Well, back to the Real Housewives of New Jersey where the talk of the town is THE SOLSTICE PARTY. Everyone is retelling the story to their husbands, and no one says anything surprising. “I find it all parochial,” sniffs the sophisticated wordsmith Al Manzo. The only thing Mel has done to Ter that’s so terrible is being a younger, prettier version of her and that’s Ter’s problem, muses Caroline with her signature, smug “I’m just staying out of it!” smile.
Over in the Wakile car, Lebanese Dilbert thinks Kat should have been done with Ter a long time ago. Oh, is that the “old school” way? Kat simpers that she doesn’t want Ter to feel ganged up on, which I actually believe sort of does bother Kat, and Dilbert says that reality is “whatever’s in her little pea brain.”
As opposed to what’s going on in your watermelon sized brain. Hey, isn’t it about time to check in with the Vice Chairman of Floor Mopping at your gas station?
Lebanese Dilbert does make a logical point that Kat is trying to recapture a relationship that isn’t there anymore and for all the time she’s spending being the “peacemaker” – although, hold on just a minute there Dilbert, I wouldn’t exactly call bringing up in every conversation how you just want the drama to end a true peacemaking bid, but I guess she’s not as bad as some people.
Who me? I’m just staying out of it. I have that luxury.
Anyway, for all the time she’s spending pretending to be a peacemaker, Ter is burning every bridge. Then he says that even though his arm is close to him, if it had cancer he would cut it off. So, Teresa is skinny Italian cancer. Well, none of this matters because the Wakiles throw an annual End of School Year Party, which is surely be destined to become the END OF SCHOOL YEAR PARTY.
And hey, in the interest of everyone getting along, why don’t we invite Ter and Mel who totally fucking hate each other’s guts? Swimming will bring everyone together, she enthuses. Despite the promise of a big fight and lots of camera time, Lebanese Dilbert is still not on board with this idea. He does not want his kids to be embarrassed by Guidice / Gorga infighting. It’s cool for them to talk about their sex life on TV though, that’s not embarrassing for kids or anything.
Duh, the cameras mean we’re invisible! How come no one gets that? Everyone’s so “new school”.
And let’s the intercut Gorga v. Guidice take on THE SOLSTICE PARTY. Ter is making the bed while Brown Smurf is, of course, working out so that the viewers of America know what a fit badass he is. He looks like a little round pig punching a bag. Not cute. And just when I thought it couldn’t get more disgusting, he enters the bedroom and informs Ter that he has to take “a dumper”. Oh, stop. You’re killing me with class. I mean, killing me.
It’s time to be filled in. Ter mispronounces the event as the “Solstist” party. Then she informs Brown Smurf that her brother put everything five steps backwards with THE GOLDDIGGER scandal. Brown Smurf brushes it off by calling Mel “horsy face” and theorizing that she was perhaps a horse in a past life. So, we’re definitely off to another intelligent discussion with the Brown Smurf.
Ter proudly recounts how she demanded an apology, to which Smurfy replies, “Who cares about that tramp?” and informs Ter that he know so many guys that “went with her”. Well! I’m not surprised to hear Mel’s a popular girl, but hello, rude to say to America.
Then Ter brags about how out of control Mel was getting in the parking lot and how she was the calm, collected one, simply inquiring of Mel why she was screaming when there were people around. Um, and cameras. And you were screaming too. Don’t make me quote Lebanese Dilbert on the pea brain, please, cause that’s just painful.