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Wednesday, May 12, 2010
10:00 am
53 Comments
Welcome back to New Joisey, Gasmii!
I love it there. I’ve had some majorly over the top moments at my buddy Tobie’s house in Long Branch and even had some run-ins with a few coked out Syrian Jewish guys on a yacht in Deal. As a matter of fact, even my avatar can attest to my love/hate of the Garden State. The pic was taken at Tobie’s pool before a night of naked Truth or Dare. Don’t ask, cuz all I remember is waking up to find that I’d scratched by BF’s dick so bad he couldn’t go in the pool without shrieking in pain. So, for those of you that are new to my recaps, I’m a wallflower, obviously, and I have a thing for my manicures. That’s all you need to know, really. That, and I earn my fine joorey just like we gals have been earning it for centuries- on my knees.
I harbor no pretentions about who I am, unlike some of our Eye-talian brethren in Franklin Lakes. And I love making up new intros, I did it with O.C. and NYC, so why not Bergen County too?
If you think I’m a bitch, bring it on. Right after I hide behind my sister.
Look, bubbies!
If you mess with my family, you’re gonna get a meaningless veiled threat from me.
Everyone likes nice things, and I pretend not to brag about it, EVEN AS I FLAUNT IT ON TV.
You either love me or hate me, and if you have Beemer and some blow, I’m all yours.
To refresh your memory, last season was one long Danielle 50 car pile-up on the Garden State Parkway. Drama follows that woman like racism and homophobia follow the Guidice’s. We get a rehash of Jacqueline’s daughter’s talent for being a loser, the miscarriage-go-round sadness and the table flip heard round the world.
That was Teresa’s finest moment. Unforch, it’s all downhill from there. She hasn’t gotten any smarter and she still hasn’t gotten that forehead to a laser hair removal center. Color me surprised since it still looks like they haven’t spent any money on furniture to fill up that museum sized Shire Hobbit mansion of theirs. I don’t know how they pay for what they already have considering the fact that they live off the proceeds from one construction company when hardly anyone is building anything these days. Maybe they have some rental property, and maybe everything they DO have is from Rent-A-Center. What do I know? I don’t live beyond my means.
Whatever, we’ll get to her in a second but first, after the ever-ready wealth montage, we head straight to Jaqueline’s home movies from when she had baby #3. She and hubby Chris pull up to the hospital and holy Mary, mother of God, talk about ‘go big or go home.’
Someone took Shill’s motto too seriously!
I’m always amazed when I see a lady about to pop a baby out. I never had any children and I cannot imagine the stress your body endures from all th baby weight. it would be one thing to have it evenly distributed, but when it’s all out front it has to be murder on your back.
Jackwuhlin interviews that she got a fertility bracelet from Dina shortly before she got pregnant, and ta-dah! She didn’t miscarry! She had a cute little baby boy named Nicholas. Welcome to the world, little man, you are as cute as a button!
Say hello to the latest future carwash/gentleman’s club owner of northern New Jersey!
I’m so happy for them. I remember how upset she and Chris were at the doctor’s office last season. They love their kids, even if they do spoil Ashley too much. And how can you not love this touching moment when CJ shows affection by playing with his Jaqueline’s ear-
“I’m so glad you’re my Mommy and not Joker Face.”
Can you imagine what Danielle’s son would go through? It’s bad enough that her daughters have to live with a loose mother like her, but a boy? It’s almost a given that he’d be coming home with black eyes after defending Mom’s honor on the playground. Not that I have a problem with Joker Face being a slut. She can slut it up all she wants off-camera. I just think that her kids suffer. She should cool it until they’re grown.
One more thing until we say hi to Granny Wrinkles and her pet Dina. Remember when Teresa gave Sonia so much shit in her RHNYC guest blog? She called her a whore several times for talking about sex even though she has a young daughter. Well, Teresa, you probably don’t even realise it because the roots of your ample head of hair done ate your brains, but Sonia isn’t Danielle. THAT’S who you’re mad at. Leave Sonia alone. You know her about as well as you know your ABCs.
Over at Granny Wrinkles, Dina is shuffling around her cluttered and be-Buddha’d kitchen. There are enough religious artifacts in that house to fill up a shop at the Vatican. Every corner and countertop has some sort of hokey talisman sitting on it, and don’t get me started on the freaking table. There’s a Buddha the size of an SUV tire sitting right smack in the middle of it.
How do you eat breakfast in the morning, standing up?
Isn’t she Italian? I thought that dining tables were off limits for tchotchkes. You can put Virgin Mary’s on anything you like (including the toilet tank, in my Nona’s case) and cover every wall with praying Jesus paintings but the table is for that other Neapolitan religion- food.
She rambles on about her love for her bizarre kitties and here’s a refresher-
Grandma Wrinkles, aka a visual warning of what will happen to those that cross her.
And Ladybug, who wouldn’t look this way if Dina’s hubby ever left The Brownstone to bang her once in a while.
Four Four’s Winston aside, I am not a big fan of shaved kitties. As for Mr. McSlore- that’s another story. Tee hee.
I get a weird witchy vibe from Dina. I think that her cats are her familiars and she dabbles in more than just fertility bracelets. I’m willing to bet that she has some bizarre Sicilian concoctions in those cupboards for dealing with people like Danielle.
Plus, she has that slow speaking heavy eye-lidded demerol drawl that isn’t ususally found in nature unless you live next door to a poppy field. I wonder if she drinks valerian tea all day while measuring out anti-prostitution whore potions.
She says that she surrounds herself with positive energy and if anything upsets her, she gets rid of it. Is that what happened to her husband? He’s M.I.A. this season too, probably because he doesn’t want people prying into his world of catering deadlines and lunchtime blow jobs from pretty line cooks.
Or he didn’t like the way he looked on that bridezilla show he did with Dina and refuses to get dragged into this mess with the rest of his family. Smart, especially since Dina says that she’s forgiven Danielle. You know that won’t last, and neither will this lily white Pollyanna act she’s trying to pass off on us. She even dresses like Disney milkmaid.
I wish that I could just get rid of stuff that upsets me but I don’t have that luxury. I can’t dump gramps because he had another seizure today. I can’t throw the dogs I’m sitting out on the street because they are on my last nerve. I don’t have a couple million lying around so I can make things go away.
But I do get fucked regularly so I win!
It was sad to see her dragging her feet around in those Ladtbug slippers, turning off lights in empty rooms. I like her even if she does gossip and even though she ignored her desire for a loving companion in favor of a secure future for herself and her daughter. She’s hot and she has real lips. She’s a stern taskmaster (remember the benefit?) and she’s nobody’s fool. She just needs to stop letting Caroline treat her like a hothouse flower all the time. She doesn’t need to be protected like that. She’s a grown woman.
From the sublime to the absurd, it’s time to catch up with Bergen County’s answer to Alex Forrest, Danielle Staub. Is there any doubt that it’s her that is sending those threatening emails to Dina and vandalizing her mailbox? This woman is so mentally ill that they haven’t even come up with a term for her condition yet. We’ll go ahead and call it delusional dramaqueen stalkerazi narcissistic nymphomania, or whackjob for short.
Fueled by self righteous indignation and Virginia Slim Menthol’s, she’s heading off to see a priest and pray for all her enemies to turn up floating face down in the Wanaque Reservoir. The lies and resulting victimhood she carries around with her make her difficult to watch.
She meets with Father Richard because a friend suggested she speak to him for guidance. I’m not sure I understand, and I’m not Catholic so help me out here. If she’s such a devout person, wouldn’t she already have a priest and confidante? Why is she bothering a man she doesn’t know with gossip and Manzo trashing?
And why didn’t she burst into flames when the priest touched her?
He looks baffled as her voice rises and she complains about those people that have done her wrong, stuff that he doesn’t know and doesn’t care about. This begs another observation. This conversation would be better suited for a coffee klatsch-mate, not a man of God. I get the feeling that nothing else has worked to garner sympathy so now she’s pulling out the bug guns and trying to appear pious.
She makes sure to point out that Caroline doesn’t go to church every sunday, unlike her own holy panty dropping self. Father Richard asks her why she’s so concerned about what other people are saying about her, she says that she’s not and then she yells in the poor guy’s face about how lethal Caroline Manzo is. Oh, honey. You can’t push people’s buttons and then play the victim when they push back. It’s no wonder she hasn’t spoken to Mama Manzo or Dina since the reunion when Caroline called her garbage. And we all know that you weren’t ”baffled by how upset Caroline got.” You called Dina’s ex and tried to give him custody ammo against her. That’s pretty much common knowledge by now.
She asks him to teach her how to pray for them but he doesn’t fall for her nonsense. Instead, he tells her to forgive and move on. Not going to happen. She’s like a dog with a bone. She always has to have somewhere to focus her anger and blame for all her troubles, and this time it’s Caroline instead of Dina.
I’m trying really hard not to hate Joker Face, almost as hard as I’m trying to like Teresa. She’s at home with mountains of tomatoes and miles of jars for canning them. It’s the annual red sauce party and it’s full of racist and sexist commentary, oh my! So much for trying to like her.
She is heavily pregnant and enlisting the help of her parents who are straight out of the Old Country. Even Gia is helping because they have 180 jars to fill and they have to get it done before the school year starts. That’s a lot of freaking mason jars. I buy those every year for canning too, only I use about a dozen.
and mine didn’t fall off the back of a truck.
That would be funny if she read this and took what I said literally. “But if they fell, the’y be bro-in and roo-ind,” just like the “rah-in” bits she has Gia cut out of the tomatoes. The whole scene is busy and chaotic and it reminds me of the insanity of baking literally thousands of Christmas cookies when I was little of kneading one of my mother’s huge mounds of dough for her legendary German stollen bread. Fun, but a lot of hard work.
Teresa asks her Dad wheteher he thinks she’ll have a boy or a girl and he doesn’t know but Dina interviews that she hopes it isn’t a boy because Teresa will probably put feathers and sequins on the poor thing, making it look like one of the Village People. Not that there would be anything wrong with that. Teresa says that it’s okay if she turns her son gay, it’s just one more person to go shopping with!
Backtracking on the homophobia: Ur Doin’ It Wrong.
Oh, and in case you didn’t know, Teresa reminds us that she’s due in two weeks and all the girls are so excited for her “because unlike Danielle, I have friends.”
Yeah but unlike you, Danielle has a forehead.
Her parents don’t exactly seem like a barrel of laughs to me, and I noticed something strange about her papa. Look at his head. It looks like he took his hairline problem and solved it with a razor.
Dude, you coulda stopped a little sooner. Like four inches sooner.
Low Magnon tells her oldest that someday she’ll be doing this for her husband, and then tells her to marry a Jew because they cater to their wives.
Complimenting our Semitic friends: Ur Doin’ It Wrong.
I have zero doubt that what comes out of little Gia’s mouth next is equal parts parental handing down of racism and childhood fear of looking weird or being different. She says that she doesn’t want to marry a Jewish person because of the Payot sidecurls she’s seen some of their kids sporting.
Was that enough bullshit for you? No? Good, because there’s more. Teresa’s friend arrives to help out and the first thing out of Teresa’s mouth is whether or not she’s on her period. You see, you can’t make red sauce when you’re ragging because you could spoil the tomatoes with your nasty dirty bodily functions. Somehow this red fruit will get a whiff of your hormones and shrivel up into a rah-in pile of mush.
You have to wonder if they let some twelth century town idiot come up with these stupid ideas in the first place, and how stupid do you have to be to keep it alive? If we follow that logic, are men never allowed to make white sauce unless they’ve taken a vow of chastity? That is some of the dumbest crap ever.
We need a more positive moment to brighten things back up a bit and we get it in the form of a shopping trip to Barney’s men’s store in Manhattan. You probably noticed, as I did, that Caroline’s husband looked a lot thinner in the opening shot of their family. It turns out that he lost 70 pounds after getting a health scare and got fitted with a gastric band. The results are nothing short of amazing.
Before-
And after.
That could not have been easy, even with the surgical intervention. The guy works at a restaurant/catering business. There are tons of delicious morsels of mouth watering food around every corner, so kudos to him.
He tries some suits on and Caroline gets teary and calls him “beautiful.” I’m willing to bet that those tears have a good helping of relief in them. She had to be living with the fear of a heart attck on a daily basis, and feeling powerless to stop it.
Albie jokes that he lost three people in equivalent waist sizes and good for him. He looks like a new man and now Caroline can wrap her arms all the way around him instead of stopping halfway. She jokes that all the girls are going to want him now but they can’t have him, or borrow him, as he puts it. They finish up their shopping trip $9,000 lighter as well, but it’s all worth it to her.
Until he starts getting beej’s just like Dina’s hubby.
Uh-oh. I better not say stuff like that about such a thick as thieves famiglia. I don’t want to go missing all of a sudden. I’ll have to enter the Recapper’s Witness Protection Program and move to Greenland or something. It’s been a while since I heard from YentaPatrol, after all. I should be more careful so, shhhh. Don’t tell anybody I said that.
Back at Jaqueline’s house, she’s rocking little Nicholas in her arms and discussing Danielle with Chris. He’s had a change of heart this season and doesn’t want his wife to have anything to do with her. He brings up the fact that Jackie had the baby and never got a call or a text or even any flowers from Joker Face, but you know that he doesn’t want her hanging out with the town slut. People will talk.
She doesn’t let herself be railroaded by him and refuses to cut her out of her life completely. So there’s your plotline for the season- counting down the weeks until she sees the light and shuns Danielle like the rest of them.
Over at Casa Caveman, Teresa is getting Melania ready for her frst day of school. She’s only three but what could it hurt? Brains don’t grow on trees around here
and sucking down hairspray straight from the spray bottle doesn’t help either.
God, I hope that’s water.
Teresa whips out the camera and asks little Mel to do the ‘fabulous’ pose that seems to be a major part of the Giudice Diva in the Making repertoire. She does it and then throws attitude on her mother for missing it the first time.
Mommy’s little rah-in monster, how cute!
Juicy Joe is busy dragging trash cans up their driveway so he can get the hell away from all the girls in his house and dream of the day that his dimwitted wife gives him that boy he’s always wanted so he can hit up the New York leather bars with Juicy Jr.
and play with his pink ponies in peace.
How messed up was that? They showed him stuffing that stuffed animal into the trash can like his life depended on it. Is that his not so subtle message to the viewership that he’s none too happy with us casting aspersions on his manliness? Cuz I’m pretty sure there are plenty of little kids out there that would love to have that pony. Here’s hoping that Miss Andy pulled it out and then brushed it off before donating it to Dina’s Ladybug charity.
Dina says that this is Teresa’s last baby but that Joe wants to keep having them if he doesn’t get his boy. That can get mighty expensive. Low Magnon doesn’t exactly skimp on baby clothes. Did you see the pumps she put on her infant last week in some tabloid? Those probably cost more than my new irons.
Little Mel’s mommy is busy getting her sibling’s hair done so she has to pack her own lunch. That’s okay, she trots down to the pantry and shoves junk food into her lunchbox with abandon, then lies to her mom when she asks if she only grabbed one.
In this family, it’s considered brain food.
The poor little mouth breather inherited Mommy’s forehead in addition to the diva attitude. How sad. I don’t know which is worse, inheriting Teresa’s physical and mental charms or being saddled with the town joke for your mom, like Danielle’s kids.
They are with their mother at a boutique to do some school shopping that they can’t afford, so the owner lets them buy stuff on credit. Joker’s daughters are really pretty and I am terrified for them, even more so than I was with Slurry’s.
Go live with Crackie, trust me on this!
The store owner’s name is Kim and she says she’s been friends with danielle for a year and a half. That’s not very long in the grand scheme of things, but probably some kind of record for Danielle.
And a lot longer than she’s had those lips.
They look rather out of place outside of Orange County, too. The two of them start talking smack about Jackie and Caroline and Danielle’s oldest makes a bee line to the dressing room and out of earshot. Poor thing, how many times does she have to listen to this stupid shit?
They hold hands across the counter as Kim points out that she’s a good Sicilian girl for bringing pasta to her sick mother once. Yeah, I’m sure it was out of the kindness of her heart, not because she wanted to make herself look like a good Italian gal, just as good as those Manzo’s, dammit!
The whole scene feels staged and phony, like every single scene with Danielle. I’m not even sue that someone as insane as her should be on a TV show like this. Nothing good can come of it, yay!
There’s another story line brewing over at the Laurita household and it revolves around another child, Ashley. She 18, spoiled rotten and ill equipped to wipe her own ass, let alone move out. She managed to graduate high school, which her mother treats like an accomplishment instead of a requirement like it is for the other 99.999% of the American population.
She shows up with her equally brilliant boyfriend and his cute little dog, which Chris has forbidden her to have in the house. Her solution to this little problem is to hide it in her bathroom.
Is that any way to treat the person who took your GED test for you?
Chris and Jackie told her that if she didn’t like their rules, she can move out and that’s what she plans to do. She wants to live with a friend and take a semester off. A semester off from what? Not studying or working? You know how I feel about this. If not, let me refer you to my recaps of the O.C. season and the Curtain girl’s non-existent work ethic.
Chris is not happy about any of this, but tough shit. Why is it that she doesn’t know how to open a checking account? Why isn’t she paying for her own car? Why did she ignore your rules about the dog and brought him over anyway? People usually live up to the standards that you hold them to. Don’t spoil your kid and then act all shocked when she brings home a 23 year old dude that makes minimum wage at Blockbuster. If you made learning a priority in her life, she probably wouldn’t be dating some guy because all her friends think he’s hot.
And they have a point, if you like guys that bite their lips a lot and poop their pants around men that actually earn a living.
I will give Chris props for scaring the shit out of the guy with his little knife sharpening routine, even if it is all for show. But then, after he tells him that he doesn’t like the age difference because Ashley’s immature, he says that he knows what older guys like him have on their minds (sex) and I have one question.
18 year olds don’t?
His lecture turns out to be the same old recycled crap that every other lunkheaded male spews when a boy shows up on his territory. Nothing new here. Jackie asks if they are being “safe” and from the looks of them, I’m going to guess no. Ashley didn’t give a straight answer and the kid barely nodded ‘yes.’ Teen motherhood, here we go again!
Woman, take your daughter to the gynecologist and get her on the pill! What are you waiting for? It’s too late when the screaming baby comes along and your daughter’s Blockbuster heart-throb goes AWOL. Good luck finding her a decent guy then. Chris Laurita’s don’t grow on trees, even if they do swing from them.
The vignette is a boring visit to the ob-gyn with Teresa. It gives her an opportunity to avoid finding out the sex and to throw her sex life in our faces for the umpteenth time. WE GET, MADAM NEANDERTHAL, YOU FUCK A LOT. JOE ISN’T GAY. Moving on.
Caroline et al are having a big $1,000 a plate fundraiser at their house for the sheriff’s department. I assume that it’s going to involve huge trays of food, and the liberal distribution of those round F.O.P. stickers that I invariably see on the back end of yacht sized Lincolns and Buicks.
And by the looks of that necklace, witches and warlocks too.
Nice evil eye charm. Gee, I wonder who she got it from?
In order to prepare for this fiesta, Albert Sr. is making the boys clean up the dog shit in the backyard. Bravo just needs to put a pooper scooper on the payroll of all these shows. I’m sick of all the poop piles already, unless Teresa falls face first into one, that is.
Here comes another plot line for the season, the best friend dating the sister situation. Albie’s best friend and college roomie Vito is shtupping Lauren. Uh-oh. And that’s not all.
He’s stealing all of Albert’s uneaten helpings as well.
Who could resist? I’d be six sizes larger if I hung out with this family, let alone lived with them. How you don’t become enormous is beyond me.
It’s Danielle’s turn back on camera and she continues to be pathetic and shunned. She heads off to the beauty parlor, THE beauty parlor, the one where the book got passed around last year, to get a pedicure. She wonders why people can’t stand her but then she drops comments about how Dina used to stock shelves and do nails there like it was something to be ashamed of, but she’s “not here to judge.”
Nope, no judging here. Just trashing.
Please. Dina admitted that she struggled as a single mother and at least she worked to put food on the table instead of expecting free service from Rosa and putting expensive clothes on credit. Yikes.
Rosa starts filing down those hooves and then tells Danielle about the little soiree over at the Manzo’s. Joker Face says that she’d like to think that she wasn’t invited because of her present financial situation, but duh. Caroline can’t stand her and probably doesn’t want to have to clean any coke off her bathroom mirrors or spooge off the walls. Would you?
She says that she deserves an apology for the ‘garbage’ comment at the reunion, fast approaching LuLu and her ’countless’ fixation. She says that she exchanges texts with Dina but that Caroline is a big bully that needs to move forward like her sister is.
Do you believe that Dina wants to move forward with Danielle? I think Dina is playing all the angles. She wants to know what Joker is up to, so she isn’t blind sided again with another phone call to the ex. She’s no dummy.
Back at the Manzo’s Jaqueline and Chris arrive, to what? Jackie doesn’t know. They just handed a couple thou to Caroline and showed up, never asking what it was for. So stupid.
Being rich and stupid is so much fun!
Gee, how did Ashley get so brilliant? I guess we should just be thankful that she isn’t drawing stick figures on The Brownstone walls with her own poop.
They have provided a nice spread, complete with oysters on the half shell and miles of traditional Italian dishes. Lauren kisses Vito, says that he treats her like a queen, and then Albie walks up and she shoots him a look. He then lectures his poor sister on having a sense of humor about how shitty he’s handling the whole “best friend dating my sister” thing. Um, what the?
Yeah, my thoughts exactly, sistah.
Caroline says that she’s the middle on this issue because both of them are entitled to feel the way they feel, and if she’s like any of my traditional Italian relatives, she’ll eventually side with her son. I hope I’m wrong but we’ll see.
Meanwhile, Danielle is in the car with her daughters who are in the back seat in the dark looking scared out of their wits over what their mother might do next. The younger girl is rolling her eyes and biting her lips as her Mom goes on about this party that she wasn’t invited to attend.
Doesn’t instilling terror in your kids constitute child abuse?
They truly seem scared, as they should be. Joker says that she doesn’t care that she wasn’t invited and they tell her to stop wasting her energy on it then. She’s still harping on about being called a piece of garbage, which may have to turn into the drinking game for this show, right along with every time ‘bubbies’ comes up.
Back at the party, Jaqueline points out Kim to Caroline and says that it’s weird that she’s there, even though this is a fundraiser in a small town where everyone knows each other, sheesh. If she can afford to float free clothes Danielle’s way, she can certainly afford $1,000 a plate and why are they acting so surprised? If Caroline didn’t go over the guest list for a party held at her own house, I will eat all five dogs in the room right now. I’ll even throw in the neighbor’s cat that keeps eating the goldfish in our pond.
Teresa arrives dressed like a pregnant newsboy.
So THAT’S what it takes to get Juicy riled up!
And then a drunken Kim stumbles up and sits at their table with her equally hammered obnoxious old boyfriend. Teresa plays shit stirrer and asks if she’s still friends with Danielle. She flat out lies and says that she barely knows her, that theirs is a business relationship. Wow.
Who WON’T treat this woman like crap?
Her disgusting boyfriend pipes up and says that he can’t stand her, he doesn’t want anything to do with her because she boinked his buddy. He calls her a pig as Caroline exchanges gleeful looks with newsboy.
Seriously, I need more backstory on that one. Why is he calling Danielle a pig? Because she had sex with his friend? Wouldn’t that make the friend a pig too, if we’re judging over extra-marital sex? Gross.
Caroline interviews that what he had to say was clear-headed when it clearly was NOT. I have to wonder if she’s being set up to look like a hypocritical bully, just like Danielle said she was. Jaqueline and Dina look on in barely veiled disgust as Teresa needles the old bastard for more details and asks Caroline to repeat the old saying about lipstick on a pig, you know. The one about putting lipstick on a pig but it’s still a pig?
Now the editors are really fucking with us, because look at the shot they put up next-
Why, it’s a pig in lipstick!
I won’t repeat what Low-Magnon said about Joker Face’s vagina. You all heard it and it wasn’t clever in the slightest. Boy, she really has it in for her this season. Maybe she thinks it will distract us from how gross she is. She was pretty popular last season with the table flipping and all, I wonder if she’s going through some hubris growing pains of her own, just like Jill Zarin. I sure hope so!
Danielle is still driving around the neighborhood torturing her daughters with threats to check in on the party. She says that she just wants to see how many people showed up and then she interviews that she finds it strange that a family that’s so tight with the sheriff’s office would need to throw a fundraiser for them.
Bitch, what in the hell are you talking about?
I realize that she’s trying to imply that the Manzo’s need to cover something up, but good Lord, woman! How can you say stuff like that and then act surprised when people think that you’re garbage? Her girls frantically try to talk her out of driving any further and they finally succeed. That was just sick. It was as if she was deriving pleasure from the trauma her drama was causing her kids, like she was acting as the heroine in her own movie where she is the victim that has to be pulled to safety by her own girls. I’m not going to lie. I was disturbed. This woman is mentally ill, folks. There is just no two ways about it.
Back at the party Kim spills the beans and tells the table that Danielle owes her $400 and says she had to be friendly because Joker brought her mother pasta. More grossness as Jaqueline comments that she wasn’t comfortable with the way they were ganging up on her. Even Dina finds it annoying, as do I.
I am getting more and more creeped out by Teresa too, especially when she says that Danielle puts the “cont in contradiction.” She is just dying to stick it to her for making her look stupid, thereby making herself look even MORE stupid.
Yay, everybody wins!
Wow, guys. It’s week one and I’m already freaked out by these women. Any thoughts? Do you still love Caroline? Do you think that she’ll end up looking bad this season by ganging up on Danielle? And don’t get me started on HER. It’s episode one, she’s stalking the Manzo’s and this show is looking like an episode of A&E’s City Confidential. Is it going to be any surprise when somebody makes it physical?
Remember this car, Bergen County, and stay FAR away from it.
Love and Kisses,
Twunty McSlore
TV Social
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53 Comments
oh twunty how I love thee! I have not even begun to read yet and know that I have some deep soul searching to do in the near future as my entire day, no my week has been made because when I sat down to eat my peanut butter and fluff sandwich for lunch (don’t judge, I have a 5 year old and that’s what he picked and I’m too lazy to make a salad or anything grown up) I clicked on and its a recap! What a great way to spend my lunch.
Twunty – I haven’t started ready yet – but I’m SOOOO HAPPY you’re recapping this show! YEAHHHH!
My neighbors used to do canning like that (big plastic tubs, red juice running down the driveway) every year before we went back to school. Ah, the memories and the smell of roasting red peppers! As the weird Irish neighbor, I always loved going over there when that was going on. That segment (regardless of the random comments made during) endeared me a bit to Theresa. Of course, the end of the show ruined it, but for a moment…
“I am not a big fan of shaved kitties. As for Mr. McSlore- that’s another story. Tee hee.”
Wow. I almost spit Mediterranean salad all over my computer screen!
Danielle is mental, and someone needs to take those poor kids away from her. I felt kind of bad for her last season, but she is 100% certifiable this one. Those poor kids sounded so horrified to be stuck in the car with her. It broke my heart.
yeah, finally finished reading. I HATE Teresa. I grew up in Northern NJ and Teresa is the epitome of everything I disliked about NJ Italians. I know I’m putting an entire group in a box and that there are some who don’t belong there, but as a group, I have never encountered a more bigoted, racist, homophobic group of people in my life, and Teresa is their Queen. I was so excited last year when I had read on the internet that she and her husband were being sued for not paying some of the contractors on their house and for not paying taxes on the extra property they owned. I can’t even make mean comments about Danielle, because I actually believe she is so messed up in the head and causing so much harm to her children, that Bravo should stop taping her. I found that when watching this weeks episode, by stomach kind of hurt whenever she was on and I just want to hug her kids. I’m not sure where their common sense and grip on reality comes from but I’m hoping it gets them to their 18th birthdays and then they get the hell out and never look back. Where the frig is their father? Is he not watching this mess? He must have a younger woman who doesn’t want to play mommy and buffs his balls enough that he goes along. My feelings on Caroline are mixed. Think she is a good wife and great mom, but for sure Twunty she will always take her sons side, its always about the sons. Although if Lauren were to bring home a black guy, bet your meatballs mama and Albie Jr will start singing a different tune about her dating her brother’s friend. Caroline’s a hypocrite for judging Danielle’s past when she and her husband are friends with Bernie Kerick, the former NYC police commish who was indited and her father in law shows up dead in the trunk of a car. People in glass houses shouldn’t throw ravioli.
Ah, Twunty, I find old Italian superstitions funny. The one with the tomatoes is a little icky – but, it’s funny.
And, Jacqueline’s daughter is a mess. She is going to end up just like Slurry’s girl if she’s not careful. At least Jacqueline’s husband isn’t a total idiot (like Slurry’s husband) and can see that their daughter is a lazy entitled twit.
And, Danielle’s daughters are sure to be screwed up at some point by their mothers antics. But, they are lightyears ahead of Slurrys daughters in the brains and logic department. I feel sooo bad for them. Why doesn’t their bio-dad save them from her lunacy?
I hope Caroline doesn’t end up like Jill this season. I like Caroline, even if she does try too hard to sound like she’s a Soprano (HBO show – not opera singer).
Hi, Gasms. I just want to say a quick oopsy sorry for all the typos and mis-spelled names. I’m on my third recap of the week (only 2 more to go!) and I’m rushing a bit. Love youse all, ya rah-in hoores!
Ah Twunty, lucky you? I don’t know if I can do this one. These women are just so fucking stupid. Not fun Bravo stupid, rather, sad pathetic, disturbing stupid. I don’t think they’re worthy of your genious and your commenter’s snark. They make Leatherface look like a Rhodes scholar.
Yes! Terrorizing your children is a form of child abuse. That is what disturbs me so much about this particular group. The children are constantly included in adult situation and conversations. You can clearly see their fuckeduppededness developing scene by scene. I won’t be able to stomach that week after week.
So, I’ll read your recaps, but won’t be flipping these special ladies off or wasting my hard earned groceries by flinging them at the tv.
Twunty- Was waiting for this! Now that both NY & Jersey are running together sure you have your hands full.
Yay for Albert he looks great and so much better for his health. Caroline not one of my favs she goes off on her La Costa Nostra speeches and I tune her out – we get it you are a tough Jersey Broad. Is Dina’s obsession with Buddhas new? I remember lots of roosters in her kitchen last season. Found the tomato canning interesting not the conversation but the actual canning I’ve never done any and would love to try that once my tomatoes come up. I usually make a big pot and freeze it in containers. I do feel bad for Danielle’s girls having to be put through that. Christine Staub is gorgeous hope she makes it big and can move on. Have no use for Ashley so the less we see of her the better
Danielle is crazy and I feel sorry for her kids. They had to beg her not to make a fool of herself and after the 10th times she’s like I listen to my kids instincts. Only when they’re on the verge of tears at your ridiculous antics. It must be tough for them at school. What’s scary is if Danielle got custody what their dad could be like.
Funny she makes all her own tomato sauce, but unless my eyes are fooling me (and this is entirely possible) in the ‘In this family, it’s considered brain food’ picture, that is a GIANT jar of tomatoe sauce/stewed tomatoes, no?
This franchise is insane, that sums up my impression of them.
I think if Danielle wants to be invited to every party, bash, event, gathering, soirée whatever that the other “housewives” are excluding her from, all she has to do is threaten to quit the program. The entire program revolves around how much everyone hates Danielle. If she left, what story line would be left? As interesting as listening to these people interact with thier school – age children or shop for men’s clothing or talk to thier cats, an interesting program it does not make. No Danielle, no program. So threaten to QUIT Danielle – the whole show would collapse. You hold all the cards!
I really cannot stand this “cast” anymore. It’s all the girls ganging up on one other one. Granted this one is a crazy women, but still. It’s gotten really old. Not that I’ll stop watching though.
Okay Twunty, I only watch the OC hoes, but cause you said you missed me in another post, here I am! I will see if I can make heads or asses out of this bunch, but something tells me that they’ve already made asses of themselves.
Exceptional recap Twunty!!!!
Caroline should have went shopping also- her outfit was absolutely awful. Maybe she was shopping at garage sales to pay for Albert’s new wardrobe?
Is it just me, but I cannot stand Teresa’s children. They are so obnoxious, I could not be in a room with them for five minutes. And why did Teresa have her daughter with her at the obgyn? Just distrubing.
Finally Danielle- I was scared she was actually going to show up at the fund raiser for a couple of reasons. First she had her children with her, why would you purposefully go to conflict with your children? Thank God her children have common sense. Second- god only knows what Caroline (and Teresa) would have done to her and her children. I was glad to see Dina was actually uncomfortable with the garbage spewing from Kim’s mouth. I may just start liking Dina.
So glad you’re recapping the Jersey crazies, Twunty! One question, though. Is the whole thing about Danielle calling Dina’s ex to give him custody ammo the same issue that Caroline said on the reunion show that Dina didn’t want her to talk about but she did anyways (and she continues to be hush hush about, as she did when Miss Andy asked about it on WWHL the other night)? This is the first I’m hearing about any kind of contact between Danielle and Dina’s ex so I just wanted some clarification…
@what? I have to admit I haven’t been alone in a room and had an internal exam for 10 years! My husband travels A LOT for work and I have no family in the area and all my friends work so I’ve always had 1, 2 or even 3 kids in the room with me! One year, I held my newborn, the nurse held my 2 year old and my 4 year old was sitting on the table up near my head. But seeing as Teresa is able to find someone to watch her kids to go to lunch or shopping, she should have been able to find somone.
I really want to know why Theresa thinks its wrong for single women to have sex with anyone especially if they have children but thinks its perfectly OK for her to talk about her chucky or having sex in front of her children. I know that I prefer to know nothing about my parents sex lives and certainly would be extremely embarrassed if my mother was talking about it constantly on national television.
Bravo indeed hates women. Really, really hates women by these Houswives shows as they are nothing but the worst portrayal of women ever presented on tv as “entertainment”.
Of course they are creating a “storyline” of drama by insisting that Danielle remain in the cast as the “outsider” while the other gang up and close her out. Who is holding the gun to Danielle’s head by insisting she remain an integral part of this weekly circus of smut, trash talk, excess, backstabbing, name calling, and perversity? Without that particular storyline would there be a story in the first place? Without it we would be bored to death watching the antics of Theresa, her unadorable kids, her Neanderthal husband, and their sex life. Dina with her new Zen attitude is boring. Jacqueline and her babies, along with that horrible daughter, won’t bring in the ratings and neither will “Pontificting Pearl”, i.e., Caroline with her stupid imitation of Carmella Soprana urge us to view her family week after week.
Watching the disintegration of Danielle, who is indeed in desperate need of psychiatric help, in full view of her innocent daughters, is a scandal for all involved. There is nothing to be praised here for how low Bravo will go in an attempt to make their franchise soar in the ratings.
Twunty’s spot on cynical analysis each showing is exactly how we all feel but articulates it much better. As with the NY Housewives, these women are not at all indicative of what most women go through in their lives and if we take a step back we can acknowledge that Bravo is getting away with making our gender look like illiterate, self serving, grasping, foul mouthed, two faced hypocrites and they should be called out for it.
Creating “make believe stars” out of people who most of us would avoid on contact has made the Jill Zarin’s and the table throwing Theresa’s heroines in the eyes of many who take this stuff seriously. It isn’t. It is disgusting.
Thanks to Twunty for having the creativity of pointing this out.
Hey twunty,
Did you notice the damn skull behind the giant Buddha?! Dina’s got some conflicting shit going on there.
There really is no one to root for on this show. I try with Jaqueline, but people with zero spine just drive me nuts. Of course, I don’t have to practically live with those other harpies.
You really get the impression she has no other friends.
How can you “not know how” to open a checking account? You walk into a bank………
I cannot stand Caroline or Danielle. They’re just different sides of the same irritating coin. The way they endlessly carp on how “loyal”/”supportive” they are; it’s like a poker-tell that it’s really the exact opposite that’s true.
And Teresa is the stupidest housewife of any franchise. (I know, a bold statement) Did anyone else notice that when she was delivering those clever little put-downs you mentioned, several times she was looking slightly off-camera (a bit up and to the left)–someone is having to feed them to her. Idiot.
Twunty, this will be some ride with you along to recap!
Watching this show is like doing pennance – I don’t enjoy it, but feel I must do it. These “ladies” (ahem) make me ill.
My verdict is still out on Dina. I think that she is very aware of how she came across last season, and is trying to play the saint role this time around. We’ll see if it lasts and if her attitude sticks. I did admire her for not jumping into the gossip about psycho Danielle.
Low Magnon is a piece of work, and not in a good way. She has some balls calling Sonja out for being a hoo-er, but yet every time she opens her fat yap she is talking about sex and getting it from Juicy.
Enough already, even if you are married you don’t need to tell everyone about your rutting adventures.
The Lauren/Vito/Albie storyline is meh. Over it already. Bravo keeps pushing it like it’s some big drama, I just find it boring.
Agree that Danielle is too whacked to even make fun of. She is scary,
narissitic to the nth degree and just plain crazy. I only feel pain when is on screen, mostly for her kids.
Chemgal, you are so right – Theresa and Joe are the stereotypical North Jersey Eye-Tays that look and act as if they recently lived in caves. Even Caroline with her faux “fuggediboutit” style is preferable. Not everyone in NJ is like the RH or Jersey Shore crowd!
Twunty, I have an avatar,just can’t get it to connect to my log in. Hopefully soon! Hugs – xoxoxo
Twunterful re-cap as always
I just have a question..If Teresa does indeed make almost 200 jars of tomatoes every year,why is there a can of store bought tomatoes in the screen-cap of the pantry?
TC,Robin
Twunty – Love it! I agree with you on all this mess. Joker face is the Carrion of the Housewives series. Not as obnoxious, granted, but totally as delusional.
what? – So agreed about Theresa’s girls! They’re little high-maintenance monsters in training. The type you see at the mall that give you the evil urge slap a stranger’s kids.
Did Store Owner Kim’s boyfriend remind anyone else of David Gest?
Oh, BestWeekEver.com posted Christine’s modeling shots/page with IMG. Man, they’re incredible.
You know Low Magnon is dying a little.
Twunty – yea! I was so hoping you would be recapping RHONJ. I hope you are paid handsomely as I can only imagine how many times, notes and nuances must be caught… I think I am going to need a 12 step program soon as I am spending way to much time checking Google for the latest JZ mess or a new Danielle Staub sex tape, I need some new joorey too! Actually, I have been trying to talk my husband into a water feature in our yard and when I saw your garden I was salivating. He refers to them as ‘stupid ponds”. I even took up the argument from our two dogs’ perspective as it would benefit them in so many ways – nope. How did you get Mr. McSlore on board? Thanks for the yucks and keeping it real because this show sure doesn’t!
Hello, all! Twunty, I loved how you intruduced yourself to new readers!
Did anyone notice the “before” pictures Caroline showed of her husband while they were shopping? I commented to my huband “Who does she think he is? Ol’ Blue Eyes?” I swear all the pictures were of him all shadowy, holding a mic like he was singing. I know he does events at the Brownstone and Dina was married there but COME ON! She must have The Godfather playing on a loop in her head. She’s retarded. I don’t care for Caroline. I don’t think she’s genuine at all. I don’t like any of these women. It’s more like who I dislike less. And DANIELE!! Dear lord, please someone intervene and help her girls. It’s so sad. Her storyline isn’t entertaining, it’s just stomach turning and triggers my anxiety.
They’re not mafia. They’ve said that before. I believe them.
Oh Twunty!
Where do I even start? First of all, LOVE the tags you’ve got no this one. Hilarious! I truly hope you never end up in the Recapper’s Witness Protection Program!
I think it’s interesting that Dina’s daughter isn’t on the show this year. I wonder if last year was a little much for her? She’s at that awkward age where you probably don’t want to be under a microscope for all your classmates to see on TV.
Theresa makes me want to vomit. She really is just gross and give NJ Eyetalions a bad name. And her girls are a fucking nightmare. UGH. What brats. I feel sorry for their teachers because you know any criticism of them goes in one ear and out the other with Theresa.
I agree with everyone about Danielle – she is just plani frightening. The fact that her girls had to beg her not to go to Caroline’s is beyond ridiculous. I’ll have more to say about her on this week’s recap. Let’s just leave it at nutjob for now.
Thanks for a great recap! So glad you’re covering these hoo-ers!
SWAK, PottyMouth
Oh! One other thing! I’m still completely annoyed that these bitches aren’t holding anything. SUCH BULLSHIT. They shoulda made em hold tomatoes. Sorry, I just can’t let it go.
PottyMouth, I agree, the NJH need to be holding something, New Jersey is the “Garden State”, how ’bout something commonly used as fertilizer?!
Loved the recap! Your observations are always spot on. I also love the comments. I look forward to the comments as much as I do the recap.
As far as entertainment value this crew of housewives is at the bottom out of the franchise. The storyline revolves around everyone hating Danielle. Danielle is insane so there really isn’t any fun in watching everyone hate someone that is literally mentally insane. At least with New York, Jill is sane but just “acts” insane. She is fun to dislike. Danielle you just feel sorry for her. I also feel like the producers get them to act up the Italian dramatics/stereotypes which is also really boring. Although I’m not going to pretend I won’t watch it.
Twunty is right about caroline making her useless threats ( I would go copy and past the exact line but I’ve been at the park surrounded by a bunch of spirited children, which is code word for brats and am just too tired. it was as if the guidice’s reproduced every single time they have sex, so there were 1,000s of brats running all over the place) caroline is one of those women who is so use to everyone shaking in their boots because she raises her voice and insinuates that you shouldn’t mess with her. She has been protected by her money and other people’s assumptions that she has mafia connections. She’s like my neighbor though and if you go right back at her, she’ll end the conversation with an “f you” and retreat.
Exactly Chemgal, like all of them, she’s full of shit. She just also happens to be so damn masculine, I imagine it is a bit overwhelming the first time that comes flying at you. But about two hissy fits in you realize there’s nothing behind it.
That look of absolute serenity on her face in Twunty’s first screenshot, when she’s listening to that woman trash Danielle; it was like she was in church, she was so happy.
They should be holding hairspray
As for Lexi not appearing so far this season – I wonder if Dina’s ex had something to do with it? Or if he and Dina decided together that she shouldn’t appear? Maybe they don’t want to expose her to the on screen drama. Let’s face it, except for Brianna most of the kids come off looking like spoiled brats.
And Chemgal, totes with you on your assesement of Caroline. As the oldest in her family, she was used to bossing people around and it stuck. xoxoxo
From what I’ve read, Danielle called Dina’s ex and tried to give him ammo to start a custody dispute. I would remove my daughter from the situation, too, if a mentally ill person started to use her in a war against me, so good for Dina (and there’s no question Danielle is mentally ill, IMO).
I’m with Baxter 100%- this is by far the weakest of all the “Housewives” shows, but you can believe I’ll still watch. It’s just not as fun when the show revolves around someone who clearly has real problems, instead of people with problems like “She called me Madonna. MADONNA!,” or “boohoo my diamond card hasn’t come in the mail yet,” or “I really wish I owned another pair of boots.”
Honestly, I don’t think Danielle is actually mentally ill. She is a drama queen who loves to start shit and be the center of attention. She loves to get people riled up. And, the fact that she’s willing to do anything, even if it affects her daughters, just speaks to what an enormous narcissist she is.
She’s not mentally ill, she’s just a selfish, narcissistic, famewhore.
All the other women on the show have the worst case of “Holier than thou” syndrome I’ve ever seen. Thrown in with a whole lot of Hypocrosy.
They need to add another housewife to this lineup because there is no one to root for. I hate them all to varying degrees. Any eta of the N.Y. Recap Twunty? I’m anxious to read what you have to say about Alex standing up to Jill and Jill finding a way to make everything about herself once again.
I also noticed Teresa’s giant can of Redpack in that screen shot – hilarious.
That crazy Kim’s boyfriend looked so familiar – like he was on another reality show or maybe The Soprano’s or something.
Twunty – I laughed when you made the comment about “City Confidential” because that is also one of my guilty pleasures & this totally reminds me of the beginning of one of those shows
I do not think these women overdramatize their New Jerseyness. I married into an Italian New Jersey family and I was bowled over at how much like the stereotype they all were. They are naturally dramatic people. I disagree with the hatred of Dina. I liked her last season and I don’t think she’s changed this season. She may be bitchy, but I think she’s pretty authentic in her own weird way. She is not as self-righteous as the others, at least.
@maryedith since I no longer live in northern NJ I often find myself trying to explain to people that there is a huge difference between a nj italian and italians from anywhere else on the planet. I pee laughing when all my italian friends from Nj get pissed that they are being misrepresented by the kids from jersey shore. talk about lack of self awareness! and i too like dina the most because she says what she feels but also uses tact. caroline (and some of the other wives from the other locations) like to use the excuse “i’m not a backstabber” or “i tell it like it is” as an excuse to say anything they want knowing they’ll hurt someone’s feelings and then be able to go to the interview segment and repeat their mantra about telling it like it is.
its true there is no one to really root for here. I do have to question mafia ties, as anyone who has lived in nj knows that there are certain careers that you have to deal with the mafia. you can’t build any large project in nj without having to pay someone off. its shocking and scary for people who are not prepared. my brother had a job as a plumber’s apprentice and when they showed up at a job they were told to leave thousands of dollars worth of piping. another guy on the job told them they better do it because he thought they had been joking and they destroyed over $10,000 worth of tiles over a week until he left tiling they wanted. my dad who worked in a bank often had to testify in federal court about money laundering in the banks around nj. one guy they caught got paid 10 cents for every 1 dollar he laundered. he cleared, CLEARED 1 million every year. they would catch almost 10 people a year doing this and that was just one bank. so believe me, there is a lot of activity still going on so its hard to see these women reaping the benefits when there is a good possibility its linked to illegal activity.
I agree with whoever said that they need to add some new blood to this show. I really can’t seem to like any of these women. And don’t get me started on the kids! Teresa’s are being turned into little monsters by their mother, Ashley is a spoiled brat with no idea what the real world is like, and I think the whole Lauren dating Albie’s best friend thing is manufactured to get them more screen time. Surpisingly, Danielle’s kids are the most normal. I hope they can make it out of childhood that way. At this point I think I’m rooting for Grandma Wrinkles.
Yay! My avatar finally works!
Allycatt, love, love, love your avatar! Now for the avatar illiterate, just how is this done?
Testing….
You have hit the nail (fingernail) on the head. Love this site
!
I’m excitedly waiting for the mud fight between the NJ and NY girls produced and directed by Bravo. We got the Gia’s anti=jew comments (see fight with Jill Zarin, who will be hosting her new show – the Jewish American Princesses on Bravo) and the Carol Manzo comments about Luann not paying her the attention she deserves (Kiss my mafia ring, you Countess-highness) to Theresa’s husband’s anti-gay (oh, you don’t want to piss off the host’s show on national tv) to you all NJ wifes are just so bigoted, you know you’re gonna get a knock down drag out fight with Hair pulling (oh, yea, that was already done – Ashley was convicted of assault against Danielle)
I confess, I must, that I am salaciously and disgustingly addicted to this show (the NJ housewives) more than any of the other Bravo housewives shows because it is so disgusting and outrageous. Having lived in communities and been friends with many women and families over my 60+ years, and worked in many office environments which have their own heirarchies and “stuff”, this show just puts it all out there in terms of the worst of the worst. I have lived in many different states in the US and communities and I have never lived in a community like this one. It just baffles my mind, and/but it is so engrossing to me that people in close-knit communities in the US are so tied up and participate in the bigotry and in-fighting and well, all the other stuff this community of NJ is being portrayed as. I would love to hear on this site or on the Bravo show from other people who live in this NJ community who know these wives or who don’t but happen to live in this community. Is this entire community like these families or are these Bravo families an anomoly?
Imnotthere – I’m the last person to try to explain anything about computers (I think I’m the last person in the world not on facebook!) But here’s what I did – I got a password and logged into the tvgasm site, clicked on my name to access my account, and under the profile section there is a tab for avatars. It lets you attach an online picture by cutting and pasting the website address. You have to make sure it is a certain size, though. I usually search “photos of ______” and then pick one. I search on msn and it will let you find different sizes for the same photo. Hope this helps, but if anyone has a better/easier explanation, please share!
@Ugly Cutie – GREAT avatar, it is so perfect for this site!!!
Twunty: Your comments are so hilarious; did you ever view the site “Roasted Nuts” a similar comical commentary site on the Anna Nicole legal trials and tribulations? You remind me of her.
I’ve recently experienced all negative comments I post on any Manzo related page on Bravo goes un-posted, as do all positive comments on Deanielle’s. Hmmmm…
It’s certainly a good recap i guess i just need to get used to the danielle thing yenta used to take pity on her so i’m still having to get used to the more bashing i guess.