Real L Word: Free Pass to Stupidland

Sheize! I am watching zees bekloppt (crazy) American leszbian show and zey apparently have a game zey play called “German or gay?” Du lieber Gott! (Good God!) Guess what, frauleins, we have a game we play too. It’s called let’s make fun of zee lesbianzs REAL lives… Ya, we like to do it every Sunday. We laugh and laugh over how sad and pathetic zey are while we enjoy some tafelwein and tomatensuppe. (Table wine and tomato soup.)   Zer is also an American term they have called “100 footer?” Zis is where zey can tell a girl is a leszbian from 100 feet away. I don’t know how far zat is really since I don’t sink of distance in zee smelly feet…   Okay, za show is starting now so I will turn zee rest of the recap over to mine cousin, BirschTalk.  Auf Wiedersehen!

Hi my darlings. Sorry about my crazy cousin. She was watching the show with me and then really wanted to put her two euros about that silly open- YOWZA what IS that tattoo Whitlock has on her back??? I’ve seen those eyes somewhere before but from it looks like it also has a mustache. Which would be AWESOME.

Soooo, Whitlock is off to San Francisco to escape the girly drama hole she’s dug for herself and also to visit SaDa. As she’s leaving, Tor cuts an apple like it’s Whit’s head. Although the apple would be a far more accurate representation of Whit’s head if Tor stuck some cheetos in the apple first…

Rose is pouting in her kitchen cause Natalie hasn’t committed to working for her yet… Hey, Rose, when someone tells you to “have a nice day,” unless it’s Clint Eastwood saying it in a cowboy get up, you say “thank you, you as well, my dear.” Dumb, rude bitch.

At Sappho mausoleum, Jill and Nikki feed delicious looking chicken salad to their DOGS and they get a call from Camilla, the wedding planner. Everybody can breath easy now, Camilla was NOT offended that they tried to negotiate the price down and then change their minds and give her the original asking fee…

Sunset Gower studios screwed over Mikey and gave the original stage she wanted to a feature film so they offer her a giant parking lot instead? Mikey, Mikey don’t let em do that ya!  Go somewhere else, dude. Seriously.

En route to San Francisco, Whitlock is worried that she’ll get her period when she has so much sexing to do and tells Wynona Judd she wishes there was a pill where she’d only get her period every so often…  It’s already out there, Whit. Just remember to lock yourself in a trunk if you do take that shit when Aunt Flow does come to visit, okay… PS Don’t ever talk about your ‘red wings’ again.

Rose is going to a lesbian wedding with her really cute dad. On the way there, her dad asks that she and her mom finally start talking to each other after seven months. She’s open to it. I also think her father should be open to not needing dashboard covers. The little guy could barely see out the window!

Jill and Nikk get an email from the dress designer basically telling them that custom made dresses cost more than retail dresses and they are retarded for thinking otherwise… Back to the drawing board on the dress front. Or rather, nix the drawing board all together, really.

In San Francisco, Whitney is going to a party called Flourish at which SaDa will be GoGo dancing. I gotta admit guys, Whit made me laugh when she said her eyelids looked like saggy vaginas. I also gotta say I really like the suspender get up…

Stamie is going crazy on Facebook and friending all of Tracy’s disapproving parental units. But I actually like that Stamie is doing that. Anything to further the dialogue, right?

The upbeat sassy cha cha music tells me we’re at the lesbian Mexican wedding. Wow, you guys. They pulled out ALL the stops for this one. From the security guard out front, to the not just one, but TWO different colored balloons… I sort of feel horrible for making fun of an event that supposed to symbolize the love of two people but I can’t help it. Rose was there and she ruins everything. CHRIST,  Rose, do I have to teach you EVERYTHING? When your girlfriend is frazzled and upset the LAST thing you do is yell at her more and tell her to calm down and “don’t be a bitch with me in the process.”

This wedding is off the hook! Look at that guy.

Whitlock is getting a huge boner watching SaDa GoGo dance in a laced onesy at the party.  Her really cute but I bet bat shit crazy friend Jack gets into the cage with her at some point and they do odd sexual fitness exercises. After a while, Whit was starting to get a little jealous of all the attention SaDa was getting… BTW, LACED ONESY? Really? I would imagine wearing something like that would cause a good amount of chafing…

This absurd lesbian party brought to you by Sven Vodka.

Rose and Nat are home from that glamourous wedding and Rose is super upset with Nat. Natalie tries to talk but Rose just ignores her so Nat goes to bed. I hate going to bed angry. I will always try to avoid that if I can. Can’t sleep otherwise.

The party in San Fran is over so SaDa goes back to the hotel with Whitlock and they do dangerous things like running by the pool!  Then they shower but still somehow manage to get dirtier than more clean by the time they get out. Nudge, nudge… This scene seemed like it was especially for the camera but ol’ pervo Birschy didn’t mind that…

Mikey is stressing her pretend balls off cause she’s gotta come up with twenty extra grand from sponsors so she can cover the cost of the tents. Her and her ethnically ambiguous minions are on the horn trying to drum up sponsorships being oh so charming…

Tracy calls her mom to try and talk about Stamie but her mom seems busy and avoids the topic. Tracy also asks her mom for advice cause she’s sick which is bizarre to me cause if my mom hears even a sniffle I automatically get the list of things I should be doing to get better.

Jill and Nikk bring Nikk’s mom along to try on their wedding dresses. Which I kinda thought was cute, guys. It actually seemed like a legitimately special moment when Jill helped Nikk put on the dress.  Nikk was stoked on her dress but Jill was not so I have a feeling we’ll be meeting Jill’s mom very soon for more dress searching.

At dinner in San Francisco, Whit is a little concerned that SaDa isn’t emotionally invested in their “relationship.” What I think is happening, my dear Whitlock, is that you’re getting a taste of your own lezbicine.

Rose is going to take advantage of Nat’s guilt for being stressed and yelling at Rose so she gets a ‘free pass’ and plans to get a stripper for a ‘bromance’ date. I can’t stand watching this cause you can tell Nat really does feel bad about what happens and Rose not refuses to move on from the occurrence but she’s going to use it as an excuse to get a stripper?! Disgusting.

Whitlock puts her feelings out on the table but it doesn’t seem as if SaDa is reciprocating exactly. Maybe SaDa just can’t concentrate cause of the itchy chafing.

Poor Natalie is all stressed about quitting her job and Rose is stoked cause she’ll be preoccupied with that while Rose looks for a stripper. The class just doesn’t end.

Tracy does a weird photo shoot cause she’s trying out the modeling thing. Her first assignment, funny enough, is the cover of Bound magazine. I wasn’t sure what the cover was supposed to convey though… They gave Tracy some sort of futuristic Tina Turner look and had her pose with three other lesbian-esque girls while holding some cash…  I’m sure it’ll make sense once I see the context of the issue. Or probably not.

At brunch in San Fran, Whitlock and crew drink a brownish yellowish concoction and talk about SaDa and some other newsy hat wearing gaybo moving to LA. Wow, Whit. Look at you. Start a whole commune, why don’t you…

Mikey pulls a deus ex machina and brings aboard Richie Sambora’s clothing line, White Trash Beautiful. This will give them the money they need for the tents and stuff…  You wanna see an example? I did. But I’m sorry I did…

White Trash Beautiful- redefining the term “zip it.”

Rose and, as she so modestly puts it, her ‘little proteges,’ check into a hotel room and they almost get bludgeoned to death by the breasts of strippers. This is the line that Rose says during this very moment.

“For me? I’m being a saint.”

Rose, wearing boobie glasses is not being a saint…  Rose wants to keep their party on the DL so she calls a bromance (I hate saying that) meeting and tells them no tweeting and stuff. Then they do an all in hand thing and say something on the count of three but for the life of me, I could not understand what they said. Does anyone know???

Tracy gets home from the shoot and tells Stamie she might even get put on the cover. Stamie appropriately asks, “With that hair?”

Okay my favorite moment of the season so far???? The dog toss by Rose, everybody!!!! Fucking hilarious!!!!  I think the editors threw added some kind of dog yelp sound effect but I would have laughed hysterically even without it…

A one and a two and a…

The ep ends with Whit leaving San Fran and her admitting that she could see herself in a relationship with SaDa and that could be a possibility when she moves to LA… Cue the wistful folk lesbo music… Ugh…

Alright my darlings, thanks so very much for reading.

Talk at you next week!

Yours and everyone else’s,

BirschTalk