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Tuesday, May 31, 2011
12:00 am
43 Comments
Poor Jersey. Even Lady Liberty has her back to you.
Previously on Real Housewives of New Jersey, Caroline’s sons left the house to not have jobs somewhere where there wasn’t a pint sized Brando wannabe lecturing their stupid asses, Jacqueline’s Daughter Assley was a brat, Smellissa Garaoyle reminded us that Toddlers and Tiaras is coming back soon,
…Kathy made kind of an ass out of herself at a fashion show, and every single animal in Jersey hid in terror.
Rich comes home in his little Mid Life Crisis car and then slurps his soup really loudly while Kathy moans about how she got in troubs with Caroline for calling Theresa an unfit mother in front of a room full of bottom feeders. Rich is like awwww there there sluuuuuuuurp. Kathy gets herself all worked up retelling the story. She was just trying to be a good cousin! Rich has been with Kathy long enough to just keep his mouth shut and slurp his soup. Really loudly. I’m gonna fucking kill Rich you guys.
Kathy comes up with a plan. Buy a “Sorry You’re An Unfit Mother” card? Get Teresa a session with Dian Fossey, the only woman who can truly communicate with apes? Let the shit come out naturally instead of stirring it every five minutes? No! She’s gonna arrange a sit down with the Godmother herself.
Yuh gahbage!
Not that one. The hot one.
BibbedybobbedyI’mstaaaahvin
Kathy’s pissed cuz you only got one chance to make an impression and Teresa ruined Caroline’s first impression of her. Um…I think Caro got it right. You’re a nosy Gorga flack with way too much time on your hands. Caroline’s like a St. Bernard. Hard to read and really slow. Don’t go rushing at her. Just stand back and wait for her to lick you.
Or kill you.
Rich thinks it’s a great idea to kiss Caro’s ass a bit. Supportive husbands are sweet, but very dangerous. Sometimes you need to tell your women no, guys, or they’re gonna look like morons in public.
“Honey, I love you very much but your ass makes those jeans look fat.” There. Is that so hard?
Teresa on her way up to Divine Studio. Hey, Divine’s dead, but that doesn’t mean this can’t be fabulous still. Oh wait. Not the Divine’s studio. This is a place that is taking pictures of Teresa’s food for her “How To Make Your Husband Fatter in Down Times on Half the Money” cookbook. Teresa’s food looks as tasty to eat as the actual Divine.
Teresa seems super nervous to be there, but it might be because she’s afraid of Snidely Whiplash.
I will not be foiled again!
There’s a whole staff there to make Teresa’s dream of food poisoning the country into a size zero, and to her credit, Teresa doesn’t laugh out loud when this chick introduces herself. And you know she wanted to.
Is that like a mix a numba one and numba two? I hate when that happens. You must a tried the lasagna.
The chef is a greasy hippy kinda guy, and Ter doesn’t even bother going over to say hi to him. She walks straight up to the pictures they’ve been working on for the past two days and starts giving them notes. It’s not only a lesson in fine cooking. It’s a lesson in English. “When I make em they’re a little more browner.” Greasy chef isn’t amused, but he keeps his mouth shut cuz he’s in the midst of a literary genius. Skinny Italian has been on the bestseller list for nine weeks! So has Hunger Games. Coincidence? Cuz that’s the only way anyone’s ass is getting smaller. I’m gonna write a book called “Hungry or Fat: Your Choice Just Please Shut the Fuck Up About it Already.”
She’s writing a new book, and this one is about modern economic systems. Or something. It’s gonna be called “Fabulicious”, cuz it’s part fabulous, part suspicious. Like most of the jewelry she wears.
Hey I know you! You’re that queeranderthal on the Wanted poster in Wet Seal.
Teresa compliments her own recipe, and the PR lady fakely agrees. You know who doesn’t? Greasy Chef.
You’ll love it. It was made with hate.
Teresa launches into her “how I became a Chef” story. She would get these recipes, “and day had all dese ingredientses.” You gotta hand it to To Wong Pong Suejitzu and PR lady, they don’t start sobbing as English gets beat to death with a baseball bat. They earn every dollar they make, those two.
If I stare straight ahead, I won’t have to watch English bleed out.
There are so many ingredientses day didn’t even have as kids. Like cummin’. HAHAHAH! “What the? I don’t even like how that tastes!” It’s the first time Greasy Chef cracks a smile. Then a little fear comes into his face as Teresa’s secret ingredient dawns on him. She wasn’t being clever when she named her star dish “Juicy Joe’s Balls”. Teresa is a lot of things, but sly isn’t one of them.
The girls start laughing at Teresa’s idiocy the second she walks away. Juicy calls and tells her he saw Midget Joe at the gym. Instead of asking the obvious question, “who’s Jim and why were you at his house? I just stocked the fridge. Please shave your back before I get home.”, Ter asks “Didja tell him I loooove him?” Juice doesn’t get the fake “We’re on speakerphone with people who read things, please don’t embarrass me” hint, so he goes off about how he should beat up Midge. The crew is laughing, but in their defense they might still be thinking about cummin’.
Over at Melissa’s house, the kids are being brats while The Good Wife is making dinner. Midget Joe comes home and gives Melissa the cold shoulder cuz she hasn’t had sex with him in awhile. Give her a break! She was in a fashion show and she was too tired to work the strapon. He argues that she should take some “expresso” and let him stick her cuz his sperm is turning into poison. To us, she says he’s a bitch on her period. The kids think the parents are fighting over the TV. They may not understand all the language, but they definitely understand enough to know that their parents? Are class.
Mel innocently tells Midge about the blowup at the fashion show. She didn’t even know what was happenin! Teresa was running around screaming like a crazy person and Kathy was just tryin’ to be nice! Ah, sweet innocent Melissa. She has people carry out her shit for her. It’s like having a mob boss as a friend. Or a really good maid. The cameras are here, so she suggests he make up with Ter so she doesn’t get beat up on national TV, and he says there’s no way. He was nice to Juicy at the hotdog cart outside the gym, but that’s as far as he’s gonna go. But doesn’t he love his sistuh? He doesn’t answer, but he does tell his daughter to “love your brother!” Hypocrisy gets me horny. I’ll do ya, Midge!
Jacqui is going to see a psychic at The Craft. You know a psychic’s for real if her business is named after a 90′s teen flick. Unfortunately, psychics can’t always see what’s gonna happen in their own lives. Otherwise, this chick wouldn’t have gone to that discount doctor.
She might just have poker face. Psychics can’t laugh at your idiotic problems or they’d be broke. Jacqui was “skeptic” the first time she saw Eraserhead Psychic lady, but when she was told her vagina sprang forth a water retaining demon that would try to suck her Wells Fargo account dry to work for a lady that ran over 16 people, Jacqui was hooked.
I predict you will lose a game of canasta tonight.
Eraserhead says that Assley is crying and weak and she’s super concerned about the kid’s constant PMS. She’s depressed about some unironed family issues. Oh good lord how much did that cost? You need a psychic to tell you you raised an asshole? “Beat her.” There. That advice was the price of a movie rental. Thanks, The Color Purple! You always come through.
Caroline is helping the boys move into their new house, and she helps by yelling at them a lot. Jacqui gave them a leather couch and a stripper pole. Well if that’s not positive thinking, I don’t know what is. Albie’s big gay friend Greg comes over and kills that dream.
What is this? I thought I was gonna finally get to do you without your mother in the next room.
Greg’s got a surprise! Big Gay Greg is moving in! It’s explained that Greg is just their Mister, their man sister. HAHAHAH. Fabulicious. Caroline whines about being left alone with her lame dull as dishwater daughter, and she says that she’s offended and she’s gonna marry her slobby bf and get the hell away from her mom. She argues with Albie a bit and Caroline tells them to be there for each other or she’ll kill them. This is cute and all, but can we please get back to Big Gay Greg? Cuz it’s been three years and I’m suddenly fascinated with Albie.
Jacqui’s folks come to visit, and Jacqui complains to her dad about how Assleigh’s whining makes her sick. Dad asks if she’s ever told Ass her story. She was married at 18 and divorced before she could legally drink. Then she had to move in with her folks and have a job. Yes, Dad. Ass has heard that story a million times and so did we. He adds that Ass has had a tough life with two dads. Divorce is crazy rare in America and having more than one dad is traumatizing. Oh wah. Bitch is almost legal! BEAT HER!
Jacqui cries and deduces that Assley’s problems are all due to her divorce. No. They are related to you not disciplining her and general water retention. Meanwhile, Assley is up in her room on the cell with her little brother in Texas, crying because she never gets to see his football games. He just keeps saying “who is this?” over and over again before hanging up on her stupid ass. What a sweetheart!
Kathy shows up at Caroline’s with flowers. Caroline gets some fishbowls of wine and stares at Kathy like “so what the fuck do you want?” Kathy very somberly tells Caro that she “regrets” what happened at the Brownstone. Caroline just stares at her like “what’s up with the Garfield eyes?”
Caro’s starting this convo off pretty cold, but poor thing is still trying to get the images of Albee inside Big Gay Greg out of her mind. Kathy says that it wasn’t her intention to be dramatic, then she launches into the conversation with Teresa, which is dramatic. Caroline says she’s doesn’t care. She felt bad for Teresa, and tells us that she’s not Teresa’s best friend (foreshadowing?) but she still didn’t deserve that. Kathy ignores Caroline’s dismissal and keeps blabbering on. She says that Caroline jumped in the pot and made a judgement call at the fashion show. UhOh. Bad move.
Caroline says she doesn’t give a fuck about the family drama and wants to be kept out of it completely. Poor Kathy is just trying to get herself a storyline. She thought Caro would be nicer, but “ya know what? I don’t need approval!” Too late! Unapproved! Buhbye leave the wine glass and please stop making your husband soup.
Melissa gives the kids a bath and tells us that it’s just devastating that they can’t play with their cousins. Uh huh. Meanwhile, we’re getting schooled on where the brother/sister problems lie.
You’re gonna have to stop this by high school or you’re gonna end up like your dad and his sister.
Midget Joe says watching her bathe the kids makes him hot, calls her a MILF, and complains that his daughter is a cock blocker. Midge tells us that he’s super sexual and he’s known for it. EW. For Christmas, poor Melissa should just buy him a traffic cone and tell him to try taking care of himself once in awhile. That guy is as gay is the sun coming up in the morning.
Kathy cooks dinner with Rich and tells us that she is disappointed that Caroline thinks she’s a troublemaker. Who cares? Rich leased her a new Benz! What does Rich do again? Cuz if he’s gonna buy a car every time Kathy starts shit with someone and gets Caroline’s finger in her face, they’re gonna need a bigger garage.
Zombie Tranny Kim D is back. UGH. WHY GOD?!? WHYYYYYY? Caroline and Teresa go to her friend’s store to pick out tacky clothes before they’re available to the general taste free Jersey public. Teresa brags that she used to be in the fashion industry cuz she worked at Macy’s. HAHAHAH! I used to work in the culinary industry, and if I wasn’t tipped I was one pissed busboy. Teresa invites Zombie Tranny over for Thanksgiving. Nope! Sorry! She’s got her own sister to hate on the holidays thanks very much. Ter starts going on about how mean her brother is, and then Caroline brings up Kathy’s visit. Teresa starts babbling crazily, as Teresa does. Caroline lectures her on how to listen and stop talking. It takes like three minutes. Teresa can’t help herself. Can you ask a snail to stop leaving slime trails? Can you ask a dog to stop sniffing asses? Can you ask tornadoes to stop making you giggle and cry JUUUUDYYYYY even though they’re ripping through towns? No. No you can’t.
Finally Teresa shuts up and Caroline tells her that no one listens. Teresa waits for her to pause and starts yammering on about the same old bs. Caroline suggests she write a letter. And make it about cummin’. Teresa keeps babbling about crazy shit and Caroline is pissed that she can’t get this wack bitch to pay attention to stuff other than drama for two seconds. She tried her best to not get angry, but she’s got Vaseline in her hair just in case this turns into a girl fight. Danielle’s not around any more to use as a human shield.
Coming up, Teresa tries to work a pen.
What do I gotta do to make words come outta this thing?
Over at the Gorgaoyle’s, Midget Joe is trying to bang his wife still. He says it’s like having a zit that you let get too big. Then you pop it and it sprays across the room. Aw, Jersey pillow talk. Who doesn’t wanna bang a dude that compares fucking you to popping a zit and then says he wants to put poison in you?
Teresa goes over to Jacqui’s to write the letter. Teresa starts rambling about how she doesn’t understand how it got this bad with her idiot of a brother. She’s been writing on her blackberry. Thankfully, she reads it aloud. She’s even worse at reading than she is at writing.
Deah Tinee. U r stoopid. But I can’t take baths no mo. Letzmakeup. Frum Taryseh.
Jacqui points out that she didn’t say anything nice about Melissa. But it’s dat bitch’s fault! She broke her hawt! Jacqui tries to give her good advice, but Teresa is getting pissed that no one cares how she feels. But Jesus says to forgive so she forgives Midget. But not that hooah Melissa! They’re both stupid and if everyone was like Teresa the world would be a better place. If everyone was like Teresa, we’d be in another Depression cuz everyone would be living in free mansions and shit. Jacqui tries to get her to see that maybe she could at least pretend that she likes Melissa and take some blame, but Teresa is digging around in her purse so she can answer her bedazzled bberry in the middle of their conversation. It seems to just be dawning on Jacqui that Teresa’s fucking hopeless. Without someone to flip tables at, it’s becoming wonderfully apparent how fucking stupid the Neanderthal is.
Jacqui explains empathy, but Teresa can’t stop saying Midge is mean and he started it. Writing the letter takes all damn day and finally Jacqui stops trying to help. Just draw some poop on a paper and deliver the f ing thing. She drives Ter to the Gorgaoyle’s spec house. On the way, she goes off about how her idiot brother needs to change but she doesn’t wanna change him. Jacqui gives advice on how to have a peaceful conversation, and Teresa says if she’s attacked she’s gonna attack back. LOL! She’s so fucking stupid. Love it. She needs to have a Judge show.
Sad scary music plays as she goes up to the front door to leave the envelope in their front door. Midge and Smell find the note when they get home from jogging, and Midge refuses to read it. He’s pissed that she would try to make him read. “I decided to wrote you this letter…” and it only goes downhill from there. Midge says Teresa hurt the fambly and he doesn’t want any part of this. Mel asks if he’s willing to never speak to Teresa again, and he says that if she stays an asshole then yes but if she changes back to the seventeen year old in the bathtub, he’d consider it.
Meh. If this show can’t produce a Christening every week, I’m bored. Next week, Teresa complains about her brother more. F.
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43 Comments
Somewhere in LA, Ashley stalks up to Flipit, staring him down with her hands at her waist.
“You told Jacqui to beat ME?!
All my life I had to fight. I had to fight my daddy, I had to fight my brothers (twice a year.) A girl child just ain’t safe in a family full of men. I tell you, Flipit. I loves my mom, God knows I do. But I’ll kill her dead before I let her beat me!”
I always thought Albie was gay but nothing confirmed it for me more than when his friend, “Big Gay Greg”, showed up. BGG brought his dog along, a frou-frou pup dressed up in a pink sweater. He breezily addresses Caroline. “I’m moving in,” he says, his voice betraying the slightest hint of a challenge. Behind his sunglasses, his eyes are like daggers.
Watch what happens.
Am I cynical to believe that Teresa didn’t write the first part of the note and was just reading a producer’s email on her Blackberry? Either that or she’s illiterate. No way her reading would be that stilted had she written it. But knowing Teresa, she would just say, “English isn’t my first language. I spoke Italian well up until Kindergarten.”
To be fair, Teresa was a buyer at Macy’s. This was a coveted position. At least, for all the merchandising students at FIT. They believe they’ll wield ultimate power by selecting clothes from manufacturers to be sold by the rack full, the quantities at their discretion. It’s all good, until shit has to be marked down. “If these clothes don’t sell, you’re out on your ass. But you can tell people that you retired to have children. I’ll back you up.”
I’ll say this, watching Teresa write a letter? Boring. Watching Kathy talk with a curled upper lip? Slightly more entertaining,..but still boring. I hope we don’t have to dwell on this christening beef for the entire season. It seems to me, and if Gia’s sense of foreboding is to be considered, that fighting is nothing new to Teresa and her fambly. So, please Tre, let’s stop acting like this is something new and you’re embarrassed and just jump back in the ring for round two! We can’t wait ‘till you get to the Dominican Republic. We want to see fights..now! The last thing we need is for you to get all classy on us.
Tre, you’re the only Housewife who’s ever grunted and tossed Andy like a salad. Or flexed, growled, and flipped tables. What would we do without you? The high road? Pfft. Overrated. Stick to what you do best and act a damn fool. Thanksloveyoukbye.
OMG…I didn’t think I could hate Teresa any more than I already did…but now I hate her even more. I wanted Greasy Chef to throw a meatball at her for being rude. She has no clue how rude and nasty she is and then tells everyone how wonderful she really is. No Teresa…you are a nasty slag!!! This is where Miss Andy should have sneaked attacked the bitch and brought back Danielle.
I want to see Albee and Big Gay Greg have it off. I’m a gay man…I want this to happen. Make it happen Miss Andy!
Why are they wasting any screen time over MoonPieFace…aka Assley. I nominate Caroline to just go slap her.
The Midget makes The Situation look normal. Love Jersey Shore…Love Jersey Housewives. Even Snooki would call Teresa a stupid bitch.
The whole Kathy crawling to Carolone for approval was hard to watch. Since when does anyone need to be validated by the mini Brando? It was funny to hear that she’s not really good friends with Teresa.
Kathy is nice…but Miss Andy has to bring back Danielle and her square tits.
The universe has righted itself…I hate Teresa again! Thank goodness. These last two weeks of feeling bad for her was really scary. Can we just skip all this christening shit – it’s been done to death – and jump to when Caroline completely loses it on Teresa. You can see it building and I have a feeling she’s just going to explode.
I was really hoping I would like Joe Gorga. He’s making it so hard to find a redeeming quality. I mean really? popping a zit? Ugh…. so gross. He must be in financial trouble – she would have been giving it up if he was rolling in it. All these gold diggers start refusing once the cash dries up.
I imagine in real life, Kathy might have called or emailed Caroline to say she was sorry she tried to talk to Tre at the Brownstone. I am hoping (fingers crossed, because I like Kathy) that it was the producers that made that happen. Obviously, a normal email or phone call does not make for good reality tv. Caroline wrote on her blog that she thought it was weird that Kathy tried to talk to her first and not T or her Aunt.
The producers really want Caroline to be the “mob mama holding a fractious family together with tough love and marinara sauce.” That’s why whenever a spat happens, everybody runs to Caroline. Whether it makes any sense to do so or not. She has to be given a chance to do her Brando impression, and huff and puff, etc. She runs her mouth more and does less than almost any reality TV character I’ve seen, and that’s saying something in a medium almost completely driven by bloviators.
I wish the producers wouldn’t plant gross dialogue like Joe’s “popping a zit” crap. We get, Bravo! He’s a disgusting pig, like all the fake mobsters in this fambly. And when he talks about sex, he’s gross. Just like Juicy his brother. We get it! So stop trying to make us puke just for the hell of it, Bravo.
Ok, I’m finally caught up on this stupid show. And my mouth is hanging open. I didn’t think it was possible for anyone in Teresa’s family to be more unlikable than her, but here we go. MidgetJoe is awful. He caused the whole problem at the christening and seems have to NO awareness of this fact. So Ter was being a little fake for the cameras, so what? Smile, say thank you, give her an air kiss and go back to your meal. The fact that I have to side with Ter and Juicy on something is shocking. What has Melissa said on her blog? Does she realize at all that her husband causes a lot of problems? Or is she blaming Ter for everything? I’d read it myself, but I think it would nauseate me.
I will say in fairness to Teresa, I have her first cookbook and it is very good. The info on spices alone makes it worth it. I’m going to get her second one out of the library to see if there any good recipes. Joe’s balls looked good in the picture…
I really wonder about the gene pool that cold produce Teresa and MidgetJoe. What’s the average IQ in that fambly? It’s kinda sad.
As for Assley, there’s no hope there. No matter what the parents do, she’s going be a lazy ass. They better hope she marries rich and never has to do work in her life.
As for Caroline, she keeps saying she’s proud of her sons, but for what? Are they even working? how can they afford an apartment? the younger son has the work ethic of Assley – I hope those two never get together b/c the parents will have to support them forever.
So to sum up, although Teresa is a moron, and I think Melissa is proba a Grade A Beeyotch, I blame that family’s problems on MidgetJoe. He’s that really bad combo of crazy and stupid. Who else thinks he’ll end up in jail someday?
The ingredientses in this show are stupidity, unawareness, douchiness, ignorance, and crassness. Theresa doesn’t know all those other fancy ingredientses like politeness, knowledge, education, grammar, or decency. Gwaaad, she doesn’t even like the tasteses of those ingredientses.
“A session with Diane Fossey” Hehe..love it! Hmmm..i beat the english language to death with a bat all the time, but i moved to America in my thirties, what’s Theresas excuse?? Infact, tvgasm’s recappers and witty commentators has broadened my vocabulary and grammar immensely. My husband will ask me where i picked a certain word up, and i’ll tell him honestly…cnn news. Anyways, Theresa is the most interesting character so far and i lovehate her. The others seem kind of bland and act as supporting actors of Thersas storyline. Very funny recap!
Flipit you are one of the major ingredientzes to my having any sanity left. And, I thank you Sir. These lame bitches, OTOH…. I thought it was going to be a great season with Tre’s fambly giving her shit but it the same thing over and over and over. One’s more knuckleheaded than the other. They’re too busy pounding on furniture to actually talk to each other and say, “Hey, I’m upset wit ‘cho. We gotta tawk.” The Manzo/Lauritas on the other hand have me bored shitless. Caroline, no one cares about your dimwit sons. Give Lauren some attention now and get off your fucking high horse. Jacqueline should send Ashley to her dad in Texas and maybe she’ll realize how good she really has it with the Lauritas. In the meantime it nothing interesting,nothing new. Same old boring shit. That’s pretty bad since we’re only on episode 3. But I’ll never give up on your lovely recaps Flipit. Keep ‘em coming!
You told Jacqui to beat ME?!
All my life I had to fight. I had to fight my daddy, I had to fight my brothers (twice a year.) A girl child just ain’t safe in a family full of men. I tell you, Flipit. I loves my mom, God knows I do. But I’ll kill her dead before I let her beat me!”
Sarcasatire, you KILLS me!
How did I miss this episode? Did it come on yesterday? Too many HW on at the same time-wonderfully deliriously hard to keep up!
I can’t wait till Ashley pulls out Joe’s weave.
GAWD I love your recaps. I have to say I’m more into the season that I thought I would be, but The Christening (yes, you must use caps) is beginning to give me the same headache that The New York Incident did on RHOBH. Three shows in and it makes me wanna stab someone already.
I lost it at Ingredientseseseses though. Gonna be hard to top that one.
I am generally against violence. However, I will make an exception for Ashley. If that lazy, whiny bitch got a true whupping, it could be on Pay Per View. Or, let us all have a chance at her in a dunking booth and give the money to charity.
Ashley in a dunking booth. Now that’s a good idea. That would raise ALOT of money. Where’s the boyfriend this season? Maybe he gave up on her whiny ass. She was blond on WWHL the other night.
just how closely related are teresa and fmidgets mom and dad? this amount of stupid cannot be normal even in jersey.
of course i meant, “stooooopid”
Let’s see, so far Teresa has spoiled the Christening, her hubby and Midget Joe’s relationship, Midget Joe’s relationship with his “Fautter”, Kathy’s first impression with Caroline, and Meli’s loss of sexual appetite. Boy, Teresa sure has been busy.
No way did Teresa write the first part of the letter to her brother.
As for the “fabulicious” photography scene–awesome. The rudeness of having a private conversation on speaker phone while wasting everyone else’s time is unbelievable, it assumes everyone is interested in your shit–it made me uncomfortable and I wasn’t even there. The language abortion is the worst. I love it.
As far as the food goes, did you notice when Teresa tasted the chicken, she then had to swallow it down with a drink? Such a small bite requiring half a glass of water(?) to help it go down is not good. The chicken should be moist enough to not need an immediate quencher. It does not inspire confidence in her food.
Who would not want to be friends with termessa.So many nice qualities and talents.Such a ray of sunshine and fun so polite.Just thethingas anyone would want if a friend.How can anyone be near her for more then a few seconds without throwing up.A miserable wench. I trully believe they had Haloween at home because they new they are unwanted in the area.The poor contractors and workers that she did not pay makes me sick and they go on so innocent.
One more thought any couple that says they do it all the time is LYING.Those who are having a great sexual relationship do not have to have it validated all the time.I say roid damage.The last housewife from where ever bragged how much they are doing it like high School kids gets divorced right after the season.I can’t count how many of these housewives brag about sex life .Then later comes out they never have sex.The only person on the show getting alot of sex is Albie from his new roomate.Does greg have to pay Caroline for rent or does he get free deal from the Meso Fambly.
Caroline who would listen to a person who gave advice and talks to people like they are three.Another BRAVO trainwreck.There station motto should be we don’t how many kids we mess up.
Caroline’s Godmother act is ridiculous. When Kathy showed up at her house nearly groveling and thanking her for giving her time of day I kept imagining that this is the dialogue going through Caroline’s head:
Kathy: I didn’t want to get into trouble
Caroline: I understand. You found paradise with a soup slurping Lebanese-American, you have crazy eyes, you ride a bicycle. And you didn’t need a friend like me. But now you to my husband’s place of business and ask me to like you for a TV show.
Kathy: I ask for justice
Caroline: Kathy, Kathy. What have I ever done make you treat me so disrespectfully? If you’d come to me with a way of making my storyline less boring, then this neanderthal scum that left a hole in your midget cousin’s heart would be suffering this very day.
Too bad that they didn’t get as far as the “some day, and this day may never come” part, but I suspect Kathy was hoping that was the direction the conversation would go. I’m sure there are going to be other chances…Caroline is going to lose it soon, I think.
PS: If I were Ashleigh, I would start worrying if aunt Caroline suddenly asking to take the boat out on the lake…she’s got Fredo written all over her.
“Hungry or Fat: Your Choice Just Please Shut The Fuck Up About It Already”
Flipit, it has taken me 10 minutes to stop laughing long enough to comment – and am hoping upon hopes that you pursue this proposed book idea…so so glad you’re back!
Poor Theresa, she should have stopped at her brother’s house for some cumming, cause the word on the street is he’s so full of it he’s being poisioned as we speak!
“What do I gotta do to make words come outta this thing?”
Hilarious !!!
Oh, Flipit – I wuv you and your recaps!! Could Teresa be more of an idiot? Every day with her must be like a trip to idiot island! Kudos for the folks at the photo shoot for not laughing like mofos in her face while stuffing her in a hot oven. I am not Italian, but as a woman and someone who has lived in Jersey, my vagina is embarassed that we are the same gender. Raise your hand if you wanted Carolyn to do her patented head cock and then slap the face off of Teresa’s face! C’mon, higher!!
Oh, and Carolyn, about Albie – I think you will need to get “My two daddies” book to read to your beautful asian granddaughter Ming Ba Manzo. Just sayin’…
I would pay that psychic extra if she would tell Jacquelyn that she sees someone throwin’ Assley a beatin’ and then her becoming a CEO of a thriving company. Because that is the only way that dynamic improves. What is with these broads and psychics?
Kathy – nice try to pull one over on Carolyn. Please try to avoid soup eating in your family cause that was nauseating.
Things I do not want to see on my TV – Joe Gorga’s description of sex or sexual prowess of any kind, Teresa’s attempts to write, and Kim D -Cryptkeeper.
Did anyone notice that the asian woman elbowed the other woman when Theresa said “ingredientses?” I thought I imagined it so I backed it up and she absolutely does it! I love how they are mocking her.
I’m coming a bit late to this recap, but I’m still catching up with my shows. Thanks for a great recap, Flipit!
Ashley. Ugh. “Waaaah. My mom married into a wealthy family that’s nice to me.” Home girl would not have lasted a day with my stepfather.
Best line of the episode? “Delores has seen things!”
@flipit I like stupid men too.!
actually Juicy Joe, called the brother in law, a “fidget” not a midget.
Oh, and please remember, when bashing their language skills, that Italian was thier first language.
Oh, and it’s not “Ter” it’s “TREE”. that what juicy calls her.
@Diane Marie-If I remember correctly from last season, Italian is not their main language. Theresa was born in the States and she said she didn’t speak Italian fluently. Juicy, I have no idea, I believe he was born here too. Italian is NOT their first language. They had a rough time in Italy with the language. They do not speak it fluently AT ALL. I know enough to converse and when I hear it spoken, I can translate it. However, I cannot speak it really AT ALL.
My grandmother and grandfather never taught my father and they refused to. They liked to swear at all of their (grand)kids in Italian and make them wonder what they were saying. When Nanny swore at my brother and I in Italian, it was time to get out of there FAST.
Also, her name is TERESA nor TREESA. It is some nickname like every girl names Teresa gets.
Anyway, great recap Flip! I am still waiting for Mamma Manzo to lay the smack down on Teresa. Caroline looked like she wanted to strangle her during the reunion. I think Caroline is looking to unleash the inner mob princess in her on someone since her boys left her. I hate to say but I cannot WAIT for it. To see Teresa’s face when Caroline inevitably calls her “gah-bidge” will be EPIC.
I am not all that sad Jacqui is kind of on the back burner now. Too bad, so sad. This Guidice drama is more entertaining than Ashley.
Great recap again Flipit!
@Snootchy Bootches: I DID notice that!!
I believe both Teresa and Juicy Joe’s parents are first generation immigrants who are more comfortable speaking Italian. Teresa is always going on about how Italian was her first language and the only language she spoke til she was 5 and in kindergarten. I think its the same for Midget and Juicy Joe, though Midget Joe’s Italian is probably not as good as Teresa’s. Everyone else is Italian American and doesn’t speak it. remember how bitter Caroline was when they were in Italy and Joe and Teresa’s parents were speaking Italian non stop.
@cupacake, you are right. Teresa said she didn’t learn English until kindergarten. But that still gives her 12 years to perfect the language, provided college isn’t in the plans. There’s really no excuse. Even if she spoke Italian as a child at home and with relatives, it sure didn’t seem as if she was comfortable with the language while in Italy, Tre spoke in a halting Italian dialect. And, even worse, halting English. (The O-Bee-duh comes to mind.) I may forgive Teresa for not knowing how to pronounce ‘bidet’ but I won’t forgive her not knowing the plural term for ‘ingredients.’
@Flipit, the Beethoven/Cujo comparison was genius! I love the way you think. Caroline is definitely Beethoven with the fambly but turns to Cujo anytime there’s conflict. “Not at the Brownstone! Never at the Brownstone!”
As I recall, Teresa did go to college, though I am sure no college wants to take credit for her. My grandmother moved here when she was nineteen, she talks with a heavy accent and pronounces words with a European flare all the time–but she has never made up words or spoken like an ignorant floozy that never made it past the sixth grade (and I feel like I am disrespecting sixth graders everywhere with this comparison). Once you add the nasal, whiny tone, and the non-existent control she has of her anger, maybe a third grader is a better comparison (once again, apologizing to all third graders everywhere).
My family and I are first generation immigrants and there is a big difference between having arrived in the U.S. not knowing English as an adult/teenager than as a little kid. I was in my teens and my accent has never quite gone all the way while my Spanish stayed as that of a native speaker. My little sister came when she was 6 and within a year she was speaking English more with fluently than any of us and without an accent. She also lost ability to speak Spanish as a native speaker even though we only spoke Spanish at home. Don’t get me wrong she is still fluent but she has a bit of American accent, uses expressions translated directly from English, and feels a little more comfortable in English than Spanish.
I’ve seen the same with many cousins and other friends. So, I don’t buy the excuse that Teresa can use having spoken only Italian until age 5 to excuse her mangling of English. She went through an English-speaking school system from the start.
@Diane Marie: The only quicker way to become disliked than by posting multiple “here’s what you did wrong” corrections is by passing along an STD.
I want Kathy to release a cookbook. All of her food looks delicious!
I didn’t mean to say I buy her excuse for her craptastic English skills, just that I think she and Joe and Midget Joe all have some degree of Italian which I like and respect grudgingly. I can’t say if it’s great or not I don’t speak italian but it’s probably on par with how many of my Spanish speaking friends speak Spanish, i.e. they can converse very very conversationally in their dialect but they could never take instruction or even read it at a degree of proficieny.
I think the fact that Joe and Teresa’ parantes are from Italy as oppossed to Italian Americans whose parents or grandparents of great-great grandparents emigrated here years ago, is maybe part of Midget Joe’s problem. They were probably not going to gel well with anyone their precious only son married but the fact that she isn’t apart of what I assume is a tigh knit community of recent immigrants from their region in Italy makes her an outsider, and they probably aren’t very cmfortable at her home or with her (Melissa’s) family, which is exacerbated by the fact that one family probably speaks the Italian/English equivalent of Spanglish when they get together while the other has no familiarity with that language outside of slang terms and curses
Mel is stil kind of evil and her watchdog sisters annoy, but I’m not buying that Teresa is innocent or that the whole issue is just her dislike of Melissa.
Melissa and her husband Joe are hard to watch. Melissa bashes Tre every times she is on the air.
Tre won the popularity contest on live vegas with Caroline.