Real L Word: Doin’ it Gaybo Style

What’s with the weirdo poses after most of the ladies answer the question, “What is lesbian sex?” Did anyone else notice that? As for their answer, I suppose they all spoke small parts of one truth. Whitlock’s lesbian sex is whatever you want it to be is closest to the whole truth. But what’s with the weird TA DAAAAA poses after their answers? Somebody must think defining lesbian sex is like giving away magic tricks…

Mikey, still kind of bummin’ about not spending Valentine’s Day with Wonder Woahman, takes off for a Vegas trade show with her assistant and new intern… Uh oh, what happened to the old one??? We may never know. Maybe she’s in the trunk…

Nikki and Jill are meeting up with two dress designers to go over the sketches of their custom made wedding dresses. Again, their is some discrepancy with spending between Nikk and Jill. What I don’t understand is why Jill is even agreeing to have dresses CUSTOM MADE in the first place if she doesn’t want to spend a lot of money! Of course that’s gonna be a lot of money, stupid…

Whitlock and best buddy/roommate, Alyssa are pretending to work in their garage and Alyssa gives Whit another guilt trip about leading on her cousin, Tor. COME ON, Alyssa. Have you seen Romie? That chick is HOT. Tor stares too much, anyway. I’m starting to get annoyed with Alyssa and her cousin. Tor moved out to LA for TOR, not for poor Whitlock…

Rose is helping Nat update her resume so she can expand her career as a hair stylist. A lot of talk about formatting, what to have vs what to- Jeezus Kristo I’m bored. Rose! Say something horribly rude and offensive already!

Cecie, the new intern, is in a 5 year (or something like that) relationship and wants advice from Mikey about whether or not she should let her boyfriend cum in her eye. I say no. I HEAR that it burns… Then Shanna, the assistant, wants to know the definition of lesbian sex and so they call Wonder Woahman and she says gay sex is different than straight sex but that it’s mostly about penetration. Seems like straight sex to me, dudes…

I’m starting to get bored with this ‘what is sex with women’ thing cause even Stamie’s real estate partner, while they’re are perusing a property with Tracy, asks them the same question. Again, the guy brings up penetration vs just oral sex.  I suppose it was touched on lightly by Rose, funny enough, but I can’t believe if no one has really brought up the fact that men have sex with their dicks and women have sex with their hearts. MOSTLY. I fully realize that there are exceptions to each side of that generalization, but guess what dummies, you can have gaybo sex without penetration and consider that sex. It can be just as, if not more, fulfilling physically, and especially emotionally.

Mikey and her ethnically ambiguous minions arrive to the Luxor? Yuck. Why don’t you just shack of at the Excalibur, Mikey? She does get a super sweet suite though, at least.  It’s so sweet in fact that Mikey has been inspired to get eloped! Wonder Woahman is supposed to fly in later in the night and they’re gonna get hitched. I’m wondering where in the hell they can do this in NEVADA???

Whitlock and Tor have a talk outside to get on the same page. Tor had NO idea Whit was seeing other people? Huh?  This girl seems really pretty dumb. ReTORded, even. (Rim Shot! ) MOVE OUT, then, Tor…

Back in Vegas, the assistants finally locate a chapel that does civil commitment ceremonies and they set up a time for later in the evening. Doesn’t matter though, cause Wonder Woahman missed her flight.  This is where I wish we could have embedded video clips cause Mikey goes down stairs and yells so loud it even echos in the Luxor valet area in Shanna’s face “The wedding is off!.” It was very strange and erratic, especially with the nervous laughter afterwards. Here’s what it looked liked, at least.

“I am screaming at the top of my lungs right in front of your face!”

Is it just me, or does Nikki and Jill’s place look like a mausoleum? Nikki does look a little skeletony herself so it makes sense.

Sappho Mortuary Services Facility

Anyway, big surprise, Nikki and Jill are in disbelief over the cost of a CUSTOM MADE dress!!!  And then they pick apart the wedding planner’s fee… I just can’t stand this. I’ve worked in a creative studio and I can’t tell you how many times so many clients nickel and dime the shit out of these places. It happens in web design. It happens to pretty much all creative types. It’s so sad that these sorts of things just aren’t valued the way the should be…

At the Vegas trade show, Mikey is super uptight trying to get some more brands involved in her LA fashion week and then Wonder Woahman thinks it would be hilarious to pretend she missed her flight again. Mikey swoons potential clients with lines like “Who do I have to blow around here to get you guys into the show?”

At lunch, Tracy complains to Stamie about how many scripts she has to read. It seems as though Tracy is considering a career change so Stamie invites a commercial agent and a print agent to her stand-up show to talk to Tracy. Which is actually very sweet. And I sort of feel weird inside cause for some reason Stamie is kind of attractive.

“Agreed? You better fuckin’ agree.”

Whitlock has started training with Miranda and does her best to flirt while doing sit ups. She even invites her to a girl party although she’s still not sure if she’s a gaybo or not. Was it just me or she not seem to even break a sweat? I really hope they just did a montage for filming purposes cause the thought of that tickles me so.

Mikey and WW are playing strip pool while Shanna takes notes? WW only really ends up removing what I believe is a raccoon foot from one of her hoop earrings and Mikey ends up asking for a plea bargain since she has lost miserably. Then they get into bubble bath with their robes on.

Rose is overwhelmed at work so she decides to hire Natalie as her assistant. She basically tells a co-worker of some sort on the phone that she needs to have someone she can verbally abuse. Wow, Natalie. You are digging yourself deeper and deeper, little lady.

Jill and Nikki are nickel and diming the crap out of  their poor wedding planning even further. After Nikki gets off the phone the feels bad about it so she decides to call her back and offer the full fee. Good lord, ladies, make up your mind.

So I have to admit, although I didn’t “LOL” at Stamie’s two jokes that they showcased in her stand-up, I did think they were kind of funny. The “four moms” bit wasn’t half bad. After her set, Stamie sits down with Tracy and a commercial and print agent and the agents ask TRACY to come in for a meeting. I wish things really happened this way. But they don’t, most of the time…

Whitlock and her crew go out to see her roommates band and Miranda the trainer meets up with them. Holy shit! That’s crazy! Romie is there too!!!! Whit talks to Miranda at the top of the night and by the bottom, Romie is doing the usual pulling her aside thing. Whit finally gets fed up with it and rants in the car to Tor but Tor doesn’t wanna hear it. Oh and Miranda “mostly is in relationships with guys,” which means she’s straight.

In Vegas, Mikey tells WW that had she not missed her flight they would have had a shot gun wedding and WW stares at her giant ring with approval as if it is doing it’s job.

The Ring of Seduction! Kept next to the Lasso of Truth…

Alright, that’s it for this week. So sorry, my darlings, that this one has been totally late. I promise it’s only because I refuse to pay for Showtime but I thinks me found a torrent program that’ll have these recaps to you stat!

Talk at you next week.

Yours and everyone else’s,

BirschTalk