Real L Word: “Playing with Fire” AND my heart…

You know I’m kidding about the title, right?

My darlings’, please forgive ol’ Birschy here for missing last week… On top of getting a new job AND starting an internship somewhere else, I’ve been training for my sommelier certification. The word “busy” doesn’t come close. The word close makes me think of Clos de Vougeot, a vineyard in Burgandy, France… Anyway, I WILL make it up to you by giving you a quick bulleted list of what when downtown:

• Cori and Kacey wake up every morning to watch Cori pee on a stick to find out if she’s shooting eggs… They’re about to go into the doc’s office to make sure Cori’s eggs are good to go when Kacey tells Cori that she wants to hold her hands and look into her eyes when she’s getting inseminated, rather than handle the syringe… At the doctor they have a very emotional insemination… The next day the girls go in for round two of insemination, on their way in the doc calls and tells them the nitrogen tank broke and the second batch of sperm went bad. Cori loses it and Kacey tries to console her. It was all very upbeat…
• Romi misses her father who passed away a year ago from cancer. They show pictures of Swamp Choach before she was gay at her wedding. Her father didn’t know she was gay… Swamp Choach takes Rachel to the fashion show. When they’re there Swamp Choach gets mad cause her friend Drew ignores her for being mean to him the episode before… Drew and Swampy make up. At the fashion show after party, Swampy gets a call from Kelsey, who is super upset cause she lost her job… Swampy drives home with Drew and he advises her about what to do with Kelsey. She gets home to Kels, who turns into the mopey monster.
• Sadj makes Channel heart shaped waffles for their ONE month anniversary… Channel says “I appreciate you.” They go horseback riding. After, Sadj gives Channel a horrible massage, which still worked in Sadj’s favor anyway because it seems they finally end up having sex… Sadj calls her mom and cracks my shit UP…
• Claire Bear picks up her disheveled shit in front of Fran’s place. She wears a cut off sweatshirt and her little booby falls out while she complains about how she’s been disrespected… She calls her Vivian to tell on Francine and begs her to come visit… Claire Bear talks to her sister on the phone who is a big fan of Vivian, while her children scream bloody murder in the background.
• Whit and Alyssa decide to make “The Inseminator.” A faux penis that will shot sperm. Whit needs to borrow her friend’s dong… Whit reads an email from Claire Bear about a photo shoot for “Dirty Boudoir.” Apparently Claire didn’t take the hint from the people who know what they were talking about… Chez, aka, “The Dong,” comes over to make the Inseminator mold. They go through multiple attempts getting the timing of dong hardening to mold mix preparation… Finally they make the mold and Chez throws his dong towel on Whitlock’s face.

That’s last week. So what happened thisweek on the Real Word’s 7th ep, “Playing with Fire”? Welllllll-

At the laundry mat, Sadj tells Channel she’s moving in. Channel doesn’t seem the least bit interested in doing so and to top it off, Sadj gets super aggressive with the PDAs… If Sadj picked ME up and slammed me up against a wall for a public dry humping, I’d put her in the dryer, SANS fabric softer, thank you very much. She’d look like Don King after.

Kasey is upset about the hard time her and Cori are having about getting pregnant. She goes to church to prey on it, as she was raised Catholic. Kasey is shown lighting a few candles and kneeling before the cross. At one point she gets emotional clasping her hands together tightly. This was the first time we really see her lose control of her emotions. I found this quite moving. Kasey is a rock for Cori, but by herself, she let’s go of her feelings… I also liked that they’re showing a lesbian with religious beliefs. Catholic religious belief’s, no less! A refreshing change from the hooligan like stuff we usually see… Not that I’M not a hooligan… And not that I don’t enjoy watching hooligan stuff.

Claire Bear picks up Vivian from LAX. Vivian’s confessional tells us that she wouldn’t have come if things hadn’t gone south with Clair Bear and Francine… Claire Bear’s confessional tells us that she wouldn’t have INVITED Vivian if things hadn’t gone south with Francine… This is the least romantic thing I have ever heard.

Francine and her new girlfriend, Kristianne, have dinner with Swampy and Kelsey. Kristianne tells them Fran makes her call her “daddy,” and then does this maniacal laugh:

She’s staring into MY SOUL

After that awesomeness, Francine tells Swampy about all the shit talking she’s doing about her and Whit and everybody else. All this while Claire is asking everyone to help them with her photo shoot for her website… Swamp Choach’s confessional is super offended by this and tells us Claire is “done.” I laughed super hard when Fran told them Claire said SaDa has “dog face.” Thank you for that Claire Bear. That one’s a keeper. I like my insults to simple…

Whitlock is chilling out at a friend’s house when she gets a text from Swampy divulging the Claire shit talking… But guess who’s house it was? Or at least she was there. Rose!

Sans newsie cap!

Oh Rose. I’ve missed you and your Sasquatchian ways… Rose eggs on Whitlock’s disappointment and Whit decides she’s going to cut her out of the LA circle of gaybos… Blacklisted, yo…

Claire Bear is giving a creepy stare at Vivian while she prepares their dinner. Her confessional tells us how good she had it with Vivian and how she has to grow up. She also talks about her dumb website and how she needs Romi and Whit to be her models for the shoot… During dinner Vivian tells her to stop taking her for granted. They move into some after dinner hanky panky. Before though, they both slip into something comfortable. Claire puts on another one of her shirts that doesn’t cover her breasts. (She may as well just cut a hole in a scarf and put her head through that.) Vivian puts on an outfit that Claire Bear does not deserve to take off of someone.

Swamp Choach and Kelsey sit by cool, dark, smelly waters of Echo Park for a chat. They seem to be getting along until Kelsey tells Swampy she misses having a Bloody Mary. They argue the points of moderation vs totally sober. Kelsey can’t handle the pressure and Swampy thinks she’s not being supportive… I think they should take a cue from Kelsey’s outfit and “Let It Be.” Hey-Oh!

Kacey gets really excited about poster board. The girls and their roller derby friend are making signs for their other roller derby’s friend first bout. While they glittering away, Kacey tells their friend that Cori thinks every little body function is some sort of sign that she’s pregnant. Then she pooped her pants. Noooo she didn’t. But what if she did? I know I’D be happy.

Chanel and Sadj sit down on the bed for a talk. Chanel tries to tell Sadj how much her aggressive PDA “annoys” her and Sadj tries to make a joke of everything. Chanel’s confession actually says an insightful thing or two about being in a relationship. Then they cut to Sadj kissing all up on Chanel while she looks away half the time… Jeez, this is getting hard to watch. It’s just so awkward between them.

At Gaybo Motel (Whitlock and Alyssa’s) Rachel tells everyone about her interview at Vidal Sassoon. By herself outside, she confesses to the camera that she’s given up so much in New York, not getting this job would crush her. She’s so little though. Anything would crush her.

Whitlock and Swampy go for Thai food at a place on Sunset called Toi. Which is actually pretty tasty, btw. It’s a little seedy and the rock and roll/science fiction thing is a bit over the top, but it’s a solid Thai food staple of mine. They slurp some noodles into their mouths and talk about how Swampy has been sober for one month. Whit says she’s proud of her and she’s glad that they both seem to be on track. Swampy’s confessional tells us how much she appreciates Whit’s friendship. Whit picks up the check… Swampy better get the next one. You ever have friends who will let you pay for them but then never ever do the same? They don’t have to always go tit for tat, but that’s one of my pet peeves!

Claire Bear is doing the creepy stare again but this time Vivian is getting ready to go out. They’re meeting up with everyone at Haute. Claire is not looking forward to running into Francine, but little does Claire know, she’s about to get a piece of Whit’s mind. And probably a piece of her dread too cause it will fall off into her drink….

At Haute, we see Whit and her dread twin friend doing shots. They then very cordially approach Claire Bear and call her out on her shit texting. Claire acts shocked and immediately denies everything. Whit’s confessional is pretty reasonable and accurate. She tells us she wanted the give Claire the opportunity to defend herself and that she looked like a deer caught in headlights.

Deer caught in head lights STARRRRRRRRE.

Francine enters and of course eventually a fight bubbles up between her and Claire. Claire attacks Francine for spreading the things that she actually said about everyone but doesn’t really fess up it until later. A lot of yelling and a lot of Claire snarly faces later, Francine walks away crying. Even Vivian goes to console Francine and in her confessional she eludes to how if Claire gets upset at anything, she makes it Vivian’s problem… I’ll admit I found her VERY attractive at the top of the season and now I think she’s repulsive. I don’t care if she showed up on my doorstep in a Super Girl costume…

Swampy shows up at her business partner’s house to look at a piece of jewelry they’ve concepted and actually made. It’s a sweater clasp that Romi says can be used for hoodies….? Then they talk about she got the name of the guy who did a jewelry line for the first season the The Real L Word. She thinks he can help them so she puts in a call and he agrees to meet with them… Phew. For a minute there I was REALLY worried that a designer affiliated with the Real L Word wouldn’t…

Claire Bear and Vivian are sitting around Claire’s apartment. Claire stares at her laptop while she spit yells about Francine and how she wish she hadn’t said those things. No one, and I mean no one use the word “like” more than this dullard… Vivian’s confessional tells us Claire is a large child. I prefer the term giant baby. It’s a much better visual.

Rachel is crushed because she didn’t get the job at Vidal Sassoon. Whit tries to cheer her up, but half heartedly so. Whit doesn’t even stop staring at her lap top. Rachel’s confessional actually gives a pretty genuine story about how lonely she feels being in LA and how she wished Whit would realize how much she’s “drowning.” Rachel could though, oh, I don’t know, say something… Rachel walks away and says she’s fine but then goes in the other room to mope. Whit tells Alyssa to make sure she’s okay and Alyssa unfairly so accuses Whitlock of “making beds” and having Alyssa “lie in the them.”

Kacey gets home from the store and unloads a bag of groceries. The camera zooms in on a box of tampons, which I found to be a bit dramatic and tasteless. Cori gets home and Kacey gives her a big hug. Cori’s confessional tells us that she ended up getting her period at work. To make sure Cori takes a pregnancy test and it’s negative. I wonder how confused the checkout lady was when Kasey bought a bunch of tampons and pregnancy tests… I digress, Cori is upset and asks Kacey if she ended up getting a cigarette. Kasey says, “what kind of wife would I be.” Which was adorable. This was certainly not the time for tough love.

Francine says she wants to have a drama free time with all the girls so she throws a landscaping party. Yes, a landscaping party. She even designs a power point and as they assign job responsibilities Sadj jokes “I got hoes.” Next think you know Chanel is in the bathroom and Sadj is trying to talk to her about why she’s being so distant from everyone. Chanel says she gets shy in new social situations and doesn’t want Sadj to force her to not be herself…. Chanel moves to the front yard to have to talk on her cell and Sadj announces to everyone she had better go before she loses a girlfriend. Sadj gets the front and Chanel is still on the phone, nor will she get off the phone even when Sadj is in the car asking her to talk. Sadj is so angry she says she’s gonna leave her… They get to Sadj’s apartment and the fighting continues. Chanel says she just wants Sadj to listen to her and Sadj just keeps saying they should break up. Chanel says she’s too dominating and Sadj says they should just break up. Chanel says they’re different in social settings and Sadj says they should break up. So then finally, they break up…

Loud noises!

Well, hell.

Thanks for sticking with me, my darlings.

Talk at you next week.

yours and everyone else’s,

BirschTalk