptic” the first time she saw Eraserhead Psychic lady, but when she was told her vagina sprang forth a water retaining demon that would try to suck her Wells Fargo account dry to work for a lady that ran over 16 people, Jacqui was hooked.
I predict you will lose a game of canasta tonight.
Eraserhead says that Assley is crying and weak and she’s super concerned about the kid’s constant PMS. She’s depressed about some unironed family issues. Oh good lord how much did that cost? You need a psychic to tell you you raised an asshole? “Beat her.” There. That advice was the price of a movie rental. Thanks, The Color Purple! You always come through.
Caroline is helping the boys move into their new house, and she helps by yelling at them a lot. Jacqui gave them a leather couch and a stripper pole. Well if that’s not positive thinking, I don’t know what is. Albie’s big gay friend Greg comes over and kills that dream.
What is this? I thought I was gonna finally get to do you without your mother in the next room.
Greg’s got a surprise! Big Gay Greg is moving in! It’s explained that Greg is just their Mister, their man sister. HAHAHAH. Fabulicious. Caroline whines about being left alone with her lame dull as dishwater daughter, and she says that she’s offended and she’s gonna marry her slobby bf and get the hell away from her mom. She argues with Albie a bit and Caroline tells them to be there for each other or she’ll kill them. This is cute and all, but can we please get back to Big Gay Greg? Cuz it’s been three years and I’m suddenly fascinated with Albie.
Jacqui’s folks come to visit, and Jacqui complains to her dad about how Assleigh’s whining makes her sick. Dad asks if she’s ever told Ass her story. She was married at 18 and divorced before she could legally drink. Then she had to move in with her folks and have a job. Yes, Dad. Ass has heard that story a million times and so did we. He adds that Ass has had a tough life with two dads. Divorce is crazy rare in America and having more than one dad is traumatizing. Oh wah. Bitch is almost legal! BEAT HER!
Jacqui cries and deduces that Assley’s problems are all due to her divorce. No. They are related to you not disciplining her and general water retention. Meanwhile, Assley is up in her room on the cell with her little brother in Texas, crying because she never gets to see his football games. He just keeps saying “who is this?” over and over again before hanging up on her stupid ass. What a sweetheart!
Kathy shows up at Caroline’s with flowers. Caroline gets some fishbowls of wine and stares at Kathy like “so what the fuck do you want?” Kathy very somberly tells Caro that she “regrets” what happened at the Brownstone. Caroline just stares at her like “what’s up with the Garfield eyes?”
Caro’s starting this convo off pretty cold, but poor thing is still trying to get the images of Albee inside Big Gay Greg out of her mind. Kathy says that it wasn’t her intention to be dramatic, then she launches into the conversation with Teresa, which is dramatic. Caroline says she’s doesn’t care. She felt bad for Teresa, and tells us that she’s not Teresa’s best friend (foreshadowing?) but she still didn’t deserve that. Kathy ignores Caroline’s dismissal and keeps blabbering on. She says that Caroline jumped in the pot and made a judgement call at the fashion show. UhOh. Bad move.
Caroline says she doesn’t give a fuck about the family drama and wants to be kept out of it completely. Poor Kathy is just trying to get herself a storyline. She thought Caro would be nicer, but “ya know what? I don’t need approval!” Too late! Unapproved! Buhbye leave the wine glass and please stop making your husband soup.
Melissa gives the kids a bath and tells us that it’s just devastating that they can’t play with their cousins. Uh huh. Meanwhile, we’re getting schooled on where the brother/sister problems lie.
You’re gonna have to stop this by high school or you’re gonna end up like your dad and his sister.
Midget Joe says watching her bathe the kids makes him hot, calls her a MILF, and complains that his daughter is a cock blocker. Midge tells us that he’s super sexual and he’s known for it. EW. For Christmas, poor Melissa should just buy him a traffic cone and tell him to try taking care of himself once in awhile. That guy is as gay is the sun coming up in the morning.
Kathy cooks dinner with Rich and tells us that she is disappointed that Caroline thinks she’s a troublemaker. Who cares? Rich leased her a new Benz! What does Rich do again? Cuz if he’s gonna buy a car every time Kathy starts shit with someone and gets Caroline’s finger in her face, they’re gonna need a bigger garage.
Zombie Tranny Kim D is back. UGH. WHY GOD?!? WHYYYYYY? Caroline and Teresa go to her friend’s store to pick out tacky clothes before they’re available to the general taste free Jersey public. Teresa brags that she used to be in the fashion industry cuz she worked at Macy’s. HAHAHAH! I used to work in the culinary industry, and if I wasn’t tipped I was one pissed busboy. Teresa invites Zombie Tranny over for Thanksgiving. Nope! Sorry! She’s got her own sister to hate on the holidays thanks very much. Ter starts going on about how mean her brother is, and then Caroline brings up Kathy’s visit. Teresa starts babbling crazily, as Teresa does. Caroline lectures her on how to listen and stop talking. It takes like three minutes. Teresa can’t help herself. Can you ask a snail to stop leaving slime trails? Can you ask a dog to stop sniffing asses? Can you ask tornadoes to stop making you giggle and cry JUUUUDYYYYY even though they’re ripping through towns? No. No you can’t.
Finally Teresa shuts up and Caroline tells her that no one listens. Teresa waits for her to pause and starts yammering on about the same old bs. Caroline suggests she write a letter. And make it about cummin’. Teresa keeps babbling about crazy shit and Caroline is pissed that she can’t get this wack bitch to pay attention to stuff other than drama for two seconds. She tried her best to not get angry, but she’s got Vaseline in her hair just in case this turns into a girl fight. Danielle’s not around any more to use as a human shield.
Coming up, Teresa tries to work a pen.
What do I gotta do to make words come outta this thing?
Over at the Gorgaoyle’s, Midget Joe is trying to bang his wife still. He says it’s like having a zit that you let get too big. Then you pop it and it sprays across the room. Aw, Jersey pillow talk. Who doesn’t wanna bang a dude that compares fucking you to popping a zit and then says he wants to put poison in you?
Teresa goes over to Jacqui’s to write the letter. Teresa starts rambling about how she doesn’t understand how it got this bad with her idiot of a brother. She’s been writing on her blackberry. Thankfully, she reads it aloud. She’s even worse at reading than she is at writing.
Deah Tinee. U r stoopid. But I can’t take baths no mo. Letzmakeup. Frum Taryseh.
Jacqui points out that she didn’t say anything nice about Melissa. But it’s dat bitch’s fault! She broke her hawt! Jacqui tries to give her good advice, but Teresa is getting pissed that no one cares how she feels. But Jesus says to forgive so she forgives Midget. But not that hooah Melissa! They’re both stupid and if everyone was like Teresa the world would be a better place. If everyone was like Teresa, we’d be in another Depression cuz everyone would be living in free mansions and shit. Jacqui tries to get her to see that maybe she could at least pretend that she likes Melissa and take some blame, but Teresa is digging around in her purse so she can answer her bedazzled bberry in the middle of their conversation. It seems to just be dawning on Jacqui that Teresa’s fucking hopeless. Without someone to flip tables at, it’s becoming wonderfully apparent how fucking stupid the Neanderthal is.
Jacqui explains empathy, but Teresa can’t stop saying Midge is mean and he started it. Writing the letter takes all damn day and finally Jacqui stops trying to help. Just draw some poop on a paper and deliver the f ing thing. She drives Ter to the Gorgaoyle’s spec house. On the way, she goes off about how her idiot brother needs to change but she doesn’t wanna change him. Jacqui gives advice on how to have a peaceful conversation, and Teresa says if she’s attacked she’s gonna attack back. LOL! She’s so fucking stupid. Love it. She needs to have a Judge show.
Sad scary music plays as she goes up to the front door to leave the envelope in their front door. Midge and Smell find the note when they get home from jogging, and Midge refuses to read it. He’s pissed that she would try to make him read. “I decided to wrote you this letter…” and it only goes downhill from there. Midge says Teresa hurt the fambly and he doesn’t want any part of this. Mel asks if he’s willing to never speak to Teresa again, and he says that if she stays an asshole then yes but if she changes back to the seventeen year old in the bathtub, he’d consider it.
Meh. If this show can’t produce a Christening every week, I’m bored. Next week, Teresa complains about her brother more. F.
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