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This week starts out with a mystery. Not the one where we all wonder why on earth Jill would get drunk on her own power and smash an entire country’s faith in her. And we still don’t understand the timeless wonder of Kelly’s missing pants.
I did discover one thing, though.
The count got all the classy manners in the divorce settlement, but thank God he left LuLu those suede boots. She’d be barefoot in Central Park without them! And lord knows that we don’t want to see nobility clean doggy poo from between their swanky tootsies.
Eating it? Maybe.
Nope, this mystery involves a fetus and a troll, and how did the rainbow haired bottom feeder get his hands on this super private information? Who told the blogging pig that Bethenny had a piglet in her oven? Hmmmmmm, I have thought long and hard (not really) and come up with a theory that I’m pretty sure we can all agree on. But first, it’s another morning with Lady B and her assistant huddled around their respective laptops in that bland little condo of hers.
They’re going over how unbelievably busy the world is when you whip up low cal meals for the masses, and then the assistant gets a text telling her to look at Perez’s blog. He published a post revealing that Bethenny is preggers, and she’s understandably mad because she didn’t tell anyone and she’s not even past her first trimester yet. Asshole!
Poor Jason. He’s a normal guy who didn’t ask for any of this crap. He’s got non-famous parents and a nice off-camera life that involves golf and going about his conservative business practices dodging nude pics of his fiancee while trying to keep up with that hamster wheel mouth of hers.
Let’s see. Who knew about the baby? The assistant Julie, Jason, and the camera crew/Bravo producers. Somehow I don’t believe that it was any of them. I’m pretty sure that leaking information would be a no-no for any of those people. Then we come to the fact that she was clearly showing a bump at the Gotham party. Who would notice? Probably lots of people. Any one of them could have surmised the obvious BUT who among them has a personal relationship with the FrankenFairy of the gossip world?
Ah yes, Jill. For so many reasons! She’s the type of person who cannot stand to be out of the loop on anything. She’s the kind of person that would do this since she knows that she will be asked her opinion by the press, and she LOVES giving her opinion to the press. She put two and two together and then ran her mouth to Perez while she was trying to figure out how she could work all the angles to her own benefit.
But first, she needs to milk LuLu for any information she might have, even as her trollop-ness is commiserating with the enemy, Sonja. They’re at her townhouse going over the details of the ‘Cocaine and Couture’ event and the poor hussy has to fetch their ‘coffee’ herself since it’s the maid’s day off. Please, it’s called Starbucks and Bailey’s and it takes about two minutes to get together.
They sip from their china cups and then Sonja says that they should go out to the garden since that’s where they always end up with their cocktails and cigarettes, or cigars. Oh my goodness! Did she just out LuLu as an off-camera smoker? Ha!
You know LuLu is a closet drag queen. It’s just ciggies she’s dragging on, not clubs on the Meat Packing district. You don’t just wake up one day sounding like you puff on packs of Pall Malls, you know. I bet she hides her butts in empty coffee cans on the fire escape, just like plenty of other smokers in New York. I’d go back to old episodes and look for tell-tale signs but I’m up to my ears in dogs again. Ugh. I should just start a service.
They go out to the garden and there’s dog shit everywhere! Sonja blames it on the maid for having the day off, but I’m not buying it. There’s at least a couple of week’s worth out there and it’s nasty. It looks like my yard back in March when the snow finally thawed to reveal several dozen perfectly preserved piles of poop.
LuLu steps right in a pile but those nasty suede boots have seen worse. I mean, come on. Who here hasn’t spilled a little on their shoe after a particularly messy joorey earning session? I bet she carries around a nice buffing tool in her purse at all times, right next to her ultra-long light 100′s.
Jill picks this moment to call and she immediately asks her where she is. “WE’RE outside by Sonja’s fountain,” she says, as she puts her on speaker phone. No need to lie about who you’re with, not when there’s no back stabbing planned at the moment. There’s still plenty of crap going on, though.
Jill is so jealous of this Sonja girl. The faces she makes says it all. Woman, you’re on camera! Quit grimacing like a Looney Tunes character or like a born again Christian speaking in tongues. You’re going to end up in The Most Hated Reality Show Characters’ Hall of Fame, right next to Kate Gosselin and Russell from Survivor. By the way, that bitch’s old hairdo made it all the way to the Shaker Heights wedding I attended on Friday!
Bitch, give me back my merkin! (bolded, as are all lines directly under spot for pic)
The gals talk about the ‘C & C’ event and LuLu asks if Jill’s fowarded the e-vite she sent out to any of her wealthy Diamond Card friends. She knows that Sonja is listening, she’s jealous because it’s another event that doesn’t revolve around her and she has to make sure to put LuLu in her place, so she trashes the invite, saying that it wasn’t up to her standards and that she could tell that LuLu didn’t put any thought into it. Way to love the underdog, you big meanie.
What a cunty thing to do. If anyone else said that LuLu would be demanding an apology. I was shocked when she completely ignored it. What the hell? I’m pretty sure that saying shit like that is poor form, but what do I know? I take pictures of crappy hairdos in church, it’s pretty much a given that I’M not classy.
She tells them that she got a Google Alert that Bethenny is pregnant. Bullshit. Not that I don’t believe that she’d be stalking Bethenny on the internet, cuz let’s face it, she would. She probably spends half her day in front of her computer reading up on everything written about every last one of them. I can just see her furiously biting her hangnails in bed every time a random blog touts Silex’s new book or Ramona lands on QVC with her jewelry line. Hey, she has herself on Google alerts, right?!? Let’s all say hi, Gasmii!
JILL ZARIN, JILL ZARIN, JILL ZARIN!
IS A JUDGEMENTAL HYPOCRITICAL C*NT!!!!!!!
I mean, love you, never change! If you did we’d only have LuLu to bitch about and Ramona for entertainment. Wait. That doesn’t sound half bad, actually. What is the world coming to? Hey, at least they filmed Jill working at Zarin Fabrics. I’m sure that she’s super busy shilling brocade in an effort to pay off her Saks’ bill.
I’m back to liking Sonja again. We’re like Liz Taylor and Richard Burton at this point. One week I can’t stand her for being so calculating, and the next week I am in love with the way she makes Jill crazy with jealousy. Case in point- this entire phone conversation. Jill says that they out- yenta’d her because they dared to talk more than the three sentences that she usually allots to her sycophants on the other end of their conversations.
The whole time that Jill is trying to elicit gossip from the ignorant twosome, Sonja is giggling over how chubby she was after she gave birth and her bout with post-partum depression. She thought that Bethenny had a little bubble the other night but wouldn’t dare say anything since what if she’s wrong and she’s just bloated and gassy? Even where I live in Ohio, you’d get bitch slapped for pulling that shit. Unless you can see the outline of a kicking foot or recognise cootchie or weiner, it’s best to keep your yap shut.
LuLu focuses on the fact that Bethenny did just get engaged, so of course she’s pregnant. It’s the European way! Oh, and all those nast things that Miss B said to her? Hormones, of course! Why else would she call her a snake? She’s never done anything but be the most classy of superficial passive/aggressive digging friends to her. You’d think she was trying to put a wedge between her and her former bast friend or something, sheesh!
Jill keeps making faces and then she says that Bethenny can’t be more than 6-8 weeks along and she shouldn’t be talking about it. Is she trying to say that The Jaw leaked her own pregnancy? Nice attempt to avert suspicion, ass. I’m sorry, I don’t believe it for a second. Jill told Perez that Miss B looked pregnant and then stood back and let him run with it.
Did you notice how she never once said that it was just a rumor with these two, yet in print she did? I think that she may have found out from some Bravo minion, told Perez and then did damage control to look innocent. Then she tried to get back on Bethenny’s good side by seeming to support her by telling everyone that she should keep her pregnancy private. What is wrong with this woman? She thinks that she can compliment a ring and now everything is all better and Bethenny should go back to kissing her ass?
How charming, as is agreeing with the fact that the only reason she got engaged was because of the crumb grabber growing in her womb. She’s the type that can’t dole out a compliment without qualifying it. The type to say, “Congrats on graduating law school, too bad about the shitty job market, though,” or “Love your new bag, I had one just like it that I gave to the housekeeper last week.”
Hey, Jill. Love your pants. I saw some just like it on my pregnant neighbor yesterday.
I’m not lying. I really did.
The last bit of their conversation is funny too. LuLu asks if she should invite Miss B to the C & C event and Jill wants to know why she would invite someone who called her a snake. “But she apologised,” says LuLu, as if Bethenny meant one word of it!
After LuLu says that she won’t invite her, Jill says it’s her call, but she would want to keep her circle tight and they should wait and see if Miss B contacts Sonja first. Um, why would she do that? You don’t call and ask for invites. Jill just wants to know if Bethenny is calling any of the women with her big news.
It was nice for someone to finally point out how uncool it is to be ganging up on a newly engaged newly pregnant woman, too. Sonja says that they should be more understanding of the stress she’s going through and cut the poor girl spome slack. I agree one hundred percent. For fuck’s sake, Jill. Weren’t there any African orphans or legless Marines for you to pick on this year? You had to pick the pregnant girl?
The pregnant girl is saddled with the task of informing Jason that there’s been a change of plans. They won’t be meeting his parents in Pennsylvania where Mom and Dad get to share in the firsthand joy of expecting a grandchild. Nope, it looks like a phone call will have to suffice.
Do evil gossips ever think about stuff like that? I doubt that Perez gives a second’s thought to who he might be hurting. That’s one of the reasons that I hate to even acknowledge his existence. That, and all the body snark. He threw that information out there without even calling Bethenny or her publicist, betting on the 50/50 chance that it might be true. The fact that he didn’t reveal his source is highly suspect too. He must still be getting dirt from this person or else he would fess up. It’s a big story and he knows it.
Jason looks devastated. He looks like he’s going to cry. I wonder if she had a chance to tell him off camera, and if he made her promise not to deliver any shockwaves without giving him a head’s up first. I hope so, but he’s visibly angry.
Bethenny gets all defensive, telling him that’s it’s out and they’ll just have to deal with it, her voice rising in speed and volume. He quiets her by telling her to let him be upset. He has every right to be. He knew his girl made her living in the public eye, he just didn’t know the extent of that world. You can’t blame the guy. I sure don’t.
They hug it out and get up to call his parents. Here’s hoping that Mr. and Mrs. Hoppy don’t read jizz splattered drivel any more than Jason does. It would be nice if they could be the first to spill the beans about the impending nugget, and someone tell me how Perez doesn’t have a hit put on him by now. He’s lucky that all he got was one punch in his lumpish mug from Will. I. Am. I would’ve cut his tongue out and fed it to Cookie by now.
The next scene takes place at The Friar’s Club. I think that Jill said that she’s a member. We get to meet the new girl, Jennifer from Save the Date, an event planning company. I should say that it would be nice to meet Jennifer from Save the Date, only we didn’t really. We saw her write in a notebook and she said a couple of words here and there, but honestly. Jill takes over the entire conversation so none of us could possibly gather any impressions from the newbie, other than she’s human, female and possesses the ability to read and write.
So I’m gonna rule out the chance that she’s any relation to Leather.
Or Ramona, for that matter.
They are planning Jill’s Holiday on Ice party which she wants to hold at Wollman rink. It shouldn’t be a problem since Andy she’s friendly with the owner, Donald Trump. God, what name WON’T she drop? She’s at the Friar’s Club. I better see Joan Rivers emceeing this extravaganza too, by God.
Not happy with Ginger shitting all over one scene so far this season, she wants to make sure that everyone at her party has the runs by demanding a menu of pigs in blankets, chicken fingers, Jamba juice, hot chocolate, free cupcakes and lamb chops. Lamb chops, you ask? Up until that point it sounded like an 8 year old’s birthday party, and the combination of food makes me want to throw up. No doubt Jennifer feels the same way.
After all, she wore an entire roll of paper towels around her neck.
The dead baby sheep entrees were requested so she’d have some leftovers to take home to Ginger. Oh, and the cupcakes? Those she gets for free by promising that whoever makes them gets free advertising on the show, no doubt.
What a cheap piece of trash this Jill character is! Not to mention selfish. You see, she will be skating at this event which makes her nervous, and she can’t eat when she’s nervous so nobody else should either. She got the idea to have her own little skate in the spotlight from a 9/11 event that she attended but she hasn’t skated in years, so you all better heap the compliments on her even if she falls on her ass.
Who here believes that Jill is going to just show up and skate? PLEASE! She will approach this just like she did the tennis matches with Ramona. She probably got Michele Kwan on the phone and promised her some new couch covers in exchange for free lessons. The woman has probably been preparing for this since the first 9/11, trust me. Go big or go home, right? Mother’s Day is coming up and I’m only asking the powers that be for one thing. I’ve been a really good girl, Lord, and I don’t want to waste this chance to put in a simple request.
Please fall on your ass, please fall on your ass, please fall on your ass…..
It would be glorious, like Crackie getting hit in the head with a football, or the Pens winning the Stanley Cup again. I’m serious. I would cry. It probably won’t happen though and I don’t expect it to, anymore than I expect to see LuLu pick up a check.
Do you think that LuLu has had any plastic surgery? I saw her in Wendy Williams and she looked pretty damn good. She’d never admit it, unlike Sonja. She’s actually taking us along for her lipo consult, with Ramona and all that research she loves to do.
The doctor is tiny with even teenier hands. That must come in handy when you’re sewing nipples back on or sticking plastic baggies into women’s torsos through their belly bettons. Sonja doesn’t need all that work, she just needs to get her little tummy removed, and I mean little. It’s barely worth the bother but Ramona asks him tons of questions, none of which he answered to MY personal satisfaction.
Seriously, I wouldn’t want my body altered by a guy who doesn’t have hospital priveleges and hasn’t been board certified since 1973! I don’t care how many models Sonja says he’s operated on, no freaking way! And I would totally love to have Crazy Eyes there to ask the tough questions. She’s a good friend and she doesn’t back down, even when Dr. Bellin looks uncomfortable.
Be glad she isn’t throwing jeans at you, buddy.
Oh well, Sonja is going to let him do the honors anyway. I sure hope she doesn’t have a reaction to the anaesthesia or anything. That would kind of suck to stop breathing in an upper east side brownstone instead of NYU Medical Center where they actually have all the neccessary equipment for that kind of stuff. Oh well, you can’t let a little potential life or death situation get in the way of sharing your plastic surgeon with a bunch of supermodels. Silly me.
Nice ring, though. Someone knows how to earn fine joorey.
Back in beigetown, Bethenny is calling Alex to tell her the good news. Alex already heard what Perez said and she asks Miss B if she’s having nine of his blue haired babies. That’s a scary thought. Let’s all pray that he never decides to pay a surrogate, shall we? He’d make Michael Lohan look like daddy of the year.
Hopefully he dyes his pubes blue too and his dick falls off.
Bethenny tells Alex that she got an email from Jill shortly after the FrankenFairy’s leak, telling her that she tried to help the situation by saying publicly that it wasn’t true, that it was just a rumor, then lecturing her about not talking to the press for the sake of her sanity and the baby’s health.
Who asked you, hag? Bethenny just ignored her which is precisely the correct way to handle it. She goes on to tell Alex that she won’t be attending Ramona’s skin care launch that evening but if Alex feels like it and she finds a good time to, could she please tell Jill, ‘Bethenny’s done’ and not to contact her anymore?
Alex is chomping at the bit to do just that and tells Bethenny that she has a fire in her belly. You would be too if some woman called your husband a lush, refered to you as “those other two,” and belittled your parenting at every opportunity. She already proved at Saks that she doesn’t listen to a word that Alex says and she treats her like she’s a poor relation, better suited to staying in the background than actually participating in any of her reindeer games.
That’s okay. Alex prefers other kinds of games. Tonight it’s Spanish Conquistador and his naughty Senorita.
I don’t know how Bethenny put up with her as long as she did. Maybe she used Jill like Jill used her and considered the crap she had to put up with and overlook, as payback for staying in The Hamptons and eating Bawby’s food. Once her own stuff took off, it didn’t seem like such a good idea to turn a blind eye to her jilling ways, and who can blame her? Once again, not me.
The way she handled the slowing down of their friendship just proves that Miss B was right. Jill likes to start fights and thinks that she’s the center of the universe. She’s lucky that Bethenny tried to mend things. I sure wouldn’t, especially after she called the Today Show and complained that she was the one who should be hosting instead of Miss B. How dare she meddle with Bethenny’s business! What she did was worse than Ramona at the Kodak event, any day. At least Ramona said it directly to Jill and not to the marketing head at Kodak.
She’s about to take over Bawby’s big moment too. For some reason they are being given an opportunity to promote Zarin Fabrics on TV. I have never heard of this show but I think that it airs on LXtv, a station that I have never heard of. I think that Jill made it up. Bawby is nervous but instead of preparing him for the event since she has done this many, many times, she just interrupts him and takes over the entire interview, after telling him that today was all about him.
He seemed like he was about to tell an anecdote from the early days, maybe something about his poppa’s old pushcart full of fabrics and the day he met Leopold Stakowski on Sixth Avenue and then sold him all the fabrics for his new home with Gloria Vanderbilt. You know, some glamourous old New York story like that.
He barely stammers out a sentence before Jill interrupts and starts in with her Zarin Fabric speil. She even rattles off the latest price of silk mohair while Bawby bites his lip and disappears into the couch he’s sitting on.
Before they even got out there, she haranged him by asking if he was ready at least five times and then she ran into the doorframe as she backed out of the make-up room while giving him some last minute words of encouragement. Too late, biatch. Not everyone is a tragic camera humper like you!
“Look at me, Bawby, look at me. You do good and it’s Louis Vuitton luggage for everybody!”
It’s not like she can buy it with those book proceeds anymore. Bummer. Those women are going to end up owing the printer instead of collecting royalties. Maybe she can offer their fabric customers a free book with purchase. See, I’m giving Jill some sound financial advice. She owes me now!
She even bitched that she forgot to twitter the stupid appearance, like everyone is going to drop what they’re doing and run to watch channel 1152 at 5! I can’t think of anything more fascinating. Maybe Kelly’s latest article in Gotham, but that’s about it.
Or listening to a psychic. What is with these women and their freaking astrologers and mediums and empaths and assorted paranormal suck-ups? Sonja has a lady named Roberta.
If you think about it, psychics are kinda the olden times version of a Google Alert. You want to know if someone is talking about you, consult your psychic. You need a head’s up on who the Centurians might be gunning for, consult the town witchypoo.
It turns out that Sonja has known this lady for a long time, even before she married her J. Howard Marshall, even before she got to enjoy sex with liver spots and changing hubby’s nappies. This Roberta chick has been helping the little gold digger since she was just digging for silver, my friends, and that was a long time ago indeed.
I’m assuming that Roberta is in her 60s, judging by her need for dentures and hair re-forestation. I am willing to guess that she spends a decent portion of the proceeds from her nebulous prognosticating on White castle and KFC since she is easily the size of a SmartCar or a Calder sculpture. She could be a work of art herself.
Forget the Australian coastline, Christo can wrap HER as his next project.
None of that matters to Sonja. She keeps her around because Roberta is uplifting and wants to help her, not because she can speak to dead people or scribble down the winning Pick Four numbers. Her intuitive mind tells her that Sonja is looking to get spruced up by a plastic surgeon and then she compliments her loyalty to questionable plastic surgeons with lapsing certifications.
Sonja eats it up like it was the spooge of a 25 year old Argentinian ‘actor.’ Hey, I’m intuitive, I can read people and energies pretty well. If I put on a Shallow Hal fat suit and black out a couple teeth, can I charge 300 bucks an hour? I will compliment the SHIT out of you if you pay me enough. Unless you’re Jill Zarin, in which case you better bring a Louis Vuitton shoecase full of money. Then, and only then, can we talk.
You know how people always argue that psychics are full of shit because they never know when bad stuff happens to them, or if they are so smart, why can’t they concentrate real hard and come up with the winning Mega Millions numbers? As usual, I have my own little theory on these gals, and it goes something like this-
First off- many of them are charlatans, plain and simple. Second, they turn their focus outward since looking inward is such a shitty way for them to live. Every time I read about these people, they’ve overcome some horrific event in their life, eat their feelings with the efficiency of Kirsty Allie and desexualise themselves like a victim of Roman Polanski. Plus, they feel plenty of bad stuff too, they just don’t like to talk about it. Who wants to pay the bearer of bad news? Nobody, as we will find out later with Alex, but I do believe that the ability exists on some level.
Think about it. Everyone has a gift, even if it’s just playing beer pong.
Or misplacing your teeth.
Roberta tells Sonja some personality stuff. Sonja’s not naiive but she’s too trusting. She only wants to see the good in people and she gets burned when the bad comes out. I get the impression that Sonja is floundering a bit. Let’s face it, why else would she be on this show? No one in their right mind would do it unless they needed the money.
This one misses her team of employees from the days when she had five houses to run and four state’s worth of closets to fill. She’s been downsized into one huge townhouse and wants to make sure that she doesn’t lose that too. Hence, the psychic. She needs a little divine intervention to send her a new loaded sugar daddy when she’s finally weary of hot sex with gigolos and wants to return to the wallet humping days when she was at her happiest.
I cannot wait to get more of her story. I don’t need a psychic to tell me that she’s written a book about making cheap meals in your toaster oven. I’ve got Google for that. Girl needs to promote her brand, just like Miss B. It worked for her, why not Ms. Morgan? I want to know what else she is willing to put on our TV screens if she is so unconcerned about putting a non-telegenic creature like Roberta out there as her buddy. Who’s next, Jocelyn Wildenstein?
I can’t wait to find out.
Sonja wonders aloud why she would tell anyone who she is dating, perhaps to keep Roberta from spilling the beans. She doesn’t, even though she claims to know because she’s psychic. “As long as you don’t tell them who ELSE I’m dating,” tee hee. “Just make sure they aren’t in the same room at the same time,” says Roberta. Wow, she does know her, doesn’t she? Ha!
And what were they drinking- scotch? I noticed that Sonja polished hers off pretty quickly while Shamu barely sipped hers. I guess that it’s not considered sustinence when you are used to beverages with at least 500 calories per liter. Besides, it’s going to take more than a little rock’s glass of booze to get someone that size drunk.
Roberta tells Sonja to throw caution to the wind and get the fat sucked out of her belly and they joke about how Roberta could use a forklift, I mean breast lift. Sonja hints that she’ll help her but if she really cared, she’d get her a new bridge or stomach stapler, and deal with the empty hot air balloon sacks that remain.
Our vignette does nothing to help the Zarin cause this week, and I shouldn’t be surprised. I am, though. LuLu is giving a little Q & A about her stupid book and Jill, Ally and Kelly all show up late. They walk right down the middle of the room to take their seats in the front row and then proceed to text and talk throughout the entire fiasco.
She got a hobby all right, but it ain’t manners.
The interviewer asks LuLu what constitutes being a good guest and the first thing out if her mouth is, “Being on time.” There goes Jill looking at Kelly like she didn’t just walk in late too. Talk turns to brides and then Jill almost gets out of her chair to ask the (mostly gay) audience if any of them have a brother for LuLu. She then yells that Leather is available before being unceremoniously yanked back into line by Leather.
Do I need to add anything here? We’re all pretty clear on how obnoxious and uncouth her behavior was. Does she think that she’s funny? Isn’t she doing exactly the same thing that she accused Ramona of, and interfering with her friend’s livelihood? It seems that people will show up to these Housewife events from now on just to see what scenes will be made. It can’t be the advice. It’s apparent that all those books are for one purpose and it ain’t educating the public so much as lining some fancy pockets with Bravo viewer’s hard earned money.
Ramona is trying to earn her bucks with an actual product that serves a real purpose, her Tru Renewal, sorry Tru ReNewal skin care line. She really is a savvy business woman and recently did giveaways on Twitter, Amazon and even Elle.com, Leather’s old stomping grounds. The stuff is all natural and as usual she did her homework and consulted physicians and chemists. She looks great for her age too, there’s no denying it.
Somebody’s jealous of all that bright skin. Somebody resents the fact that Ramona doesn’t need a pound of bronzer and an entire eyeliner pencil to get through the day. Somebody who walks in the door at Equinox squawking, “Where is everybody?” like a buzzard circling a carcass, only she doesn’t realize it’s her own.
“Wherezzah food? The food bettuh be good, I tell ya. Who does a skincrarer lawnch without lamb chops? Who’s gonna feed Gingah, huh? Baaaawwwwbbbeeee!!!!!”
She acts like a tasteless pig, critisizing Ramona’s picture on the brochure, saying she looks like shit either because of botox or bad photoshop, all very loudly as the dour blonde ignores her and tries to get her tp try the products.
“Get that gunk away from me! Ramona roooned my Kodak event, so I’m gonna roon her skincrare party. That’ll show her who the bigger and better person is!”
That’s what she said in interviews, that she was going to teach Ramona by example how to do the right thing, instead of ruining her party in the same manner that ramona ruined her Kodak thingymajigger. Then she acts like a vulgar piece of low rent gutter trash from Long Guyland. What is she thinking? What an ego. She must think that somehow they’ll edit it to be funny, like the tennis games of yore. Not this time, sweetie.
They show you in all your hypocritical glory as you verbally bitch slap Ramona for having unhealthy food at her natural cosmetics launch. WTF? That doesn’t even make sense! I didn’t see the food she had, but wasn’t Jill just ordering nitrate and sugar laden kiddie food for her skating party? Where does she get off dissing Ramona? At least Ramona made sense when she criticized Kodak. This is just pure bitchiness. I can’t wait for her to try and blame it on the editing. That’ll be rich.
Jill still isn’t done, she’s on a roll and remarks loudly that nobody needs anymore skin care lines. There are already too many on this earth as it is, which is just plain dumb. I’m in my 40s and I am glad that they keep coming out with better and better anti-aging goop for my wrinkles. Thank God they didn’t stop at Oil of Olay, so that I can buy some pretty decent L’Oreal stuff for $20 at CVS.
Ramona’s is a bit more expensive than that, and more useful than another bad advice book whose printing no doubt caused the killing of many trees. Did anyone even look at Secrets of a Jewish Turkey Vulture in the store? Does it say, “Made from recycled materials’ anywhere on it? Didn’t think so. And Gloria’s face doesn’t count, not unless they used her facelift snippings for the binding.
You know who doesn’t need a facelift OR any of Ramona’s creams? Silex, and they arrive looking jolly and passing out kisses. I love Alex’s hair this year. The color has grown on me and her make-up is light years better than it was back in the days of off-season beach vacations and inflatable pools.
A delivery arrives for Ramona and it’s a bottle of Pinot from Bethenny. She doesn’t get a chance to open the card before LuLu waltzes up for more air time, saying that Ramona barely said hello to her. You can’t win with those women. Why even try?
The card says that Miss B is sorry that she isn’t there but she promises to toast her success 7 months down the line, basically announcing her prgnancy to everyone there. Alex chimes in that she already knew. She even had a 45 minute conversation with her that very moment and then high fives Ramona right in front of Jill’s jealous face.
Next up- chest bumps. With Shill’s face in the middle.
That rat faced party pooper interviews that she doesn’t even know who Bethenny is anymore, that her life is so public that she doesn’t know the difference between real and personal. I don’t know, that may be true, but she knows something way more important. The difference between REAL friends and ‘friends’ that are only out for their own PERSONAL gain. Kinda more important, especially when you are famous.
And who applied your lipstick- Ginger?
She needs some Tru ReNewal. She looks like a tired old hag. Maybe she’d sleep better if she wasn’t trying so hard to keep up with all those lies and behaviour demerits. Maybe if she wore something other than sweats to bed at night, Bawby would bang her every once in a while. Loosen that stick up her ass with that fine Zarin shmekl, let bawby motorboat those downsized tsitskeh and smack that tokhes to the beat of LuLu’s new song.
Okay, I apologise. That was disgusting. I didn’t mean to make you think of LuLu’s song again.
Maybe Jill is menopausal. Maybe she’s such a cunt because HER hormones are out of whack. She definitely has reproduction on her mind because when Alex says that she has a special delivery of her own, Jill asks her if she’s pregnant.
Haha, not. Ramona says that if she has a message from Bethenny maybe Miss B should deliver it herself. We all know how well that worked out, so PLEASE. Poor Alex keeps getting interrupted by all the morons hogging the camera and turning what was once an annoyance, ignoring Alex, into an Olympic sport.
Those hive spots come out on her neck as Alex gets more and more rankled by the circus of not-so-well meaning morons around her grows louder and more chaotic. Jill knows that whatever news she has is going to bad and she doesn’t wamt to hear it. I wonder what she thought that Alex was going to say, that Perez ratted her out? Or The Daily News?
Alex says that she didn’t intend for this to be a group activity but once it started there was no going back. Everyone continues to joke and deflect as she gets redder and redder and then finally she blurts it out- she tells Jill that Bethenny is done and never wants to speak to her or see her again.
Is there a Tru ReNewal product for hives? One that eradicates middle aged JAPs would do nicely as well.
Okay. I knew as soon as I saw this that Alex was going to get shit on for delivering her message in front of everyone instead of taking Jill aside like she did at Saks. I have zero problem with how she did it, and I applaud her for not busting a cap in that bitch’s ass for the way she was ignoring her and speaking to her condescendingly. If it were me, she’d be nursing a bright red handprint on her face and I’d be cooling my heels at local precinct. Here’s why-
I. She never would have EVER gotten her alone anyway. LuLu refuses to leave her side, and even if she did, she would have eavesdropped just like she did at Jill’s apartment.
2. Good for her for sticking it to the bully! This is the natural order of things. If you make it your life’s work to treat people like shit, I’m sure even God will turn a blind eye when you get a little in return.
3. Let’s not even go there with the whole “two wrongs don’t make a right” argument. This isn’t some fantasy land where there’s a code that everyone has agreed to abide by. Hypocrisy abounds. Everyone breaks all the rules ALL the time. It’s freaking chaos, for goodness sakes. There are no winners here, don’t fool yourself. That’s Jill’s job.
4. Jill spins everything. If by chance Alex got her alone, it would have turned into the ‘get a hobby’ comment all over again. This way everyone heard what Alex said and she can’t fall victim to having her words twisted around.
5. Since when can anyone get a word in edgewise with Queen Zarin? Alex had to grab the first chance that Jill inhaled. She had to time it perfectly like hopping on a moving train or hitting your ball past the windmill at the puttputt course.
6. Jill uses LuLu for her messenger, Perez and Cindy Adams too. Why can’t Miss B use Alex?
7. This was nothing, I mean nothing compared to the real axe that Alex has to grind. Jill is lucky that she still has her hair and teeth. Like I said, if it were me, I’d still be paying off Jill’s chiropractor bills from the whiplash my slap would have given her. Or maybe not. Do Harpies even HAVE spines?
Back at the party, the entire room deflates with Kelly calling what Alex did “creepy and fourth grade.” She would know. She probably spent a good three years there.
Where do you think she got those shorts?
Jill just cannot understand why Alex would say such a thing and then Ramona says that she’s surprised at Alex, she has some real balls to do what she did. No doubt.
Kelly runs back to tell Jill that they are ready to get that foot massage that she’s been going on about all night, but Jill wants to leave. The poor baby came to the party to ‘roon’ it for Ramona and ended up having it turned around and ‘roooned’ for her! That Karma, she’s a bitch. Jill should get that tattooed on Ginger’s ass and embroidered onto every pillow in that hideous condo of hers. It is fast replacing ‘go big or go home’ as her motto.
Now Jill interviews that she wonders what Alex had to gain by “embarrassing and humiliating” her. Who cares? I was entertained. That’s good enough for me. I did find it strange that Alex didn’t tell Simon what was up. She didn’t want him to talk her out of it since he’s one of those people that doesn’t seem to believe in making enemies. he yearns to be popular and let’s everything roll off his back. Try doing that when you are a mother defending your young, THEN we’ll talk.
Plus, Alex felt good to get her message out and she knows that what she did forever changes any kind of relationship she has with Jill. She wouldn’t have done it if she had a problem with that, and we all know that it was inevitable anyway, as is LuLu and her protective outrage.
She puts her arm around Jill as Kelly tries to explain the literary history of the term ‘killing the messenger,’ which Simon used in converstion before Alex delivered her news. Yes, Kelly. We all know what it means and where it comes from. What’s next? Are you going to explain the origins of other phrases for us? How about you look up STFU for me? I would love a little history lesson on that one. Thanks.
Jill leaves, calling Alex mean over and over and even calling her a bitch. She just doesn’t understand what she ever did to Alex that would make her say such things to her. All she ever did was treat Alex with perfectly dismissive contempt after painting her as a shitty mother to everyone who would listen. There’s nothing wrong with that, right? Boo hooo!
Okay, bye! Don’t trip on your hypocrisy on your way to the taxi stand!
LuLu seemed a little freaked out to me too. What is she going to do if Jill’s lies get outed. If Jill is fair game, then is she far behind? She must be shaking in her Robin Whore suede boots right now. She better pray that her dalliances are as embarrassed by her as she is of them.
Early the next morning, Alex treks up to Bethenny’s condo to tell her what happened the night before. Miss B is exhausted and doesn’t even get out of bed as Alex delivers some barely worn maternity jeans to her.
Oh, look. A ‘bed family’ I don’t want to puke on.
Cookie barks at Alex, no doubt still smelling the stench of Zarin shenanigans on her, and then Alex tells her about the night before. Bethenny compares what she did to mobsters delivering messages with the barrel of a gun and blowing someone’s head off. She says that she’s surprised that Alex delivered the message with such anger and her eyes get as big as saucers.
Jeez Louise and holy catfight, Cactus Woman!
She asks Alex how she got the nerve to confront Jill and Alex tells her that it was the perfect storm. She had her own issues with Jill and it was more about her own anger than Bethenny’s frustration. In other words, she admits it.
SHE OWNS IT. Refreshing, no?
She says that she felt good afterwards and for once, Jill actually listened. Bethenny tells her that Jill thinks of her as a wallflower which is true, but maybe she;ll stop treating her like a doormat as well. Yeah, right. I saw the previews for next week. Jill pulls out the “How dare you!” card like she’s the only one that has one. Look up the origin of that phrase, Kelly! I’m pretty sure you’ll find it right next to a picture of an uppity bitch.
Never mind. I looked it up for you!