Real L Word: La Latina Sasquatchia

Episode eight’s cold opener question- “Did you cry the first time you had sex with a woman?” was interesting. The butchies (Whitlock and Mikey) were all “whaaat?” Jill and Nikk were like, “yeeeeeah.” Tracy was all, “eeeerrrrr,” and Rose said her women “cry AFTER they have sex.” Which makes sense, cause they were probably too drunk before they realized too late that they just did it with a Mexican (Or Puerto Rican?) sasquatch…

It’s almost two in the morning, and Natalie is crying at friend’s house cause Rose left her at a bar and locked her out of their house. Turns out Rose is meeting up with her ex, Angel, cause she’s “supportive like that.” Really though, Rose was just wanting some attention and Angel clearly wanted nothing to do with her. I don’t understand WHAT in tarnation is going on cause Angel is really pretty and seems like a fairly smart person. She had a baby voice though.

Post white trash party, Whitney is feeling sorry for herself for doing it with Romy. Tor is giving her the cold shoulder as a result so Whit runs into the bosom of her friend Alyssa, but she’s gotta get through a layer of assorted small dogs first. Also, they put off getting rid of the stank pool.

said the deflated pool, in a Kermit the Frog sounding type voice.

Jill and Nikk are giving “phone hugs” to their wedding planner, Camilla, because they finally decided to go with the place they were going to go with all along.  A “phone hug” is the most disgusting, disingenuous thing I have ever heard of.  But, I suppose I’ve never understood the physical part of talking on the phone though. Why does AT&T want you to “reach out touch someone?”  Sounds too molesty to me.

AT&T- Reach out and phone hug someone, or touch them inappropriately.

Mikey takes her road hog to check out the progress at the studio and must of read my rantings last week cause she was really nice to the dudes that are putting up the tents for fashion week. Or maybe she was just in a good mood from all that vibrating happening on the ride over.

Mikey likes it! She really likes it! (Bout time I made that joke. Am I RIGHT?)

Tracy is hanging out at Stamie’s and they’re talking about how parents have a coming out process as well while one of them sticks her foot in the dog’s mouth.

Natalie has been staying at her mom’s house and Rose says she’ll have to make up with Nat and do some “major award winning acting.”

And the Oscar for best Sasquatch goes to… Rose in Ho Bag and the Hendersons! (Note that all I did was add eye brows…)

Awesome. Whitlock and Alyssa are dry heaving as they haul away the old deflated kiddy pool filled with lube and creamed corn. I bet there’s an old dread of two of Whitlock’s in there too. Which, ironically is the very beginning of the movie that Whitlock will be starring in, where two lesbians leave that very same concoction by the dumpster and a drop of radioactive goop drips down from a porch above and a lesbian zombie is born…

Mikey is being really gross with Heather Locklear and telling her how she used to have the biggest crush on her in TJ Hooker. How charming, Mikey… Locklear pretends she’s not disgusted and anyway, she’s there cause she’s whoring out her daughter on the runway for Richie Sambora’s clothing line…

At the Abbey, Whitlock tells Winona Judd that she’s into SaDa but not so much Romy and Tor, and that they’re going to go to Dinah Shore weekend, which I can’t WAIT to see, you guys. That’s gonna be RICH. I almost went last year but I’m glad I didn’t go.

Tracy’s mom surprises her and shows up at her door while they’re on the phone. They have the “accept who I am” talk and they seem to make a little progress but I’m not really sure what’s being said anyway cause I can only stare at her mom’s coy fish lips.

Oh, SWEET. Nikk and Jill are taking dance lessons! The gentle Kiwi man did his best to teach them the box step but they’re both not feeling it. I liked watching this a lot, you guys. They were actually both really cute and awkward and I even like that they were calling that out.

Tracy and her mom are heading to Stamie’s stand up show and her mom almost falls down the stairs cause she can’t see past her lips.

Rose’s grandma is back from the hospital and it scares Rose enough to make her apologize to her mom for whatever happened. Wow, Rose seems to be just like her mom. Rose even says her mom is too overbearing which is exactly how Rose is presented to us on the show…

Tracy and her mom show up to Stamie’s show, which, you can tell, throws Stamie for a loop. Gotta say this was not the best way to introduce these two and even Tracy says it was a bad idea afterwards. Tracy’s mom is a horrible coy fish woman though, so who cares… Sorry lovers, you’re stuck with the coy fish jokes on this one…

Mikey’s flipping out about the “step and repeat” lights going out for the first night of fashion week, so she walks around and talks to herself about it while models stare in fear.

Tracy and Stamie are gonna have movie night with Tracy’s mom and her sisters… Oh boy, this is gonna be horrible for Stamie…

Romy and Whitlock are at The Street, having dinner and chatting about SaDa moving from San Francisco. I don’t understand what Romy’s wearing but it matches the peach orange walls of the restaurant.

Mikey finally gets the lights situation taken care of after throwing things like a child. OH SNAP. Mena Suvari is awesome. She totally just called Mikey out for wearing sunglasses at night. Thank you Mena Suvari. Thank you for being an amazing actress, and thank you for being real.

Tracy and Stamie have an awkward meal with Tracy’s family and Tracy’s mom “isn’t ready” to meet Stamie’s kids. I think Stamie said it best, “I’m a mother, I have three children. I don’t need to feel bad about myself.” Seriously, Stamie, feed that fish bitch some reality pellets and tell it like it is!

The entire cast of the Real L Word is all gussied up for the second day of fashion week and I kind of like watching all of them interact with each other. I wish they had mandatory meet up once an episode. It was kinda like watching Super Friends… Speaking of super heros, in a grand finale type ending, Mikey proposes to Wonder Woahman at the end of the show on the runway in front of everyone.  My fav part was when Mikey held the mic up to WW after she asked her for her hand- WW said “yes” into the mic, and then Mikey said  ”good” into the mic, and THEN they hugged. Put the mic DOWN, Mikey. Come ON. It’s about you two, nobody else. Say “she said ‘yes’” after, dummy…

Well, this one certainly wasn’t as exciting as the last ep, and I have a feeling that this may be the case for the rest of the season. I hope not though. Whatever happens, at least I have you darlings to complain about it with.

Thanks so much for sticking with me, my dears.

Talk at you next week.

yours and everyone else’s,

BirschTalk