Real Housewives of New Jersey: Swimming For Peace

Recaps

By ChickBomb | Saturday, May 19, 2012 | 11:48 pm | 17 Comments
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Posted in: Real Housewives of New Jersey, Recaps

Well, back to the Real Housewives of New Jersey where the talk of the town is THE SOLSTICE PARTY. Everyone is retelling the story to their husbands, and no one says anything surprising. “I find it all parochial,” sniffs the sophisticated wordsmith Al Manzo. The only thing Mel has done to Ter that’s so terrible is being a younger, prettier version of her and that’s Ter’s problem, muses Caroline with her signature, smug “I’m just staying out of it!” smile.

Over in the Wakile car, Lebanese Dilbert thinks Kat should have been done with Ter a long time ago. Oh, is that the “old school” way? Kat simpers that she doesn’t want Ter to feel ganged up on, which I actually believe sort of does bother Kat, and Dilbert says that reality is “whatever’s in her little pea brain.”

As opposed to what’s going on in your watermelon sized brain. Hey, isn’t it about time to check in with the Vice Chairman of Floor Mopping at your gas station?

Lebanese Dilbert does make a logical point that Kat is trying to recapture a relationship that isn’t there anymore and for all the time she’s spending being the “peacemaker” – although, hold on just a minute there Dilbert, I wouldn’t exactly call bringing up in every conversation how you just want the drama to end a true peacemaking bid, but I guess she’s not as bad as some people. 

Who me? I’m just staying out of it. I have that luxury.

Anyway, for all the time she’s spending pretending to be a peacemaker, Ter is burning every bridge. Then he says that even though his arm is close to him, if it had cancer he would cut it off. So, Teresa is skinny Italian cancer. Well, none of this matters because the Wakiles throw an annual End of School Year Party, which is surely be destined to become the END OF SCHOOL YEAR PARTY.

And hey, in the interest of everyone getting along, why don’t we invite Ter and Mel who totally fucking hate each other’s guts? Swimming will bring everyone together, she enthuses. Despite the promise of a big fight and lots of camera time, Lebanese Dilbert is still not on board with this idea. He does not want his kids to be embarrassed by Guidice / Gorga infighting. It’s cool for them to talk about their sex life on TV though, that’s not embarrassing for kids or anything.

Duh, the cameras mean we’re invisible! How come no one gets that? Everyone’s so “new school”.

And let’s the intercut Gorga v. Guidice take on THE SOLSTICE PARTY. Ter is making the bed while Brown Smurf is, of course, working out so that the viewers of America know what a fit badass he is. He looks like a little round pig punching a bag. Not cute. And just when I thought it couldn’t get more disgusting, he enters the bedroom and informs Ter that he has to take “a dumper”. Oh, stop. You’re killing me with class. I mean, killing me.

It’s time to be filled in. Ter mispronounces the event as the “Solstist” party. Then she informs Brown Smurf that her brother put everything five steps backwards with THE GOLDDIGGER scandal. Brown Smurf brushes it off by calling Mel “horsy face” and theorizing that she was perhaps a horse in a past life. So, we’re definitely off to another intelligent discussion with the Brown Smurf.

Ter proudly recounts how she demanded an apology, to which Smurfy replies, “Who cares about that tramp?” and informs Ter that he know so many guys that “went with her”. Well! I’m not surprised to hear Mel’s a popular girl, but hello, rude to say to America.

Then Ter brags about how out of control Mel was getting in the parking lot and how she was the calm, collected one, simply inquiring of Mel why she was screaming when there were people around. Um, and cameras. And you were screaming too. Don’t make me quote Lebanese Dilbert on the pea brain, please, cause that’s just painful.

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17 Comments

  1. 1
    Wasabipeas wasabipeas
    Posted May 20, 2012 at 5:39 am

    LOVED this episode, and Joe Guidice does look like a little pig!
    Great recap!

  2. 2
    NapaNonnie
    Posted May 20, 2012 at 9:20 am

    Loved the recap. What was that instrument of torture in the bedroom that looked like something from the inquisition that brown smurf was stretching his legs apart with while trashing “horseface” Mel, ” butchy boy” Ro, et al? That was a laugh. He has a gym, why not use it there.. Is it something they can use as a “marital aid” as they used to say in the old days? Oh i know it’s left over from his days as a world class gymnast before he started knocking out his teeth during his drunken routine.

  3. 3
    featherhead
    Posted May 20, 2012 at 9:36 am

    I hope butchy boy kicks juicy right in the junk! He totally deserves it, then everyone can call him Josephine!

  4. 4
    Beyoncca
    Posted May 20, 2012 at 10:47 am

    Joe Guidice always says the meanest things about Theresa’s family. I noticed when Theresa and Joey were arguing at the pool party, Theresa said “Joey You’ve Changed”, Joey said “How?” Theresa said ” Your used to be at my house like, all the time, now you never come around”. I thought Joey handled her well, because I would have went ballistic. Theresa seems to be the hardest woman to talk to, with constant contradictions, and double talk, double standards and outlandish lies. I’ve been watching since the beginning and have caught Theresa telling plenty of lies. I wish the best for the Guidice’s and Gorga’s and Wakile”s they all seem to be great families.

  5. 5
    NikkiHughes
    Posted May 20, 2012 at 11:33 am

    “I want to be the glue on the outside so everything falls apart and sticks to the floor.”

    That made cackle very loudly….bwaahaahaahaa

  6. 6
    hot cawfee
    Posted May 21, 2012 at 4:15 am

    Chicky B has the Critterfur love !!!!!!!

  7. 7
    hot cawfee
    Posted May 21, 2012 at 4:35 am

    Awesome recap my ChickyB!!

    OOOOOOOOOOO–where to begin ??? I have to start with Caro’s 80′s poodle perm–you style maven you!! Took me back–but disconcerting–the jar of Icy Hot on the table–is that better than Desetin for diaper rash??? The more you know!! shooting star

    Joe Guidice and Tre-sigh……I miss first season Guidices with “Happy Wife, Happy Life”, loopy but harmless Tre and full on Miliania–the kid doesnt disappoint.
    But how Teresa can twist and spin a conversation-shades of Danielle Staub-that is on tape for all to see is showing more delusion in her head.
    She doesnt seem to ‘get’ the fact that when people marry, they become a spouse and an in-law and then become parents and aunts and uncles etc. Relationships change. I adore my brother and if I dont especially like my sis-in-law, then I suck it up b/c she is a great mom to the kids and makes my brother happy. His marriage isnt about me—nor is mine about my brother.

    Doesnt Dina get along with anyone???? I miss her–shocked to say—-and I think her daughter Lexi is awesome. I hope they are at (and let me quote Caro) “My brother’s gay wedding”

  8. 8
    hot cawfee
    Posted May 21, 2012 at 4:38 am

    OK babies–and also- I was at Uncle Guiseppe’s in Smithtown trying to see Caro and Jaxx. I stood on line for over a half hour and no luck!!!!! No luck and no Black Water sample for me. I am shocked that there are so many people on LI who watch the show and are looking to meet them!!
    I was very disappointed—closest I got was the guy wearing his Black Water tee-shirt—and not the cool one that Jaxx wears on the show.

  9. 9
    featherhead
    Posted May 21, 2012 at 8:51 am

    @hot cawfee – thanks for trying! My friend was shopping at Uncle G’s at 11 am (she doesn’t watch the Howives) anyway she said they were setting up – appearance @ 1pm and there was already a huge line formed.

  10. 10
    trkaelin
    Posted May 21, 2012 at 9:09 am

    Since when is a margarita a “high maintenance” drink??? Isn’t Sangria more involved? Unless they got it pre-made from one of those jugs. Margaritas are pretty straightforward, no nonsense. I would expect them to be the staple of any pool party. Especially at a kids end of the school year party.

  11. 11
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted May 21, 2012 at 11:15 am

    I’m gonna say it: This episode, when Joe Gorga was talking to Tre…I actually thought he was hot!

    Oh GAWD! I need a 12 step.

  12. 12
    MrsMiaWallace
    Posted May 21, 2012 at 5:21 pm

    Wonderful recap CB! I too loved the glue comment!

    @ trkaelin, thank you! Exactly what I was thinking, making a traditional sangria is a huge pain and takes soaking or something. Jug o Margarita is pretty simple.

    On another extremely petty and irksome note, when the Manzos kittens were mewling about “how are we gonna get home?” I felt my brain melt. I can only assume it was a bad joke that the editors felt like leaving in because obviously the kids rode together to the lot. In a car. Two cars came to the dealership and the new car leaves. Now there are three adult kids and two cars that need to be driven home. Lauren lives with her parents. So she can drive their car to their house. They drive the new car. The boys ride out on the horse they rode in on. It is driving me nuts and I don’t know why! Those kids are so stupid and worthless!

  13. 13
    someguy
    Posted May 21, 2012 at 7:09 pm

    Great recap as always. I thought brown smurf’s end of the work out kick to the bag was great. That kick would land right on the shin of a normal size person,Powerful move Joe really bad ass. Sad to say I think we did see all the kids friends at the pool party.

  14. 14
    baymenxpac
    Posted May 22, 2012 at 11:49 am

    wait wait wait…there were at uncle guiseppe’s in smithtown?! my town?! 5 seconds from my office building?! HOW DID I MISS THIS?!

  15. 15
    labowner
    Posted May 22, 2012 at 1:05 pm

    Do we forget whose house we are at? I am going to assume Miss Kathy homemaker made the sangria before and all one had to do was pour.

  16. 16
    annie Annie
    Posted May 22, 2012 at 2:16 pm

    I think Tre requested a blended margarita rather than on the rocks (were there even margaritas there–I dunno) and when there wasnt any she just seemed pissed. Anyway, Melissa should have just kept the comment to herself.

    Duuuude yes, Joey did look pretty smokin’ at that pool party. WHAT HAS GOTTEN INTO ME?!

    Once again, Rosie continues to the the bomb

  17. 17
    annie Annie
    Posted May 22, 2012 at 4:09 pm

    * Rosie continues to be the bomb

    …sheesh

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