Stop the insanity! But really, can anyone? Is it even possible to? I am no psychologist and my dealing with mental illness are restricted to bi-polars, narcissists and some Aspergers. I have zero idea what is going on with Kelly. Maybe her brain is like one big smomp and all that candy she eats done rotted it into a giant abscessed tooth. Dunno, but it sure was a dee-lite to watch!
Oh, and thanks to J-Mo, my hero for recapping the last episode for me. He did a stellar job and right before going on a major three state trip. I owe you, sugar! Whatever you want, it’s yours, just not any of my joorey. Some bitch wine perhaps? Let me know. Anyhoodle, I’m all back to normal after a weekend trip of my own and first off, I give you, Ghetto S’Mores:
We were visiting my friend that shall remain nameless and that was his idea of a snack. Do I even need to tell you that he was stoned? He was also super jealous that I was texting J-Mo the whole time since he considers himself my main gay and doesn’t like interlopers. You cannot have enough gay friends, I always say, and this Caribbean trip with the ladies sure could use one too.
How much better and smoother would things have gone if there was a big old queen doling out makeovers and running his mouth about all things fabulous? It would have saved Sonja a lot of grief babysitting Leather the Lunatic, poor thing, and saved Bethenny some tears. Ramona was probably glad, though. Now SHE looks like the sane one. Caaa-razy.
And how is she not hungover at breakfast after slurring all over everyone on the Hooters boat the night before? Did she sweat out most of the alcohol during her Alien dance on the dock? Whatever, they all had a blast, even Sonja despite having Kelly up her ass for the whole trip. What a good sport. I’d have blown a major gasket by now. She’d be dead and I’d be tying rocks to her leather ankles and swearing the others to secrecy.
I don’t remember what all Miss B said about her last year but whatever it was, it really struck a nerve with Kelly. She tries as hard as she can to put her down and minimize her accomplishments, even though her insults are non-sensical. The whole chef vs. cook thing is so contradictory, it’s bananas. She starts it up all over again at the breakfast table by saying that Bethenny can’t be a real chef since she doesn’t work in a restaurant even though they are being fed at that very moment by a chef that does not work in a restaurant.
“How do I know you’re a model? You like like a garment bag to me!”
I assume that means that if she read this recap she’d say that I cannot be a writer since I don’t have a book out and that slogging away on a blog is amatuerish unlike getting paid to ask men on the street if they’re wearing underwear and, who knows? Maybe she’s right. The point is that I don’t care. Why does she care about Bethenny? Ah yes, being made to look like a fool on national TV. Let’s let her try and drum up her own press for a change and see how that works out for her, shall we?
When she pulls that tired cook shit Bethenny informs her that she did indeed go to culinary school and that it isn’t wise to make assumptions and talk about things that you know nothing about. What does Kelly do when confronted by that logic? She says that she doesn’t know that she’s a chef since she’s never tasted her food. That’s right, she just said that she knows nothing about it. Riiiiiight. Color me astounded when the subject of whether or not Kelly is smart comes up again. Positively floored, Gasmii.
Voices rise and Kelly tries to shush everyone even though she’s the one that started it. There’s talk of resetting the conversation which kelly likens to going from a horror movie to Disneyland and Bethenny asks her to please stop because no one can understand her. Kelly’s response?
“Okay, satchels of gold.”
Being the inquisitive type, I googled that. Every link involved Kelly’s own quote or actual gold satchel purses. Was she refrencing a line from a Disney movie or a book that she recently read to Teddy? I am trying to figure out how her mind works and it’s pretty much just as futile as you would think it is.
She makes about as much sense as LuLu without those leather boots. Hey, maybe that’s why she didn’t come on the trip! Maybe her tootsies stank to high falutin’ heaven after months of wearing those things. They’re probably surgically attached.
Thank goodness Alex interrupts the insanity to ask Bethenny what she should text Simon about the proper way to make chocolate waffles back in New York. It was perfect, it diffused the situation AND showed that Miss B knows what she’s talking about, all in one fell swoop.
“Tell him he’s in the midst of a homosexual foodie panic.”
It was too little too late however, and Bethenny retreats to cry on the sofa in front of her laptop. She’s obviously a hormonal wreck, and what the hell is up with all the sugary stuff that Leather eats? She requested peanut butter cookies from the yacht’s chef and eats them for breakfast. The crazy this person possesses is mind boggling.
Later on everyone is outside on the back deck freaking out over the fabulous house they will be staying in once they get off the boat. It’s as huge as Ramona’s muscle boobs are tiny. 11,000 square feet! Wow, Miss Andy done good again. I have to say one more thing. Ramona has a killer bod for 52. Killer! No wonder Jill is always saying that she should cover up. She’s probably green with envy.
Do you think she keeps a list for that?
They arrive on the beach in a skiff and hop into Jeeps with Kelly driving one of them. No thanks. I’ll ride with Bethenny. Actually, I’d probably want to be the one driving, as long as Kelly wasn’t sitting behind me, smomping and plunging imaginary daggers into my back.
The house lives up to the hype. It’s like a designer from Tuscany studied Moorish architecture in Spain, bought some tchotchkes in New York City and plopped the resulting house in the Caribbean. It’s all wood and tile and arches and nooks and crannies. LOVE it. It’s more expensive than my life but whoopdeedo, I believe in reincarnation.
Alex compares it to something out of a James Bond movie and Bethenny is just glad to be in a place where she can finally escape Kelly and her acid tongue of imagined persecution and conjured up slights.
It was also incredibly nice of her to make goodie bags for all the women and place them outside their doors. I’m sorry Goodie TOTE bags, big monogrammed bags full of all the things you might need at the beach. I’d be delighted! Kelly, not so much. She physically flinches when she sees it on her doorstop, dumps the contents on her bed and then collapses on it crying because she just doesn’t understand it, it’s so impersonal or something.
“What the… I specifically asked for Skinny Girl meth!”
Huh? This is like crazy Danielle in New Jersey with the flowers. It was a nice gesture! That’s all! She didn’t put a scorpion in your bed, she gave you some toiletries. You’d think she planted Herve Villiachaise behind a secret panel and he just jumped out at you with a knife and you’re fighting to the death.
She’s funny, this Kelly. She bitches and moans about people being inauthentic because they promote their businesses on the show, which is probably how she viewed Bethenny’s gift, as a promotion. Yet she has no problem calling herself real as she promotes herself as a writer and a model, even throwing herself her own party for a stupid article. Hypocrite much?
You know, I did a little reading when I was out of town and found that some viewers seem to think that Kelly has rubbed off on Jill. Au contraire, my friends, au contraire. I think that it’s the other way around. Jill has been unloading some of that ‘Bethenny’s changed, Bethenny’s bad’ bullshit onto Kelly and all it’s done is feed her paranoia and give her justification for attacking and belittling her. She must have a short memory. Nobody attacks Bethenny and wins, not even Jill.
I understand that as a model, Leather has been to many beautiful places and had luxury at her fingertips. I have too, but to call this magical island villa a scary island where she has no friends? That’s a very real sign of persecution issues. I asked a shrink friend of mine and she said that she is in need of meds, at least 3 sessions on the couch a week for starters and she’s probably on drugs.
Drugs, people. Last year I thought she might be snorting some coke to get over her social anxiety. This year? Could it be crystal meth like some of you said? She rarely drinks. She’s ultra thin, but don’t most meth heads lose their teeth? She must have some industrial strength Jessica Simpson chompers, and if I were one of her friend I’d be planning an intervention pronto.
Instead, Kelly calls Jill to vent. She starts out with impugning her decision to travel right after her dad died. This from a girl that is treating her like shit when she’s in mourning AND pregnant I might add. Here comes that stabbing Norman Bates “ree, ree!!” motion she uses to describe the nightmares she’s been having about Bethenny killing her in her sleep.
Run for the hills, there’s a Psycho smomper on the loose!
Jill says that she’s worried about her as Kelly describes Bethenny as having knives on her tongue. I’m sorry, I LOVED that description. It’s totally spot-on. If someone said that about me, I’d be flattered. I’d send them a nice big gift bag of Paxil and coloring books but Bethenny beat me to it.
For once Jill makes sense, telling her to just calm down and stay away from Miss B. I’m not sure if I believe that she’s truly worried about Kelly but she does admit to not being able to get a coherent thought out of her. She should be calling Ramona RIGHT NOW. Jill’s BFFs with Kelly now, right? She should be frantic for her mental health and freaking out herself.
Not so much.
Kelly says goodbye with “I’m gonna go smomp,” and I feel like force feeding her Xanax. I’m with Sonja on this one. Don’t engage the rabid gazelle in her lolipop carwheel zoo, and definitely don’t feed her any more anxiety, as hard as that is for Bethenny to do when she’s insulting her right and left.
The next morning Bethenny is making breakfast (Sheesh, who told her this was a work trip?) and Ramona tells Alex that she’s looking like a pin-up gal in her one piece suit.
Minus the boobs, I assume.
Nothing about that suit says pin-up to me. It says one piece maillot circa 1982. That’s retro now, I guess. You learn something new everyday. I’M learning that I’m freaking old.
and that kelly is indeed a man
Anyhoo, Kelly waltzes in looking like she’s about to win the gold in women’s paranoid schizophrenic volleyball and informs everyone that she has provided them with a pad and paper which they can use to write their complaints on since it’s more cathartic that way. They can then crumple it up and throw it away or they can collect them for reading later, just like girls in the fourth grade! Not my fourth grade. Is that when Elite or Ford or whatever agency she signed with pulled her out of school? I’m sensing a theme here.
Her big plan for bonding with the women is to take them out to the beach and photograph them with her amateur eyes and all I can say is thank god you don’t need to change film anymore in this digital age, or adjust any f-stops. Otherwise all the photos will end up looking like this-
Alex, you’re looking a little pale there.
Bethenny respectfully declines, and I don’t blame her. Who wants a framed picture of themselves looking exhausted and shell shocked? Kelly will probably draw jizz on the ho-bag print like her good friend Perez. She also says that Ramona is a good friend, and she knows from good people Gasmii. You know, like Lisa Rinna. She knows them intimately from she humping on them at fashion shows.
Ramona wakes up poor, exhausted Sonja and the four of them head off to the beach. I’m not sure how much coffee Sonja needed to rouse herself out of her Kelly induced fatigue but she doesn’t loosen her grip on her mug until they’re practically in the Jeep. I’m with her. If they gave injections of caffeine at Starbucks, I’d be the first person rolling up my sleeve to find a vein.
Kelly is driving (chain up your mailboxes, St. Johnians) and tells the ladies that this photo shoot is her way of one-upping Bethenny’s gifts, I mean her gift of showing them as the beautiful women she perceives them to be.
Okay, so Alex should have red horns and a tail, Sonja should be dressed as a nanny and Ramona should be doing all the imaginary stabbing since that’s what Kelly said she does to her to get attention. It’s all in her Pulitzer Prize winning blog for any of us nobodies to read.
They get to the beach where Kelly thanks them for allowing an inexperienced asylum escapee like herself to take their picture and then dumps a load of lollipops on a towel. Don’t ask me why because it never comes up again. I just figured they were her usual lunch of peyote laced Dum Dums.
Sonja is first and she’s wearing an extremely appropriate animal print bathing suit.
I love cubs and cubs love my money, I mean me.
She looks amazing and don’t shoot me for saying this but I’m going to pull a Jill here and say that animal prints shouldn’t be worn by ladies over 40. It’s too cliche, don’t you think? The whole, “I’m a woman, here me roar,” is soooo tired. Yes, I do own some leopard prints but my excuse is that they’re panties and only one person sees those, and it ain’t Flipit.
Ramona is next and can I say again how un-fucking believable she looks? She practically glows and her body is nice and curvy, even without the ubiquitous househo giant jugs. She smiles and then tries to look sultry by saying that she’s thinking of Mario.
Not while he’s zipping up body bags, I hope.
Ewww. Last but not least is Alex. What she chooses to wear says it all. A big floppy hat and sunglasses, clearly not comfortable having Kelly on the other end of the lens. Leather asks her to recreate her Brooklyn runway walk and that doesn’t quite work on the beach.
She does much better when she takes off the hat and glasses and does the whole “Windsong stays on my mind” wistful beach stroll. An amazing feat since Kelly first called her venomous (after asking her to be a like a snake-duh!) and then kept saying Johann’s name to get her to look soft. No wonder Alex just wanted the whole thing to be over. Shit, I’d laugh with relief too when the weirdness was done.
Only it’s not. Not by a long shot.
I loved this week’s vignette. it satisfied on so many levels, just like a really good 5 star Bethenny Frankel Hoppy meal. First of all, the appetizer. Jill is in Connecticut dressed to the nines and skating in what she calls her first practice in ten years. Puh-lease, ten to one she’s at the rec center daily. So yeah, a nice little lie to get us started.
Second up is the main course where she darts around the ice in that hunched over turtle posture of hers, almost getting mowed down by the likes of Johnny Weir and a couple of other pros.
Where’s a runaway Zamboni when you need it?
Lastly is the decadent dessert when she gets screamed at by one of the coaches to get the hell off the ice because she’s disrupting their jumps. Bwahahaha!! What the fuck is she doing? I don’t know and I don’t care. I’m certain it’s some almighty charity event but I bet she didn’t even ask permission. She just assumed that Miss Andy would arrange for her to skate with Miss Johnny and he kinda forgot to mention it. Chalk one up for Bravo! Love it, sigh.
Back in Manhattan, Jill and LuLu are meeting for sushi and gossip.I simply must ask, who invited who? Who will be paying for this chichi dindin? Do they have a gift certificate? Did Jill trade fabric on two for one day, or is this a good old fashioned dine and dash? Your guess is as good as mine with these two skinflints.
“here’s a cockroach..put it in your rice and when I give you the signal, scream….”
LuLu says that she declined to go on the trip to St. John because of Victoria’s 15th birthday. Is that true? I don’t care. It wasn’t very ‘friendly’ for Jill to call her a liar and say that it was just an excuse. They talk about Kelly and her loony phone calls and it’s all “I told her not to go,” and “she walked into the lion’s den,” and how she won’t leave her room.
What? We wish! She left her ‘room’ a little too much if you ask me.
Good Lord, picture Kelly’s head as an actual room and what do you come up with? I’m picturing the rock opera Tommy, tons of baked beans and an iron maiden with syringes sticking out all over the place. Then Kelly’s good friend Gwyneth comes out with Elton John in his platform shoes and stomps old leather into little crystal rocks of meth while Keith Moon sucks on lollipops. She’s even rubbing off on me and I don’t even get high anymore!
No lollipops for these two, though. Just the usual lack of self awareness. LuLu says that Kelly has some guts to go down there alone and then Jill says that she’d never go anywhere that she wasn’t welcome and then proceeds to tell LuLu that she’s planning on going somewhere that she’s not welcome.
Jill is going to St. Barts on Monday and has decided to say hello to all the women on her way down. Why does she think that she would be welcome? Because she’s known Ramona forever, because SHE’S decided that it’s time to patch things up with Miss B and as for Alex? She doesn’t matter. She never mentions Sonja.
LuLu wisely tries to talk her out of it or at least calling first, all to no avail. What Jill wants, Jill gets, right? And I can never get enough of Jill saying that sometimes ‘you’ regret something ‘you’ do, even though she won’t admit to making any mistakes. It’s so……what’s the word? CUNTISH, that’s it.
And Bawby will be there to hold her hand. He’s the one that told her she should have backed off instead of breaking things off in a fit of Jilly behavior. LuLu is now encouraging her to fix things, just not this way, but Jill’s excuse is her history with Ramona and the fact that she’ll come bearing gifts. Well, okay. If you’re bringing presents, great!
As long as it’s your head on a platter.
Isn’t it refreshing to see that LuLu is starting to cut the apron strings and distance herself from Jill a bit? When Jill says that she hopes that she doesn’t have to call her in for reinforcements LuLu said, “You’re on your own.”
“Unless there will be 22 year old well hung pool boys, My Love.”
Now. Take a deep breath and prepare yourselves for ‘Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner’ meets ‘Girl Interrupted.’ Bethenny is preparing a gourmet meal for everyone and the cocktails arrive. Leather passes out photo shoot thank you notes that I assume she dictated to Sonja and then scotch taped Tootsie Pops on, and gets on her cell phone. I’m scared.
I pull the puppy to me and make sure the afghan can be yanked up over my eyes, down a nice big gulp of Big House Red and cross myself just in case. There’s some bad Mojo in the air and it starts up immediately.
The cell phone. The damn cell phone. Couldn’t Leather call her kids before she came to dinner? Ramona asks her to put it away or go into another room. I think it’s her buffer. She’s so nervous around everyone that she purposely chose this moment to call Sea for something to do.
Kelly tells her that this isn’t about her (no shit) and then tells her to lay off. You know what’s weird? Even as I was admiring the tall skinny waiter that brought out the trio of salsas
-somebody please pay him to hit on Kelly. He has a penis and it might shut her up-
I realised that normally I would be aghast at the sheer rudeness of what she just did, but we’re so far past anything normal that it didn’t even phase me to think like that anymore. And why is she always wearing dresses that look like night gowns? Does she think this is a trip with Peter Pan and captain Hook and she’s playing the part of Wendy?
We all know she lives in Neverland.
Ramona is shocked by Kelly’s rudeness and Bethenny gets an earful when she comes out to check on everyone. Already it starts? You betcha. Kelly walks back outside with the ladies as Ramona is trying to explain what just happened, telling her to lay off since she was talking to her kids and then calls them all high maintenance. She then rufuses to quaff one of the hated Martinis, plays with her hair and interviews that she tries so hard to get along with them.
Geez, I’d hate to see what you’re like when you don’t give a damn.
She finally tries some salsa and asks if Bethenny made it all by herself since most chefs don’t in fairy tales. They have sprites and mermaids for that, DUH. Sonja tries to change the subject by talking about her toned down up-do and how she only does Dynasty extravaganza poofs at sea.
I only ever do poofs at sea too. Don’t tell Mr. McSlore, though. That was during my experimental phase. He doesn’t know.
After Kelly compliments Alex’s wavy salt water hair, it reminds her of the Little Mermaid, they all sit down at the table for dinner. Except one thing. It’s fourth grade again and Leather won’t sit across the table from Bethenny. What the hell? Maybe she’s not on birth control and she thinks pregnancy is like the flu and she might catch it from that ho-bag. Too silly, you say?
And lacking the maturity to sit where you are placed is not?
Bethenny gets all riled up again and tells her that she doesn’t have to sit near her. As a matter of fact, she doesn’t have to eat any of her food or even be there at all, and it came off as a little mean. I’ll let it slide though, she’s preggers and we’re not seeing the half of what she put these women through, at least according to their blogs.
Yes, I went back and read their blogs. I’ve been out of the loop and I needed to catch up as quickly as possible. I’m still trying to make sense of the senseless and understand why Kelly would think that she could convince the other women that Bethenny was the one who is psychotic. In my mind it all comes back to Jill, so I’m going to go with that. Well, that and the fact that she eats magic mushrooms while curled up in Teddy’s doll house chanting, “Stop, stop, stop,” to Polly Pocket for sassing her.
Sonja finally switches places with her and a delicious crab cake is served. Everyone except for Kelly compliments which is understandable since she barely touched it and Sonja has to finish it so as not to insult Bethenny any further. Maybe if she’s stuck some gummy worms in it Kelly could have managed to choke it down.
Sonja starts to talk about how she’s wearing all of Ramona’s fabulous jewelry instead of the real diamonds, and isn’t it gorgeous, when Leather cracks, “lovely. so much fun,” in that twisted sarcastic smompy sneer of hers.
Fucking hell, Miss Andy. Didn’t Kelly get the memo about the quid pro quo that takes place on these shows? You promote my products and I’ll show up to your book or magazine article party. Dumb bitch! I give up. If you get any more socially retarded, you are going to end up on a park bench next to the war vet that thinks that the CIA is spying on him through his fillings. You know, the one that pulls out all his teeth while passers-by look on in horror.
Ramona starts to chug her Pinot Grigio and I’ll raise my glass to that, sister, because Leather isn’t done yet. She says that Bethenny’s food just isn’t that good except for the salad dressing. THAT she could parlay into an empire, just like Kelly’s good friend Paul Newman, God rest his soul. Is she name dropping vinaigrette now?
The filet mignon is served and the powers above (Bravo interns) arrange it so that Kelly gets the piece with the string still on it and she has to ask for a steak knife. Bethenny immediately takes it back to the kitchen to cut it into bite size pieces that I assume Sonja will feed to her like she did at breakfast with the peanut butter cookies. We don’t want poor widdle confused Kelly to choke during one of her cartwheels, now do we?
Yes, I lied. Miss B removes the string, throws it back on the grill for a second and then places it in front of her instead of shoving it down her throat, which would have been more appropriate, My Loves. It’s in the book, right next to never taking trips after your father dies or giving frenemies gift bags.
Did you know that Kelly has a chandelier on a pulley, making her super-duper eclectic? That’s funny, my architect brother calls it functional when you have ceilings more than ten feet tall. That way you can change the bulbs without wobbling around on a step ladder. Maybe she fell before she had the pulley and hit her head on an eclectic rock of crack cocaine. Stranger things have happened.
How do you explain those Tijuana plastic surgery tits? Was she reading Crime and Punishment before they stuck the sacks in, fell asleep from the anaesthesia with it on her chest and that’s why there’s a novel sized gap between them? The leather binding just naturally stuck to her leather skin. Oh well. I’m sure they gave her a lollipop afterwards.
There’s something else that Leather does that’s kinda fucked up. She will insult someone and then compliment them, call them a ho-bag and then ask if they’re okay as if she were trying to get her digs in while still appearing to be aboveboard, Countess- style.
Bethenny doesn’t fall for her phony concern. Dinner parties take effort and they can be frazzling, even to the most experienced of chefs. Shit goes wrong. Throw a lunatic into the mix and it’s a miracle she didn’t miscarry.
Everyone noshes on their steaks, enjoying their happy mouths and 5 star meat, and Sonja should know. She had a 5 star chef on her boat, and here comes another stupid argument from kelly about how they all know about the past, let’s talk about “this food today.”
Bethenny tries to explain to her that Sonja worked in fine restaurants and was just trying to give a reference point to her opinion and then jokingly asks Ms. Morgan if she was a hooker.
“No, honey. A gold digger! There’s a difference, silly. Instead of charging by the hour, I charge by the age spots.”
Sonja says that the ones that were considered hookers were the ones that were there just to see the famous people, a tidbit that flies right over Kelly’s starfucking head.
Ramona tells the table that she’s surprised that she hasn’t heard from Jill. Me too. I thought that she was SO concerned about Bethenny. She cried in a pantry, for God’s sake! A lovely upper east side pantry. Oh, the humanity!
When Sonja asks if anyone else has heard from her, Kelly raises her hand, altogether now, Gasmii, LIKE SHE WAS IN THE FOURTH GRADE. And you called HER, Madam Wool Ambassador, not the other way around. Facts, facts, facts, you know.
More yelling and bickering and talking over each other ensues, and Mr. McSlore looks at me over his TPC reports and all I can do is shrug and tell him that it’s all white noise, baby, it’s all white noise. None of it matters when there are carts to be wheeled and lollies to be popped, and the sweet, sweet meth fairy will make it all go away, along with your sanity, your condo, the custody of your children and your giant horse sculpture.
Ramona tries to steer the conversation over to something she’s been meaning to do, and that is apologize to Bethenny for what transpired on the Brooklyn Bridge. I am really starting to wonder about Kelly’s cocaine dealer’s proximity to St. John when she says that she doesn’t know what she’s talking about and then says that Ramona told her everything, even about making Miss B cry.
Ramona sits on the side of Bethenny’s chair to speak to her and then Kelly pipes up with the bitchiness, “Are you having a moment, are you going to make out with the tongue,” just like you might hear from, one more time Gasmii, A FOURTH GRADE BOY.
Ramona asks her to take a time out and Kelly tells her to zip it. That’s right. She told her hostess to zip it.
I take back everything I ever said about you being crazy, Ramona. Everything.
Okay, let’s take a break here as I try again to understand Bensimoron. I think that she is on drugs, I do. I think that she never quite understood the concept of a reality show versus acting. She thinks that everyone around her is performing for the cameras, even as she tries to sell her own persona as being authentic and real.
She lacks the simple self awareness that would tell a normal person not to shush people because they have legitimate careers that they are actually living while she is selling herself as some nebulous artistic modern day Renaissance Pollyanna.
Oh, and there’s that whole elitist misogynist thing she has going on. She sucks up to men because, let’s be honest here, that’s all she knows. It’s basically what she did for a living for most of her working life. She panders to women that she perceives to be in power and then tries to be witty and insult the ones that she needs to believe are beneath her. She NEEDS to insult Bethenny and Alex. She chose sides with Jill because of the rift between her and Bethenny. She can say that she’s forgiven her all she wants but when those paranoid fears of insecurity rear their ugly heads, she needs a scapegoat, a focus to her obsessive mind.
This is how fucked up she is. She gives everyone grief for promoting their brands and yet, her best friend is Shill- the woman who inserts Zarin Fabrics or her book into almost every single show. I’ve never heard Leather say one single word to her for that, nor to LuLu at her book promotion at Bloomingdales. I’m not even sure if she understands that that makes her an astoundingly awful hypocrite, but maybe I should be more understanding.
After all, they don’t teach that at Barbizon.
Leather is so confused and confusing that Ramona and Bethenny get up to take a breather, leaving poor Alex and Sonja with the lunatic again, saying that it’s over. She can’t diffuse Leather anymore. It’s just futile.
The others run off to another room where Bethenny expresses her relief that finally, FINALLY everyone sees Kelly for the crazy person that she’s been saying she is all along. Small consolation when you have to deal with it like Sonja does.
I give her mad props for trying to explain to Kelly that she needs to shut her pie hole when others are expressing their feelings. Kelly just doesn’t understand all this “free to be you and me 1979″ stuff.
Somebody’s never been to bible camp.
I wonder what she was doing back then? She would have been about ten, right? I’ll bet that she was dreaming of kissing Shawn Cassidy and wishing that she wasn’t so gangly so that the popular girls would talk to her and boys would notice the mousy girl with glasses at her lunch table all alone, reading the same Judy Blume book over and over again.
I’m almost starting to feel sorry for her until she sounds like Jill’s mouthpiece again and tells Alex that she’s full of pent up anxiety and anger, and it’s nice to see her relaxed for a change. Woman! You cannot pigeonhole people when you don’t even try to understand where they are coming from!
“I guess to some people social retardation is everything.”
Alex tells her that she’s relaxed because she got a massage and then lets her know that any anxiety she might have been feeling was from HER and her weirdness makes her nervous. Kelly takes this to mean that she’s having nightmares, something Alex never said and she tells her not to be so dramatic.
That’s okay, Kelly’s on a roll and tells them that she threw up before she came there. I don’t doubt that for a second. Whether it’s from actual fear or bulimia, I couldn’t say. I just don’t know how she could possibly have no fat on her when all she eats is candy and cookies.
Things get even weirder as Kelly tells them that she’s afraid that Bethenny will try to kill her since she’s tried to so many times before. She means metaphorically, right? She crosses herself as Sonja tries to bring her back to the topic at hand but Kelly just rambles on that Alex is the one that has issues for being nervous around her, as if she were the only one with the right to be scared of anyone.
Oh. My. God. No wonder they all slept with their doors locked that night. She is scaring me. I don’t think that she recognises anyone’s humanity unless they are famous or fuckable. Do we have another narcissist or Aspergers on our hands? Or is she just on drugs? Who knows? All I can tell is that she is lacking more than sunscreen and empathy. Didn’t she fall off a horse last season? I’m willing to bet that it wasn’t the first time.
Bethenny and Ramona return to the table just as Kelly starts attacking Alex for looking like a Kabuki death dealing, message delivering vampire at the Tru ReNewal launch. Ramona is so flummoxed at this point that she takes the glass of wine that’s handed to her without even looking. I have never seen her eyes bulge out of her head as they are at this very moment, and never with more reason.
“God, I miss my home planet.”
Bethenny says, “Oh, she came in costume,” and then starts losing her shit laughing. Sonja says that they should just stop trying to reason with her and go along for the nutty ride. Alex tries to reason with her, after all this makes what- the third time she’s insulted her today, and then all three of them leave Sonja holding the bag.
I understand that they need a breather from the Kelly rose colored alternate universe of insults and inappropriate observations. She should be a Bluth, for God’s sakes, but they need to stop leaving Sonja alone with her.
Someone tell me why I didn’t sign up for Cougartown like everyone told me to?
Sure, go in the other room and yuck it up over how this is the best dinner party that Bethenny has ever had, all because the lunatic finally came out to play, but think of the poor woman you all have been dumping her on. No wonder she got a DUI in the Hamptons this weekend. I can only imagine how awful it must have been to be around Leather again at the reunion.
At the increasingly purgatorial table, Kelly is crying to Sonja over how Bethenny went after her and her girls in the press. Someone please enlighten me. What is she talking about? Is this another Jill fabrication? I read a lot on these hoes, even before I started recapping them. I don’t recall anything like that.
Sonja asks if she has proof, only to be met with “who else would it be?” Um, how about that guy you freaking battered? How about you did it yourself by acting like Renfield at a spider and fly buffet?
Sonja is being a good sport and trying to explain to her what a joke is when the other girls come back. Things are calm for two seconds before Kelly decides that she needs to tell everybody what the truth is, and Bethenny quotes ‘A Few Good Men’ by saying that she can handle the truth.
I was under the impression that those words were uttered by Jack Nicholson. Maybe I need to get my eyes checked because Kelly has it on good authority that the author of that infamous quote was Al Sharpton. Maybe his face was the last thing she saw before she landed on her noggin at the Polo Club? Perhaps she has one of those picture in picture televisions and she got confused when the court scene happened to coincide with one of Al’s press conferences? Oh wait, I got it!
She’s batshit rubber room, hide your children, throw her in a padded cell, 10,000 volts ain’t enough shock therapy, bride of Manson, daffy as a dung beetle on dilaudid seeing doodie pile mirages in the desert.
We endure another round of did she, didn’t she babble to the press and then Kelly says she’s going to run off to her room to get another hit of salvia or PCP after saying she’ll be back to do shots. Which she never actually does, as Sonja points out. She makes them for everyone else and then throws hers over her shoulder like Auntie Mame or hides them behind potted plants.
Well, dammit, that’s her prerogative as a woman! Yes, she actually said that before accusing Bethenny of attacking her friend Goop in the press. Is Ms. Paltrow aware of this friendship? Did they meet in the Hamptons at one of those super exclusive lobotomy parties? I’m SO jealous.
She finally gets up and runs down the hall to her room, laughing that bizarre herky jerky laugh of hers and immediately she reappears with jelly beans. What’s she got, and entire Sweets Factory in her room? I don’t know what you’ve heard but I’ve been told that having that kind of epic sweet tooth as an adult only happens when you are on something like opiates, exstacy and meth.
She offers them some to calm down. I think that it’s finally starting to sink in just how mentally ill Kelly is, even as she tries to criticize Bethenny for travelling so soon after her father died. Ramona says that she traveled right after her mom died and Kelly tells her never to admit to that cuz it’s such a horrible thing.
Sonja asks them to stop playing into her craziness, Kelly tells Bethenny that she’s the human equivalant of sticking one’s finger down one’s throat and that stretches the limit of Miss B’s patience and she screams at her to fucking go to sleep already. Leather recoils in horror.
Sleep? How? You got any ludes?
Lollipops and gummy berries. Crystal meth and clouds of confusion. Paranoia will destroy ya, and they all realize that this isn’t funny anymore. This woman is not stable or healthy. This woman needs help and arguing with her may serve to heighten her neuroses but it isn’t helping.
Bethenny apologizes for yelling at her and they all toast to good things for everyone. The apology soothes Kelly’s nerves, no doubt making her think that she’s won this battle, and bringing her misfiring synapses to a standstill, even if only for a little while, even if only until the next imagined slight or the next lonely night when the chatter won’t stop and the nonsense takes over her lollipop sugar addled brain. Somebody help this woman. I am as serious as a heart attack, or an unannounced visit from Jill.
Love and Kisses,